Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Nap Time and Surgery Update

Nap time, AKA Hell.

During the week my kids attend daycare while I go to work. I have picked them up twice during naptime and they are sleeping peacefully like little angels. I have never had any report that it is any different in the going to sleep department either.

Not at home on the weekends. On stay at home days, we rock in the rocking chair and we read 2-4 stories and they have a bottle (I know, I know, they're almost two, I'm a wuss). We go upstairs and I tuck them in, give them smoochies and tell them I will see them in awhile.

It is not long until I hear

A. Jumping
B. Banging
C. Laughing
D. Crying
E. All of the above

I try to ignore it to the best of my abilities. Both of the children at separate times have busted their faces on something while jumping on the bed. One glorious time my children both took off their diapers and were naked when I came to check because after an hour of their wild behavior silence usually equals sleep, but I like to check just in case. In this case it equalled two stunned toddlers who had crapped in their beds. Yay! Not.

We have tried crying it out. I admit I don't have the stomach for this, especially when it gets to the high pitched shrill and there is snot and swollen faces, ugh. I hate that. I let them cry for a little while, but my wussiness settles in and I usually go lay in the cribs with them.




The other Saturday we had a super lazy day and the twins knew both mommy AND daddy were downstairs so they were really having a party. Hubby went upstairs and swaddled them.


They were pissed. Also, I'm sure swaddling almost two years olds is not recommended.

Finally, we covered their window with a blanket and TA DA! It helped a bunch. I don't know how daycare does it, but I'm grateful they do. The blanket is still over the window, by the way. It looks bad and I need to find an alternative.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I went to the OB's office for my surgery follow up last Wednesday. The OB's office for an infertile person is actually lower than the level of hell that nap time is in by a long shot. It sucks. And OB's suck because they are always happy because they are surrounded by women in the best time of their lives even though they are giving you bad news. And you want to slap the damn smile right off their face, but then you don't because you've been arrested once and do not wish to repeat (ahem).

I was told when I woke up that they found endometriosis. While I was not happy to have yet another reproductive problem, I was happy that this was one they could fix! They could just burn it off, that's what they said. I was pretty happy to know that something was checked off my list.

Psych! Just kidding. It turns out in fact that it is not checked off my list, nor will it be.

The endometriosis was not extensive, so that's good. Unfortunately it is growing on my tubes where they cannot remove it. Also, where it is growing can get into the tubes and cause ectopic pregnancies. They checked and the tubes are currently open and unblocked so that is good. There could be less now than there was before due to the Lupron I was on for my big fat failure of an FET or it could just be starting. So basically my body could be a ticking time bomb.

I was feeling good after the surgery. I tried the FET and the surgery and I felt like I gave it my best shot for awhile and that felt really great. But to be kicked in the stomach again!?!?!? Having PCOS by itself isn't such a huge problem, women get pregnant with it all the time using Clomid or IUI's or nothing at all. Now I have a bad ovary and non-removable, possibly tube blocking endometriosis. I wanted to find something and fix it, but we have found more things that we can't fix.

I am so depressed. Really, I randomly burst into tears. I am 27. I should be bangin' babies out left and right. I have always, always, always wanted lots of babies. I am trying so hard to be grateful for the babies I do have and I am, but after they go to bed or before they wake up or anytime my mind is idle I just want to cry and cry and cry. Secondary infertility is such a lonely place because no one really cares or understand, even less than people did before. I read a great blog post recently that really described the emotions. Click here to check it out if you want.

So that's the deal. Not sure where to go from here. Give up? I don't know.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Fit Friday

Starting weight: 158

Current weight: 156.2

Lbs lost: 1.8

Lbs to go: 16.2

Since my starting weight, I did have surgery, which put a little chink in my getting back in shape. I have increased my working out from not a damn thing to these in the last three weeks:

2 runs outdoors for 5 miles +32 lunges

2 30 minute elliptical session + abs

1 random workout of jumping jacks, push ups, burpees and planks

That's it! I need to step it up guys. I got up twice at 5:30 a.m. and worked out and I was so proud of myself. I do my long runs on weekends and Hubby hangs with the twins. My alarm goes off every morning at 5:30 to work out and I am so far 2 for 10 on that, ha!

