Mom's Over Chicks (For Now)

Hubby surprised me on a Friday night by saying he really felt like going to the mall. Trust me, that is weird. We aren't big shoppers these days anyhow but it was fun to go out and do something all together. We did our usual round of stores, food, then play area.

Osh man is not into people or kids. He likes his space. He tells me all the time that he doesn't like friends and he doesn't want to make friends. When we go places Ever has become a major social butterfly. Her main goal is to make some friends to play with.

Shockingly, the hubs and I looked over and two little girls were playing with Ocean. This is the second time that some girls have been googily eyed over my boy. The first was a precious moment when a little girl just kept staring at him smiling. She finally asked his name, to which he replied "I don't bemember" and rolled his eyes. I told her his name is Ocean. She said "oooh, that is a so handsome name." Shut up, it's a true story and it was so cute I almost died.

This time was a whole different ballgame. The two girls were chasing him all around. Thankfully he was smiling. Finally, one of the little girls bowed the other little girl, got a lead, and grabbed Osh by the hand and walked all over the play area with him. My jaw about hit the floor. Hubby was laughing, mostly at me. Osh got loose and went running again. I stood up and he ran to me and said "pick me up!" I picked him up so the little girl ran off.

Hold on to your tissues for what happened next.

Osh grabbed my cheeks and looked me in the face. He said "thanks Mom, I needed that."

I know.

This and That

Wow, I blogged one time in November and it was about Halloween.

Here is the rundown:

- Blogging is hard even though it shouldn't be because I don't have a day job. Sometimes I have to pay attention to my kids. Sometimes I have to clean my house. The butterball LOVES turning the computer on and off mid important computer tasks. And have I ever mentioned how slow my internet it? It's super slow. This is a combination for no blogging ever.

- Our life is boring, in a wonderful way that I couldn't be happier about. When people say "it's the little things" that basically describes our life. Coloring. Building forts. Snuggles. Making messes. Waiting patiently once a week to watch the trash truck come by (the trash man waved at the kids today, that was a BIG deal).

- The butterball turns one in less than two weeks. What . . . the . . . *beep*. How did this happen? He was just born! It really crept up on me. I am F- mom because I planned the twins first birthday for months and I haven't done anything for his yet. We are just having family over. I am going to find a way to make it special, albeit small, and last minute.

- Our house is still on the market. I can't describe how ridiculous it is trying to have a "show ready" house when there are three messy nuggets inhabiting it every second of the day. We use our weight in Magic Erasers.

- I am working a part time job. It's fun for the most part. It's nice to get out of the house and hang with other adults. I would prefer to do that for fun but you know, student loans. They're a bitch.

- The twins are really full of it these days. They are so funny. They are great at playing pretend and come up with some whoppers. Peanut loves to mother her baby brother. Osh loves to go outside alone for a long time and do boy things. Watching them go from babies to people is the strangest thing I have ever done, but also the coolest.

- I'm still super chubby post baby,  but I am having a hard time finding the motivation to care about it. So I bought bigger clothes and moved on. I am still breast feeding and would love to have smaller boobs though, these things are out of control.

- Hubby and I are doing our best with each other. He works full time, goes to college and also does extra work. I work and he watches the kids evening and weekends. If I am not working he is doing his extra work. Basically, we never see each other. It's tough.

That's it. Boring.

Raising Non-Christians

I wasn't sure if I should post this or not. Most people who know me know that I am not a Christian, but most people I know are Christians. I decided to go ahead and post this because regardless of mention of religion I read many other blogs and keep it respectful so I am crossing my fingers that I will receive the same in return. I may lose followers and people might get mad, but it is what it is.

I was raised Catholic in my early years. I enjoyed my time at church and the extracurriculars involved. I still remember my CDC teacher and how I thought he was a great guy.  I went to vacation bible school. I received Holy Communion.

You probably think I am about to tell you some horror story that drove me away, but I have none. I have a lot of respect for the Catholic faith in that it seems to stick to the book, which I like. That gets to one reason why I started losing faith, I'm not sure I understand the point in fervently following a book that you don't really follow in action. Basically, as I grew older, I began to look around and things just didn't sit well with me. It was just a simple matter of me not believing what I was hearing. It didn't make sense and frankly, not only did some things not make sense, they seemed flat out wrong.

