Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Buzz Kill

I waddled my uncomfortable self into the preadmission office today at the hospital. The parking lot is a joke so I got quite the excercise. They do have free valet parking but because of my distrusting nature I chose not to use it because a) nothing is really free and b) I don't want a stranger in my car.

I made my way up to level three to get all the paperwork signed for my impending childbirth experience. The nurse complimented me on how fantastic I look and how she cannot believe I made it into her office at 34 weeks with no major complications. We went through all kinds of good stuff. Everything was great except for two things:

1. It is more difficult than you might imagine getting medical professionals to jump on board with a delayed vaccination schedule (the babies get vaccinated, but at a slower pace). She informed me as they go about vaccinations some are all mixed into one so they would be getting three at a time anyway. I do not believe that vaccines cause autism, but I don't want my babies systems bombarded with three vaccinations at once, especially from shots with mercury or other preservatives. So that task did not get accomplished because I have to make further arrangements with my doctor.

2. She said that the average twin birth occurs around 36 weeks, which is what I am hoping for. She said as long as they come out healthy the babies will get to accompany me to the recovery room and stay with us for our three midnights that are required after a c-section. In the event that they would need some NICU time, I would be in recovery and not get to see them for TWO hours. After those hours, they would wheel me by to get a glimpse and then I would not see them until the NEXT day. MAJOR BUZZ KILL!! It has been 3 years and 2 months since we started trying for these babies and two hours for me to not be with my babies and then not really getting to be with them at my leisure until the next day will NOT work for me. I know myself and this has major meltdown written all over it.

So . . . I have been hoping in the last few days due to pain and gross stuff and just plain impatience that they would arrive not a day before or after the 36 week mark. Maybe that won't work. An extra week or two could save me a meltdown of epic proportions (unless I have one any day now, which is very possible).

I guess I just need to see what happens tomorrow at measuring day and then I will decide if I will hope to the universe for a later date than April 15th (but it has such a nice ring to it, doesn't it?)!

Monday, March 29, 2010


Things are changing around here!

Since I have been on bedrest, I haven't had a lot of contractions, not even really braxton hicks. Starting on Saturday though, I have had tons of braxton hicks a day and have been so sleepy. I usually venture out to do something once a day for some time but it is getting pretty hard.

Last night the pain was ridiculous. It wasn't contractions, it was just growing pains. Well, I think it wasn't contractions but I guess I don't really know. It is just hip pain and it radiates into my legs and also causes my back muscles to spasm. This also causes cramping which doesn't feel great and additional braxton hicks. I woke up quite a few times but then slept in until 11:00!! Something else is happening too but I won't describe it to you since family reads this and it's kind of nasty.

Other than dreaming of a hefty dose of vicodin and a muscle relaxer, I am so excited! I hope this means something is happening down there. My OB said 36 weeks would really be perfect so if everything checks out at the specialist on Thursday I am going to HOPE with all my hopes that it will only be two weeks before we meet them. If that doesn't work, I am going to BEG with all my begging skills, I'm talking on my knees and maybe some tears, that we can look at the induction around 37 weeks instead of 38.

Cross your fingers for April 15th!!

Friday, March 26, 2010

The End

I was so excited the other day thinking that the end is nearing and our babies will be here soon. I told my OB that I know I have hounded her about how truly important it is to me for them to get to 38 weeks, but I admitted to her at the last appointment that I think I would die if I had to go that long (serious discomfort has begun, like crawling to the bathroom in the night to pee because it hurts to stand discomfort).

I want to hold my babies, I want to kiss them, and I want to know that they are healthy and perfect in every way. I also want my body and my health back. I have had hormones injected into me and tons of drugs taken and then side effects a plenty for the last several years. I have lived at the doctor and can't wait to be free of it and finally have what we've wanted and just get to live our lives.

The end is near!

But it's the end, the real "end." The end with a huge period at the conclusion of the sentence. We have decided for a variety of reasons that we will not attempt to get pregnant ever again and once I am done breastfeeding I will be back on the pill. So it's starting to become strange when I think about it. I feel like I have been pregnant for a very long time, but it seems a little sad to know that I will never feel little monkey's moving around in my belly again. I will never go to an ultrasound super excited to find out what's going on. I know I have much more exciting things to look forward to than this now that we will have our babies, but I'm getting a little nostalgic about this pregnancy. It's almost over.

It probably doesn't help that I have finished all three seasons of Big Love. That show is so entertaining! No need to use my mind at all, just sit and enjoy. I must find something else of the same caliber of entertainment ASAP. When I was on bedrest for OHSS, I got hooked on True Blood and was hoping that Season 2 would come out towards the end of the pregnancy, but I found out yesterday it does not come out until May 23rd or something like that. I'll have to go see what's going on at Blockbuster tomorrow. Or maybe I could actually attempt to use my brain and read a book. :)

Thursday, March 25, 2010


Babies both passed their BPP's within 3 minutes today and my weight was great (29 pound gain at 33 weeks and 1 day).