Biggest setback: First was my surgery, obviously. Second was an emotional disruption that led to foul eating. I learned my lesson this week, DO NOT EVER TELL THE UNIVERSE TO BRING IT ON! It's been brought and I am waving my white flag! Mercy, please, I can't take much more yo! I apologize. Are we okay now? I'm sorry Universe. Can I have a break?!?!?! Anyway . . . . my emotional problem led to the eating of 4 donuts and 4 oatmeal pies. Yeah, the fact that I didn't gain 5 lbs is a small miracle. The fact that I weighed .2 lbs less the day after this binge and hubby gave me a high five for finding success on the oatmeal pie diet makes me laugh! But it's still bad and I clearly need to find a better way to deal with my emotions (that statement was the duh of the century, wasn't it?).

Best part: Although I am not just shedding weight like gangbusters, I feel like I must be toning up a little because my fat pants are now so baggy that I can wear them like sweats instead of jeans, no need for using the button or zipper!

My main goal is to do my run this weekend, workout twice during the week, and be a much better eater. How did you do this week?

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Why I Love Hubby

After a party recently, Hubby admitted that he just doesn't know what to talk to other guys about. He loves his job and he loves working. He loves his kids and he wants more. He doesn't watch or care about sports. He doesn't hunt and he isn't into cars.

The sports thing is obviously the toughest because seriously, all guys we know love sports. Even the hipster guys who wear fake glasses and skinny jeans watch football on Sunday. Hubby never knows what they are talking about, but I love that he doesn't do it just because everyone else does. I know a lot of people genuinely like to watch sports and that is fine, but I love that hubby doesn't. He stays true to himself. That, of course, is beneficial to me because I never pictured myself as the wife who throw's on a team shirt and watches sports with the hubs all weekend or chooses to just do things without the hubs and I am so thankful I don't have to. I know that's such a small thing, but I love it!

We love to do family things. We love to get out of the house and go explore something, not sit in front of the TV. Last night I found Hubby sitting in the play room on a tiny chair, with a cowboy hat on, eating plastic vegetables in the play kitchen. I know it's cheesy, but it is the sweetest thing to see that stuff. He has always been a great dad and loves his daddy role, but he really sucked balls at the middle of the night stuff in newborn-land and that made me really unhappy with him. We got back to a good place and decided his punishment is lifelong dish duty. JACKPOT!!!! He always tells me thank you for doing stuff around the house, even though he shouldn't, but he does. Even though vacuuming is part of life and someone has to do it, I appreciate that he appreciate's the effort (I am so lazy it is unbelievable, I don't know how he puts up with me).

Another great thing about Hubby? He knows all about the Bachelor. Here is our conversation while bathing babies the other night:

Hubby: Did you see Emily, that chick that Brad picked, is going to be the next Bachelor?

Me: Bachelorette you mean, and yes I saw that. I know lots of people like her, but I really don't. I think she's a liar kind of.

Hubby: Oh, I know she's a liar. I know it!

Hahahaha! Only a real man can talk Bachelor.

Marriage is no joke. It's hard. And it's long. And you have to compromise a lot and I don't like that. But it's also pretty good. I feel like I am rather lucky in the hubby department! I know there are much bigger things, like the fact that he works a full time job, side jobs and goes to school to better our lives, the fact that he makes me laugh, he is a very strong emotional partner, I can trust him, etc, but those little things really do add up and make a big impact on us too and I don't want to forget them.

Another good thing about hubby, he fits in a box!

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My girl has some sweet style . . . .

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Yes, she is wearing flannel footie jammies and a pair of shorts over that she put on herself while pushing her baby in the stroller!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Insult and Injury

I must say I've been pretty proud of myself for the last few weeks. It was so easy with the FET we just did to slip back into the infertile funk. How could it not be? Not only does it just suck a pair of huge ones that you can't get pregnant in the privacy of your own home with your husband, but you have to inject/patch on/take pills/shove stuff up your lady bits that are FULL of hormones, drain your bank account and deplete your emotional storage. And that happens whether you are successful or not, but to not have success? That was awful. I mean, really way worse than I could have imagined. Maybe I'm a wuss, but it sent me straight down into depression in just two months.

BUT . . . . I started coming around a lot quicker than I had thought and honestly can say I feel pretty good about things. I was giving myself just one more week to make it through before calling to get back on Lexapro when I had a lot of changes of heart and felt good again. A little hurt, yes, left wondering if I will ever really get over infertility, yes, but depressed and angry? No, it's gone now.

The last few weeks have been sprinkled with pregnancy announcements. When people tell me I know the tears are in there but I fight them off and by the time I am done I don't need to cry at all. I remind myself that of course I'm jealous and sad for myself, if my FET had worked I would be pregnant right now too. That being said, under no circumstance in any Universe would I wish that anyone would have to go through all this crap to have the family they want, so I can be glad for that person that it's not their reality even if it makes me jealous. I don't even wish it on the Teen Mom's from MTV who have new baby daddy's and get into YouTube fights. Nope, not even them.

