Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Boys and Girl Stuff

Ever discovered a headband in the guest room this weekend. She calls it her pretty and likes to put it on and wear it around the house. Today she wanted to wear it to school.

Ocean kept grabbing at the pretty and saying "my pretty." I told him that is sissy's pretty. He was sad and wanted a pretty, so I gave him a headband to wear as well. He was so happy. I am talking grinning from ear to ear happy. This mama likes nothing more in this world than to see a grinning, happy nugget. I told him he looked pretty too.

It was time to go to school and Ocean still wanted to wear his pretty. Ever was still wearing her headband so I just couldn't tell him to take it off. I don't know how, and actually don't really feel right, to tell my baby boy that just because he has a weenie he can't wear a pretty. Why can't he? Because society says boys can't? Well, society is dumb so if he's happy he can wear the headband.

As I pulled into the driveway of daycare he was still happy about his headband. I want very much to raise children that can be themselves. If everyone thinks they are dumb, weird, different, a jerk, or whatever "most" people think I want them to think about what they think of themselves and if they feel comfortable with themselves I want them to be that. I want them to be happy with who they are and everyone, despite how our society is, does not have to be the same. Let people talk crap, but be who you are. I want them to have that confidence.

BUT . . . . . I know very well that other people can be the cause of great unhappiness. That they will rain on your parade and make you feel like crap for being who you are because they don't get it. As much as I want them to be confident in themselves no matter what, I also want them to be happy. I realize the kid is only one, but he is such a sensitive boy. Loving, sweet, and sometimes the typical maniac that is a boy kiddo, but also very sensitive. We have to walk through a 4-5 year old room and those kids could very well make fun of him for wearing a headband, in which case I would have to deal with thoughts of wanting to kick a little kid's ass and I just don't want to go there (by the way, for people who can't take a joke, that is sarcasm and I would certainly never kick a 4 year old's ass).

We got out of the car and I said "Osh, do you want to leave your pretty in the car for when we get home?" I waited in great nervousness for his reaction.

"Yep, mommy" was the answer and he threw the headband in his car seat.

I have to admit I breathed a huge sigh of relief. I don't know if I did the right thing, but I left it up to him and we avoided a potentially awkward situation. I felt kind of silly putting that much worry into a headband, but I want to do right by my babies just like all mom's do and I have that intense, primal instinct to protect my nuggets so much that even little decisions like whether or not to wear a headband make me think a little deeper.

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My Oshy boy, wearing fairy wings, a sun hat and a cowboy hat. Love him!


Ever is a jewelry fiend. The girl loves bling! Poor Hubby!

Friday, February 24, 2012

Firm Friday

Starting weight: 158

Current weight: 156.2

Lbs. lost: 1.8

Lbs. to go: 16.2

My workouts this week were:

5 mile outdoor run plus 32 lunges

2 miles outdoor bike ride (hauling my littlest nugget) and push ups, abs

Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30 (that was two days ago and I am still sore)

I did okay with working out, I hoped to do 30 minutes on the elliptical plus core too but didn't get around to it. Ocean had strep this week so we had interesting sleep arrangements all week and I am tired. Jillian kicked my ass, but I noticed that my five mile run seemed easier and faster again. Hubby also commented on how I am looking much more toned! I may not be losing a bunch of weight but I feel stronger for sure.

Food. Ugh. It's no bueno. So . . . . I went to my cleansing class last night. Basically the cleanse is using herbs and a shake that you get as part of the class as well as being . . .wait for it . . .raw vegan for two weeks!!!! I saw that coming. You also join a Facebook group and have a two week follow up meeting so it's like weight watchers for veganism. I know I will feel so good if I do that, so I will be off to Whole Foods and Trader Joes on Sunday to prepare for the first leg of it next week. That two week meeting is also a kicker. I don't want to show up and everyone is glowing and rejuvenated from kicking the toxins and I am still a shlumpa. Peer pressure doesn't typically do anything for me but I am going to do it. I eat crap most of the time and just two months ago I pumped my body full of artificial hormones so a serious cleanse will probably be huge.

