Friday, December 30, 2011

Yes Please 2012

I am not a big fan of New Year's resolutions, so this post will not be about that.

All in all this year was okay. My time with the twins has been amazeballs. They have grown and changed so much it is crazy. Just this morning I was standing in front of the house and Ever wanted in and she looked up at me and said "scuze me mama." I loved it. It's those little things that I am in love with. Hubby and I got ourselves back together and in a good place so that was cool.

On the crap list was of course these resurfacing infertility issues and to put a cherry on top was the BFN I just had. I am still trying to let go of the conversations hubby and I had about baby names and the dreams I had of what it was like to be pregnant in the summertime, and all the dreams I had in my mind of what it is like to have a singleton. That kicked my ass. It actually physically hurts because since then I have had stress induced migraines frequently. Ick. The other crap list is work. Not because my job sucks or anything, but because I would rather be with my munchkins. I am on day 7 in a row with my babies, all day, everyday, and I love it so much. It is so fabulous. Today I didn't even eat until noon because I was so busy, but busy with things that made me feel happy, like the house getting cleaned, snuggles, grocery shopping. Things that are normally a last minute stress situation during the work week are just an easy, everyday part of life. One of the worst things of this year is that I have completely let myself go. I have not weighed this much or been this out of shape since I was 14. I look old. It's depressing. Let's don't even mention the pneumonia that lasted all summer and the four rounds of stomach flu we have had since Thanksgiving.

I know that 2012 could potentially suck big balls and way worse things could happen than BFN's and flabby thighs and hopelessly tiring, disorganized chaotic days trying to juggle working and mommying. For some reason though, I feel like 2012 could really be exciting. Maybe not even exciting, but just satisfying. Maybe I feel like that because my horoscope said so. Or maybe because I got a fortune cookie that said "your dearest wish will come true" and we all know fortune cookies never lie. I can't explain it, but I am really looking forward to the New Year.

I think this is going to be good. Only a day and a half left of 2011.

Prepare to eat your heart out! I'm serious, be sure you can handle this cuteness.

xmas 2011 031

Are you okay? Just checking, because I know Osh man is so cute that it hurts sometimes.

xmas 2011 036

I love this girl. She is a little firecracker. She is major mommy's girl right now and I'd be lying if I said I didn't love it!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Peanut and Nuts Don't Mix

In usual us fashion, yesterday afternoon Ever puked all over the floor. Yippee yay, we have another stomach bug. She was screaming in pain and puked four times. We noticed her ears were really red and there were a few hives on her neck. We jumped up, wrapped her in a blankie and headed for the ER.

The hives started getting out of control and her face was swollen. I panicked, major. We were close to the hospital so I pulled a Britney Spears and ripped out of the carseat to hold her. I needed to be able to feel her breathe. As soon as we got there I ran inside to check her in. After an eternity (about ten minutes really) we got a room and they gave her oral meds and wanted to see what happened. She puked again all over me. The poor baby was so tired after that she said "I sleep, I night night." she passed out after that. Unfortunately I only had my Suddenly Skinny tank top on underneath the barf sweater and I didn't want to walk around looking like a stuffed sausage, so I made hubby give me his sweatshirt. A naked baby, mom in an oversized Nike sweatshirt and daddy in a wife beater=white trash.

Hubby said he had given both the kiddies a cashew nut cluster. They have both had peanut butter before so he didn't think anything of it. So . . We now know Ever is allergic to tree nuts. Great.

The nurse returned and said since she threw up again they would need to IV some meds in but she couldn't find any good veins in her tiny body. They called in a nurse from the NICU. It took her two tries. There was lots of screaming. One think a regular needle user like me wouldn't have issues, but not when it comes to my baby. I was hiding in the corner like a pansy. The benefit was immediate and we were discharged an hour later.

So there you have it. I think between the BFN and this full drama, scary incident we will officially be celebrating Hannukah next year.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Kid Free Week

The twins went to visit Grandma early this week for the holiday's so my parents could spend some extra time with them. We made it to about Wednesday before it became really sucky and we wanted them to come. In the meantime, I did things I normally don't do.

1. Clean. The house isn't perfectly clean but it is significantly cleaner than usual.

2. I woke up one morning at 5 a.m. and went to spin class to exercise and it felt great.

3. I polished off the final Hunger Games book in one day. Those books are violent and weird, but awesome and they are extremely hard to put down. I read the whole trilogy in a week. If I ever get the privilege of having more children I may have rip some names off from that book.

4. I went to dinner, had a glass of wine and saw a movie with hubby.

5. I got to work on time, sometimes even a little early.

6. Time alone with my thoughts made me realize that continuing with fertility treatments is not an option until I feel better. I am so demoralized and deeply unhappy right now as a result of the treament. Because it feels so horrible, I can't imagine that it is the only thing wrong. I'm hoping to get some meds to help out when the holiday's are over. I don't feel guilty for feeling angry and upset. As much as it would be nice to be a person who could just "count my blessings" and move on, I know that if we all looked at unsatisfactory things in our life and thought "oh well, I'm still a little sunshine pants" we would still be running around naked and living in caves. It's good to not accept things, but I don't feel it's very good to feel like I'm losing a grip on everything. I am going to need some help.

We did accomplish things and hubby and I got some good time together, but life without my nuggets is not cool at all. In half a day from now, we will all be snuggling together and I can't wait!

Enjoy the holidays!





Monday, December 19, 2011

Unhappy Camper

The day after the big fat negative, I was okay actually. Wednesday was a fine day. I'm not pregnant this time but maybe next time. I felt good playing with the twins and realizing that I have already graced this earth with exceptional human beings and that does make me happy. They make me very happy.

Thursday, on the other hand, was the beginning of the descent into Hell. Thursday night I got my period so there was just no denying the reality of this. I cried a few tears again, but thought I'd be okay.

Friday was worse. I am angry . So extremely angry. I thought of the fresh IVF and all the money and emotions and energy and time spent on that cycle that made the frostie. Then I thought of all the feelings we felt and money we paid each times it's storage bill came. I thought of the time and effort and money of this FET and then I thought of how all of that was riding down the drain on a tampon to the sewer with piss and shit and I was so mad I can't describe it.

Today is Monday and I still a very angry person. I am sad. I am depressed. I am so jealous that I have hit a new low of being resentful of even infertiles who are getting BFP's right now. I can't stomach it. I found a bunch of great new blogs but nearly all of them are pregnant so I can't follow them. Not right now anyway. I haven't visited my favorite message boards in a few days and don't see myself doing it for awhile because I just don't want to see other people's great news and feel like shit.