Since the Universe enjoys testing my boundaries, it says "oh really, Ashley? You're going to put on your big girls panties are you? How about this!"

And then I get a bill from the RE for $643.00. Dammit! This makes me angry. On IVF #1 when this happened they sprung it on me on the way out after my first ultrasound where we saw two heart beats after 30 cycles of TTC, $22,000 and 12 assisted reproductive treatments. Of course I paid it without a second glance, if they had asked me for one of my kidney's on the way out I would have given it to them. But this time not so much. Now they want $643.00 on top of the other $3,000 that resulted in NOTHING. Not a thing but a broken heart. I had so many thoughts, not excluding sending them a mail bomb with their payment (again, just joking FBI, don't know how to do that). Instead, I pulled more money out of the savings and sent the check. Moving on again.

I mentioned in my last post that I am doing things that I enjoy again and making that a priority that is equal to other priorities and not a luxury. I have read a few books because I love reading. I really enjoy Jodi Picoult books although they tend to end in a depressing and shocking manner. I started reading "Sing You Home" because it's the only one I haven't read yet.

This has turned out to be another example of the Universe showing me who's boss. Something that I do for my enjoyment sucked me down the dark tunnel again!

The book is about all kinds of things, but long story short a divorced couple is battling over frozen embryos. The guy got really religious and they call the embryos "pre-born children."After reading into this book for a long while this weekend, that term just stuck with me. I am not a Christian and I don't think of each fertilized embryo as a child. I know scientifically our little embryo was just a ball of cells. I don't feel as though I had a miscarriage or lost a child or that I will see that embryo in Heaven or anything like that.

I would be lying if I said it didn't hit me similarly to those sentiments though. To us, the embryos that we saw are children because that is all we've ever known. We saw Ocean and Ever up on the screen and they became gorgeous little brown eyed, dark haired nuggets. It's only natural to think the same thing again. We were 2 for 2, there was no experience before of seeing an embryo and it not resulting in a baby. So when I saw the embryo on the screen, even though my logical brain told me that embryo looked like shit and would never result in a baby, I could only think of little brown eyed, dark haired babies for the next 8 days. I thought about how I could announce it in a fun way, what type of pictures I would take, what it would be like to be pregnant in the summer and going swimming with the fetus, I thought about what Ocean and Ever would do when the baby got here, I thought about what it would be like to have labor instead of a c-section, and the list goes on for eight days. It did not matter that it was just a ball of cells at the time or that the chance of success was pretty measly, all I thought was "baby, family of 5." I erased the picture of that ball of cells from my phone and camera, but it is still burned in my brain.

After reading the word "pre-born child" over and over again last night, I tossed and turned and then just let it go and started crying. Hubby asked what was wrong and I told him that I just can't believe this didn't work. He said he was sorry, he was wondering if that is what has been keeping me up at night, he thought with all his heart that this would work and never doubted it and he is shocked we are in this position too, this is all not fair, but he feels like things will be okay. And I agree. I feel that way too. Even though I had a good cry last night and it all came back and I was hurting last night, we do have a plan (that I"m not telling, ha ha) and that plan still feels good today.

So there Universe. Keep trying you little shit. I'm hanging in and I will NOT let this business bring me all the way down again. Its sucks hard that our FET failed, but we are going to keep trucking and I think things will turn out great!

Friday, January 20, 2012

Firm Fridays

I am linking up with K. Law today to hopefully get some motivation to lose some weight and get in good shape! I realized at the end of the year how much I have let myself go and let things slide and it just doesn't feel good. I am not planning on dieting hardcore, just being aware of what I am eating and eating less. I am going to up my exercise because I feel so much better when I do.

I cannot believe I am going to show you these love handles, but it's the real deal, so here we go!

Starting Stats 1/6/11

Wt: 158 Goal: 140

Waist: 33 inches

Bust: 42 inches

Thigh: 23 inches

Booty: 40.5 inches

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That is scary! You will not see any love handle pictures again until they are gone. When you see pictures of me on this blog, I am usually stuffed into a Suddenly Skinny tank that is so tight I can hardly breathe and I count putting it on as a workout because it takes a lot of effort. Since this picture was taken I did do one five mile run outdoors accompanied by 32 lunges and just this morning got up at 5:30 a.m. to use the elliptical and work on my core. I don't lift arm weights, I have a set of 20-something each pounds twins for that.