I got myself a little lecture regarding my finger poking for gestational diabetes. I don't do it after every meal, which including the fasting number, is 4 times a day. I do it 3 times a day usually, which I feel is sufficient. The babies are healthy and I am healthy so who cares about one little pricking a day right?

The perinatal specialist does! She asked me if I am aware how many times I should be testing. I said yes, 3 or maybe 4. No, she says, 4 times! 4 times everyday!

She told me she would really like it if I followed directions and did it 4 times a day.

I smiled and said okay.

In my mind my response was "Oh, you would really like it if I followed directions would you? I would really like a money tree in the backyard and a donut in my mouth but we don't always get what we want, do we? I would also really like it if you would freaking measure my babies today so I can stop worrying about if Ever has caught up like she is supposed to. I would also like it if you didn't charge me $30 per visit for appointments that take 3 minutes."

I doubt I will actually start testing the whole 4 times a day everyday, but if I actually said these things to her she would not smile and say okay like I did, so I consider us even. :)

Thanks for the responses yesterday! Those situations were really weighing heavy on my mind last night. I hate it when bad things happen to good people. Even outside of infertility, I never tell anyone about things being meant to be because it doesn't help and I don't believe it. But that's how I feel, I like to know if others feel the same so thank you for lending your perspective!!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Meant To Be

If you know me well or if you at least have been reading this blog for a long time, you know that I do NOT believe that things are "meant to be," "destiny," or "God's will." I just do not.

I was thinking of this today because I know two people out there who are going through things that I cannot even fathom having to go through. Going through infertility has taught me that even though it is by far the most common response people give others when they don't really know what else to say, no one wants to hear that their suffering is supposed to happen. When I was struggling and struggling and upset and confided in people, I often heard this. I even heard that "God just wants you to care for other's people children because you are so good at it and if you don't get pregnant than you will continue on that path." Yes, that was really meant to console me in some way.

I know this is weird because the vast majority of people obviously find great comfort in hearing these things. When I hear this, even though I know people aren't meaning it this way, it reads to me as "tough shit." Literally. When I hear it to myself or to someone else it doesn't come across as comfort but "life is not in your control. This is what happened and tough shit." I can't stand it.

I am observing as one of these people is sharing what they are going through and it is just awful. This person clearly needs support. There was a lot of support given to her but at the same time there was more "God only gives you what you were meant to have" type business than I thought necessary. Why would someone feel better to know that God wants them to suffer through unimaginable grief and anguish?

I believe that life just happens. We choose our own paths and when crap comes up we choose the next move and have to live with it and that is life. Life sucks big balls sometimes and sometimes life is amazing and wonderful. I don't have anyone to blame for this or to thank for it (ie: God, a higher power). I truly do not believe that there is any reason for people to suffer, but it happens.

So I do want to ask this question, just to understand. Do you believe that things are meant to be? Why?

Just curious . . . .

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The Dignity Train Has Left the Station

Although I have come to a place where I thoroughly enjoy my leisurely schedule, sometimes I must admit the dignity train has left the station and I'm still standing here watching it leave.

I feel more rested, which is good for my crazy mind and I have far less contractions than I had several weeks ago, which is the point, so there is success! I feel smarter because I have all day to read about health care reform or research educational opportunities for myself in the future. I can read tons of blogs and leave lots of comments. It's fun. These are the good things.

Then today, in just a period of one hour, I have embarassed myself twice.

1. I am in the final season of Big Love. Who knew a fictional religious polygamists in Utah could be so entertaining? I finished the last DVD of Season 2 last night so after my daily lunch with hubby I headed to Blockbuster. In front of Blockbuster were about 5 cops, with lights on, pulling a person and all kinds of goodies from a vehicle in the parking lot. By goodies I mean bags of who knows what, alcohol and other things that didn't look safe. They were kind of wandering around so I wasn't completely certain that there wasn't another criminal around. There were no other cars in the parking lot so this was obviously deterring other people from going.

BUT . . I have a schedule. And my schedule includes Big Love in the afternoons. Do I risk my life obtaining the first two discs of Season 3 by going in the back parking lot alone and into the store or do I just come back later?

You guessed it! I went in and got my DVDs! I did take precautions of course, I carefully surveyed the back parking lot, I peeked around the corner before making my way to the front door and I stood in the front door way until I was able to be fairly certain that there were no crazies still lurking (besides myself of course).

The value of my life 0 + the value of my DVDs 1 = NO DIGNITY!

