Monday, October 24, 2011

Dumb Stuff From Pinterest

Although I am a true lover of Pinterest, I do see many a pin that make me roll my eyes.

This is obviously not true because if it were true, all of us would be skinny. When you finally fit into your skinny jeans to go out with your girlfriends and there is a big fat piece of cheesecake smothered in chocolate you eat that shit. Why? Because you know it is going to taste damn good! I know I could be skinny if I tried, but I ate a cake pop for breakfast and it was delicious. I've been skinny. It didn't feel as good as a cheeseburger. Dumb.

So you're telling me that the crush I have had on Jon Hamm for all these months is real, true love? Yippee!! I knew we were destined to be together. Dumb. This nonsensical business is for confused teenagers and what would a confused teenager be doing on Pinterest? There are way to many quotes on there that scream "I am Debbie Desperate and I can't get over my ex-boyfriend of the cat fight I just had on facebook!"

This is very poor advertising. Like a typical American, I am a visual person and respond to things that are appealing to the eyes. Let's say this pin was about the same thing, but had a hot chick sitting in a lounge chair getting a massage from a ripped topless man while her children sat in a well behaved manner smiling next to her and that is what I could get out of cleaning for 15-20 minutes a day I would definitely do it. But this? Uh, not appealing. Dumb.

Do I even need to say anything? What the hell?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Seriously Thursday

1. This morning Ever and I were playing round and round on the hardwoods in the kitchen. My glasses fell off so I tried to catch them quick before they hit her in the face. While trying to catch them, I let go of my child who then hit the back of her head on the hardwood floor. Seriously, wtf? She would have been hit in the head with a pair of glasses that weigh all of an ounce and instead her whole body hit the hardwoods. DUMB!

2. I am seriously in love with Friday Night Lights. I think I like that show so much because it is so real. Not everyone in America lives in a shiny white suburb with granite counter tops and a brand new gigantic SUV. In fact most people don't, it's really nice to see that in action on TV.

3. Seriously . . . my house is disgusting. I just can't clean it! It will be clean by Saturday, it will be clean by Saturday, it will be clean by Saturday . . . that's what I keep telling myself! Except it would be more effective to actually start cleaning instead of just talking about it though.

4. This seriously made me cry . . . .

My stomach looks exactly like this (except for the belly ring, I am so not into body piercings, not even ears)! I think this person has a great attitude and I'm going to try and adopt it. The quote says "A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn.One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes, and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me. It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it's ugly. That's OK. It was your home.It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it." Gorgeous, right?

5. I seriously used hubby's face shaver to shave my pubes. This has been the #1 rule from hubby, NEVER use his face shaver on my pubes. But I have this disease where when someone tells me not to do something I get the overwhelming urge to do it. In my defense, it has been nearly eight years since this rule was instated and I just now did it! I wasn't going to tell him until I heard him turn it on the other morning for his once a week beard trim and I was like "umm, honey, I need to tell you something . . . ."

6. Seriously . . . if one more person tries to aggravate me about the whole dairy thing I am going to freak out. My children drink soy milk because 1. They like it and 2. Milk is made for baby cows. That is the point of it. My children are people, not cows, so I don't really want them to have it. I let them try it, they do NOT like it. There is just as much nutrition in the soy milk. Then when a doctor tells me to make sure they are going to get 3 servings of other dairy, I'm like WHAT? That still comes from milk ding dong. I do let them have one cheese and one yogurt at home because they like it and it doesn't bother me as much as them guzzling 30 ounces of straight milk a day. Sheesh. It's not a big deal people.

7. I am so seriously exhausted. I don't know what the problem is but I am drained. My children have gone on sleep strike this week. It is wearing me out . . . . .

8. My babies, my little bitty boo bears are EIGHTEEN MONTHS old on Saturday. Seriously!?!? How did that happen? Tear. We went to the doc yesterday and here are there stats:

Osh: 24 lbs 13 oz (35th percentile) and 33.25 inches (80th percentile). He also has a big ass head which I already knew because he screams every morning when I put his shirts on.
Ever: 22 lbs 2 oz (19th percentile) and 31.5 inches (47th percentile). She has a peanut head.

The twins are obsessed with slides right now . . .



Sunday, October 16, 2011

The Terrible Almost Two's

Let me run a few things by you:

1. Ever was getting a lecture two out of five drop offs at daycare before I could even leave for work. Once she told a kid "no" as he was coming in for a hug but he did it anyway and she wasn't into it so she hit him. Of course I don't want to be that parent that thinks it's cool their kid "defends" themselves, but seriously, she told him no, right? Anyway, the other time she slowly took each toy this kid had away and by the time he figured it out she looked at him and said "mine." It's weird because she is the second to youngest kid in her class, but the other kids seem SO much younger than her so it doesn't seem right watching them interact together.