Getting in shape isn't the only thing I am going to be doing to get myself back together.

1. I am going to put more effort into my overall appearance. I can't tell you how many weekends (and sometimes even workdays, yikes) I go without putting on a drop of make-up or anything other than sweats or PJs. That feels good to my laziness, bad to my self esteem so I have put an effort into looking cuter and not just putting my hair in a bun.

2. Reading. I love, I mean LOVE, to read! I have since I was in Kindy but I never do it anymore. While I was pregnant I couldn't think. People kept giving me pregnancy/child birth/child rearing books but all I wanted to do was watch Pineapple Express over and over and then once the twins were here I didn't read at all except for the week I went on a cruise with hubby. So far I have read all three of the Hunger Games books and just polished off The Night Circus. I haven't decided what is next.

3. Hubby. Spending good quality time with hubby makes things better. We went on a date Monday night and it was so nice. Having a good, solid relationship makes me feel good about myself too.

4. Half marathon! I loved training and running the half marathon I the year before IVF #1. Running is like therapy for me so I will be hopefully doing that in April. Unless of course I have a natural miracle pregnancy. So basically I'm saying I will be running a half marathon in April.

P.S. Do you like my cleanly playroom in the background? No matter what we do, it always looks like a freaking bomb has gone off in there!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Public Tantrum

It has happened.

My kids have gotten rowdy or loud or they run around when they shouldn't be, but we have never had a full blown public tantrum before.

Before I begin, let me admit that this is partially my fault. The nuggets weren't feeling great and we should have stayed home. But it was a playdate day and I was so looking forward to it because I miss out on those things a lot as a working mama. I had also been feeling like poo after the surgery and stayed home the entire day Sunday. The kids were sleeping like crap and I knew they needed to be let free into the world to burn off some steam. So we went to the playdate against my better judgement at a very overly crowded place that has climbers, jump jumps, slides and other various play equipment.

A few times Ever had flailed and kicked her legs and let out a few tears so I knew her patience was short if I corrected her from going head first down things, climbing up things you are supposed to go down, etc. We were taking a snack break and I watched as another child was having an all out blood curdling scream tantrum and the two ladies who were sitting and talking to each other and messing on their smart phones said "oh, I would just take that child home if it were me." I was tempted to ask them if they even knew where their kids were, but decided it was not my bees wax.

Ocean said "all done" and got up to go play. Ever followed with her bag of snacks. I told her no, we do not take snacks in the play area. She told me no and kept going. I asked her to put the snacks in my hand, she yelled "no, no, no" to me and scurried up a climber. She got to the top and I told her to give mommy the snacks or mommy will take them. She said no again.

So I took the snacks.

Blood curdling scream. Flailing on the ground. Yelling "no, no, no, mine." Ocean stood above her and was shaking his head and said "oh no, oh nooo" and then decided to keep playing. I said "Ever, come see mommy, mommy will hold you, you're tired." She screamed no at me and then reached out to hit me but I was too far from her. People are watching to see what happens.

What to do? I have seen many a mom give their tantruming child lectures and gentle talking and honestly, I think that's nuts. Do people really think you can rationalize with a tantruming two year old? Obviously they do, but no, you cannot. I laugh when I see that, but it is nice that some mom's have the patience to give that a try. I could do as I have seen before and start yelling at her in public, but I would never do that either. I could scoop her up and run out of their for fear of annoying other customers, but I do have a second child who was having a great time that I didn't want to punish, even if Ever's screaming was annoying to everyone. So . . . . . . .

I had my camera around my neck. I thought it would be wise to document the first tantrum. I took some photos.




Then I laughed a little bit because the girl was determined to cause a scene. Then I walked away and pretended I didn't know her.

Yes, there were other mother's looking at me like "OMG Becky, I am going to tweet this on my smart phone, this bitch obviously didn't read Dr. So and So's book about giving lectures to your two year old."

Sure enough, about one minute after I walked away and sat with our stuff, she was up running after Ocean and playing on slides.

I survived the first public tantrum. I'm sure there is more where that came from.

Then we went to eat a huge ice cream sundae after lunch. It was fun. And the best part? I wore those kids out! They slept all night, in their own beds that night. It was glorious. I love spending time with my kiddies, even when they are attempting to own me in public.


Sunday, January 15, 2012

The Situation

Wednesday I had my lap surgery. It was pretty easy. I have absolutely no memory of waking up at the surgery center or going home or getting home or anything which was super creepy. I haven't had pain in my incisions but have had stomach aches and head aches since then. I went and worked a full eight hour day Friday and went to a birthday party and a fancy shmancy work dinner with Hubby on Saturday, so I have been pleasantly surprised by lack of pain. I still feel groggy and achy, but not in pain.