2. I got home and really needed to go to the bathroom to the point that I had cramps. I relieved myself and then stood up. I reached for the tp and there was a steady stream rolling down my leg.

Holy SH@#$! My water broke! The babies are coming! I stood paralyzed for a few seconds. I decided in my fear to wipe it and see what it was like.

Turns out I just tinkled on myself. Yep, peed down my leg, while standing next to the toilet. Again, no dignity!

Sigh . . . .

Monday, March 22, 2010


I have heard this word in regard to my infertile status quite a few times.

The most common question that leads to this:

"Do twins run in your family?" - Nope, I did IVF. Although hubby's grandma did inform us that there are several sets of boy/girl twins in his lineage. FAR up in the lineage, but still.

But my favorite conversations that lead to this are with medical professionals. Here is my conversation with the L&D nurse that started my bedrest:

"Twins, wow! Do they run in your family or did you use Clomid?"

"Well, I did use Clomid but it didn't work, so our twins are a product of IVF."

She flips through my chart she just made . . .

"Really? You're so young for that!" - Yes, I know.

My conversation with the nurse at the specialist:

"This is an IVF pregnancy I see. Oh, you're 26. IVF at 26, really?"

"It actually occurred when I was 25." - For some reason that ended the conversation. :)

I am by no means a patient individual. I didn't make it the full year of ttc before I demanded the doctor figure out what was going on. I jumped on the drug induced fertility express at 24 years old. I do admire women who try and try for many years before they go for the big guns, but that's just not my style. I wanted a family and it was a hard choice and a huge gamble. Even though the nurse at the hospital thought I was an egg donor and then told me I was too young to be doing IVF, it didn't get me down!

I know that because I am open about this I invite annoying comments, so I don't take them to heart. Lots of people tell me that if they were in my shoes, they would NEVER do IVF. Some people just say that and some give me reasons. I don't need their explanations because I didn't ask anyone to do IVF. Yes, I am a 26 year old who looks a little more on the late teen, maybe 21 year old side and yes, I am pregnant, yes, I am married, and yes, I am pregnant because of IVF!! This doesn't bother me to explain and I'm not ashamed of it. But I had my own "really??" moment . . .

Someone asked if our children would know about this. I guess they will because we have photos of them, photos that I cherish, as embryos. Most babies don't have that in their baby book. I think it's cool, but never took into consideration that it might affect people. I could understand people judging me, but I never thought that anyone would judge my children.

I'm not going to hide this from my kids and it's something that will cross people's minds forever because they are twins, but I will have to think about how this will be delivered to them now. I'm not going to spend too much time worrying about it because it will be years before they even think to ask that. One thing I know for sure is that if anyone treats my beautiful, perfect, cherished petri babies any differently than a "normal kid" (what is a normal kid anyway?) they will experience a wrath from this bitch they have never experienced in their lifetime!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Nursery is Complete

I have slowly been washing and putting things away in the nursery. I finally finished it and found places for everything! I have been wanting to take photos but tried my best to be patient until I finished to share.

The room is a small room and even smaller with all the baby stuff in it.


These are both the wardrobes, their little bouncy seats, and some book shelves. Reading is very important and we read stories to our foster kiddos every night before bed. Above the window is four little red birdies; mommy, daddy, Ocean and Ever.



Ever's side of the room! Each of the babies got a handmade quilt from their aunt and grandma. We have a bunch of blankets and weren't sure which we would use, but decided on these when we saw them. They ended up matching the room perfectly!



Ocean's side!



The diaper area! We are stocked up currently with about 200 newborn diapers and about 150 size one diapers. We also have several tubes of Butt Paste. The black back pack is the diaper bag. I was thinking of something more girly for myself but I know hubby will be such a big help I thought this was more practical. It is full right now for the hospital trip with wipes, paste, little blankies and little snugglies in case they are in the NICU.


I love this room light! It actually puts out rays of light and is super cute. The paint colors on the walls represent the outdoors. Green for the earth, the yellow strip is sunset and the blue is sky.

I can't wait until the monkeys get to see it!

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Belly Parade Take Two

So, I realized the other day could be my last planned belly pic! We will take on more before the c-section commences, but in the event that 36 weeks isn't in the cards for me here is the progression:


4 Weeks


8 Weeks


12 Weeks


16 Weeks


20 Weeks


26 Weeks


29 Weeks


32 Weeks


2 Days Post-Partum - JUST KIDDING! My abs have never looked like that, and they won't without a good plastic surgeon! You might have also noticed that I pretty much wore the same jeans the whole pregnancy. I only bought two pairs. Thank goodness for the washer! It's funny to look back on the photos because I remember thinking at 16 weeks, OMG I am HUGE! :)

Thursday, March 18, 2010


I wasn't going to post today so that maybe you guys would all think that I got a life, but I didn't, so here I am!