Now I am a mother in a world where people have no boundaries whatsoever. I also live in the Midwest at the tail end of the Bible Belt and while all non-Christians are a minority, non-Christians in this area are quite rare. I know with 100% certainty that people will begin their plight to convert my children, judge them and their parents, or put a general sense of unnecessary fear into them as soon as they can. Because of this, Hubby and I have thought long and hard about what we need to instill in our children as they venture out on their own into the world.

1. Respect. We do not believe in the Christian faith, but that never gives us a right to be disrespectful from the get go toward people presenting these beliefs to us. I do think it's okay to get what you give, so if people are disrespecting us if we cannot tolerate it to a certain degree, do what you will. You may notice that I don't say "raising non-Jews" or "raising non-Muslims" or "raising non-Buddhists." I have never in my life had anyone from any non-Christian religion attempt to convert me or repeatedly say negative or derogatory things about other people like Christians do so it isn't as big of an issue.

There is a park behind my house and a woman who routinely tries to convert me to Christianity while we play there. I always listen to her because I have identified her as one of two types of people who do this. There are people who do this simply because they feel the love of the Lord and they want you to feel it and they want to see you in Heaven. We don't believe this and we don't agree with it, but I do feel that it comes from a good, innocent place so being respectful is very important. I never say anything rude or challenging to her because she isn't being rude or challenging to me so although we don't believe what she is saying, I take no offense to her behavior.

A big reason for why I am not Christian is I feel there are many people who try to convert you to their religion not out of kindness or goodness, but because they are bullies. Maybe not even bullies all the time, but insecure people who need to belong to a majority group so that they feel validated in their personal life choices at best, and religion giving them a place to control others or feel superior at worst. This is completely unacceptable to us and  this type of behavior is not acceptable in my household. We will teach our children that this behavior is wrong and people like this are not good and it's okay to stay away from them.

But we want to do our best to foster respect for others and their differences when they are doing non-harmful behaviors towards us. There will be no making fun of or even really worrying about people praying in public. We will not be offended by non-offensive or non-discriminatory Christian paraphernalia like t-shirts, road signs or sayings that people tell us. These things are okay, it is okay for people to express their faith in non-harmful ways and we should meet these things with respect for others' beliefs.

2. Understanding. I already mentioned that we will teach our children to understand that there are different types of reasons people will try to convert them to their religion. Something else that I believe is that everyone has varying needs of spirituality. Science has even documented things like this. For people who need a structured form of spirituality, this can be a huge benefit to that type of person and that's okay! I am not an outright Atheist, but Hubby is. I won't try to relay the type of spirituality that I feel or that is good for me because it's hard to explain, especially in a heavily indoctrinated society that we live in, but it is what works for me. We want to teach our kids to explore their spirituality because we do understand that their spiritual needs could be different than ours. But . . . they currently live in our house so we will raise them to believe (or not believe) what we believe and don't believe. There are some Christian teachings that we think are immoral and wrong and we will teach them that because that's our right as parents. We want them to have an understanding that people are different and need different things. While it's not okay to participate in immoral behaviors (by our moral standards), it is okay to accept people for their differences and let it go. Most people are going to be different than us, that doesn't make us wrong, that's just how it is and we need to understand that we can agree to disagree and continue to do what we feel is right.

3. Education. I have seen the trailer for this movie posted several times on Facebook and I will honestly say that I find the premise of this movie disturbing.

http://www.godsnotdeadthemovie.com/

I have a degree in the liberal arts and took a ton of classes in liberal teachings, including religious classes for electives. All my religious classes were taught by an Atheist. He did not display any of this anger or rage that I have seen in this type of up and coming view of educators in liberal colleges. Not even kind of. I am sure this happens somewhere at sometime,  but I think that by and large this is a made up construct of the religious right to explain why educated people are less likely to be Christian. This angry lead character trying to take away everyone's faith is not something I have personally experienced and to be frank, I think it may very well be a crock of poo and I don't believe it. I do think there is a reason that educated people are less likely to be involved in doctrine based Christian religion, but I won't go there because it may be offensive to some. I can certainly say it is not due to angry professor's forcing people to write "God is Dead" on their papers or they get an F in the class. Honestly, this is another example of the type of thing that drives me away from religion as far and fast as I can get away from it. Part of this disrespect of people who aren't Christian and blatant, yet widely accepted, lying about their characters is a reason we find some forms of Christianity immoral. The other part of that immorality is when Christians attempt to restrict the rights of others based on their own views which are not known truths to all. We are not okay with that.

