Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Dear Daughter: A Pee Tale

Dear Daughter,

My love for you is endless and all encompassing. I am going to tell you a tale that is surely a highlight of those feelings.

We were invited to a lovely party at a water resort. It is about a 40 minute drive from our home. This party was during nap time so I was hoping you'd get a little shut eye on the way there. Just a few moments before we arrived, you fell asleep, into your precious sweet girl slumber.

I decided we would stay in the car for awhile because we were early and you could get another 20 minutes of a nap. I really, really, really had to pee, but you looked so content to be sleeping that I didn't want to wake you and decided to hold it while Osh man and I played in the front seat of the car.

Ten minutes later, I was physically aching because I had to pee so bad.

In order to go inside this water park, I would have to carry you, your brother, and two bags inside and through a hotel to find the bathroom. I knew that you would not be happy to be yanked out of the car when you were sleeping so peacefully. I knew your brother would not be happy to run after mommy all that way.

I looked for a good place to go potty outside, but this parking lot was on a main street across from homes and there were large windows into the water park where everyone would see your Mommy's hiney. I was at a point where I absolutely had to go. So I grabbed a diaper from the diaper bag . . . .

I placed that diaper into my pants. Your brother asked "what you doing Mommy?" several times. Mommy is not the size of a toddler so I had to hold the diaper in place with my hands. I slowly started peeing in that diaper. My kidneys were aching badly, so I just let it rip and peed as fast as I could.

Warmth filled my hand and it felt really bizarre. Note to Mommy self: Potty train these children! This feels disgusting! Once I was done I pulled the diaper out of my pants and rolled it up. My kidney's were still hurting so bad that I had to get up and stand outside of the car.

That is when I noticed the gigantic pee spot on my car seat. I peed my pants. My butt was covered in pee and my car has adult, human pee in it.

And still, you were sleeping so well.

It was time for the party and I didn't want you to miss it because I peed my pants, so I put on the back pack, grabbed our second bag and your brother, and gently carried your sweet little body into the water park.

So, my dear daughter, in 14 years from now when you are screaming at me and telling me how much I don't love you because I won't let you date the tattooed high school drop out who is surely going to find great success someday with his awesome band because formal education just isn't for him, just remember this: I PEED MY PANTS FOR YOU! Not only that, but I walked into a party with an elephant sized Mommy pee stain all over my back because size 4 diapers aren't meant for Mommy's and I wanted you to be able to go to the waterpark as I know you love swimming.

Yes my dear, that is true love.

Love forever,

My little diva out shopping with me!




Saturday, April 14, 2012

Sweet Love

My son is high maintenance. He always has been. With great guilt I can even remember a very sleep deprived moment where I thought I might have to take him to the fire station and leave him at the anonymous infant drop off.

The boy is almost two and he rarely goes to bed without a fight. He cries and wants to be held and snuggled. We never did any type of sleep training with them, even though everyone under the sun told us to do it and how it would change our life.

Osh man was crying and carrying on again after bedtime. I tried to ignore him, but each time without fail I end up in his room trying to comfort him. He mostly prefers Hubby to do this, but in sheer desperation he will settle for me.

I walked in and he reached up to me. I did the other sin of not only going in there instead of letting him cry, but removing him from his bed. He wrapped his arms around my neck and I kissed him on the head. I laid him acrossed my chest and rocked him back and forth and sang him some songs.

I do this against my better judgement because my babies are both growing so fast. I know that well before I am ready, some girl will be wrapping her arms around my boy's neck and he will find his comfort in her. When that happens I am going to want more than anything to go back in time, to this time, when I get to rock him in my arms and watch his beautiful eyes close and his amazing lashes fall across his cheeks. His mouth falls open and he starts to snore, all while keeping his little hand clutched to my shirt so he knows Mommy can't go anywhere. I give him all the comfort he needs and make him feel safe. It is the greatest feeling.

No one has invented that time machine yet, so every night when I know I should be teaching him patience and it is a real pain in my rear to have to go in there several times before he falls asleep, I still find joy in it. My little loves won't be little forever. Even though I am excited to see what they grow up to be, I want to immerse myself in these small moments that are flashing before my eyes.

One week from tomorrow my little nuggets will be two!




Thursday, April 12, 2012

I Get It Dude

Hubby is in school several nights a week and long story short, it sucks. I have no idea how single parents do it, but they are awesome.