It is FINALLY sunny here! Kansas has been a crappy, dark gloomy place for too long now. I have only lived in sunshine before moving here for college nearly 8 years ago. Winters make me depressed and grouchy. I used to go tanning because I heard that helped but then I realized I don't really want skin cancer so I tried happy pills instead.

Instead of wishing that I could sleep better so that I could see my babies sooner (my original plan was to sleep 20 hours a day for bedrest but that's not working out), today I could look out the window and start dreaming. I could see myself swinging the babies from the tree in the backyard. I could see the babies playing in the mud in our raised beds out back. I wheeled the stroller around the house for practice today when I can take my babies out for walks in the sunshine. I saw the four of us sitting at the little table on our back deck having dinner that hubby barbequed and enjoying the evenings with a glass of wine. I saw us walking to the park behind the house and watching the monkeys feed geese or swinging on the wooden swing next to the lake. Of course I saw lots of snuggles and kisses.

In all my joy I made a boo boo and had a glass of chocolate milk and a chocolate pop tart. It was the wrong thing to do, but it was delicious. I'm going to be a good girl and eat turkey chili for dinner to make up for it.

The three of us got a clean bill of health at the peri appointment today! The babies both passed the BPP within minutes. He checked my cervix because I told him of the pressure I've been having. It is smaller, down from 3.7 to 2.5, but no funneling. He said because I am short I will probably feel more pressure and it's okay, but we are all doing great! My sugar report from my glucose meter was good and I gained a pound since last week.

For all you "Gleeks" I will leave you with the "Halo/Walking on Sunshine" song from Glee. Love this show!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

8 Month Stats

TTC: 2.5 years, got knocked up the 30th cycle

What: Twins, a boy (Ocean) and a girl (Ever)

How I am feeling: Uncomfortable! I feel like my skin might explode soon. But mostly I am feeling anxious! Being on bedrest now I have few distraction and I think about them all day; when will they get here, will they be okay, will they like me, etc.

Weight gain: 27 pounds

Cravings: EVERYTHING!! I am on the GD diet and am starving and all the tasty Easter candy is out. I am going to buy some and it put it in my hospital bag because the doctor assured me that once my placentas are removed I should be able to eat chocolate again. You can only eat so much meat, eggs and cheese before you just want to go on a bagel binge!

Milestones: The babies have passed all BPP's. I also had my first trip to L&D. It was surprisingly calm there. They are total wiggle worms and I can feel and now SEE them move on the outside. Last night Ocean had hiccups and we could see them!

Signs of labor: Contractions. Real ones, not braxton hicks. They hurt and I panic. Two weeks ago my cervix was still 3.7 long so they don't appear to be doing anything. I hope they check on it tomorrow. I am a numbers nazi!

I watched 16 and Pregnant again today. Can't help it. Next week's episode showed a girl with bad back labor screaming and screaming. So . .

Dear Lord,

Thank you for blessing me with twins so that I can have a c-section no questions asked.


I am going to show you a belly picture, although I haven't really wanted to. My stretch marks are the most hideous things I have ever seen. I just get more and more and they get bigger and bigger. Luckily I don't bare my navel often so it's not the end of the world, but it is still pretty gross.

This is the belly at 32 weeks . . . .


It's really scary, I know. If you are trying to get pregnant, thinking about getting pregnant, or are newly pregnant, don't be afraid. This isn't normal.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I Found It

A hobby that is! Well, not really a hobby because it doesn't involve any kind of activity, but I have become addicted to "Big Love." It's an HBO show about polygamists. It's super addicting and I started renting it Sunday. It is now Tuesday and I have almost completed the entire first season. The unfortunate thing is that there are only 3 seasons on DVD and I hope that the monkeys don't appear for at least two more weeks and 3 days (34 weeks, bare minimum). But I'll enjoy it while I can!

The other thing I found is a delicious treat that does not raise my blood sugar but tastes like it should! I mix peanut butter (the natural type), ice chunks, light soy chocolate soy milk and a banana in the Bullet and it is delish.

Thanks for all the advice on the sleepers! When I met hubby for our daily lunch today he agreed we could try rooming in for a month. :) It's a start! He suggested moving one of their cribs to the bedroom, but I'm not sure what will happen. I definitely don't think I want them in the other room though. When my little cousin spent the night at a few months old, I woke up every 30 minutes to check on her. Hopefully I will be so exhausted that I don't go that far, but I'm sure it will be just as bad with my own kiddos.

You will most likely get a post from me everyday, I have no life after all! You know what's sad? I have plenty of things I could do around the house like organizing, cleaning, etc, yet I just sit around. Embarassing!

Monday, March 15, 2010


I really, REALLY want an Arms Reach Co-sleeper for next to the bed. Although I'm being strict with the budget now that I'm not working, I am very tempted to buy one. I saw it on another person's blog and thought immediately "I want that!"

