Up, down, up, down, sit, stand, kneel

My life feels like an extended version of the Catholic Sunday masses I used to attend. If you aren't Catholic, the one hour of holy mass consists of standing, then sitting, then standing, kneeling, maybe some walking, some hand holding and shaking, and so on and so forth. Basically, you can never get comfortable or really concentrate on anything because you are up and down, up and down. During the short intervals between each of these activities you try and entertain yourself by looking around the church. Does that person really think their 2 day old screaming baby needs to come to Sunday mass? Did that person look in the mirror before they left the house? Should I really take of the Body of Christ today because I know I've sinned at least 12 million times since my last confession? You know that the gist of this extravaganza is to get a little of the Holy Spirit in you for the week, but it can be painfully boring with the monotony of the routine and it's easy to get lost and not be able to focus on the real reason why you woke up, put on your Sunday best and decided to spend an hour with the Lord.

This is how my life in this IVF cycle feels. I put on my best big girl panties and found myself an RE that I loved. I decided after months that this is the plan for me. I was pumped and excited and ready to roll. I just knew this had to work, how could it not? I had my eye on the prize, a sweet baby that will complete the family hubby and I have dreamed of for years. But then I got in the routine. Pills, shots, rules. Timing, schedules, advice, special diets. Appointments, check ups and check writing. It has been well over a month since I took the plunge and decided this was the road for me. After five weeks on birth control pills and over a week on lupron, steroids, metformin, happy pills and baby asprin, I've had a little too much idle mind time. I've been thinking, hey, maybe this won't work. Maybe it will work and I'll end up with a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage. Some days I'm up and good to go. Other days I'm standing tall, knowing with full confidence I will be a mommy someday and happiness is just around the corner. Some days I am left kneeling on the floor without a leg to stand on, consumed by fear, anger and mostly sadness. Some days I know I can do this, other days I know I'm not okay and am not sure that I can handle all of this.

Only one week and one day left until my first appointment after stims begin to see if we can even move on (too low of estradiol numbers will equal a cancellation). After that there will be much more action. I just want to do this and see what happens already!