Yes, people are dying of cancer. Yes, there are starving children in Africa. Yes, there are people without jobs and homeless and hungry. And yes, I do have the two most beautiful children in the world already and that isn't going to be taken away from me. All of those things are really awful things (except my beautiful children). But that doesn't make me feel better about having to choose between getting to spend more time with my children and live in a better neighborhood or having a third child, which I really want and can't shut those feelings off. I think it's bullshit I have to decide to put my current family back by years again paying tens of thousands of dollars on a chance at getting pregnant or just living each day feeling upset about not being able to have more children when hubby and I have always wanted a big family. And the thought of sacrificing all those things to do IVF and I still don't get pregnant (which is a real possibility) makes me wonder what kind of psych wards my insurance will cover. It makes me SO VERY ANGRY that I can hardly handle being around other human beings. I am taking a break from internet activities until I can feel like a decent human being myself.

I'm sorry if this isn't what people want to hear, but too bad. If I had a dollar for everything people tell me that I don't want to hear I could do IVF 50 times. Like "at least you're young." Really?!?!? A lot of good that's done me. I'm bitter. I'm angry and I'm going to allow myself to be a selfish prick if that's what it takes to get me out of this rut.

In other news . . . .

1. I will be doing a lap in January to make sure everything looks normal other than my stupid eggs.

2. My goal is to lose 16.6 pounds by the summer.

3. My children are out of town for awhile and I miss them so much! I know they are having fun and their immune systems are going to get a nice long break between this week and next, but I miss them so bad I'm not sure what to do with myself.



Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Time We Tried To Get Knocked Up, But Failed Miserably

Friday, October 14th: Hubby talks to me over dinner about using our little frozen embryo. I cry in the restaurant. I didn't see this coming. This would change a lot of plans I made and I am deathly afraid of failure. Hubby says it's not the end of the world, we will deal with if it doesn't work and we can try for a third child with a fresh IVF when we can afford one (that would be about a year and a half from then, 2013). So a failure would not be the end of the world and with some things we are considering now would be the best time.

Monday, October 17th: I call the RE'soffice. By some miracle of the universe, they have an opening on a day I already had off to take Ocean and Ever to appointments, otherwise it will be the end of November. I learn that this appointment, which is just chatting, will cost $300 out of pocket. WTF? I must have had amnesia from the first time I did IVF. Hubby and I spoke when he got home and we decided to keep the appointment. I start signing my life away in paperwork.

Wednesday, October 19th: We go to the RE's office. It feels so different than the first time. I show everyone pictures of Ocean and Ever. We get all the info, including the cost (gulp!) and then start signing even more paperwork. They said there is a 33% chance of success, which is much different that when we did IVF and had a 60% chance of success. I start to feel worried, but hubby is a great cheerleader and assures me everything is going to be okay. I leave with my calendar of events, and if the babysicle thaws, it will be transferred on December 5th.

Thursday, October 20th: I pick up my first round of meds for my protocol. I start feeling extremely terrified about the whole thing. The cost was $95.00.

Monday, October 31st: I had an SHG and it was incredibly painful. I have done this one other time and an HSG and did not find either one to be very painful, but this time it was brutal and I was bleeding everywhere. I have had several nightmares about the FET not working and after the painful experience I am starting to wonder if this is a good idea.

Thursday, November 3rd: Started my first dose of Lupron (which is a small injection into the stomach) to continue nightly for several weeks. Thankfully the babies have left me with extra padding so the shots don't hurt quite as bad. My Lupron, PIO injections and suppositories (you need extra progesterone I guess on a frozen cycle) cost $321.00.

Tuesday, November 8th: I take my last birth control pill, but vomit it up. I have the raging stomach flu!! I threw up everything from the day before as well so I don't have the right amount of bcps in my system. I am supposed to start a Z-Pak as soon as I get my period, but since I am so sick, I will have to wait another day. I am so worried I have messed something up! I also have not had my prenatal or baby aspirin in two days because of this so there are no nutrients in my body. Ack!! Stress!

Tuesday, November 15th: I head back to the RE's office to get a blood draw for a suppression check. Just like with our first IVF, all my levels are normal and I am suppressed so things are moving along nicely. I pay for it, which was $2,398.00. To my surprise, instead of panic, I felt really good. I know the odds are not great for us, but I feel hope and start getting excited about this. Maybe we will be having another baby next fall? I really, really, REALLY am wanting this to happen.

Thursday, November 17th: I start estrogen patches. I went to Target to pick them up and they are going to cost $620.00!!! Mother fucker! I decide to only purchase 16 of them which cost $155.00 plus my second round of Z-Pak which is going to cost another $10.00. I call and cry and beg the RE to put me on a different med. They say no, so I am researching a better and cheaper place to buy. I have until 11/29 when my $155.00 stash is out.

Monday, November 21st: I drop my Lupron on the floor and it shatters everywhere. I am a complete mess. Just as I am worrying about money again, I do something so stupid. Hubby reminds me that this is just money, it will come and go, a child and our family is forever. I go to pick it up from the pharmacy. I have to buy a whole new kit and not just the amount I need for a total of $187.00. I am feeling lots of pain in my joints and tired. I get a 101 fever which is weird because I don't get fevers normally. I go to the doctor and they think I may have strep or mono, but both come out negative. MORE STRESS!! I have to take Amoxicillin for 10 days. I start really hoping this doesn't mess with the cycle. Please little frostie baby, be my Christmas miracle.

Wednesday, November 23rd: I move up to three estrogen patches a day. Hubby says "there is about to be a lot of crying around here."

Monday, November 28th: I got in for bloodwork and an ultrasound. They like to see lining at a 10 and mine was 11.13, yay! Unfortunately, my estrogen was a little low so in addition to the patches I have to take two estrogen pills daily. To my surprise, they only cost $4. I had to look at it several times because I can't believe it. We are getting closer . . . .

Wednesday, November 30th: Lupron injections have stopped and now it's progesterone time. I use suppositories twice a day and a PIO (progesterone in oil). These are gigantic needles that go in your ass. I can't do them myself and they have to be done in the morning so I have to get up at 6 to ice my booty to numbness and do this before Hubby goes to work. Yay. I pick up three more boxes of estrogen patches for a total of $192.00.

Sunday, December 4th: I looked at my calendar and I did not follow it correctly! I was supposed to start a Z-Pak and steroid yesterday, but I didn't. AAHHHHH!!! I decided to start the Z-Pak like regular, but take the steroid pills in the AM and PM instead of just PM to catch up because those are important to my cycle. My butt is so sore from the PIO's that it hurts to sit, but I am really really hoping we have to stay on them for 7 more weeks until I hit 10 weeks gestation. Tomorrow is the big day. I should find out by 10:00 a.m. if our little snow baby thaws and we are a go. I am scared to death! But also ready to get this show on the road.

