Sunday, August 28, 2011
When we had no kiddos in the house a few weekends ago, hubby asked if I would go to a concert with him. I said hell no. I hate concerts. I love music. I hate lots of people, strangers in fact, being near me, touching me, yelling, icky. No thank you.
Since becoming a mom, I have had many unsettling experiences that seem to stem mostly from the fact that I have children. It's other women, making a beeline toward me, to discuss motherhood. I would feel more comfortable with a man in a mask with a knife and duct tape coming toward me because I'm trained in self defense. I am not trained in the small talk of motherhood. I am not trained in the art of being truly interested in other people's parenting tactics or childhood milestones. When I need help from other moms, I ask. Not ever one time in my life, have I felt compelled to walk up to a stranger and discuss parenting with them.
Once while shopping in Kohl's hubby and I were carrying the babies in a Baby Bjorn each. Shit like that is bad because "baby wearers" see that and come up and start assuming. That is another source of discomfort, assumptions of parenting tactics. "You are baby wearers too? You all look so comfortable. How wonderful that your husband participates" No, I'm not a "baby wearer," I am wearing my baby, there is a difference. I have not obsessively attached myself to a parenting style so that I can assure myself that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Twin strollers don't fit in aisles so it's easier and I'd end up having to carry them anyway so I might as well just attach them to my body. Duh.
I do not say these things because even though I am uncomfortable, I know these people mean well. I know that as human beings we feel compelled to have connections with others and be validated in our lifestyles, I just happen to be abnormal. After a few moments of silence because I am thinking all these sarcastic things, I say something that I know will be satisfying to that person. Then I rely on easy questions that won't irritate me when answered, like how old, name, etc.
I enjoy mom friends when they have been selected carefully. My family makes fun of me for having blog friends (and I have even met a few in real life!) but those have been carefully selected as well so I know what I'm getting into. But random people at the grocery store, mall, etc. just freak me out.
I will just pray my children learn their social skills from daycare.**
**We chose to stay with daycare. The sickness is driving me up a wall, but we weren't very realistic with our schedules. The normal nanny hours would have been 9:30-4:30 which are pretty great hours. But hubby travels out of town for work frequently which would bump that time up to 6:00 p.m. for a week, costing extra $$. I have a meeting early once a month so that would cost extra $$. I have to go in when people don't show up which happens about once every other week so I need flexibility. Hubby is in class two nights a week so that would add hours. So really, we would be driving someone bonkers with our crazy schedules and spending lots of extra $$$$.
Friday, August 26, 2011
He isn't a super hotty or anything, but I LOOOOOVE him. The number one most important thing in life, more than money or great abs, is a good sense of humor. I love you Jason Bateman.
Deadly sexy. I won't say anything else because it will be offensive.
I can't explain this. I have never found him attractive. But then out of the blue a few years back I started dreaming about him out of the blue. Special dreams, if you know what I mean, and now I can't get him off my mind!
The True Blood Cast
All of them. I know I'd have to go to New York to marry a few of these, but I would take them all. Watching that show can really be a problem in my house. A good problem.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
After the dog squeezed out of the tiny opening I allowed due to the spider I shut the door. I banged on it hoping the spider would crawl away so I could destroy the web and it would leave forever. Instead, the little shit just waved it's creepy arms at me, basically telling me it was going to crawl on me and kill me if I touched it.
I looked in our locked cabinet to see what I could find. There are lots of earth friendly cleaners so I didn't think they would do much in my spider death quest but then I found some ant spray.
I opened the door just a smidge again to spray that little shit. The ant spray didn't come out into a direct stream, it was misting and getting everywhere. While I was thinking about what kind of a terrorist would make death mist I should have realized this was probably to be used on hard surfaces. Then I inhaled some of it and looked down and saw that the Nut was right under my feet.
I panicked! I couldn't believe I was spraying poison on my little sweet pea nugget. I slammed the door shut and looked down at her and she started screaming. I thought "oh no, my baby has ant poison in her eyes!!!"
That was not the problem. I had shut her fingers into the sliding glass door!!!!!
I panicked again and opened the door and picked her up and looked at her fingers. They weren't broken so we got an ice pack from the fridge. She screamed and screamed. I felt horrible! I gave her lots and lots of kisses.