Education is a big deal in our house and will be. We will teach our kids that going to college is very important and it will be an expectation. Learning of any type is important to us. I plan on possibly taking my kiddo's to a Unitarian Universalist church when they are older because I feel they will get a great education on various religions from an unbiased and open minded source. I will encourage them to listen to their friends when the time is right. Learning is good. That doesn't mean that everything we hear is correct, but it is good to learn and be educated on what is going on around us and that includes the religious practices of others.

We are raising our children to not be Christian. We are teaching them values that we have. I know this may come as a shock, but non-Christians also have values and morals. We don't sacrifice babies or worship the Devil and we also don't hate or have intentions on destroying the Christian faith and Christian people. We are teaching them right from wrong. We are also teaching them to respect others. Just because someone is Christian doesn't mean they are stupid (we will assign stupidity on an individual basis, ha) and even though people are likely to tell my children they are wrong, going to Hell, are heathens, have no morals, we will be sure that they know otherwise.

That Time I Lost the Twins in Target

Taking three small children to the store, any store, sucks. I work evenings and weekends so the odds of me finding the time to go to the store alone are so slim I don't count on it ever happening. Target is so kind as to provide an ample supply of the carts that fit three kids. Aldi's also has carts that are good for multiple children therefore they are the main two places that we shop (yes, food snobs, I didn't say Whole Food's, we shop at Target and Aldi's, THE HORROR). Aldi's isn't terrible because it is small but by the time we leave Target I need a case of beer or a Xanax or a weekend trip to myself. The kid's also tell me all the time "mommy, you have your hands full" because they have heard it so many times in public.

After a long and tedious Target trip that would take me 30 minutes max by myself, but has taken me nearly an hour and a half with the three littles we are finally ready to check out. I have mistakenly left out one jar of baby food to go towards my coupon that I brought. I let the lady at the register know that I am going to go grab one more, my two kids are in the cart and I will be right back. I tell the twins "do not get out of this cart, Mommy will be right back, stay right here."

Famous last words.

Baby and I run, literally, to the baby food aisle, which really isn't actually that far from the register. I grab the jar of food and run back to, you guessed it, not twins in sight.

I asked the lady where my kids are and she said "what kids?"

Alright, I know it is not her job to babysit my children but I would expect any decent human being to not watch two kids run away and not say a word so I must say, WHAT THE FUCK.

I turn out back into the open space behind the registers and start looking for signs of them. I don't see them anywhere. I start to panic. Obviously someone kidnapped them because they are so exceptionally attractive, smart and funny so I feel like I am about to pass out. I start briskly walking through the store calling out their names. People are staring, of course.Luckily, I started hearing "mom, where are you?" in the produce section.

I grabbed them and gave them hugs. Ever was really not phased at all. Ocean was in complete and total panic mode. When Ocean gets embarrassed he freaks out. He threw himself on the floor. I picked him and told them both sternly that I had told them to stay in the cart and I was so sad they didn't follow directions.

The peak of the action came when Ocean yelled out "but I fought you was a good mom!! you left us!" Crap. Really. People are totally staring now and one lady is giving me the worst look ever. I almost had a word with her but figured we looked bad enough already so I let it go.

There you have it, the first time I lost my children in public.

SAHM vs. Working Mama

Before I post this, it is NOT about other people. It is only about me and my observations about myself, I absolutely do not think that one is superior to the other and everyone should be the same. I don't think there is any difference at all in kids who are raised by a SAHM or a two parent working household. For real. 

I spent two and a half years as a full time working mom to twins. I have now spent about 9 months as a stay at home mom to three. The initial adjustment was really tough. My self worth completely changed. My bank account really changed. Trying to figure out how to stay on a schedule and not stay in my pj's all day was hard. As much as I love my kids with all my heart, having them in my face all day was hard too. I was so jealous of SAHM's who had someone to clean their house or a nanny or daycare a few days a week. The change was hard on Hubby too, being the sole provider is a big deal.

There was no turning back though. Daycare for three littles is over $2,000 a month. Unless I got a kick ass job, SAHM is how I need to be.