Monday, December 5th: The snowbaby did thaw! Woo hoo! I take my Valium (which is amazing) and head on in. We see the photo of the embie on the screen. It does not look like Ocean and Ever's embies at all. Their's were beautiful, very clear and well rounded, this one was full of bubbles and lumpy. I know this isn't great. They said it was okay, thawed embryo's look a little different because of the change after they have been frozen. After the transfer is over, I cry. Last time we talked and laughed and took pictures, but really, all I could do was cry. I want this baby but I am aware the odds are not with us. It makes me feel sad and scared. Hubby talks to the embie in my belly to make me feel better. This is going to be a long 8 days.

Dear snowbaby,

You are out of your ice and safely in mama! You are the very last survivor of the 22 eggs retrieved and 12 that ferilized in what seems like forever ago. Mommy and Daddy have thought of you often. We love Ocean and Ever so much, and we will love you just as much. The five of us will have a wonderful time together. If you decide to stick around, you will not regret it! Burrow in snowbaby, you have a lot to look forward to and we can't wait to meet you!



Tuesday, December 6th: My second day of bedrest has commenced. Hubby, Oshy and I are all hit HARD with the stomach flu. Hard. I lose all hope I had of this working out each time I throw up and get overcome with chills and sweat. I am so so very sad this happened. When the pain dies down I drift in and out of sleep. Poor Hubby is trying to take care of the kids but can barely stay awake from the exhaustion of vomit. This sucks balls. Four days away from my first pee stick.

Thursday, December 8th: Home pregnancy test negative, 3dp6dt. I couldn't help myself. I know it's too early, but I had to pee on something!

Friday, December 9th: Home pregnancy test negative, 4dp6dt

Saturday, December 10th: Home pregnancy test negative, 5dp6dt

Sunday, December 11th: Home pregnancy test negative, 6dp6dt. I really thought this would be my day so I took another one an hour later. Negative. I decide I don't really want to do the butt shots anymore, especially since one side of my butt is red, hard, swollen and itchy. I may as well not waste my time, but hubby isn't 100% okay with this.

Monday, December 12th: I'm really hoping today is the day. I pee on one stick, negative. Maybe there's something wrong with it so I pee another, still negative, 7 dp6dt. This sucks so hard I wish I could punch someone in the face. My alarm goes off and says "yay, you're pregnant!" I forgot in my positive thinking phase I put that in my phone. I'm not pregnant. Thanks for the reminder. I'm never thinking positive again.

Tuesday, December 13th: I have had wonderful dreams about being pregnant, so I get up at 4:00 a.m. and pee on a stick again. Negative. 8dp5dt. I get the confirmation from the doctor through a blood test that it did not work.

And here I sit, completely losing my shit. I am so, so sad this didn't happen. My body actually hurts and I can't control my tears. This is such bullshit. I forgot how bad it hurts to have a treatment fail, but I am definitely reminded. I wish we never had that frostie, that they had dumped it down the drain, because since we knew of it's existence it has been nothing but false hope.

I'm going to cry today. A lot. In my car. In my bed. Probably in public.

Tomorrow I am going to probably be a really grouchy asshole.

Thursday I hope to forget about this whole business. We are going to do a fresh cycle when the time is right because we really do want a third baby. Some people might think that's cuckoo and I just don't care. But I need some time to get over this, look at our finances really in depth, and get in good shape. I know I'm only 27, but my eggs suck so if we are going to drain the savings (again) and not buy a house and still live in the ghetto (again) I have to make sure it's worth it.

That's all. I'm sorry for this depressing message. Thursday will be a new day.

Monday, December 5, 2011

New Reading Material Please

I need some more blog reading to satisfy my intense voyeurism please.

I would like you to help me find some suggestions.

Here is what types of things I'm looking for:

1. Funny mostly, but not always.

2. Realistic. I'm not into those always happy and philosophical types who are crapping rainbows and think everyone should be grateful and thrilled all the time. I don't want to hear about how your cup of coffee made you realize how wonderful your life is. Boring.

3. I like nice pictures.

4. No pretentious mothering please. Ick, so gross. I don't want to read constant advice from others about why they are such wonderful parents. And usually those parents are the same as the rest of us, except more obsessive and neurotic.

That's about it! If you have suggestions, or even think your own blog fits the bill, comment it, I want to read it!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Totally Random

- I am no longer ill. Praise. That sucked. I think Ocean is getting sick though. Eff.

- I really, really, REALLY need a cleaning fairy or a slave. I can't afford a maid so it has to be something else. I want to clean. I truly do. My house is a disaster. BUT . . . after questionable sleep (one of the kids has been in our bed all week, mostly Osh man), appointments coming out the ass, 8 hours of work and around 45 minutes of commuting places I just don't have it in me.

- So, I know you are totally supposed to ditch the bottle at a year. Last night my dearest hubby did not turn on the dishwasher so we had no clean bottles this morning. I figured at 19 months old the twins could survive one morning of soy milk in a sippy cup vs. soy milk in a bottle. No. They could not. It was true hell, constant tantrums and screaming. I never gave them the bottle, but dropping off two very angry babies at daycare is so not a great way to start the day.

- I had a mandatory training in harassment this week and I realized I spend 90% of my time involved in some sort of harassment. I should probably stop that, but really, people are whiners.

- This week the twins and I watched Happy Feet at bedtime together. We have never really watched a movie together before. They really liked it, but when the seal came out to eat the penguin Ever started panicking and crying and Ocean kept saying "oh no, oh no." I didn't realize they had fear of things yet. I know they cry when they are ticked or startled, but the whole realization that things are scary to them is new. Kind of cool how much they are growing and changing and how intellectually advanced they are, but I guess that means no more Walking Dead, True Blood or Breaking Bad while the kids are still awake.

- Santa is coming to our house in only a week. We are just special that way. I'll do that in a post all on it's own next.

- This whole Occupy Wallstreet thing is getting silly. Not because I disagree with it, but because they showed on the news that they arrested a ton of them in California. Really? Do you know how expensive it is to book and process and jail people? It's a lot. What a waste of taxpayer money to arrest peaceful protesters. Speaking of that, I saw a guy this morning on the way to work driving a BMW with a license plate that said "the 1 percent" in the front. What a douche bag. People like that are insufferable.

- Hold onto your hats . . . . . I COOKED! Yeah, I have made two crockpot meals, twice baked potato casserole, twinkie cake, mini pumpkin pies, chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake and rolls. It's crazy. That happened last weekend. It has not happened again.