It turns out that she was just fine. She got back in a good mood and we went to check on Osh. But she did go to daycare with the light scent of Eau de Ant Spray in her hair.
On Mondays and Wednesdays I am on my own all day with the kids due to hubby being in school. I got Osh undressed and was working on Ever because she had dump in her pants. He ran into the kitchen, took an unnaturally large pee on the floor and then slipped and fell running through it. Nice.
It's a miracle anyone lives in my house!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Last night we were at the park with the babies (when will I learn to say toddlers? never?) and I asked him "remember awhile ago when we would something something (I don't remember what we were talking about)" and he said "remember a long time ago when you used to like me?"
I know he was just making a joke, but it made me so sad to hear him say that. Because he is a man, I just figured he didn't notice that. I love him but for awhile now I just really don't like him that much. I've been too mad at him. I want to go back to that place where I get tingly when he would hold my hand. When I slept good just because he was around. When my girlfriends would all be bitching about their boyfriends I just felt sorry for them, because hubby was mine and not theirs.
The last few weeks I have felt really calm. I have been busy, but I don't feel like life is steam rolling me like I felt the few months prior. I want this to carry on to my relationship. I'm trying to appreciate the small things. There are moments that I remember that are the place I want to be more often. One was when I was working in upstate New York. I was kayaking in a small lake. It was quiet, the water was shiny, the sun was out. I was laying across the kayak with my feet in the water and I thought to myself "life is so good." I think that a lot with my babies, especially at night when we are snuggling and they look at me with their funny smiles and rub my face. I want to take the time to remember that more often, yet I keep forgetting to do it. Right now I figured out finances, my job, my role as mommy, but I just can't get the relationship thing straight.
I know we can't have it all, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it anyway. I just need to figure out how to get there . . . . .
We had to cheese out with the elk antlers and the elk jerky stop on the side of the road (I know, elk jerky stops in the middle of nowhere don't sound like a smooth move)!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
He was miserable. Lethargic, sad, couldn't sleep well, chest x-rays (which he HATED), tons of trips to the pedi and 4 round of antibiotics in two months.
I was miserable. My boy just cried and cried all the time and I felt like a bad mom. I also felt like a crap employee because I rarely worked a full week at work in two months.
Hubby was miserable because I was so angry that my boy was sick.
Ever was miserable because he woke up a lot in the night so we were all up when we should be sleeping.
I KNEW my boy has asthma. KNEW it. Every virus the babies picked up Ever got rid of in 3 days and Ocean had for at least a week and settled in his chest. I have asthma. My grandma has asthma. My cousins have asthma.
I ignored my mommy instincts when the pedi's said he was just getting viruses at the daycare. Finally I put my foot down and went to an Allergy, Asthma and Immunology Specialist.
Osh has asthma and reflux, which aggravates the asthma. I felt bad that I waited so long. I also remembered all the breastfeeding stats about repiratory issues and wondered if I screwed up by only breastfeeding for 6 weeks. The specialist said that is nonsense, asthma is hereditary and no food on earth could prevent it. He said every fourth person in my family will have asthma and looking through the line that is pretty true. He and his nurse assured me I am a great mom, especially for going with my gut and bringing him in. Obviously this put the specialist at the top of my good list.
He takes Qvar in an inhaler twice a day and a reflux med in the morning. The specialist said not to take antibiotics anymore and we have a four step plan that includes other inhalers and breathing treatments and over the counter meds.
My son has been sleeping like an angel. He has been so healthy! He is the happiest boy. I love seeing him like this. I also truly enjoy at least 7 straight hours of sleep a night. Really, that's a pretty sweet side effect.
Moral of the story: Trust your instincts. I should have done this a long time ago and our life has changed quite a bit for the better in the last two weeks.
Sorry for the lack of posts this week. The rest and relaxation gods thought I got too spoiled on vaca last week so they decided to make my work life a disaster this week and I was working 11 hours days some days! Suck balls! The good news is that those full nights of sleep made them much more manageable.
Family pics from our fab vaca
We all had wild hair because the place we stayed at was a huge lodge in the middle of nowhere and the water was chlorinated, so it was liking washing your hair in pool water. I should have taken more pics of the babies heads because they looked like fuzzy little chicks every morning.