Let me please say with all seriousness, I absolutely love it. I love it. I can't even think of going back to work full time. I currently work part time to help out a little with finances but to also be able to afford some extras and it is such a great balance. For me, making the comparison, life is so much easier. I don't struggle to get all the kids ready and drop them off anywhere. I don't have to worry about carefully saving up my sick days for the dreaded winter season when we are sick constantly. We can make doctor's appointments any time of day. We can meet with friends. We can hop in the car and go to the library, the park. We can stay in our jammies all day. My house is clean and we eat at home. We aren't rushed and I don't have to count every second because I have so many more seconds in the day.

I love listening to all the crazy things the twins are coming up with. I love watching them explore things. We are doing some homeschool and that is fun for me too. I love snuggling the baby at my leisure. Taking naps with him. We are still nursing and it is now pretty stress free and also cheap.

Of course there are times when I feel frumpy and gross. There are times when I feel like I am just a college educated maid and butt wiper. There are times when I think I may go postal if I hear one more "mommy, mommy, mommy" or whining or step on another toy. But mostly I love it and I feel so lucky I am getting this opportunity.

This week I wanted to pick up some more hours at my part time job to cover some expenses coming up. I didn't even have to get there until 1:45 in the afternoon and getting the kids ready, trying to wake up because the baby fed all night long and I was exhausted, having to change right before leaving because the baby smeared avocado all over me, dropping the kids off and then we only have one car that everyone fits in so trying and unsuccessfully switching cars with Hubby before getting to work so he could pick up the kids (he was pissed) was a hot mess. It put a lot of things into perspective!

Right now I'm knee deep in SAHM-hood and loving it. It will more than likely not change until the twins are in Kindergarten or higher due to daycare costs. I am definitely thinking of what I need to do now to make sure I have a chance at a job when they are older (part time, school hours only please???) because we all know taking yourself out of the workforce is a huge step backward. At the same time, it is giving me the opportunity to think about what I can do to enter a different field of work, so there are many positives to my new lifestyle.

I might be high on snuggles though.

Enjoying our last bits of warm weather. 

Sunday Confessional

• Everyone is talking about how excited they are for football season. I have to admit, I don't care about football. I don't care about football teams, football players, football clothes, football weather, chicks that pretend they like football for their spouses. No, I am not interested.

• I am so addicted to Thug Kitchen. When the word "motherfucker" is in a recipe, it just makes want to cook stuff all the more. Look it up on Facebook. 

• This is a big one. I feel almost dirty saying it, but I do like the name North. It's true. I like it a lot better than the name George. And to be honest, I like the name Poop better than the name Paisley. I hate that name. That's not a current celebrity kid's name (that I know of) but I have heard it a lot lately.

• I have a problem with food. My doctor said I should actually be a lot plumper than I am. I feel like I would like to be skinny, but I don't want to do anything to accomplish it. If I could be skinny by reading books and eating an entire dirt cake that Osh man and I made off of Pinterest, I would be down,  but I don't want to do anything because I am so lazy about it right now. And lately, this is the worst part, I am okay with it. I'm okay the way I am and I don't freak out about it. I know. Crazy. I'm still so tired that it can't be the priority. The only problem is that I have signed up for a half marathon so if I don't lose weight this extra 20 is going to kill me. You heard me right. I am packing more than 20 lbs of my usual weight!!!! Motivation, where are you?

• I forget to respond to texts and emails because I respond to them in my head and forget to do it in reality. I'm not sure if that's normal, but it happens almost everyday.

• My one major sanctimommy issue is milk. I don't think people should be drinking milk. But I NEVER say that to anyone's face unless they ask or criticize them after they do it so that makes me feel less sanctimommy-ish. I constantly get asked why they don't drink milk. I always respond "because they aren't cows" and people look at me like I'm as asshat. Oh well.

• Among other things that I dislike, Dancing with the Stars is one of them. I don't get it. Why do people like that? I'm serious, someone tell me.

• I don't know why people did this, but I had a lot of mom's tell me when they had kids really close together that it is just like twins or worse than twins. I found this either boring or annoying or just silly to compare. Now that I have a singleton I can give you an official verdict: I don't care what is going on, a singleton is a million times easier than twins. It's awesome. Singletons are great. So are twins. But singletons are easier. Nash sleeps just as bad as the twins and it's still way, way, way easier. 

Adventuring

I took full advantage of the fact that it is summertime and I don't work full time and we took an almost four week adventure!