- Constant updates during birth onto Facebook are becoming all the rage, but I don't like it. For 1. Birth is something that families don't experience that often unless you are the Duggar's so you should take the time to enjoy it and 2. It stresses me out. That may sound selfish and all, but please don't stress me out during your birth (ha).

The Peanut and her war paint



"Puh-lease, mother, why are you photographing me again?"

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I'm A Wuss

Back in the day, before I was a parent myself, I would watch other parent's and think about how many serial killers we would have in the future because parent's would laugh at their kids bad behavior. I would think to myself "what a little wussy, that kid owns that parent."

Well . . . . .

I'm a total wuss. I am a sucker times a million for my nuggets. Yes, I put them in time out when it gets really bad. When Ever is having a Code Red tantrum I lay her on the floor and walk away. I say "no no" sometimes. But unfortunately, I laugh. A lot.

Oshy's face is so delectably adorable when he is being naughty. He turns his head to the side and pouts his lips and then looks at you out of the corner of his eye. Then he smiles and giggles and then I do the ultimate mom sin and laugh too. Only a cold hearted snake wouldn't, right? Hubby doesn't and he gets ticked at me when I do, but it is really hard not to.

The other night the babies' were playing together while Hubby and I were watching TV and they were chit chatting and being so good. Instead of checking on them I took advantage of this and snuggled Hubby on the couch while I could. After about 5 minutes I thought this was too good to be true and they were actually taking a sharpie marker and coloring all over our hard woods. Hubby was horrified. I thought it was cute. Much to my total wussy dismay, I was also dreading taking the sharpie away because I knew it would make them sad and I hate making my nuggets sad.

So there you have it. I'm a wuss parent. My kids my as well be raised by a pack of wolves.

But they sure are adorable, aren't they?



Thursday, November 24, 2011


It's Thanksgiving!!

I love a day where not only do I not have to work and I still get paid, but the reason behind it is just to be thankful and eat food. This is probably the best thing that America has ever come up with and I have been looking forward to it for weeks. I am actually going to cook (gasp!) some stuff this week and I have a family art project planned. Being lazy and hanging out with my family is the best.

I am so thankful for:

-My husband. It takes a strong individual to live with me and commit to that for life. Seriously. He's a brave soul and he makes me laugh. He does other good things but they aren't appropriate to share on the internet.

-My family. My mom and dad and siblings and my grandparents. I feel very lucky that my kids hit the extended family jackpot and we are very blessed that way. Aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, great aunts and uncles, it's out of control.

-My friends. I have some really funny and great friends. Some are old and some are new, but they are really nice to have.

- My home. My home is small and old, but it is really special. It's our first home and it keeps us warm and that is pretty awesome.

- My job. Sure, no one really likes to work, but if I have to it's not so bad and there are so many out there who need a job I do feel fortunate. My insurance is great (aside from the no fertilty coverage but for the average person it's nice).

- My internet pals. I TOTALLY would have made fun of this back in the day, but really, I have found so much support and comraderie and good laughs from the message boards I belong to and blogs I read. It's amazing.

- And the most obvious thing . . my beautiful, funny, smart and sweet nuggets!


It seems silly to even say that I'm thankful for them. They overwhelm me sometimes, with good stuff. The English language doesn't hold verbage that is powerful enough to describe how I feel about them, but thankful will do for today.

I read a quote that was placed in a nursery and said "All my smiles begin with you" and I thought that was perfect. They make me smile all the time.

Ever is saying "whoa!!"

I'm not really thankful for the disease I have in me that won't go away so I am at home eating cheez-its and Thera-flu alone on Thanksgiving while my family is out eating good stuff, but hey, I know we can't have it all, right?


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Happiness is Overrated

. . . . says Brad Pitt.

"I think happiness is overrated, truthfully. I do,” says the Moneyball star, who has kids Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Knox and Vivienne with his partner Angelina Jolie. “I think sometimes you’re happy, sometimes you’re not. There’s too much pressure to be happy. I don’t know. I don’t really give a s–t. I know I will be at times and I know I won’t be at times. Satisfied, at peace, those would be more goals for myself.”

Some people think this is negative or a sign that he hates his life, but I happen to agree with him completely.

People are 100% obsessed with feeling happiness all the time or finding the joy in sucky situations. But sometimes life sucks. I think it's important to be thankful for what you have and grateful for your blessings, but happy all the time? No. That seems like some hedonistic goal of a toddler. When you are a grown up you should know that you are not going to be happy all the time. I think you should enjoy your happiness, but feel your pain too. That's being human.

Hubby and I were having a conversation about comparing. I feel like we are so trained to believe we should be happy all the time that we feel guilt when we don't and start comparing. This happens to me in terms of fertility. When I am feeling bummed about the disappointment, money issues, sadness that comes with fertility even after a successful fertility treatment which resulted in the two most attractive human beings on the planet (ha), I feel like I need to stop myself not because I really want to, but because someone else didn't have successful treatments, had to do more IVF's than me, lost a child etc. Hubby said to me "and some people get pregnant with no help, for free, so who cares what other people are doing? Worry about yourself." My therapist also pointed this out to me several years ago. Think about how you feel and live your own feelings.

The other issue with the pursuit of constant happiness is that happiness would not really be that interesting if that's all you felt. It wouldn't be a good feeling, it would just be. Without feeling sad, pissed, discontented, feeling happy wouldn't be that exciting. It's okay to feel a full range of emotions. It's okay to feel like life sucks when you're sad. It makes sense. Forcing happiness on yourself and others is not healthy. I don't think it's very productive to feel guilt for feeling sad just because other people believe one should always be happy.

I am so glad that Brad Pitt said it. I know some people are bashing him for it, but I think he is a rock star for admitting it.

What do you think?

We haven't had a family picture taken in a YEAR, so I choose the windiest day ever and we took family pictures. Woo hoo.




Thursday, November 17, 2011

Seriously Thursday

- In the last three weeks we have had two ear infections, one case of croup that sent us to the ER and now each and every one of us were vomitting and crapping our brains out with the stomach flu. Everyone says after the first year of daycare all of our immune systems will be better but seriously 1. I have worked in a daycare for the last 4 years and I brought this home! and 2. the one year mark is in June and I will surely get fired by then.

- My daughter got pee on my jeans yesterday before work and I wore them anyway.

- At my benefits enrollment for this year the reps from the insurance company informed us that they just bought one of our approved urgent cares. Just effin' great. In my opinion, health insurance is not to be trusted. The goal of good health should be good health, not making a buck so there is the first strike for me. Now they are owning doctor's offices? This is no bueno.