Beyond budget, there is one other issue in my way. Hubby. He does not want us to do that. He has been a good daddy and has listened to quite a few parenting podcasts. He does have the upper hand because I didn't even make it through "What to Expect When You're Expecting." He feels it would be best for them to start out in their beds (well bed, they will share for awhile) because then there will be no transition to beds later. This does make sense. When we took our Marvelous Multiple birthing class, the guest speaker with two year old twins swore by putting your babies to bed in their own cribs while even still a little bit awake so they learn to self soothe. That makes sense also.

But . . . . it would be nice for the time that they are eating every 3+ hours to have them at "arms reach." If it turns out that I am not good at breastfeeding then it won't matter because I will have to go downstairs to make a bottle anyway. Even if I pump, that will have to happen so no matter what I'll be getting up. Also, I think for awhile I will be a little scared of them being in their own room away from me. Other than their five days in the petri dish, they have always been with me. I'm not sure I will be able to just put them in another room! My mom and I are taking a road trip so out of state family can meet the monkey's and it might be a nice thing to have. Although, I've never seen this in real life so would it fit both the monkeys?

I also don't know if I can just put the babies in their bed. I love bedtime! With my 18 month old foster baby when it was bedtime there is a twin bed in his room so hubby or myself would lay down with him for awhile (maybe half an hour). We would just lay and snuggle until I could hear his little snore in my ear. It was very sweet and he always smelled wonderful after bathtime and in his fresh jammies. I am looking forward to that with Ocean and Ever.

I can't make a decision! I'm itchin' to get my hands on it, but I want hubby to be on board and I don't really know if it's necessary. What do you think, did your munchkin(s) sleep next to you for awhile? What a dilemma!

*On a side note*- For my post yesterday, I did not consider that perhaps the screaming/mom hitting child could possibly have a disorder that would cause them to behave that way. So I apologize if you do have a child who has that experience and outings are tough for you. I will probably consider that from now on, so thank you (you know who you are) for sharing your experience! I did learn something from that. On another note, if you just don't like my harshness, or the fact that things irritate me and I write about them (I did after all put the word judgemental in the title), this probably isn't the reading material for you. There are many times that I read others blogs and mostly like them, but occasionally consider some posts to be odd, ridiculous, and sometimes just plain crazy. But I understand that people are entitled to be odd, ridiculous and crazy, so I don't worry about it. If you are really worried about it and need to tell me, go ahead, but your best odds are just to count to 10, hit the X button on the top of the screen, and read about daisies and rainbows somewhere else.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Judgemental Myrtle On the Loose!

I was only out of the house for one hour today and my judgmental nature was on the loose big time!

First, at Target, there was a mom pushing her kid in the stroller. He was screaming, which is annoying as it is, and he was also hitting her. HITTING. His mother, the adult. What? She kept yelling at him to stop but he just kept hitting her. Hubby was laughing. I didn't think it was funny. Didn't mom figure out that this wasn't going to work out? If she wasn't going to discipline him, why didn't she just take him home? I know, I know, wait until I have my own and I'll see how it is. Whatever. In my defense, I have taken 60 kids out in public and none of them hit me or screamed at me. I took 22 3-5 year olds to a movie and a sit down restaurant a month ago with no issues, so I am always confused when I see one parent with one child and the parent can't handle it.

Next we went to Chipotle for lunch (for my GD I had a chicken bowl with no rice, very filling and doesn't raise my blood sugar!). There was a family sitting at a table with seven kids. While I am not interested in any laws regarding people's reproductive rights and how many kids they have, I still have no idea why anyone needs to have that many children. So there was strike one. Then one of the older kids was taking care of the younger kids to eat while mom sat at the table and text messaged. There were about 4 burrito bowls on the table that they were all sharing. Some of the kids were reaching in with their hands to eat the food like animals, which mom could have taught them better if she were either a) not texting or b) didn't have that many kids to begin with. Strike two. Once mom finished texting she pulled one of the children who looked to be a touch older than one year old and then WHIPPED OUT HER NIPPLE to breastfeed the kid at the table. In public. No hooter hider, no bathroom trip, straight up nipple at the table in the middle of Chipotle! While I have decided to attempt breastfeeding and am not a prude who is afraid of body parts, I still don't really care to see someone's nipples while I'm eating lunch in public. I don't know why, I just am not interested in that. Especially when the kid is old enough to say that they would like that as their side dish for lunch. Definitely strike three. They were already out, but then the whole family got up and went out to their huge, gas guzzling, earth destroying vehicle.