2. On two occasions the daycare mentioned Ever's tantrums last week.

3. We now have two windows, an oven and an ottoman decorated with crayon. Mmm hmm.

4. On one night only, Ocean had two tantrums at McDonald's, came home and climbed a chair and dumped soy sauce into my water cup, purposefully sat on Ever until she screamed, and then peed in the hallway.

5. Yesterday the twins completely destroyed the toy room in less than thiry minutes. You actually wouldn't be able to tell if we had hardwoods or carpet in that room.

6. I hear a blood curdling scream while driving and Ocean has Ever's blanket on his lap and he is grinning from ear to ear.

7. I find them both laughing as Ocean is gently brushing Ever's hair with the toilet brush.

8. Ocean screams as Ever reaches across to his high chair and takes all of his food and throws it on the floor.

9. Ever takes too long on the slide, so Ocean feels the need to put his foot on her back and gently kick her down.

10. Ever does not hesitate to whack Ocean, or anyone else, a good one for doing stuff she doesn't want them to do.

We have arrived. The terrible twos decided to visit 6 months early.

On Wednesday night of this last week I about ripped my hair out. I was sitting at the computer when hubby got home from a late night of school and he asked me if I'd like to help him tidy up the house. I screamed at him "NO! I'M RESTING!!" It was that kind of night.

On the other hand, I must admit a lot of this stuff is pretty funny. I am trying so hard not to laugh and I don't really know what to do about it. They are pretty young for any decent kind of discipline. Basically, the #1 most popular word in this house is "no." If anyone has any other ideas, I'd be glad to hear them. Until then I will just continue to try not to laugh (or scream), and hope I don't raise a couple of degenerates.



Thursday, October 13, 2011

Seriously Thursday

Seriously . . . it's only Thursday. It should be Friday. Or even Sunday because that is how far I feel I should be in this week.

Seriously . . . I must be getting really old because I find kids today to be terrible, like one of those old people that say "kids today blankity blankity blank. Back in my day they would never do that." They just get worse and worse! What is wrong these days, huh? Or am I just getting senile?

Seriously . . . the next person who tells me about their suprise pregnancy is getting a mail bomb (just kidding FBI, I don't know how to make those).

Seriously . . . Netflix is killing me. First I got addicted to Mad Men and was totally obsessed. Now I cannot get enough of Friday Night Lights. That show is so awesome! Love it.

Seriously . . . I had smores on a campfire the other night and it was like a little slice of heaven. I like my marshmellows burnt to a crisp. Yummo.

Seriously . . . I"m thinking of starting a Pinterest craft club. How dorky is that on a scale of 1 to 10? Once a week, or every other week, no kids, Pinterest (my favorite thing in the world), making stuff, and probably a touch of alcohol.

Seriously . . . I am considering a second run to the pumpkin patch because we took the monkeys and they had an amazing time just as long as it had nothing to do with pumpkins so I didn't get any pumpkin pictures! It's a tragedy I tell you. But how can pumpkins compete with goats, jump jumps, slides, train rides and dirt digging? They can't.

I seriously stuck my debit card in an ATM machine and left if there almost two weeks ago and STILL haven't received my new card. I hate writing checks. They take forever to clear the account, it's boring, and I want my card back, TODAY!!

My wild man digging in the dirt!


$8 per package organic noodles so delicately placed on Ever's head instead of in her mouth!


Sunday, October 9, 2011


An Amber Alert came on this week saying a child is missing in our area. 9 times out of 10, it's a custody thing. Now it's a major news story and it scared the holy hell out of me.

Not this time friends. The little girl was taken through her bedroom window in the night and there are no clues as to her whereabouts. You probably saw her on the news, Lisa Irwin and she was taken less than 30 miles from my house!

Like every nutbag mom out there, I randomly get up and check on my kiddos. I know it's crazy, but I just like to see them sleeping and also to know they are still breathing. The fact that they are in their cribs is just a given to me, I don't worry that they are missing, just that something randomly might have made them sick or stop breathing or something. So to walk into Ocean and Ever's room and them be gone is just not something I can even think about.

I told hubby that I would like for him to install some barbed wire around the babies' bedroom window. I received a blank and concerned stare as an answer.

Me: Honey, I am 100% serious about this. I'm not kidding.

Hubby: Um, dear, we have an alarm system. Can't we just use that?

Me: No, that just makes noise. Will the alarm system stab someone in the knee cap or scrape their hands off if they try to steal our babies? No it won't. I want physical pain for the person who thinks they are going to take my little monkeys out of their window.

Hubby: Ok.