- Don't ever eat food at my house. I changed Ever's diaper and then the buzzer went off saying that the oven was ready so I popped some cinnamon rolls (the whole family's current guilty pleasure, twins love them!) in the oven. I noticed a little white something on the cinnamon roll, thought it was frosting then realized I hadn't opened the frosting yet. Butt paste. Yep, we totally ate a butt paste cinnamon roll. It was just a little bit though.

- The hubs sent me this text "just wanted to tell you you're a great mother and you're doing a great job." At first I was like, awe, what a sweetheart, but then I was like "seriously? what do you want?" Ha!

-I've pinned a ton of recipes on Pinterest and have yet to cook a meal. I can't remember when I last cooked.

- Mariah Carey was on the cover of Us magazine looking hot and saying that she did that by hard work. Ha. From one twin mom to the other, I know you don't have time for real hard work and twins will really rough up a dangler so we know you got a tummy tuck! Don't deny it!!!!

- I was changing sheets on the twins' beds and I came down to find a naked Oshy eating a cinnamon roll in the window sill. Seriously . . . I have my hands full with these kids!

- This post from Raven about how to keep a man serioulsy had me peeing my pants yesterday! Basically she says if you want to keep them, you just need to "feed 'em, f$%^ 'em, and shut up." I guess I must be very lucky because I don't do any of those things and we just celebrated 8 years of being together (I'm serious, I don't do ANY of those things, sad I know).

My flickr account won't let me log in so I will hit you up with some old school photos . . . .

Fresh nuggets!


These are classics! Every baby needs a sombrero . . .



Mad babies


People sometimes ask if I would like to have had them be infants just a little while longer. Seriously?!?! NO! Newborn twins are not a joke. But I love looking at these pictures and if I could get in a time machine and just go spend 5 waking hours with my newborn nuggets I would totally do it. They were adorbs . . . .

Saturday, November 12, 2011

An In-Between Place

This is an infertility post. It's not funny and it's not about parenting. Weird.

For awhile, being infertile really slipped my mind kind of. I just forgot a little bit. I was way too busy, tired, blessed, overwhelmed with joy having newborn twins and being a new mom to really worry about infertility. If you have been here awhile, I even contemplated giving our frozen baby to someone else (hubby was NOT cool with that idea). I just felt complete.

That has really been wearing away. Hubby and I lost each other for awhile, but have made big strides to get back to where we were before. I am so thankful that we are happy with each other again. The only downfall of being happy and in a great place with hubby is that hubby and I are reminded of all our dreams that we have dreamt up over the last eight years we've been together and those dreams included having three or more kids. Three is what we both really agreed on (although I could definitely do more than that). Hubby said it best: "I love our family. I love our children and they make me so happy. It would just be extra happy to add someone else to our family."

It's so weird to feel so joyous about my children (who are at an amazingly fun age and it just keeps getting better) and yet that nagging feeling like I would really like more of it. The internal struggle is that if Ocean and Ever are my only children that I ever give birth to, I will feel like such a lucky, blessed person. They are beautiful and healthy and smart and I am very in love with them. They have far exceeded my expectations in what being a mommy would be like. Last night Ever and I were snuggling under a blanket watching Sesame Street when she just turned her head around and puckered up for a kiss, so I leaned in and she smooched me and then I cried a few tears of joy because I felt so much love and so lucky.

Oppositely, I am starting to feel sad and jealous when people announce their pregnancies. I feel angry and unsympathetic when people complain to me about being pregnant. I feel like life isn't fair, why can't hubby and I have another baby when other people can do that for free, when they want to? And all of these negative feelings just feel wrong, when the two most amazing things on this planet already belong to me, I should not feel like this. I also feel like a disappointment and a failure for being the weak link who can't get us to where we want to go.

IVF costs $15,000 for one try and we, like many others, have no insurance coverage for any fertility treatment. One try is not guaranteed, we were very lucky with what we got. I don't know that I could go through all of that again. Ocean and Ever are now my number one priority. I can't take away from them and give to something that may not happen and having twins makes it nearly impossible to save money for such an expensive treatment. Besides, money that we have saved we would really like to use to buy a house in a better school district in a few years, not blow it all trying to get pregnant again. I could not do that to my babies.

I've just completed a month of birth control pills and I felt so much better. I didn't have the ups and downs and the issues and the pain and I even dropped a couple pounds without doing anything. It's good to feel better, but sad to know that the only way to feel this way is to be on medication that would prevent us from ever having a natural pregnancy (with our whopping 5% chance of that happening).

So that's my in-between place. Do I accept that life doesn't always happen like we plan it to and move on? Do I not give up and find a way to make our dreams happen?

I can't decide.

In the meantime, the babes and I will just keep having fun together. Due to the stomach bug from Hell that hit Osh and I this week, we got to have a PJ day on Friday. We just hung out all day and had a nice, relaxing time and went from one pair of jammies to the next.



Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Things I Love Right Now

The nuggets, although insanely wild and testing boundaries, are so much fun right now. Hubby and I just sit in the living room in the evening and watch them and play with them and then talk about how funny or cool all the stuff they did was after they go to bed.

Here are some examples:

- Ever loves singing these days. She sings whenever she is doing something or is bored, like in the car. She even sings a song for Ocean and sings "o-o-oshy, o-o-oshy." She calls out "Oshy" a lot and refers to herself as "shishy" or sissy in our language.

- Ocean has been trying so hard to jump. Ever can get some air, but not Ocean. He tries so hard that he bends down and then jumps up and flings his arms into the sky. He finally got some air on Monday and laughed so hard that he did it.

- I cannot express to you how much I love hearing them call me "mama." It's the best thing in the world. When I go in their rooms to get them they say "mama" so loud. They look at pictures and then point at me and say "mama." I think they know I love it because they will randomly poke me and say "mama" to see my reaction.

- I'm very confident they are both geniuses. I wrote "Ever" on a board and said what does that say and Ocean pointed at Ever. Ocean ran into the room and saw something yellow and said "lellow." I caught Ever taking apart the tower she built and then she arranged the pieces in color order with like colors.

- Dancing is my favorite. Ever loves dancing too, dancing and singing. She gets a silly look on her face, bends her knees, shakes her hips and throws one arm up in the air.

- I hate to admit it, but Ocean getting in trouble is pretty funny. He is testing boundaries right now big time. He will do something naughty and then see if he gets in trouble. When he does he sticks his lip out and then tries to get mad. He doesn't understand that a mama can't take a sweet baby boy face seriously, even though he's trying to be a tough guy by not looking at me or hitting the time out wall.

- Right now their affection is so deliberate and I love it. When they are little babies, let's be honest, an infant will be happy with just about anyone who gives them a warm body and food. But now they give hugs and kisses and rub my back. They put their arms around my neck and nuzzle their heads onto my shoulders. Best.feeling.ever.

