Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Going Back

Remember way back a long time ago in that first dating honeymoon phase? I remember the beginning of my relationship, almost 8 years ago. I always dressed nice and started getting ready hours before our dates. I looked up fancy recipes on the internet and in cookbooks to cook for hubby so he would be impressed. We had so much to talk about. We snuggled and held hands and could never be away from each other. We left notes on each other's windshield while at work. We had all these big dreams of places we would go and things we would do.

Last night we were at the park with the babies (when will I learn to say toddlers? never?) and I asked him "remember awhile ago when we would something something (I don't remember what we were talking about)" and he said "remember a long time ago when you used to like me?"

I know he was just making a joke, but it made me so sad to hear him say that. Because he is a man, I just figured he didn't notice that. I love him but for awhile now I just really don't like him that much. I've been too mad at him. I want to go back to that place where I get tingly when he would hold my hand. When I slept good just because he was around. When my girlfriends would all be bitching about their boyfriends I just felt sorry for them, because hubby was mine and not theirs.

The last few weeks I have felt really calm. I have been busy, but I don't feel like life is steam rolling me like I felt the few months prior. I want this to carry on to my relationship. I'm trying to appreciate the small things. There are moments that I remember that are the place I want to be more often. One was when I was working in upstate New York. I was kayaking in a small lake. It was quiet, the water was shiny, the sun was out. I was laying across the kayak with my feet in the water and I thought to myself "life is so good." I think that a lot with my babies, especially at night when we are snuggling and they look at me with their funny smiles and rub my face. I want to take the time to remember that more often, yet I keep forgetting to do it. Right now I figured out finances, my job, my role as mommy, but I just can't get the relationship thing straight.

I know we can't have it all, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it anyway. I just need to figure out how to get there . . . . .

We had to cheese out with the elk antlers and the elk jerky stop on the side of the road (I know, elk jerky stops in the middle of nowhere don't sound like a smooth move)!





  1. Man, I know what you mean. I wish I had some advice for you. The other night I had a dream that I filed for a divorce. If you figure it out, let me know how you did it.

    Half the time I call my kids "the babies" and the other half I call them "the kids". Toddlers just sounds weird to me.

  2. I totally know what you mean. I thought about this yesterday when hubs met me for an inpromtu lunch date and we sat there and had nothing to talk about. It's weird and unsettling.

  3. I'm sorry, and I hope you're able to figure it out soon.

  4. One of my very close, very wise friends told me that after a baby, you learn to love each other differently. No bad or good different, just different. I can't even fathom what that means right now, but maybe that's what you two are going through.

    I imagine that this, too, will be creeping up on me and hubs soon. I am right with you, though. I want things to stay how they used to be; happy and blissful and all that crap. Maybe it's just about redefining what happy and blissful mean now.

  5. You know how they say "fake it 'til you make it"? I have really been trying to put this into action in my relationship and I have to tell you, it's helped so much. It started with my goal being to just say something nice or sweet, complimentary even to my husband every day - even if I wasn't really feeling it. It was amazing the immediate effect this simple thing had. He appreciated me expressing something nice and in turn did the same to me and before you know it we really were appreciating each other again.

    Now, we still have our bad days and it is still a work in progress, but maybe something you could give a try. I hope it gets better soon.

  6. Kelly's advice is right on the money. I was going to say the same sort of thing but she said it perfectly. I forget for a while, then I remember and start putting it into practice again. Things always get better when I remember to tell Troy I love him or even just say thank you.


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