On one of these days, I picked up my children, much later than when Daddy can pick them up on his days, and we went to get dinner. I try to refrain from taking them to eat myself because they are heathens and seem to be more intimidated when there are two parents around and especially when that parent is not me. There are plenty of nights that if I had a choice between cooking and letting someone shoot me in the foot and then give me food, I would let the person shoot me. Since there is no need for such violence, we went to Panera Bread.

I was holding Peanut while ordering, and Osh man was behind me slapping me on the ass saying "mommy" over and over again while doing it. I gently tapped him on the head a few times and said "no Oshy, not nice, be a nice boy." once he was satisfied with ass slapping, he moved on to reorganizing the pastries. While still ordering, I kept putting things back from where he was moving them. I retrieved my wallet and the man behind me stepped up to put something back that Osh had moved.

"You have so much patience," he said.

I get it dude. You're trying to tell me any other person would discipline their kid or not even take them out. I totally get it, but that was a really nice way of saying it.

"Oh, I'm not patient, I'm just completely crazy," I said, and then I smiled pretty for him. Like any smart person who just heard someone admit they are crazy, he walked away immediately.

Was that the end of the shenanigans? No, it sure wasn't. This was the eve of the Kansas and Kentucky playoff so of course my nuggets were rocking their Jayhawk gear. We sat down in a booth together and because the cushions had the slightest bit of spring to them they began jumping, then yelling out " KUUUU!" as loudly as possible. Some KU fans thought it was cool, but everyone else did not.

"Please stop that and eat."


"Shhh. Let's eat our yummy food and be quiet."


I leaned over and whispered " you need to stop this or I will have to spanking your butt."

Silence, ahhh. I was just about to be proud of myself when this yelling began:


For real. I might have to actually read a parenting book or something before you see us all on the news.

Speaking of heathens, it's never good to find two toddlers with their pants around their ankles, laughing hysterically while repeatedly flushing the potty.



It makes it harder that they are so stinking adorable!!

Monday, April 9, 2012

All Kinds of Stuff

-On the health front I have been getting lots of compliments about how much weight I have lost. Do you want to know how much weight I have lost? NONE! It's kind of annoying but it is nice that people are starting to notice. Hopefully I'm losing fat and gaining muscle. That is what I'm going to tell myself.

-As part of my "getting back to my old self" initiative I have been doing things I like to do besides working out. I went shopping sans children with a friend and then out to the movies in one day. I love my children dearly, but shopping with them is a nightmare. The other thing is reading. I love and always have loved to read. I have recently read The Hunger Games trilogy like every other human being on the earth, The Night Circus (awesome) and Sing You Home (depressing for me, but still good). I got on the New York Times Bestseller list and Fifty Shades of Grey is the number one book plus the other two. It's a trilogy. I though ah, what the hell, it's number one so it must be interesting. Well . . . . it's porn. Dirty, explicit, kinky, don't miss a dirty detail porn. Wow, America. You never fail to shock me! Did I continue to read it, you might ask? Of course I did! Hello! I'm an old married lady now.

- Speaking of porn, do you know how many people Google "donkey sex?" Seriously . . . not cool. I had a ton of pageviews just due to my donkey sex titles. I think I am going to change it. What do you think I should change it to? Freaking perverts. Listen guys, I'm all up for different strokes for different folks and what happens in your bedroom is your business but DAMN! Donkeys? Really? I don't get it! You know what is equally as scary? The fact that many of the people who have arrived here via google search don't know how to properly spell "donkey." Donkee anyone? No?

-I am addicted to Pinterest. Duh. You know that already. The problem is that my addiction has lead me to believe that I should have our whole family to my house for Easter. And make center pieces. I need a pintervention! Good news: I kicked Easter ass in my feast for 9 people and didn't even burn the house down!

- How stunning does Lauren Conrad look on the cover of Glamour? I don't know why, but everytime I am in line at the store and I see this it just awes me.

Source: via MTV on Pinterest

- I love my kids so much. They are so funny and smart! We are on the eve of making some big kid changes like toddler beds, potty training, ditching the bottle. I'm afraid. Very afraid.

We found a slimy slug on our doorstep. That is a huge deal in toddler world!





Until of course we found the baby bunny in the yard. That was a BIG deal!

P.S. Yes, my doorstep needs cleaning. No, I probably won't do it. Judge away, my friends, judge away.