I used to just judge others and then move on. It's not like people don't judge me so it's fair. But now there is a little extra terror and doubt when I do that to parents because we are about to become that. I know I'll never have seven kids or show my nipples in public so I don't worry about that. But what if my kid hits me and screams at me while in the store and I am almost done shopping? That would be awful. And embarassing. On the other hand, while those sort of sympathetic thoughts cross my mind, would I really blame anyone for looking at me like what the eff are you thinking? No, I don't think I would blame anyone for that. I guess it's pointless to worry about now because we have quite a few months until we come upon the yelling, screaming, hitting, embarassing age.

Luckily, first comes the snuggly, sleepy, adorable stage. The soft skin and good smelly stage. The everyday is a miracle stage. Almost there, less than 7 weeks before a c-section would commence . . ..

Friday, March 12, 2010

What a Concept

Prepare for some stupidity coming your way . . . .

Last night I settled into the couch to watch TV. I started getting contractions. They were coming at 7 minute intervals. I haven't had them that close before and they were painful. I called hubby and told him about it and watched it for an hour. As usual, they went away.

Something dawned on me last night. I always feel like they are going to go away if I just wait it out. It's been true so far. BUT . . . one day they will not go away. They will get closer together and then babies will come out.

I know you're thinking "duh genius." When I really, really and truly think of that, it's kind of freaky. And exciting.

Yes, what you're thinking is right. I am over 31 weeks pregnant and I just realized this is going to lead to the birth of other human beings. What a concept!

Thursday, March 11, 2010


*Before you look at these, be prepared that it is NOT pretty*

You've been warned.

My belly has not grown in size in two weeks. When I went to my closet to pick out something to wear I picked out one of my oversized sweatshirts because I thought that would be super comfortable. Apparently I forgot that I'm almost 8 months pregnant with twins:


This is my "oversized" sweatshirt with my belly hanging out the bottom. All I need is a beer, a football game on tv, my hands down my pants and a sprinkling of potato chip crumbs across the top of my belly and the look will be complete! Yes, I went to my doctors appointment like this.

Here are the stretch marks:


Due to lighting they don't look as hideous in this photo as they do in real life. The ones on my sides are about 4 inches long. The ones that go from my hips and straight up the front past my belly button are about 6 inches long. Yikes!

Belly button:


What the hell is this?

Below is just a cautionary tale:


All the stretching has faded out the scar but you can kind of see a brown line across my belly. This is not pregnancy related and did not happen during pregnancy. I just wanted to show you that it IS possible to end up scarred for life from ironing naked. Don't do it!

I had a big pity party for myself today. I don't thinking laying around the house watching television is what I'm cut out to do in life. I keep telling myself it is best for the babies so I will do it. I went to my doctor's appointment and they aren't going to measure the babies. I almost freaked out because I am obsessed with their measurements. They explained that they don't need to because it is better to do it every few weeks. I took it like a man to their face, but cried my ass off when I got in the car and got home. I CANNOT relax until I know they are over 4 pounds and since I'm not a doctor I need them to tell me what they weigh!! They did pass their BPP though so that's all that is important. They also upped my gestational diabetes medicines. Obviously when people feel sorry for themselves they need to eat the Great Wall of Chocolate at PF Changs, but I cannot have that. I would do anything for a donut or cake! Well, anything but hurt my babies so I won't have it but you get what I'm saying.

This is only 3 days in to bedrest, it could get super ugly! Hubby said if I come pick him up from work he will eat lunch with me everyday so that will give me something to look forward to. It's a major battle of the mind to think that I want to be done and hold my monkeys, but they aren't ready for that yet so I don't want to be done. I also try to think about how much I will miss feeling them move around in me and having them with me all the time. Plus, these will be our only children so I want to enjoy it. But I feel freaked out.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Okay, I'm totally gonna brag on myself . . . .

I went to the OB today and I have gained only 27 pounds at 31 weeks! Woo hoo!!! When I imagined myself being pregnant I figured I would gain at least 60 pounds so when I found out it was twins I figured I'd probably gain 80 pounds. I know this is odd for a woman to admit, but I love food. I love to eat it and I eat as much as I want. I NEVER feel guilty for eating ice cream, chocolate, cookies or really half a pizza in one sitting. So the fact that I am not morbidly obese is a true miracle (except for the fact that I love to workout as much as I love eating so it's a balance I guess).

Forget about God walking on water (or Jesus, whoever did that). That's nothing. Ashley gaining 27 pounds while pregnant and never excercising=MIRACLE.

In other news, babies had good heartbeats and I am officially on bedrest. I went to work to finish some things up (I know, I suck at bedrest already) and it was SO weird to think I won't be back for months. It's more weird to think about how poor I'm going to be but that's okay.