I am really loving parenting these days. Even on the days when daycare informs us that Ocean has been in timeout all day for trying to and then successfully biting his sister. Yeah, that happened for real.

You guys are so lucky that I am reproductively challenged and poor, otherwise I would totally end up being the next Michelle Duggar (except with cursing and yelling instead of patience and baby talk).

A couple pics from our trip:


A hayride with Grandma and Grampa. We had lots of fun, although I will say Arizona pumpkin patches have NOTHING on Kansas pumpkin patches.


With their new cousin! He was six days old in this picture and we let my little violent germ buckets hold him. He did survive, although I think Grampa nearly had a heart attack.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Seriously Thursday

-My dog seriously died out of the blue almost two weeks ago and it sucked big ones. Like REALLY sucked. I told hubby we are going to hold puppies tomorrow night after work and he was pissed. Sorry, hubby, we are just going to hold them, we swear!!

- Kim and Kris and getting a divorce. Did anyone seriously not think that was going to happen? And to think I just watched their wedding special this week! I think Kris is kind of a baby and I'm not into baby men at all but Kim needs to grow up big time.

- Seriously . . . the fact that anyone gets pregnant by having sex really astonishes me. It is so far from the reality of my life that I can't even imagine it. And I still want to send mail bombs to everyone who gets pregnant by having sex after they tell me (it's fleeting, but it happens).

-The other morning I looked in the mirror and thought "dang, I look good today." I seriously can't remember the last time that has happened and I really liked it. Perhaps I should stop eating fast food more often. But then again it's fast and easy and that works very well for me.

-The tantrums in my house . . . . seriously . . . .it's out of control. The cool new thing for them to do is to fight with each other over everything. Unfortunately, it's pretty funny sometimes.

- I seriously need help in the hair/make up department. I have been trolling Pinterest but I am just not good at doing these things and I think I need a professional. And the ability to actually pay attention to what they tell me so I can do it when I get home. I would ask my sis who is a make up/hair guru, but she isn't spending Xmas with us like a big huge butthole (ooh yeah, did you see that Weiner, I called you a butthole on the interwebs!). Maybe I can just look like a shlumpa until summer, which may be the next time I see her.

- I seriously hate winter weather. I hate being stuck inside, I hate cold, I hate wearing a coat, but I do enjoy hot chocolate and I love the holidays so that is a plus. Santa is going to have to start collecting items for the twinkles very soon (but I am a major procrastinator, oops, I mean Santa is a slacker).

Here are the naughty twins climbing up a step stool to get crayons and marshmellows


Here is the Oshy that pulled chocolate chips off the counter and is now dumping and throwing them in the living room


Here is a Peanut taking all of the folded laundry off the couch and putting it into piles in the floor while mommy was in the potty


Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Travel with Toddlers

We have recently just arrived home from a 3 day trip to Phoenix from Kansas by way of a three hour plane ride.

Well . . . . .

Wednesday night/Thursday morning: Ocean was up all night. Until 5:00 a.m. He had been a little sick last week and his ear was red but the specialist would like to keep him off of antibiotics. That did not work out. We went downstairs so hubby could sleep and watched Sesame Street for awhile. I happened to drift off into slumberland for a brief moment and the child emptied my wallet all over the floor, did the same to hubby's, packed a bunch of stuff into his suitcase and took a gigantic crap all over the place. Yay.

7:45 a.m. Thursday: Sadly woke up extremely exhausted and we began getting things together. I procrastinated as usual so had to drop the twins off at daycare, work for a few hours, and franticly pack and sort of clean. I also had to pick up an antibiotic and drugs for Osh because I had a feeling we were about to have a truly hellish experience on the flight.

2:45 p.m. Thursday: Pick up twins from daycare then pick up hubby then go to the airport.

Let me give you a list of things we hauled into the airport:

1. Two carseats
2. Two strollers
3. Two small Sesame Street suitcases filled with toys, blankies, snacks, coloring tools.
4. A diaper bag.
5. A back pack.
6. My purse.

7. Two lunch boxes

Needless to say, hubby was pissed about dragging all this crap through the airport.

4:45 p.m. Board the flight that was sure to be hell. Ocean slept the whole way and Ever was a little angel to my shock and pleasant surprise! Go us!

Everything became a blur once we arrived. Twins were happy to be out of the plane. Ever slept like shit the first night and we relaxed the second day (hubby pretty much slept all day Friday).

The second night was awful, especially because this became the third straight night I had with NO sleep. She couldn't breathe well off and on and had a barking cough. Long story short-we took her to urgent care asap Saturday morning and they were a bunch of asshats. I figured she had croup or maybe bronchitis, but they did a F- xray in which they decided she had severe pnuemonia and an enlarged heart and we should transfer her by ambulance to the ER. Umm . . . the girl was snotty and coughing, but no fever, still eating and drinking so I had a hard time believing this crap so I told them I would take her myself. We went to the ER, were checked in right away, and then proceeded to wait for 2 and a half hours for a doctor. In the end, she did just have croup and an ear infection and she received a very traumatic breathing treatment and snot suction as well as a steroid.

The next day we repeated our travel home except the twins did not sleep. It was 11:00 p.m. our time before they even passed out, but then Ever woke back up when we were in the car. Our house did not have heat on and it was dirty as hell and the sicko's need cleanliness and new sheets and I didn't feel like it so we arrived at my grandparents home to sleep at 12:30 a.m.

I am very tired. I will also not haul my children that far in their toddlerhood for only three nights ever again. That was not smart. The great news is we got to see a fresh new cutie baby which happens to be my nephew (that's probably why he's cute) and the twinkles got to see their grandparents (although after three nights in bed with Grandma Ocean has yet to sleep in his own bed, sigh). This was their fourth flight though, so they are a little jetsetting crew.

Snow White and the Handsome Devil


Hubby made the monkey's their own pumpkin patch!


Monday, October 24, 2011

Dumb Stuff From Pinterest

Although I am a true lover of Pinterest, I do see many a pin that make me roll my eyes.

This is obviously not true because if it were true, all of us would be skinny. When you finally fit into your skinny jeans to go out with your girlfriends and there is a big fat piece of cheesecake smothered in chocolate you eat that shit. Why? Because you know it is going to taste damn good! I know I could be skinny if I tried, but I ate a cake pop for breakfast and it was delicious. I've been skinny. It didn't feel as good as a cheeseburger. Dumb.

