Sunday, June 24, 2012

Why We Chose Not To Do IVF Again

Before our big surprise happened, we had decided that we would not pursue another IVF treatment. I was going to relay this info by a picture of the For Sale sign in our yard, but that took a lot longer to happen than we thought. As you may recall, we could not afford to do another IVF and put a down payment on a new home.

We were out on a date and Hubby asked me when I was going to call the RE to see when we would start a new IVF. I told him that I wasn't going to call, and if he was okay with it, I was at peace with that decision.

1. Truly, I felt ready to move on. After finding out I also have endometriosis, I just felt like it wasn't worth messing with. We had talked about a new house and have for a long time. I am just ready for that. Hubby bought this house while I was in college. I am ready to have a bigger house that we choose together.

2. After many other treatments, we were seriously lucky to get pregnant with twins on our first cycle. With the FET, I felt the devastation of a failed IVF. IVF is not a joke, it's a long and invasive, very expensive treatment and to go through that for nothing is terrible. It brought a reality to me that just because I wanted another child didnt mean that I could have one and I felt like I should deal with that sooner rather than later after many failed and expensive treatments.

3. I don't feel well physically or mentally while doing IVF. I gain weight and get so filled with anxiety and sadness and despair that it is difficult to function. That takes away my ability to enjoy other things in my lif. Osh and Peanut have made my life so amazing and I didn't want to take away from the time I have with them when I already feel stretched thin trying to balance working full time and being the mom and person I would like to be. Having the frosty was a reminder of our infertility as well as the hopes we had for our future. Once it was gone, after we grieved the loss of that possibility, I felt ready to close the door on infertility treatments.

4. I love my twins dearly and if I could go back in time, I would not change a thing. But for the future, I knew I did not want to carry and have twin newborns again. That would be really, really hard on Hubby and me, but would also be very hard on Oshy and Peanut. We are self pay so we want to do anything that would maximize our chances of success. Transferring two embryos slightly raises the odds of success. I didn't want to be tempted to do something that I felt wasn't right for our family out of desperation for success.

5. Financially, stopping at two children is smart. We wouldn't have to invest in larger vehicles that would add a car payment or two plus consume more gas. We pay $1300 a month in daycare. In three years that amount would be drastically reduced. What could we do with that extra money each month? The kids could do any activities. We could save. We could take an awesome vacation every year.

6. Emotionally, stopping at two children is smart. We wouldn't be outnumbering ourselves and more kids, which would leave to more love, would still obviously lead to less attention and energy.

All of these things together made me feel like not pursuing a fresh IVF cycle was the best choice. I felt really good and content with it. I poured my energy into the twins and bettering myself. The twins part was easy because they are beyond fun right now. Truly, this is an amazing age. I did my vegan cleanse which had amazing effects on my diet and was training for a half marathon. Hubby and I were having so much fun together planning for our future. I was proud we got through another hard time together and came out ready for anything.

I had no idea just two months later we would be expecting. At first I was terrified that something awful would happen and set us back. I, like everyone else, would never want to lose a baby and that would be so hard after all the work I had done to give up on that dream. Now that I've reached the second trimester, I am starting to get more excited and feel like we might really get to have another baby. Just like infertility taught me before, this has taught me that I just can't plan for anything! Life is so crazy, but in an awesome way. I have no idea where life is taking us, but I feel like I have learned through these processes that we'll figure it out.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Random Stuff

1. In less than a week I will be putting my toddlers into the car along with my mother and driving for 13 hours. Yeah, that is probably the worst idea I have ever had . . . . . . . .

2. I am driving to my high school reunion. That should be weird! I have great friends from high school, but to be honest I was looking at the Facebook list of people attending and I don't remember very many them. At all. I am so excited to see my girlfriends and two of them will be meeting the twins for the first time.

3. Ocean is really making me laugh these days. I was watching TV and he asked if he could watch with me. He watched really hard for about one minute, then he told me that "I not watch TV with mommy, mommy TV yucky, I go to Home Depot with Daddy." We were at a restaurant and Hubby asked what I wanted and I said I really wanted some booze. Osh yelled out "I have booze too!" Luckily, I have not yet been arrested for that. He was jumping on the couch and on Hubby and Hubby asked him not to jump on him (we have long since given up on asking them not to jump on the couch). Osh said "Why Daddy, you have a baby in you tummy?" Ha! Hilarious!

4. Pool season always shows me who got the good boob jobs and who got the cheap ones. When the boobs are 6 inches apart and on the side of your chest like fish eyes, you should probably see if you can get a refund.

5. My body is one big infected mess. I had that bacteria, now I have a UTI and one of my kidneys infected. I got a shot of antibiotics and now take 150 mg of antibiotics a day for 10 days. If that doesn't do the job, I will be doing hospital time. I think hospitals are disgusting and I hope that the meds will do the job because I don't want to spend time there. No thank you!

8. I go to bed pretty early these days. With all my infections and everything I am just beat. I have gotten addicted to internet debate boards. I read one and never participate, but damn! There are some crazy people out there. If feeds my drama llama big time. I don't prefer that kind of drama in real life, so I get my jollies reading about other people. Welfare queens, abortions, people who breastfeed until kids really don't need to be breastfeeding anymore. It's really interesting. If you are ever really bored you should look up "Baby Center Debate Team." You're welcome. Don't forget your popcorn.

7. I few weeks ago I was so tired and frustrated with my children. I was on my own because Hubby was in class and I had worked a long day and they were just driving me crazy. I got so upset and totally freaked out. I called Hubby to come home. I felt so terrible about it, the next night when I picked up the kids from daycare we walked to a park and had a picnic together. I just needed to remember that I'm not the worst mother ever and that we have fun together. We had a lovely time and I haven't had a meltdown since. I hate that feeling!