I was not surprised that they did find endometriosis in my lady bits. I don't know the details, because as I said, I was on another planet that I now can't remember. So the situation is as follows:

1. PCOS - known about that for years, actually since 9 months after we started TTC at the end of 2007
2. Lefty the Loser Ovary - I had suspicions during treatments, but not confirmed until recently
3. Endometriosis - Thought about it, but never had any overwhelming symptoms, so this is a new one

Sounds like a winning combination, no?

Despite the odds slowly racking up against me, something weird happened this week out of nowhere. I just feel calm now. I don't feel as angry or sad or anything really. I was looking at pictures of Ocean and Ever when they were fresh little newborns last Tuesday. I thought it would make me sad and crave the chance to do it again. It is no secret that I have always wanted a large family. It is no secret that Hubby would love to have at least one more kiddo.

But when I was looking at the pictures of my nuggets, looking like scrawny little chickens that popped out of an egg with bug eyes, it just made me smile. Then I turned and saw them, now almost two (gasp!) as Ocean was pretending to shoot Afrin up his nose while Ever told him "no, no, no Ocean" and he was grinning from ear to ear, and I realized that I have it pretty good. Pretty awesome, really. I know lots of women crave newborns, but I love watching these two grow. And it is going by at the speed of light. Each day with them is so new and so out of the ordinary, even if we are doing nothing.

Of course more kiddos would be adding to the joy, but it is something that I really want, not something that I really need. I certainly don't want it to impair my ability to soak up the joy I get to feel right now with them.

On the other hand, tonight Ocean found a thermometer on the floor and said "what's this?" My very classy husband told him it's something that we stick up Mommy's butt. I told him no and then lectured hubby. I saw Ocean eyeing me but Ever and I were playing an Elmo game on the iPad so I wasn't getting up. I did later and didn't even think about the thermometer. As I was walking to the kitchen I felt the pitter patter of feet chasing after me and that boy was trying to stick the thermometer on my butt! I started laughing and said no, and then took off running. He chased me! He did not forget for one second what Hubby told him that was for and he was not giving up. Jeebus. I might need a third kid so I can get a re-do in the parenting department.

This is Ever working hard in Grampa's office. She colored all over his PO's very seriously and eyed everyone who came through the door. If you tell her "make money" then she reaches over and hits the plus sign on the calculator!

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So serious!

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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

It's My SITS Day!

Welcome! I am so excited about this! I have trolled SITS for awhile now checking out tons of blogs and it is pretty awesome to now be one of them!

My name is Ashley, I'm 27, I met Hubby when I was 19 and we got hitched when I was 23. We have twins, Ocean (Oshy) and Ever (Peanut) who were born full term and will be two on Earth Day. I work full time with kids but I always dream of being with my own kids full time. Our spiritual beliefs are complicated so I won't mention it in this short synopsis.


I started this blog as a place share and vent my infertility journey. The other thing I did here was find so many sources of support. People in the real world who have not experienced it or known someone that have experienced are generally not great supporters because they either don't know how to be supportive or they don't get why not being able to have babies is "such a big deal." So . . . .I turned to the interwebs and have found a great source of support and free therapy! I had no idea I would have trouble getting knocked up at the age of 23. It has made me feel sad, angry, guilty, worthless, jealous and then eventually grateful and happy because we have the twins now and they are super! We would love a big family and are back in the trenches and recently had a failed fertility treatment. Boo. So now I feel sad, angry, guilty, worthless, jealous, happy, grateful and in love with O&E all at once.

The second most popular course of discussion on this blog is mommyhood! It has really surprised me. I absolutely love it, but I think I have made my fair share of new mommy mistakes. Hubby, the twins and I are just all trying to figure this out together and be the family we want to be and that works for us.


(the partners in crime flushing the potty over and over as I'm telling them not to)

Thank you so much for stopping by! Feel free to roam around!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Going Under the Knife

I am going under the knife tomorrow! They are going to have a peek through my belly button to see if I have scar tissue, if they do see some they will burn it off and they are going to put dye through my tubes just to make sure they are still clear and clear out anything they can there too.

We did notice that my left ovary is very cysty and doesn't have great fluid flow. I always thought there was something off with it because my cycles are longer when I am due to ovulate from that side and I just get a lot of pain but not any symptoms of ovulation. During monitored cycles it never produced as well as the right one. It's kind of a bummer to know that I have a low functioning ovary and let's say we tried for 6 months, that would only really equal 3 chances for us, but it's nice to have information. That's kind of sick I know, but I think knowing is good.