So you're telling me that the crush I have had on Jon Hamm for all these months is real, true love? Yippee!! I knew we were destined to be together. Dumb. This nonsensical business is for confused teenagers and what would a confused teenager be doing on Pinterest? There are way to many quotes on there that scream "I am Debbie Desperate and I can't get over my ex-boyfriend of the cat fight I just had on facebook!"

This is very poor advertising. Like a typical American, I am a visual person and respond to things that are appealing to the eyes. Let's say this pin was about the same thing, but had a hot chick sitting in a lounge chair getting a massage from a ripped topless man while her children sat in a well behaved manner smiling next to her and that is what I could get out of cleaning for 15-20 minutes a day I would definitely do it. But this? Uh, not appealing. Dumb.

Do I even need to say anything? What the hell?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Seriously Thursday

1. This morning Ever and I were playing round and round on the hardwoods in the kitchen. My glasses fell off so I tried to catch them quick before they hit her in the face. While trying to catch them, I let go of my child who then hit the back of her head on the hardwood floor. Seriously, wtf? She would have been hit in the head with a pair of glasses that weigh all of an ounce and instead her whole body hit the hardwoods. DUMB!

2. I am seriously in love with Friday Night Lights. I think I like that show so much because it is so real. Not everyone in America lives in a shiny white suburb with granite counter tops and a brand new gigantic SUV. In fact most people don't, it's really nice to see that in action on TV.

3. Seriously . . . my house is disgusting. I just can't clean it! It will be clean by Saturday, it will be clean by Saturday, it will be clean by Saturday . . . that's what I keep telling myself! Except it would be more effective to actually start cleaning instead of just talking about it though.

4. This seriously made me cry . . . .

My stomach looks exactly like this (except for the belly ring, I am so not into body piercings, not even ears)! I think this person has a great attitude and I'm going to try and adopt it. The quote says "A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn.One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes, and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me. It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it's ugly. That's OK. It was your home.It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it." Gorgeous, right?

5. I seriously used hubby's face shaver to shave my pubes. This has been the #1 rule from hubby, NEVER use his face shaver on my pubes. But I have this disease where when someone tells me not to do something I get the overwhelming urge to do it. In my defense, it has been nearly eight years since this rule was instated and I just now did it! I wasn't going to tell him until I heard him turn it on the other morning for his once a week beard trim and I was like "umm, honey, I need to tell you something . . . ."

6. Seriously . . . if one more person tries to aggravate me about the whole dairy thing I am going to freak out. My children drink soy milk because 1. They like it and 2. Milk is made for baby cows. That is the point of it. My children are people, not cows, so I don't really want them to have it. I let them try it, they do NOT like it. There is just as much nutrition in the soy milk. Then when a doctor tells me to make sure they are going to get 3 servings of other dairy, I'm like WHAT? That still comes from milk ding dong. I do let them have one cheese and one yogurt at home because they like it and it doesn't bother me as much as them guzzling 30 ounces of straight milk a day. Sheesh. It's not a big deal people.

7. I am so seriously exhausted. I don't know what the problem is but I am drained. My children have gone on sleep strike this week. It is wearing me out . . . . .

8. My babies, my little bitty boo bears are EIGHTEEN MONTHS old on Saturday. Seriously!?!? How did that happen? Tear. We went to the doc yesterday and here are there stats:

Osh: 24 lbs 13 oz (35th percentile) and 33.25 inches (80th percentile). He also has a big ass head which I already knew because he screams every morning when I put his shirts on.
Ever: 22 lbs 2 oz (19th percentile) and 31.5 inches (47th percentile). She has a peanut head.

The twins are obsessed with slides right now . . .



Sunday, October 16, 2011

The Terrible Almost Two's

Let me run a few things by you:

1. Ever was getting a lecture two out of five drop offs at daycare before I could even leave for work. Once she told a kid "no" as he was coming in for a hug but he did it anyway and she wasn't into it so she hit him. Of course I don't want to be that parent that thinks it's cool their kid "defends" themselves, but seriously, she told him no, right? Anyway, the other time she slowly took each toy this kid had away and by the time he figured it out she looked at him and said "mine." It's weird because she is the second to youngest kid in her class, but the other kids seem SO much younger than her so it doesn't seem right watching them interact together.

2. On two occasions the daycare mentioned Ever's tantrums last week.

3. We now have two windows, an oven and an ottoman decorated with crayon. Mmm hmm.

4. On one night only, Ocean had two tantrums at McDonald's, came home and climbed a chair and dumped soy sauce into my water cup, purposefully sat on Ever until she screamed, and then peed in the hallway.

5. Yesterday the twins completely destroyed the toy room in less than thiry minutes. You actually wouldn't be able to tell if we had hardwoods or carpet in that room.

6. I hear a blood curdling scream while driving and Ocean has Ever's blanket on his lap and he is grinning from ear to ear.

7. I find them both laughing as Ocean is gently brushing Ever's hair with the toilet brush.

8. Ocean screams as Ever reaches across to his high chair and takes all of his food and throws it on the floor.

9. Ever takes too long on the slide, so Ocean feels the need to put his foot on her back and gently kick her down.

10. Ever does not hesitate to whack Ocean, or anyone else, a good one for doing stuff she doesn't want them to do.

We have arrived. The terrible twos decided to visit 6 months early.

On Wednesday night of this last week I about ripped my hair out. I was sitting at the computer when hubby got home from a late night of school and he asked me if I'd like to help him tidy up the house. I screamed at him "NO! I'M RESTING!!" It was that kind of night.

On the other hand, I must admit a lot of this stuff is pretty funny. I am trying so hard not to laugh and I don't really know what to do about it. They are pretty young for any decent kind of discipline. Basically, the #1 most popular word in this house is "no." If anyone has any other ideas, I'd be glad to hear them. Until then I will just continue to try not to laugh (or scream), and hope I don't raise a couple of degenerates.



Thursday, October 13, 2011

Seriously Thursday

Seriously . . . it's only Thursday. It should be Friday. Or even Sunday because that is how far I feel I should be in this week.

Seriously . . . I must be getting really old because I find kids today to be terrible, like one of those old people that say "kids today blankity blankity blank. Back in my day they would never do that." They just get worse and worse! What is wrong these days, huh? Or am I just getting senile?

Seriously . . . the next person who tells me about their suprise pregnancy is getting a mail bomb (just kidding FBI, I don't know how to make those).

Seriously . . . Netflix is killing me. First I got addicted to Mad Men and was totally obsessed. Now I cannot get enough of Friday Night Lights. That show is so awesome! Love it.

Seriously . . . I had smores on a campfire the other night and it was like a little slice of heaven. I like my marshmellows burnt to a crisp. Yummo.