On the photo front to answer some questions: I have a Canon Rebel XT1i. It is pretty common, you can even buy the newer version (XT3i) at Walmart for around $600.00. It took me awhile to learn to use it correctly. The main thing is lighting and figuring out what time of day, where in the house/outside, etc the light is best. I read the manual to my camera. I also bought an instructional book/DVD combo by Scott Kelby. I also took a two hour class on how to use this type of camera properly. I bought an additional lens that I use most often for the pics you see on here and it is an EF 50mm 1.8. I have Photoshop LightRoom, but 99% of the pics you see on the blog are not edited at all, just straight from the camera! The other thing, when I know someone who is awesome at photography, I always annoy them with lots of questions. :)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Anywho . . . .
We are back from vaca. I noticed that I'm always feeling like a need a vacation but I take vacations pretty frequently. Is that wrong?
The munchkins were SO happy to see me. Even though I felt bad that they were so desperate for me when they saw me, I kind of liked it. Last time we were gone a long time they were just like, weird, do I know you? when they saw us but this time they definitely knew that we were gone and we are their parents and they were thrilled we were back. This didn't allow much room for us to pawn them off on family because they wanted to be with us all the time, but it was really sweet to see them so in love with us.
Ever is growing a lot of hair and I like it. She is a huge flirt and even though I laugh now I don't think I will be laughing in the future.
Ocean is having some tantrum issues and to be honest, it's pretty annoying. I have realized that I am the parent that I have always thought sucks. I know I need to lay the smack down, but whenever I lay the smack down and he starts crying and looking up at me with those huge gorgeous brown peepers I cave in. Ugh . . . .
Sleeping in one bed as family of four is a bad idea. Especially when you have a little violent nugget that will kick her brother's ass in the middle of the night just because he is close to her. And then your heart breaks a little when the sweet boy wakes up in the morning and gives his sissy a pat on the face and smiles at her even though she opened a can of whoop ass on him in the middle of the night and made him cry (she literlly kicked and hit him for touching her).
Ever has a new habit of playing with my arm fat. It makes me uncomfortable at all times, but in public it is especially bad. I don't know what is so amusing about my arm fat, but I really wish she wouldn't draw attention to it. It has to be gross to others. I have never heard anyone say "wow, look how cute that is! That baby is having such a fun time playing with her mommy's fat like play dough. Adorbs!" No. It's gross.
The babies love having screaming contests. Again, so funny, but not funny. I know they are like bebe's kids in public and not everyone finds twin screaming competitions as adorable as their mommy does and I need to make it stop. BUT, the joy on their faces is priceless. They are so stinking cute.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
It was SO bizarre being around the house with no kids. BIZARRE.
A list of things I have done just since Friday:
- I've seen 3 movies. The Change-Up (all I mostly thought about during that one is how much cuter my boy/girl twins are), Horrible Bosses (hilarious!! super raunchy though) and Crazy Stupid Love (so good). Three movies in two days.
- I went on a 5 mile fun with a friend.
- I did my Jillian Michael's dvd.
- I woke up early and did cardio before work.
- I went to a friend's house and watched four episodes of the new season of True Blood, the best show ever.
- I packed.
- I laid out.
- I worked on a Facebook page for my photography.
- I applied to grad school.
- I went to a birthday party.
- We went on a double date to the Melting Pot to enjoy chocolate and cocktails.
- I researched getting new boobs.
- I slept A LOT. At least 8 full hours a night.
- I finished reading the second "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" book.
- I worked.
- I certainly did not clean one goddam thing in this house.
Normally I do a 10th of that plus take care of babies and I felt pretty bored. Truly, it was boring at times. Sleeping and working out were pretty awesome though. Babies are better.
Sunday night was spent on the couch with Hubby griping about how much we miss the munchkins and how dumb we were to let them go on vacation before us. I cannot wait to see them and love them and kiss them. We have a flight and then a drive and I know it will be so long in my mind to get to them and I'm sure I will have a meltdown at some point as I always do when things are taking too long. Then it is baby time, for five straight days. Boo yah.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
People always tell me that it's okay that I'm overwhelmed and blah, blah, blah, you have baby twins and you work full time, etc. I have mostly felt that this is lip service to make me feel better and also make me shut up so we can talk about something else. Twins are really common now. Lots of people have them and they make it work. Sure, twin parents have a higher divorce rate and twins are more likely to bring with them some different issues, but really, what is the difference? It's just another baby, right?