On the other hand, my right ovary looks fabulous! Better than ever actually. I can honestly say in the 9,237,983 ultrasounds I have had of my ladybits I've never seen an ovary that nice. The doctor said it looks great, fully functioning, and like it is ready for ovulation. That makes me really, really happy. It's the small things! I have no idea what brought this about because I had it scanned about four months ago. The only thing difference in my life is that I have been taking CoQ10 supplements for the last few months and drinking at least one glass of antioxidant max green tea. Interesting . . . . .

I feel really good about things actually. Seeing that good ovary and getting new information is calming to me. Taking some action makes me happy. I know this is super weird, but my psychic friend emailed me too! I know that is cuckoo, but I contacted her before my first IVF because I was so crazy and I needed someone or anything to tell me yes, IVF was the best thing to do. I randomly got an email from her yesterday saying that she was "feeling" that I have been having a hard time and that it was a hard time that has plagued me and brought me down for a long time (true!). She then said that this thing is going to change and I am going to feel a peace that will be permanent. It is silly because I am not 100% convinced in psychics and Gods and things, but I won't lie, I like what she has to say! It may be false hope completely, but false hope feels a lot better than no hope at this point.

Hubby and I have come to a decision that we are both happy and content with. But I'm not telling (evil laugh)! At the end of summer you will know what we chose if I a)announce my IVF pregnancy, b) announce that we are heading on a cruise in Disney form, or c) Hubby does a guest post telling you I am in the mental institution because we did IVF and it didn't work.

In odd news:

1. I am planning the twins 2nd birthday party! Shut the front door, the twins will be two in a little over two months! We are doing it Yo Gabba Gabba style. The kids love that show, and I have to admit, it's my fave kid show too. Hubby even has a full DJ Lance Rock costume. He looks like an idiot in it so I can't wait to show you the pictures!

2. Sometimes I like to see what people Google to arrive here. One things said "fat girl with a belly button ring." What the hell Google?!?!? I know I'm pleasantly plump, but I don't even have a belly ring. Geez. Rude.

Water tables are where it's at in toddler world!




Sunday, January 8, 2012

10 Days in Heaven

I took ten days off at the holiday's. I only usually take a long weekend or as of late, we have had so much sickness that I am off for that. Otherwise, it's two days a week.

Ten straight days was a big deal. I haven't been with them that long since they were only 10 weeks old. They are about to turn two!

I absolutely loved it. It was amazing! Watching all the little things they do is the best. We did lots and lots of snuggles. While we were together they slept better and weren't so whiney like they sometimes get in the evening, which is probably because they missed Mommy and Daddy so much that they just want to be held all evening. Hello Mommy Guilt. Being available to them all the time was so relaxing.

I think those ten days with Oshy and Ever really built up my patience too, with all the things we have going on. Working full time, hubby is also in school almost full time, trying to be with the twins as often as possible, trying to take care of myself, family building, etc. Hubby had to go out of town last minute for work, which normally stresses me out, but we did fine. One night my grandparents helped and one night it was just us. I even had to unexpectedly be to work an hour and a half early and it was no big deal! That is strange. We got ready quickly, had snuggles and loves, no one was stressed, even though they only had mommy to depend on day and night.

It made me come to two conclusions:

1. I can handle more than I think I can and things generally turn out okay. I always think I"m failing, when in fact, things aren't so bad. Me not immediately stressing turned out great for everyone, hubby and the twins especially.

2. It also made me reprioritize some things. One thing I can't discuss at this time as it is work related and undetermined. The other is that I put some effort into getting organized. I have not been trying to squeeze in as much sleep as possible for the last week, but instead getting up by 6:30 a.m. so I have a good 45 minutes to really prepare myself for the day before the twins wake up. That might be a no brainer, but I just figured it out! I purchased a dry erase calendar for the fridge and hubby and I went through the month writing down what we know will happen and getting ourselves figured out. I even planned a week's worth of meals, that, wait for it . . . . will be cooked at home! That's a big deal. Friday night when we were driving and saw a restaurant out the window of the car the twins would say "dinner! dinner!" Yeah, not good . . . .

Those ten days made a big difference! I am going to save up my vacation and try to do that more often, instead of taking a little time here and there. If we decide to not proceed with the fresh IVF, we have looked into taking a Disney cruise at the end of summer. We love cruising and think it would be fun to take the nuggets.