As long as there is no drama to report from the specialist tomorrow, I think I will finally show you some photos of my stretch marks and my super weird looking belly button. You would think I gained 100 pounds when you see these suckers, they are for the record books!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Bedrest Test Run

Last night I went to L&D as I haven't been feeling quite right and have been in pain for a few days. Luckily no babies are escaping and they were so active! Sadly, I have most likely begun bedrest.

I wanted to make it on my feet a little longer, but what is more important is that all the pressure of me being on my feet doesn't cause them to want out. The longer they bake, the bigger they get, the more likely they will get to come home with mommy and daddy! Thinking of sitting at home all day makes me a little freaked out, but I'd rather that than have to be at work, being annoyed and in pain and worrying that the monkeys are making an exit.

I was told to have modified bedrest today and then discuss the details at my OB appoinment tomorrow morning. This isn't the most convenient day to not be at work, but going to L&D when nothing was really wrong is embarassing so I will follow directions so that the next time I go will only be for the big day.

I slept in, took a shower, messed around on the internet and have been laying around. Then I couldn't find my insurance book so I called to figure out how much the birth is going to cost me anyway. She said it would be my deductible of $2000.00.

WHAT THE FRENCH TOAST? I know I've read through my book before and did not see that! That would put a serious dent in my stay at home time with the monkeys. I told her to please check on that and I was put on hold, while I listened to elevator music and had panic thoughts.

She got back on and said that it would cost $150. That is MUCH better! I guess after spending $24K over the years making these babies I shouldn't worry about an additional $2K, but good grief, that was scary!

I'll be 31 weeks tomorrow. Yeehaw!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Suck It Up!

The babies are going to probably come earlier than I had hoped (I REALLY wanted 35-36 weeks). But why is this shocking? This has happened many times in the last few years, beginning with not being able to make babies to a whole host of other things not coming to fruition when I wanted them to. I just remembered that even though things haven't happened exactly how I have planned, things have still turned out pretty darn good. Instead of worrying about this endlessly (I still worry of course) I am going to get things done in the event the babies come sooner than I thought.

Things that are complete:

- We bought all of the necessary items left on our registry, including the other car seat to bring the other monkey home, so we have everything that the babies need.
- I have washed all of their little clothes in Dreft and will start on their bedding after our laundry is done today.
- I started putting together my hospital bag. I bought 3 nursing tanks, comfy outfits, and a nursing bra.
- This is the crazy one - I cleaned my car!! I know this is totally sick and I shouldn't admit it, but it hasn't happened in a few years. But it is completely clean and ready for monkeys to dirty it back up.

I am about to pop in the shower and then work on the nursery. We have everything in there, it just looks like Babies R Us threw up(thanks again SOOOOOO much to everything our family and friends provided for us). Doing all these things makes me a tad emotional, not that that's saying much these days, because it's getting serious. I don't care about the stillbirth threats, I AM going to be bringing TWO babies home. It's kinda freaky to think about.

I had contractions every 20 minutes for 6 hours on Friday. I was in immense pain when I got home and got to bed. I had a few more on and off in the night, but nothing consistent. After a busy day yesterday I went to Target in the evening to pick up a few things (Benefiber, you can guess what that's for). I had cramping, dizziness and was super sweaty. I got in the car and called the nurse. She said it sounds like the babies are getting ready to escape! She said to call the doctor and I was panicked but I got home and hubby got me off my feet, gave me food and I drank water. It went away in an hour, but I think the nurse is right. And my days of doing anything but laying are coming to a close.

We will see what this weeks appointments bring . . .

Friday, March 5, 2010

A Little Paranoid

Both babies have been very active today, so that's a good thing. I thought I would start with good news.

I appreciate all the stories of perfectly healthy babies born to GD (gestational diabetes) people. I figured that was probably the case, they just seriously freaked me out with all the doom and gloom talk. So I feel a little better. I was reading on another board about someone who just had their twins early and in one of the responses someone said they had their singleton at 36 weeks and she spent some time in the NICU because her longs weren't fully developed from the mom having GD.

Sigh . . . .

So now I'm just a little paranoid. If you didn't know that this week is seriously important, it is Dr. Seuss' birthday. Hubby took me to Target last night so we could buy the rest of the stuff off of our registry. Nothing cheers me up like buying baby things! Doing that before bed and getting a good morning blood reading even before I've started meds put me in a better, less devastated mood. I very nearly ate a cupcake today in honor of Dr. Seuss' birthday.

Until I remembered. Eating that cupcake could cause my babies to have blood sugar issues after birth. Eating that cupcake could cause my babies to be in the NICU because their lungs couldn't develop. Eating one chocolate cupcake with sprinkles could do irreparable damage.

I didn't eat it. I took my blood sugar just like I'm supposed to even though it is seriously costly and I've never received a bad result. I dropped off my prescription at Walmart and will start taking those meds tonight. I am so paranoid that I will do something wrong now and regret it and blame myself forever.