Pray for me . . . .and Hubby. I will probably be truly evil by Tuesday, ha!

This is my life for two weeks starting Monday

Did I mention it is also gluten free? Umm, yeah, don't forget me in your prayers tonight!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

A Little Inspiration

As you have all discovered, I am a pessimist. I always think of what the worst possible outcome could be and just plan for that, then if it doesn't happen it feels like winning the lottery because I completely expected the crappy version of the scenario to play out.

I admire people who look at a situation no matter how crappy it is and have a great attitude about it. Heather contacted me because she has been sharing her story of surviving mesothelioma. She has an amazing outlook on everything that happened to her. She was diagnosed when her child was just 3 and a half months old! Can you imagine? I can't. As parents we spend so much time protecting our children that it has hardly crossed my mind what it would be like if I was the one who didn't get to be there for all of their big life events. To deal with those emotions in such a positive way as Heather has is really inspiring.

Here is a word from Heather and a photo of her lovely family:


I've been called many things in this life, but a pessimist isn't one of them. People have always remarked how I could find the silver lining in anything. But when I was diagnosed with a aggressive cancer at just 36 years of age, and only three and a half months after giving birth to my first child, I don't think anyone would have blamed me for losing that optimism. But, I've always believed that life is about finding the reason for what happens in your life, and my cancer diagnosis was when my optimism served me best.

My diagnosis with malignant pleural mesothelioma came on November 21st, 2005. Like all the big events in life, this news came out of left field. Here I was, nurturing a new life, and I was being told that I likely didn't have much of my own left. It was then that I realized that even in this, there's always a choice. Either I lose myself in a storm of anger and grief, and curse the heavens for what was happening to me, or embrace life and turn that anger into passion to fuel me in the fight for my life with my new little girl.

As it turns out, cancer can be the ultimate blessing in disguise. It forces you to examine how you approach every day. For me, humor was the best way to disarm the fear threatening to swallow me whole. It was my key to taking life back on my terms, and how I stopped feeling like a victim. I vowed to use my diagnosis to help others diagnosed with mesothelioma by helping them put the hope back in their lives that I'd been given after being referred to one of the world's leading mesothelioma doctors. And every time I spread a little hope, it brought a little back into my life too.

When my lung surgery date turned out to be Groundhogs Day, 2006, we named the tumor that was to be removed Punxsutawney Phil. That little holiday in February, which we now know as Lungleavin Day, has become a meaningful celebration of life, and the power of hope over fear, for us. Without that cancer, I wouldn't have many of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life. Mesothelioma is much more than a daytime television ad to the thousands of people whose lives have been affected by the disease. We mesothelioma warriors out there are connected by shared experiences, even if we've never met. It's that fact, and a mission to keep all our glasses at least half full, that still give my life a purpose it never had before, and will continue to as long as there are people out there who need it.

If you have a moment, you should check out her blog! It's also a great website if you know of anyone who is struggling with cancer now.


Saturday, February 18, 2012

Some Random for Your Weekend

- I didn't do Firm Friday yesterday because I only worked out once and didn't have a scale where I was sleeping. I wasn't sleeping at my house because I am a pansy and when Hubby travels for business I always think we are going to get robbed and murdered in our sleep. Anyway, I ate a lot less, so that was good!

- Is anyone else weirded out by listening to 911 calls? I thought it was creepy when the whole Michael Jackson business happened, but then the other day on a radio station they had the Demi Moore 911 call playing and I just felt uncomfortable. Is this really our business? Should we be allowed to listen to what is happening in one of the worst moments of someone's life without their consent? I am thinking no. It's creepy. I turned the station.