Hubby said how much the last week has been so enjoyable and he likes the new, organized Ashley. Cross your fingers that it lasts . . . . .

Eye rolling caught in the act!

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Ever was sleeping, so Osh and I went exploring togther in the woods!

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Friday, January 6, 2012

Best and Worst Celebrity Names 2011

Hubby found this Yahoo article and had me come read it because we are both obsessed with names. Yes, even hubby. The thought of having more kids is an interesting prospect because there really aren't any names in the world better than Ocean and Ever. We have a few up our sleeves, but we will never tell! (evil laugh happening) We get made fun of a lot for these names, but we aren't offended.

Names are tough for me because I work with 80 kids a day. That means that names get stuck to certain types of kids and I can't picture them any other way. I hate a lot of names. It is awful when people tell me what they are going to name their child because 9 times out of 10 I do not like it and I happen to be an absolutely terrible liar. I don't ever ask anyone what names they've picked because I know my first thought will be "ick" or something like that. I have never told anyone that I hate their child's name to their face of course, it's tough for me though.

Without further ado, here are the best and worst names of celebrity babies (who are awesome namers) . . . .


Amaya (Mariska Haritgay)
- Meh, it's okay
Joni (Zac Brown of the Zac Brown Band)- I hate it
Monroe (Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon)
- I love it!
Penelope Athena (Tina Fey)
- Meh, it's okay
Willow Sage (Pink) - I love it!

Milo (Alyssa Milano)
- Meh, it's okay
Skyler (Rachel Zoe) - I hate it
Marcelo (Ali Landry) - Meh, it's okay
Flynn (Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom) - I love it!
Weston (Jenna Fischer) - I hate it



Mosely (Peyton Manning) - I love it!
Mirabella Bunny (Bryan Adams)
- This is a cross between okay and love, I love Bunny for a middle name!
Genesis (Viola Davis) - I hate it, with emphasis!
Arlo (Johnny Knoxville) - I would like this for a boy
Indiana (Ethan Hawke) - I hate it


Kroy Jagger (Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak) - I hate it
Spike (Mike Myers) - I hate it
Bear Blu (Alicia Silverstone) - I hate it
Kannon (Kevin James) - I love it!
Diesel (Jennie Finch) - Meh, it's okay. I like it with the sibling, whose name is Ace
Moroccan Scott (Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon) - I hate it

So there you have it. Thoughts on these picks?

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We went to the Nascar Hall of Fame in North Carolina. Hubby and Osh loved it. Ever and I thought it was totally lame.

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I know, don't even say it. My little baby boy looks like a boy, a real boy. Tear.

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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Someone Tell Me What To Do

I know, I know, only I can make decisions for myself. But I just don't want to! Spending lots of time off of work with the twinsies helped a lot, but I have big decisions to make. Here is a glimpse into my crazy mind and all the things running through my head:

1. To IVF or not to IVF? Immediately after the big BFN (big because it was FET style, not all the usual ones I have with a regular cycle for the months before that), I thought I would for sure, HAVE to do a fresh IVF. We are signed up for the May/June cycle. I'm not sure if I want to though. If I do that, I could lose all my chances of moving neighborhoods (this isn't a vanity thing, the Kindergarten in our neighborhood is a big no and I don't really agree with homeschooling, but I will if we still live here) and also being a stay at home mom in the foreseeable future. I go back and forth on it. I like working okay, but our daycare bills are higher than our mortgage so it seems silly sometimes, but my health care is really awesome. So financially, the IVF is a scary situation. $15,000. Ouch.

2. The other issue is twins. I knew if I ever did IVF again, I would only transfer one. Well . . . I just did that and it didn't work. Transferring two instead of one slightly raises your chance of success. As far as twin pregnancies go, mine was pretty easy and full term to boot. But twin pregnancy with twin toddlers? That sounds like a terrible idea. Twin infants? That was not fun. 100% worth it, but really hard. That would be very very hard on me and even worse, that would be unfair to the twins I already have. I don't think I could walk in there and confidently transfer one and I'm not spending $15K on something I don't feel fairly confident about. Also Hubby is not to keen on the idea of twins again. He really wants to the the IVF, but as long as we don't agree, it will not happen.

3. Adoption. We have almost fully filled out our foster care packet and have a few more things to do. Over the weekend we had two kiddos over and I had four kids running around and I absolutely loved it. But (there is always a but), I think of how Osh and Peanut fight over mommy time and how that might affect them. I think of what would happen if they get really attached to the foster child and he/she gets taken away from us, which is very likely to happen. I don't want to be offensive, but I also wonder how I will feel. Will I feel differently about a non-biological child? How will our friends and family treat that child? How will the child feel in comparison to Ocean and Ever? It's a really hard decision.