I admit that this is tougher than I ever thought it would be. It's also way more awesome than I thought it would be, so I try to sweep the feelings of exhaustion under the rug.
The other morning hubby and Ocean were sleeping, so it was just the Nut and I. We ate breakfast together. We took a shower together (she sat on the ledge and pretended to shave her legs, it was super adorable). She sat in the sink and watched me do my makeup. Yeah, I actually put on make up. We put our things in the car and went to the grocery store. She trailed me walking for awhile and got lots of compliments. I came home and we packed our picnic. It was so nice, and it was so easy.
In a regular day where I had to go to work and I had both of them what took me two easy hours to do would normally take 10 hours of craziness. I then realized that I am not being paid lip service, this is hard.
I don't take it back of course. I cannot imagine any kind of universe without Ocean and Ever, but those two hours showed me that I'm not the lazy, chubby, unmotivated loser that I think I am. It's okay if things take me a long time and they aren't perfect because fitting in a work day+2 babies isn't as easy as I thought it would be (that sounds kind of dumb now that I'm reading that, why did I think that would be so easy?). My house isn't clean, my ass isn't firm, my babies don't know sign language, my cooking to eating out ratio isn't phenomenal but IT'S OKAY. The trade off is that I have the two most gorgeous monkey's EVER. I'm not kidding about this. They are so much fun.
I feel so much guilt about working out when the babies are up because I have been gone from them for nearly nine hours, out of necessity for our livelihood, so I don't work out until they are asleep. That's 9:00 p.m. Who the hell wants to work out at 9 at night? It's normal to not want to do that. Not lazy, normal. I must stop comparing myself to my friends who are so in shape and their houses are so much cleaner because 9 times out of 10, if they're working they have a house cleaner or whatever or they are not working and get 9 extra hours 5 days a week (please don't take this as a SAHM vs. Work thing, it's just math, honestly, I know being a mom is a 24 hour gig for all of us!). I need to just worry about myself and what makes me feel whole, not what others are doing and how skinny they are and how in the hell did they afford that vacation/house/car or the ability to stay home. That is what they can do, I need to be my own standard, not others.
Two measly little hours have opened my eyes quite a bit. I need to quit making myself feel bad. Of course everyone has their opionions, but I don't really care about those. I am the one making ME feel bad. No one else is doing it. So I need to stop that. Easier said than done, but I think I can do it.
I ran 5 miles this morning guilt free (I use the term running loosely, it was a lot of walking). The night before last I planned to work out but was too tired and I was okay with it. Baby steps. My babies are so amazing right now, they are funny and they explore and are well adjusted and growing like weeds so I can't suck at parenting obviously. I got some really positive praise at work so I haven't totally effed that up either. Why have all these nice things happened in a few days, good luck? I actually think it might be due to the attitude change. Weird.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
First we stopped at a Children's Discovery Center and we had a fabulous time there! It was air conditioned and it is hotter than hell out right now so that was the first good thing. It wasn't too big, it was just right and had lots of stuff for the nuggets to get into and spread their germs all over. Sorry other parents.
1. Ever laughed as she dumped things out all over the floor that were actually supposed to not be on the floor. In her defense, other kids were doing it. And she looks totally adorbs doing naughty things.
2. Both babies found doggy's, their fave, at the vet station.
3. Ever found something to wear around other than my underwear.
4. They got to paint on a wall. They thought this was amazing. It was so adorable, but then they painted their heads and their shirts. People laughed as we tried to clean them up.
After that we went on our first picnic in the park of all time! The park had tiny picnic tables, just right for Ocean and Ever.
1. Hubby didn't fit in the picnic table so he had to sit on the cooler.
2. There was a little train that runs all through the park. The park was super sweet and old school. The train ride cost $1.25 a person! Can you believe that? So cheap. We rode past a fishing pond, a 103 year old carousel, a rose garden, a huge teeter totter with a whole family on it squealing with delight, and through a dark tunnel. The babes were in awe.
Then we decided to visit the zoo. It was the world's tiniest zoo. Ocean was so in love with the orangutangs (I don't know if this is proper spelling, it's a weird ass word if you ask me) his face was smooshed against the glass and he was chirping his happy squeal. According to Ever, we saw lots of doggy's.
It was nice being together.