- I can't tolerate this Bachelor. Seriously. I don't find him very attractive and he is so super boring. He doesn't seem one bit interested in the girls he is on dates with and there is no chemistry, other than his obvious enjoyment of oogling Courtney's goodies. If the women weren't so crazy, I probably wouldn't even watch, but that is good entertainment! On the other hand, thank GOD for the return of Cougar Town. That show is amazing.

-I can definitely see why the Duggar's had 19 kids. Aside from the good lovin' of a big family, my delightful son waits for me while I'm in the shower and then hands me my towel when I am done. Today he stood above me while doing my ab workout and squirted water in my mouth. It's absolutely adorable, but also really cool. I didn't even teach him that! Can you imagine what it's like with 19? You could have someone making lunch, doing laundry, cleaning floors. Seems like a good plan now instead of totally crazy.

-I signed up for another photography class! I have taken a one hour version and this will be four hours plus studio time. I'm really excited! I've always wanted some kind of hobby. Now that we are in toddlerhood I feel so much more rested and able to enjoy nuggets AND enjoy mommy activities.

- My children and I baked a cake together. It was lots of fun. I love strawberry cake with strawberry frosting, it reminds me of being a kid because I always had heart shaped cupcakes of this nature for my birthday. Ocean loves to help in the kitchen. Ever is on the fence about how she feels about it, but she'll eat it. That's my girl.





Enjoy the weekend!!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


Dealing with secondary infertility is much harder than I thought. Partially because of the juggling and the internal conflicts about what is best not just for Hubby and me, but for my beloved nuggets too.

I had hoped for a little compassion, but mostly only found it in the infertile world. Normal people who have kids without treatments find it really difficult to understand. I sort of get where they are coming from and have lowered my expectations about what kind of compassion/sympathy/caring someone should normally expect when they are going through a really tough time and fighting a disease because most people don't look at infertility that way (even though that's what it is), especially now that I have been doubly blessed.

A few days ago I was getting my hair done. I had told her about the FET because she is pretty anonymous and I got my hair done right before the FET was underway. She asked about it. I told her the result and we talked about it a little. All of a sudden I started crying. I told her how lonely and abandoned and unsupported I feel and how much harder it is than I had ever thought seeing ourselves in that embryo growing and alive and then it was just gone, with no back up plan, and it really isn't financially wise for us to try again, so now I am just trying to live with it, and it's hard. I just need some time to get things back on track.

I stopped and she was looking at me. I was flooded with embarassment. To my surprise, she gave me a hug.

Then she did something even more surprising. She told me that she knows I love my twins dearly, but there is nothing wrong with having the love and desire in my heart for more children and there is nothing wrong with feeling pain because I am not able to do it easily, or very possibly, at all, ever again.

I was so totally shocked. She is not infertile like me. Very few peoople that I know in real life whom are not infertile have ever said those things to me or ever intimated that they even grasp the concept. That one sentence made such a huge difference to me because I felt validated. People are always trying to guilt me out of my grief, or belittle it, and it is so confusing. To know that people who haven't walked this road can understand where I come from and offer compassion that would lighten my load a little bit was a huge blessing to me.

As if that weren't enough, several hours after I left, I received a text from her saying that she would be there for me anytime I wanted to talk about it. Is she even real? How could someone be so caring?

I thought I was just going to get a new 'do, but my soul got uplifted as well.


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Vday and Bday

Today is Valentine's Day! Swoon over these adorable valentine's . . . .




I asked Osh Man several times if he would be my valentine and he said no or nope always. Luckily, Ever accepted my request on the first try.

I also turned 28 today. That means I have 729 days left in my 20's. No worries friends, I still got carded tonight! Woo hoo!

This day was very nice. Simple and nice.

1. I put balloons on the babes chairs and they each got a Toy Story doll. We ate donuts with red sprinkles together. They were so excited!

2. My kiddos at work surprised me by singing happy birthday out of the blue. It was very sweet.

3. My mom brought me some cake and put my dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

4. Hubby and I went to eat junk at Buffalo Wild Wings and I had a couple really yummy cocktails.

5. We did a mini-shopping trip.

6. Hubby got me (well, us) bike seats for the kids so we can take the nuggets cycling! I am really excited about that one!

