Saturday, November 12, 2011

An In-Between Place

This is an infertility post. It's not funny and it's not about parenting. Weird.

For awhile, being infertile really slipped my mind kind of. I just forgot a little bit. I was way too busy, tired, blessed, overwhelmed with joy having newborn twins and being a new mom to really worry about infertility. If you have been here awhile, I even contemplated giving our frozen baby to someone else (hubby was NOT cool with that idea). I just felt complete.

That has really been wearing away. Hubby and I lost each other for awhile, but have made big strides to get back to where we were before. I am so thankful that we are happy with each other again. The only downfall of being happy and in a great place with hubby is that hubby and I are reminded of all our dreams that we have dreamt up over the last eight years we've been together and those dreams included having three or more kids. Three is what we both really agreed on (although I could definitely do more than that). Hubby said it best: "I love our family. I love our children and they make me so happy. It would just be extra happy to add someone else to our family."

It's so weird to feel so joyous about my children (who are at an amazingly fun age and it just keeps getting better) and yet that nagging feeling like I would really like more of it. The internal struggle is that if Ocean and Ever are my only children that I ever give birth to, I will feel like such a lucky, blessed person. They are beautiful and healthy and smart and I am very in love with them. They have far exceeded my expectations in what being a mommy would be like. Last night Ever and I were snuggling under a blanket watching Sesame Street when she just turned her head around and puckered up for a kiss, so I leaned in and she smooched me and then I cried a few tears of joy because I felt so much love and so lucky.

Oppositely, I am starting to feel sad and jealous when people announce their pregnancies. I feel angry and unsympathetic when people complain to me about being pregnant. I feel like life isn't fair, why can't hubby and I have another baby when other people can do that for free, when they want to? And all of these negative feelings just feel wrong, when the two most amazing things on this planet already belong to me, I should not feel like this. I also feel like a disappointment and a failure for being the weak link who can't get us to where we want to go.

IVF costs $15,000 for one try and we, like many others, have no insurance coverage for any fertility treatment. One try is not guaranteed, we were very lucky with what we got. I don't know that I could go through all of that again. Ocean and Ever are now my number one priority. I can't take away from them and give to something that may not happen and having twins makes it nearly impossible to save money for such an expensive treatment. Besides, money that we have saved we would really like to use to buy a house in a better school district in a few years, not blow it all trying to get pregnant again. I could not do that to my babies.

I've just completed a month of birth control pills and I felt so much better. I didn't have the ups and downs and the issues and the pain and I even dropped a couple pounds without doing anything. It's good to feel better, but sad to know that the only way to feel this way is to be on medication that would prevent us from ever having a natural pregnancy (with our whopping 5% chance of that happening).

So that's my in-between place. Do I accept that life doesn't always happen like we plan it to and move on? Do I not give up and find a way to make our dreams happen?

I can't decide.

In the meantime, the babes and I will just keep having fun together. Due to the stomach bug from Hell that hit Osh and I this week, we got to have a PJ day on Friday. We just hung out all day and had a nice, relaxing time and went from one pair of jammies to the next.




  1. I can't even begin to understand the pain that infertility brings... I'm truly sorry. But I feel like we have a common thread here. While I get pregnant easily, I can't hold my babies in. My 1st was born at 35w and my 2nd at 31. We always wanted 3, but after having 2 premies, the drs advised us to get my tubes tied and not have another. It was the most difficult decision and absolutely heart breaking. But we prayed about it and we knew that God's plan for us was perfect and that we are already SO blessed with 2. How can we turn our noses up at 2 when some people can't even have 1... even after IVF?
    I feel the jealousy too when I see pregnant ladies on the street... it hurts my heart to know that I'll never feel a baby inside me again. But I KNOW without a doubt that this was the right choice for me and my living kids. I must try to be satisfied and content... because I, and you, have it WAY better than a lot of people.

  2. I don't have a good answer for you - but I do totally understand the infertility feelings. And the unfairness, and the jealousy. I'm thinking more and more about another baby, and I have many of the same thoughts. So no assvice to offer, just sitting with you, letting you know you are not alone.

  3. So tough. Maybe you will find yourselves in the better position to do IVF again in the future. You never know what can happen - a new job with better pay, better insurance (my husband's job now has infertility coverage so we can use it on the next go round!) Your body might also reset after awhile on birth control. I've heard of it happening.

    Anyway... enough of the positivity - I know it's annoying. It sucks and I'm sorry and I get it. You're allowed to feel it without the guilt. ((hugs))


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