Seriously . . . I"m thinking of starting a Pinterest craft club. How dorky is that on a scale of 1 to 10? Once a week, or every other week, no kids, Pinterest (my favorite thing in the world), making stuff, and probably a touch of alcohol.

Seriously . . . I am considering a second run to the pumpkin patch because we took the monkeys and they had an amazing time just as long as it had nothing to do with pumpkins so I didn't get any pumpkin pictures! It's a tragedy I tell you. But how can pumpkins compete with goats, jump jumps, slides, train rides and dirt digging? They can't.

I seriously stuck my debit card in an ATM machine and left if there almost two weeks ago and STILL haven't received my new card. I hate writing checks. They take forever to clear the account, it's boring, and I want my card back, TODAY!!

My wild man digging in the dirt!


$8 per package organic noodles so delicately placed on Ever's head instead of in her mouth!


Sunday, October 9, 2011


An Amber Alert came on this week saying a child is missing in our area. 9 times out of 10, it's a custody thing. Now it's a major news story and it scared the holy hell out of me.

Not this time friends. The little girl was taken through her bedroom window in the night and there are no clues as to her whereabouts. You probably saw her on the news, Lisa Irwin and she was taken less than 30 miles from my house!

Like every nutbag mom out there, I randomly get up and check on my kiddos. I know it's crazy, but I just like to see them sleeping and also to know they are still breathing. The fact that they are in their cribs is just a given to me, I don't worry that they are missing, just that something randomly might have made them sick or stop breathing or something. So to walk into Ocean and Ever's room and them be gone is just not something I can even think about.

I told hubby that I would like for him to install some barbed wire around the babies' bedroom window. I received a blank and concerned stare as an answer.

Me: Honey, I am 100% serious about this. I'm not kidding.

Hubby: Um, dear, we have an alarm system. Can't we just use that?

Me: No, that just makes noise. Will the alarm system stab someone in the knee cap or scrape their hands off if they try to steal our babies? No it won't. I want physical pain for the person who thinks they are going to take my little monkeys out of their window.

Hubby: Ok.

Then he stared at me some more like a crazy person. I think it's a great idea. If he won't do it, certainly someone wouldn't charge me too much for that, right?

This morning we were all herding outside (the monkeys and me) to get into the car and head to daycare/work. An old lady was walking her dog past my front yard. The twins stopped to stare. Ever spit at them because she has behavior issues, but that's for another post. Then she started asking about if they are twins, how old are they, oh they are so beautiful, etc. I smiled and then she walked away and the light bulb came on. Kidnapper!! I just gave information about my kids in front of my home and she knows the two cutest 17 month olds in the whole wide world live in this very house! I'm screwed! Any smart kidnapper would try to kidnap these two, I mean really. They are adorable times a million.

So then I thought maybe we should get a gun, but then I remembered we are anti-guns and the likelihood that your spouse will kill you with it one day or your child will find and maim or kill themselves with it are statistically way higher than the likelihood we would shoot and kill a home invader. I'm thinking a high powered tazer is the best choice? That way if by some horrible incident when the kids are older and they find it and shoot themselves they will still live but we could definitely stop someone in their tracks if we needed to. Right?

Anyway, this whole thing is so sad and terrible for this family and it has made me totally insane, as you can clearly see.


What Ever does with crayons . . .


This is hubby's physics homework by the way, oops!

What Osh does with crayons . . . . .


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I'm Pleasantly Plump

I'll admit it.

Let's see here . . . after the babies were born I was sick as a dog and didn't want to eat much plus pumping my breastmilks like a maniac which allowed me to lose oodles of weight. It was quite exhilirating in fact. As time neared me going to work I used my elliptical machine semi-regularly.

It all went down the tubes when I returned to work. No more pumping for one thing, which is a calorie burning frenzy. I quit working out as much because I felt guilty for taking time away from the babies after I was gone all day to work out but I was (and still am most days) beyond exhausted from getting babies up and snuggled and on to school and then working all day and then trying to make up for lost time plus doing things I enjoy. I did not want to work out at 9:00 at night, especially when a full night of sleep is STILL (at 17 months old) not guaranteed and I had to get up in the morning and do it all again. Being at work also allowed me time to actually eat food.

I went from being under my first preggo appointment weight quickly to now, on this very day, weighing the same as I weighed when I was FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT WITH TWINS!!! That sucks.

This morning I woke up and thought "good grief, what is the heavy thing on me?" and took a look and it was just my big meaty legs. They are physically heavy and dangly and lumpy. I used to have fabulous legs and get compliments on them all the time. It was quite depressing.

Here are the reasons for my chubbiness:

1. I'm tired. I just want to relax after working all day! I want to lay on the carpet while Ever puts blankets on me and tells me "nigh nigh." I want to throw the ball with Ocean. I want to take them for a wagon ride. I want to take 8 million pictures of them doing whatever they are doing because I think everything they do is cute. I want to watch Netflix and do Pinterest. Yep. I do not want to run. I do not want to do Jillian Michaels. I do not want to use the elliptical. I only work out on the weekends. Maybe.

2. My stomach is severely deformed and scarred from pregnancy. Even if I turned anorexic it would not change the sick shit that is my gut, which isn't really motivating for me to care about doing ab work.

3. I love to eat. I also like the convenience of food that is quick. I don't always have time to pack snacks and lunch after getting myself, my children and my household ready for the day in a timely manner so I eat what I can grab while out or what is laying around at work, which is mostly carbs. I certainly don't want to cook when I get off of work at 6:00 p.m. and don't get home until 6:30 p.m. and bedtime events start in just an hour and a half. No, I do not.

4. I just make excuses and accept my laziness (see #1-3). There isn't much I could really do on the excersize front, but I could eat meal replacement bars or pre-pack my lunches for the week. I could chop up a quick salad for dinner, but instead throw in a pizza or run through the drive through. My dangler is gross and I have to accept that, but I shouldn't use it as a reason to not care about the rest of my body.

I know I could look better and I want to, I just don't really want to put any effort into it. A friend and I were talking and she said "I would kill to have my high school body back." I told her that I think that saying is so bizarre, that we would actually rather take a human life instead of just diet and excersize like we should. Her reply was that it would only take 10 seconds to kill someone and it takes a lot of time and effort to diet and excersize (that's why she is my friend by the way, because she says really funny stuff like that).

I need an attitude change, but don't know where to find it. I look at pictures of skinny people and try to tell myself I need to look like that. Isn't that the big issue in society, that women are supposed to look like people they see in the magazine? I wish I had that problem, but frankly I don't care what those skinny bitches look like.

The biggest thing that motivates me is to remind myself how much more energized I will feel if I lose some weight and eat right. I just can't find the place to start . . . . .

See-food funnel cake!


Dinosaur face