Thursday, June 14, 2012

Baby Three and the Second Trimester

Today Baby Three had a NT scan. I have been nervous for this moment since the first pregnancy test. I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop for the last two months. Even if I made it out of the first trimester, then probably something would be wrong with the baby because why was I so lucky to get this free baby? It doesn't fit with my personal history.

But I have great news! Baby Three is growing, has a healthy heartbeat and doesn't appear to have a high chance of having trisomy 13, 18, or 21. Baby Three looked like a real baby today.

The relief I felt after that was amazing. We may really get to have a third baby and this wasn't an evil joke played by the universe.

I am trying to let Osh man and Peanut know that they will be big siblings soon. They don't give a poo. It's kind of crazy because in my old life where I thought I had control over my fertility I always wanted my munchkins to be three or more years apart. Obviously I got an F- on that with the twins, although they are loads of fun so I can't complain. Baby Three is just a few months shy of 3 years difference. I am feeling really grateful for this.

In me news, I have only gained 3 lbs so far despite my pop tart and 4th and 5th meal habits. I don't look preggo yet, just plumpy, like I quit working out, which is true. The bad news is that I have a bacteria in my girlfriend that causes preterm labor. I had it a month and a half ago and took antibiotics. I still had it two weeks later so took more antibiotics. It's still here. That's not good. I'm trying not to panic just yet. If it's still there at my next appointment, I am definitely going to freak out. Stupid bacteria.

Did you know that I'm the ultimate ruiner of fun? It's true. Especially when that fun entails twin lovies climbing the bathroom sink, turning the water on full force, and then sticking their hands under it so water sprays everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

I have to shut that down. I'm mean like that. And then I have a pair of angry wet toddlers on my hands.


Saturday, June 9, 2012

Sometimes . . . .

Sometimes being a super awesome parent and savoring each moment of parenthood is not always on my priority list.

I know I should never admit that, but it's true.

For example, I have totally screwed up my son by sleeping in his crib. I know it's the cool thing to co-sleep these days and there are moments every now and then when I love waking up next to a warm and cuddly toddler, but for the most part, I feel like my bed is for me and Hubby. Kids can sleep in their own damn bed.

I thought it was pure genius that I would get into my children's cribs. It would teach them that of course I want to snuggle them when they need it, but I sure as hell don't really want them in my bed anytime they want to be. This was not a genius move because many a night Osh man will pat his pillow and say "get in Mommy" or "lay down Mommy."

This is a lot tougher these days because he is bigger and takes up more space in our iKea crib, which aren't the gigantic numbers you get at Babies 'R Us. People say I shouldn't be climbing in there anymore because I'm pregnant. They are right, but not because of the baby, because my big butt is 20 lbs. heavier from eating pop tarts and dairy milk for every meal.

Many times, I snuggle next to him and he wraps his arms around me and I love it. His precious face next to mine. The fact that my mere presence provides so much comfort to him. My ability to just smooch his sweet cheeks at close range as many times as I feel compelled. The knowledge that someday I am going to look back and be so thankful for these moments that we once shared when he is a teenager giving me the bird and telling me to go eff myself because I don't want him making out with his girlfriend and smoking a blunt in the driveway. These little things are the best moments in motherhood and I try to soak them up with every fiber of my being.

For the most part.

Some nights, though, I just want him to go to sleep. I don't want him waking up everytime I try to Mission Impossible ninja style remove myself silently from his crib with my extra heavy pop tart thighs barking "mommy , lay down or I wake up!" at me. Or, Heaven help me, he could just go to sleep on his own. Some nights I just want to put him to bed and then put myself in my bed at a decent time to watch my new True Blood Season 4 DVD while eating more pop tarts.

It's all a balance I guess.

Bad news . . . .I am behind on uploading pics. Sorry!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Five Years


Five years ago from yesterday, I got hitched. A year and a half before we got engaged on a spring break vaca to San Diego. I had been planning up a storm. We had an awesome ceremony that lasted about 20 minutes and then we partied.

A few days later we headed to Kauai. It was an amazing experience. We were actually supposed to go to St. Lucia but we didn't get our passports in time. Two days before the wedding we had to cancel our honeymoon and we rebooked. Due to the very last minute nature of this trip we got a phenomenal deal to go to an otherwise pretty pricey vacation to the gorgeous island of Hawaii. We got a beachfront hotel and round trip airfare for $1400.

In our newlywed in paradise bliss, we decided we would come back every five years for our anniversary.

Well . . . .

Little did we know we would spend the big bucks on infertility which would then give us our beautiful twins, which would then give us a bill of $1300 every.single.month for daycare. We almost pay for our Hawaii vaca every month. I would like to say we are rich enough to pay the equal of a luxury vacation each month in daycare and still afford a luxury vacation, but we can't. If we want to get real at the end of my pay period we can barely afford pb&j and gas for the Corolla, mmkay.

We wouldn't trade our twin nuggets for any vacation on this earth (or beyond), so we were perfectly content to go to a yummy dinner where we talked about how adorable Osh and Peanut are and how excited and lucky and hopeful we are for our fetus to turn into a healthy baby in December. We then went to a movie (Snow White and the Huntsman, it was really good but I am a nerd who loves motion graphics and fantasy films)and held hands and enjoyed each others company.

What more could you really ask for? Ups and downs have not prevented our first milestone anniversary and we feel so lucky right now.