I ended the day with snuggles. I asked once more if my sugar crazed boo bear son would please be my valentine when I tucked him in. He was pretty tired, so he just shook his head no one that one. He likes to play hard to get. I'll get him next year.


Curse daycare for the box of suckers they brought home! These nuggets love suckers!

Friday, February 10, 2012

Firm Friday

Starting weight: 158

Current weight: 156.6

Lbs. lost: 1.4

Lbs. to go: 16.6

My workouts this week were:

5 mile outdoor run (in only 45 minutes, woo hoo)

A 40 minute outdoor run with core and lunges

2 30 minute cardio sessions on the elliptical and core

I definitely made my goal! I really want to add in my Jillian DVD, but I can't find that thing anywhere!

On the other hand, my eating was disgusting again. I even ate cupcakes for breakfast once. Ouch. I have a plan for next week, except Tuesday which is my birthday and also Valentine's Day. I was born early on the day of love because the Lord knew how lovable I would become and it just fit so well. Ahem. If I don't eat better next week, I am officially a loser. Hubby says I just need to stop eating my emotions. But a good cry and a box of gourmet cupcakes is honestly better than a therapy session! Not for my health, but it has the same impact. I'm going to buck up this week though you guys. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it . . . . . .

My dangler of mush has never set off the metal detector, but that dumb bobby pin I forgot about did.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Mrs. Crafty Pants

I am not a domestic goddess. No, I am not.

My house is always messy.

I think cooking sucks big ones.

I would always rather buy or pay someone else to do something if it saves me time.

I found these little numbers on Pinterest.

Source: etsy.com via Ashley on Pinterest

So freaking cute, right? Well . . . you can buy them on Etsy. They are $32.99. This seller is super creative and these are adorable, but this poor mama is on a budget that doesn't allow for $33 for just two shirts. Especially two shirts that will have food and dirt all over them and be ruined in no time by the tornado twins that destroy everything.

A friend suggested a crafting and wine night. I mostly heard the "wine" part so I said "of course!" I was planning on making shadow boxes with the twins newborn stuff. Shadow boxes are ALWAYS on sale, always. Always except Saturday. I remembered the above photo.

I bought two shirts which were 30% off 2.99, I bought half a yard of fabric that was on sale for 30% off, ribbon for the necklace portion which was 50% and I bought the adhesive paper for the fabric which was not on sale but I had a 40% off coupon.


Two adorable shirts were made very easily AND they were less than $10 before taxes. Boo yah!! It would be better if they were sewn on too, but again, not a domestic goddess so I don't have the skills. Maybe someday.

My gorgeous nuggets wearing their new shirts.


Saturday, February 4, 2012

Back at the ER

We have decided that our favorite place to go is the ER, since we have been there about once a month since October. First Ever got croup that was misdiagnosed as an enlarged heart at a walk-in clinic (for the love of God!!), then we realized that Ever is allergic to tree nuts, and then it was Ocean's turn this past week.

Wednesday evening I picked him up from daycare and he was snotty, but okay. The weather was gorgeous so we went on a walk and played at the park and looked at the ducky's on the pond. We always see the ducks from the Jeep, so they were both grinning ear to ear looking at them up close and hearing them talk. Then we looked at the moon, which Ever loves to do nightly, then went home. We ate dinner and he started getting a little whiney. I took his temp and it was 101 so I gave him some meds. I went upstairs to get their stuff and came down and then was doing stuff in the kitchen. 45 minutes from the temp and meds before, he was trying to stay awake but he couldn't. His lips were totally dried out and his cheeks were flushed and cracked. I took his temp again and it was up to 104.5.

Like any great mother, I panicked.