Then he stared at me some more like a crazy person. I think it's a great idea. If he won't do it, certainly someone wouldn't charge me too much for that, right?

This morning we were all herding outside (the monkeys and me) to get into the car and head to daycare/work. An old lady was walking her dog past my front yard. The twins stopped to stare. Ever spit at them because she has behavior issues, but that's for another post. Then she started asking about if they are twins, how old are they, oh they are so beautiful, etc. I smiled and then she walked away and the light bulb came on. Kidnapper!! I just gave information about my kids in front of my home and she knows the two cutest 17 month olds in the whole wide world live in this very house! I'm screwed! Any smart kidnapper would try to kidnap these two, I mean really. They are adorable times a million.

So then I thought maybe we should get a gun, but then I remembered we are anti-guns and the likelihood that your spouse will kill you with it one day or your child will find and maim or kill themselves with it are statistically way higher than the likelihood we would shoot and kill a home invader. I'm thinking a high powered tazer is the best choice? That way if by some horrible incident when the kids are older and they find it and shoot themselves they will still live but we could definitely stop someone in their tracks if we needed to. Right?

Anyway, this whole thing is so sad and terrible for this family and it has made me totally insane, as you can clearly see.


What Ever does with crayons . . .


This is hubby's physics homework by the way, oops!

What Osh does with crayons . . . . .


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I'm Pleasantly Plump

I'll admit it.

Let's see here . . . after the babies were born I was sick as a dog and didn't want to eat much plus pumping my breastmilks like a maniac which allowed me to lose oodles of weight. It was quite exhilirating in fact. As time neared me going to work I used my elliptical machine semi-regularly.

It all went down the tubes when I returned to work. No more pumping for one thing, which is a calorie burning frenzy. I quit working out as much because I felt guilty for taking time away from the babies after I was gone all day to work out but I was (and still am most days) beyond exhausted from getting babies up and snuggled and on to school and then working all day and then trying to make up for lost time plus doing things I enjoy. I did not want to work out at 9:00 at night, especially when a full night of sleep is STILL (at 17 months old) not guaranteed and I had to get up in the morning and do it all again. Being at work also allowed me time to actually eat food.

I went from being under my first preggo appointment weight quickly to now, on this very day, weighing the same as I weighed when I was FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT WITH TWINS!!! That sucks.

This morning I woke up and thought "good grief, what is the heavy thing on me?" and took a look and it was just my big meaty legs. They are physically heavy and dangly and lumpy. I used to have fabulous legs and get compliments on them all the time. It was quite depressing.

Here are the reasons for my chubbiness:

1. I'm tired. I just want to relax after working all day! I want to lay on the carpet while Ever puts blankets on me and tells me "nigh nigh." I want to throw the ball with Ocean. I want to take them for a wagon ride. I want to take 8 million pictures of them doing whatever they are doing because I think everything they do is cute. I want to watch Netflix and do Pinterest. Yep. I do not want to run. I do not want to do Jillian Michaels. I do not want to use the elliptical. I only work out on the weekends. Maybe.

2. My stomach is severely deformed and scarred from pregnancy. Even if I turned anorexic it would not change the sick shit that is my gut, which isn't really motivating for me to care about doing ab work.

3. I love to eat. I also like the convenience of food that is quick. I don't always have time to pack snacks and lunch after getting myself, my children and my household ready for the day in a timely manner so I eat what I can grab while out or what is laying around at work, which is mostly carbs. I certainly don't want to cook when I get off of work at 6:00 p.m. and don't get home until 6:30 p.m. and bedtime events start in just an hour and a half. No, I do not.

4. I just make excuses and accept my laziness (see #1-3). There isn't much I could really do on the excersize front, but I could eat meal replacement bars or pre-pack my lunches for the week. I could chop up a quick salad for dinner, but instead throw in a pizza or run through the drive through. My dangler is gross and I have to accept that, but I shouldn't use it as a reason to not care about the rest of my body.

I know I could look better and I want to, I just don't really want to put any effort into it. A friend and I were talking and she said "I would kill to have my high school body back." I told her that I think that saying is so bizarre, that we would actually rather take a human life instead of just diet and excersize like we should. Her reply was that it would only take 10 seconds to kill someone and it takes a lot of time and effort to diet and excersize (that's why she is my friend by the way, because she says really funny stuff like that).

I need an attitude change, but don't know where to find it. I look at pictures of skinny people and try to tell myself I need to look like that. Isn't that the big issue in society, that women are supposed to look like people they see in the magazine? I wish I had that problem, but frankly I don't care what those skinny bitches look like.

The biggest thing that motivates me is to remind myself how much more energized I will feel if I lose some weight and eat right. I just can't find the place to start . . . . .

See-food funnel cake!


Dinosaur face