Last night we were at the park with the babies (when will I learn to say toddlers? never?) and I asked him "remember awhile ago when we would something something (I don't remember what we were talking about)" and he said "remember a long time ago when you used to like me?"
I know he was just making a joke, but it made me so sad to hear him say that. Because he is a man, I just figured he didn't notice that. I love him but for awhile now I just really don't like him that much. I've been too mad at him. I want to go back to that place where I get tingly when he would hold my hand. When I slept good just because he was around. When my girlfriends would all be bitching about their boyfriends I just felt sorry for them, because hubby was mine and not theirs.
The last few weeks I have felt really calm. I have been busy, but I don't feel like life is steam rolling me like I felt the few months prior. I want this to carry on to my relationship. I'm trying to appreciate the small things. There are moments that I remember that are the place I want to be more often. One was when I was working in upstate New York. I was kayaking in a small lake. It was quiet, the water was shiny, the sun was out. I was laying across the kayak with my feet in the water and I thought to myself "life is so good." I think that a lot with my babies, especially at night when we are snuggling and they look at me with their funny smiles and rub my face. I want to take the time to remember that more often, yet I keep forgetting to do it. Right now I figured out finances, my job, my role as mommy, but I just can't get the relationship thing straight.
I know we can't have it all, but it doesn't stop me from wanting it anyway. I just need to figure out how to get there . . . . .
We had to cheese out with the elk antlers and the elk jerky stop on the side of the road (I know, elk jerky stops in the middle of nowhere don't sound like a smooth move)!