4. I would like to just keep continuing to try on our own, but that is just not possible for my body. People keep telling me how I have all this time, but if I needed intervention at 23 I can't imagine waiting much longer would be great. I was hoping to be one of those people whose body corrected itself after pregnancy, but unfortunately my body is a bigger mess than it ever has been. My ovaries look like hell on the sono and combined with the c-section pain and pulling it just isn't good. Not to mention weight gain. We just got excited about trying on our own and it was fun and then BAM! I got my period two weeks early. Early. EARLY. I read online that this can be due to adequate estrogen levels but low progesterone (check), sudden increase in exercise (check) or stress (super check, all of the above). So while we thought we were giving it a go on our own, we were never even in the game. Yuck. I thought about just doing three months of birth control to give my haywire hormones a break and then 4-6 months of to try on our own and see if maybe a kid comes along, but I'm not sure.

5. Age. Hubby would not like to procreate past when he turns 40, but we would both like to have more kiddos. Please don't take that offensively, age of people does not bother me in anyway, if you want to babymake well into your 60's I really don't care. But for Hubby this is important, and I understand and respect what he is saying. Which means we have less than 5 years to resolve this. That may seem like a long time, but it is short when you think of having to come up with big bucks multiple times and all the things that could happen in between.

6. Letting it go. I hate to admit that I hope beyond hope that I could just wake up one morning and be like "I'm fine, I don't really need a third or more kid." That would actually be ideal. That or a free baby, but I don't think either one will happen. It would just be the easiest thing in the world to decide that I'm good and move on. I am trying to do that, but it is tough. When I was five years old and my youngest sibling was brought home from the hospital, I just knew that being a mom was the life for me. I have always wanted a house full, four or five kids. Hubby and I were watching a movie a month back and there was a family with a table of six kids (that's too many for me personally, maybe) and he said he can't wait until we have chaos like that in our home. Not only will I feel let down, I think I will feel eternally guilty if I don't make this happen somehow. But I don't want to feel guilty. I want to want to be done.

Do you see this mess? I just want someone to tell me what to do, but I know it's time to put on the big girl panties. I have until May to make up my mind.

On a side note, I lost a follower yesterday. What? You don't want to hear about my pubic hair trims? Also, I did some unfollowing yesterday. I have removed blogs from my blogroll before, but never totally unfollowed. So weird!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Three Fails in 24 Hours

Fail #1: I don't do many playdates, mostly because I have a job (oops, I mean I "work outside the home"). I have one friend that comes over to hang out, but that is low maintenance because we are very similar and she doesn't care that my house is messy and we laugh when our kids wrestle for toys, not freak out. Well . . due to kid free week my house was semi-clean and I had the day off Friday so I had a playdate at my house. Since I am a moron, I thought to myself, I have some extra time this morning, I will go ahead and shave my pubes with hubby's face razor again since he isn't around to freak out about it. Those damn things get everywhere! I cleaned them up, but after the playdate left I notices the hairy pube ring around the top of the toilet. Crap! I bet that will be my last playdate with them!

Fail #2: Speaking of things I do almost never, I went out for a friend's birthday. I am rather an anti-social hermit so I really didn't want to but this friend is very supportive of me and my psychotic infertility issues (not many people are up to par in that arena) so I decided I would for sure go and just have a glass of wine. I am a lightweight as well and had four glasses of wine, which made me shitfaced. The current doctor I'm seeing since my regular OB is on maternity leave and the RE rapes my savings account thinks it would be a good idea to chart my temps to see if I ovulate on my own. I decided I would start Saturday. I did not start Saturday because I was up chugging water all night due to the room spinning and I figured that would not be conducive to an accurate temp. I also slept late because Peanut came in the room and was jumping on my and saying "boo" in my ear and I thought I was going to ralph. Nice. Fail.

Fail #3: This is only a partial fail, but I was out running and I wore my spandex running pants and was very self-consious because I have put on a ton of weight this year. A really unattractive, toothless hillbilly leaned out of his window to take a gander. Back in the day this used to happen to me and I would think "oh sick, what a loser," but not yesterday! Oh no! I thought "hell yeah, I've still got it bitches!" But then I was super ashamed that I got that excited over hillbilly sexual harassment. At least the running part was a win.

This is what happens when you suggest to Peanut that it might be time to lose the bottle, no joke . . . . .

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It ain't happenin.'