I really hope that Ever gains weight this week. She's probably just like mama and not really into our new low carb diet! :)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I Guess I'm Not a Doctor After All

I had a sucky doctor's appointment this morning. It was at the specialist, who I tend to take more seriously than my OB. They told me that I have to take the measurements and they are putting me on meds. I told them I will not and they can't make me, since I am so mature. I told them I can't afford the weekly cost of the test strips if I have to test 4 times a day. That really isn't true, I just don't want to spend $50 a week on them.

But then they threw it out there, the term no one wants to hear:


Yes, you heard correctly. Not monitoring my blood sugar levels could make one or both of my babies die. Obviously I cried. Not a super hardcore cry, only one tissue worth. What could even happen, which is much less serious, is that they could have blood sugar issues and it will make them sick. I don't want to make them feel sick in their first days of life.

Then we did the weekly ultrasound/BPP. Although they have stayed the same weight at weight checks for the whole pregnancy, in the last few weeks they have started being different. Baby B is now 11% smaller than Baby A. She also isn't kicking enough.

The nurse took me in her office to have a meeting regarding GD and she gave me lots of good information. She looked at my chart and gave me a funny look. She then told me that I didn't really fail the 3 hour glucose test, which I already knew. Just the first hour was a little over. So she told me that she would deny it if I ever told anyone, but taking my fasting blood sugar level would suffice and maybe once or twice after some meals. Then she told me about kick counts and how I need to start monitoring that. I know Baby A is a crazy mover so I'm not worried about him, and Baby B moves, but I would be sure unless I have had sugar that she doesn't move the ten times in two hours she is supposed to.

I left the appointment with a smile on my face. By the time I got to the car, I was crying my eyes out. I had mascara all over my face. I drove to the grocery to get a healthy salad for lunch. I didn't have anything to wipe my face off with but a dirty sock, so I did it. I missed a huge streak of black and didn't discover it until nearly 45 minutes later. Not one person who I spoke to told me this. Don't you hate that?

I just want my babies to be okay . . . . .

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Little Miss Bitchy Pants

I'm starting to get really irritated easily on a regular basis. Part of this I know is hormones. Part of it is the lack of sleep. And part of it is that truly, this shit is just annoying.

Because I am happily pregnant with twins, I am considered high risk. I get it. *BUT* I feel like my doctors are constantly trying to scare me or find something wrong, when really, there isn't anything wrong. I know that's weird to say coming from me, the paranoid queen, but after the butt load of doctor's appointments and ultrasounds, I feel like everything is just fine. I know anything could happen and I appreciate everyone being proactive, but for God's sake, I wish everyone would just chill out.

The gestational diabetes business has pushed me into grouchy, bitchy, zero tolerance land with medical professionals. Up until this point, I have been so scared and worried about everything that I hang on their every word. At this point, I feel like they are drama queens. I failed the 1 hour glucose test by ONE point. One. I failed the 3 hour glucose test by a few points in the first hour and none the other two hours. Now I am forced to buy expensive ass equipment and poke myself in the fingers 4 times a day. For one measley little point. It's bull shit I tell you!

Well, for the last three days I have been taking my measurements at home and lo and behold, THEY ARE NOT HIGH AT ALL!!! They are in normal, every person range. Just to test it out, I ate a whopping piece of cake with my dinner that had an inch of frosting on it and a cream filling. I also ate white bread with my chicken for dinner. STILL my results were in normal, every person range.

Let me give you a list of all the things that are going right: babies are measuring perfectly in line with a singleton baby, babies are gaining appropriate amount of weight, I am at an "amazing" (quote per the doctor) weight for twins, I am 30 weeks pregnant with twins and still working full time as well as being mobile. My monkeys are on the move all the time and I love my belly and being pregnant has finally become enjoyable and the damn doctors are trying to make me crazy! WTF?

So I put in a little call saying that I have been unable to draw blood (due to freezing cold hands and the fact that I WORK) and I really think this is unnecessary. I got a big fat guilt trip from the nurse saying that I should do it for my babies. Puh-lease!! My babies are beautiful and perfect and my blood tests are NORMAL! That is just plain evil if you ask me to pull that one out of the hat. She also told me she knows it hurts, but it is for their safety. Bitch, I had needles in my stomach, arms and ass for months, pricking my finger does not hurt!! I just want to enjoy myself and my babies. She also said I should feel sorry for people who have to do it all the time, not just pregnant and hope that I don't get it in the future. Thanks for that. Perhaps that's why, when not pregnant, I work out everyday, take supplements, and eat right. Duh!

I'm sure there is a nasty note about my charming personality in my file, but I will enjoy the remainder of my ONE and ONLY pregnancy EVER up until I have an actual, based in reality, not fear, health issue.