I put his coat on and Ever's coat. I told Ever we had to hurry, hurry, hurry. I put Ocean in his car seat. He couldn't keep his eyes open and he was crying and crying. Ever came running out of the house with my cell yelling "Mommy, you phone, you phone!" I swear, that little girl knocks my socks off sometimes with how smart and observant she is. I grabbed her and the diaper bag and didn't even turn off lights or lock the door and we hauled ass to the ER, which luckily is only two minutes from our house.

I always wonder why they call the emergency room the emergency room. It should be called the "you-better-hope-you-don't-actually-have-an-emergency-or-you're-going-to-die-soon" room. After waiting awhile and watching my son slip in and out of awakeness and moaning and crying, I asked them how long it would be. She said they were busy, although I didn't see a nurse doing a damn thing. I won't repeat what I responded with, but we were called back shortly after that. Hubby was in class so I was on my own, but he arrived right as we were put in a room.

It breaks a mama's heart to see your baby get an IV, blood drawn, swabbed in the nose and throat and a bag put on his little wee wee for a urine sample. I hated it. Ever was such a good girl through the whole thing, I was very proud of her. We didn't have any answers yet and they were thinking of keeping him overnight. It was 10:30 and Ever was starting to lose it so I took her home for jammies and night night and my mom met us there.

When I left at 10:30 Ocean was still in bad shape. When I arrived at midnight, he was alert, happy and throwing graham crackers all over the room. I was so relieved. The fluids and ibuprofen made a big difference, then they put a full bag of antibiotics in his IV. He was watching Yo Gabba Gabba on the iPad so I walked over to hug, smooch, and snuggle Hubby. Ocean put down the iPad and looked at us and said "scuze me." Ha! I guess we were only supposed to be paying attention to him.

Anywho, they found some pre-mature strain of something in his blood stream and they weren't sure if it was a virus or bacteria, but they wiped it out good. We got home at 1:30 a.m. and snuggled in bed watching Madagascar 2. He slept so good and all night. We didn't get up until 8:45 the next day and then pediatrician cleared him.

I've been trying to tell the kids if they stop going to the ER we could really do some fun things. For the $150 ER co-pay we could spend the night at Great Wolf Lodge, get a year long pass to our fave place, the Children's Edutainment Center or even a year long pass to the zoo. But if they would prefer to continue going to ER to get stuck full of needles, I guess that's what we'll be doing!

Yee haw, ride the kitty!



Friday, February 3, 2012

Firm Friday

Starting weight: 158

Current weight: 157.3

Lbs lost: .7 (Gain from last week!! I gained 1.1 pounds, ouch)

Lbs to go: 17.3

I achieved my workout goal and did one 5 mile run plus 32 lunges and two other workouts consisting of a 30 minute elliptical and core.

I tanked miserably in the eating department. On Sunday I had ice cream TWICE! Once at a froyo place and then once with cake for a birthday. Monday I ate like poo. Tuesday and Wednesday I did pretty well. Yesterday I ate like crap, tons of carbs. I was home all day with a sick boo and I baked a cake and banana bread so that was dumb. The only thing I have done okay at is breakfast, switching from whatever the kids are having to green tea and Grape Nuts. Otherwise, I suck and that is probably why I gained. I bought a cleanse through a homeopathic place and I need to do it because it will make a big impact and that always helps with the sugar cravings. The downside is I will be grouchy as hell and I probably won't feel well the first few days. I am planning on the last week in February because my birthday is in a few weeks and also I have work stuff that will not time well with me being grouchy and sick.

Good news: My butt is not actually smaller by any means, but it is lifted up a touch, probably thanks to running and lunges. I am supposed to be running 7 miles this weekend, but I think I will have to 5 mile it for one more weekend.

My goals this week are to eat better (this is proving to be much harder than I thought) and do a 5 mile run and two workouts. I would really love to do one additional workout, maybe some Gillian Michaels for 30 minutes, but we will see how it goes.

WHAT? It's so fun to complain about how I'm fat while eating strawberry cake with extra frosting. For serious. I can't imagine a life without desserts, but I can imagine a life without my love handles.