First, the twins, Nash and I went on a road trip with my Mom. We drove for halfway to Colorado and stayed in a hotel. The twins will go anywhere that has a pool and they were thrilled to get some swimming in. The twins will also go anywhere that has a movie they can watch, so they are awesome road trippers as long as the DVD's are rolling. Nash isn't really thrilled with car rides, but he did pretty okay.

We then went up to visit my aunt who lives in the mountains. The twins were in LOVE. The smell and the trees and the mystery of the woods, they couldn't get enough. We visited family and had a lot of fun eating and playing and exploring.

Denver was the next stop on our list. We visited another friend, got to meet up with another infertile friend and relaxed. I also stopped by my mother ship that calls from all over, IKEA. I love that cheap mecca of bright and shiney home goods.

Our last road trip stop was to a family reunion. Before we even arrived, I could tell the kids were over it. Ocean even asked if we were going to be going home yet. Each day was long because they were exhausted and ready to be done. Finally, we made our way back home and road trip was over!

Party animals!

 

We were at home for a few days before we boarded a plane to Florida to visit my parents! We spent those few days in our PJ's, but we were super excited for the next adventure.

My kids are super awesome on the plane so it was no problemo. The kids loved the beach. They could not get enough, our last day we dragged them crying from the ocean. They waded in all the way up to their necks without floaties and went swimming as if they had been doing this for ages. I was a little emotional about this. I love the ocean (duh) and seeing my three babes enjoying it to pieces was too amazing.

Since we were a few hours away and we are road warriors anyway, we decided to take the plunge and visit Magic Kingdom. Again, I cried when we pulled up because this was on my bucket list way back when: take my kids to Disney World. I was worried that they might be too young and it was scary for my cheap ass because good Lord, people, that place costs an arm and a leg. My parents and brother went and we had a fabulous time! We rode all the rides we wanted to and the kids had a fabulous time.

Daddy and his Princess

Now we are home and living our regular life. I must say this was the most fun I have had in forever and I felt truly blessed to get to go and do all those things. I'm not sure how to top it next summer, but I better start planning now!

The Miley Debacle and Raising a Daughter

Unless you have been living under a rock, you have heard about the performance Miley Cyrus gave on the VMA's. It looked a lot like this . . . . .

When I saw it I thought "that was crazy." And that was all. Imagine my surprise when I got on Facebook and everyone was on the next level about this issue. Miley is a whore, a skank, trashy, her butt is flat or pictures comparing Miley to an animal or her rear end to that of a raw chicken.

This may come as a shock, but to be perfectly honest, I found all of those things much more tasteless than the raunchy performance she gave.

1. This is the VMA's on MTV. MTV is not a mecca for mainstream ideas of moral behavior. Every single year someone does something that is "shocking." Every. single. year. Aside from this shenanigan, Lady Gaga did her little number in a thong and bra. A thong, with her actual butt cheeks showing. I don't care about this for one second, but is it not a little hypocritical that one performer was pretty much naked and not being called a whore and a slut? Is it not sexist and maybe even a little misogynistic that celebrated male performers like Michael Jackson have rubbed their genitals on stage for years but that does not set Facebook ablaze with insults for the performer?

2. I saw many comments about how this is Hannah Montana and what are women supposed to tell their daughters about this behavior? In my opinion, this is a parenting fail on your part, not a problem with Miley Cyrus. If your child is a Hannah Montana fan and yet they are not old enough to understand that Hannah Montana is not a real person, but a made up character being played by an actress (and several years before this at that) who is a human being in real life that is NOT actually Hannah Montana, I have news for you: YOUR CHILD IS NOT OLD ENOUGH TO WATCH MTV. Let that sink in.

3. I have made so many mistakes in life. I wouldn't even call them mistakes at all times, but I have done dumb things. The thing about Facebook and blogs calling out Miley for rubbing herself, wearing something that, let's be honest, is no different than a bikini, sticking out her tongue, etc, is that, I know these people. I know that they too have been wild and crazy back in the day. Some of them still do wild and crazy things. I can't help but wonder why these same people feel they have the right or ability to use such harsh, shameless and cruel language and imagery to discuss this behavior? Whilst going through puberty myself and letting my brain fully develop (which doesn't finish until 25, hello), I did DUMB things. I have to emphasize dumb. Sometimes horrifyingly embarrassing things. I thank my lucky stars I participated in that ridiculous behavior when cameras, phone pics, and YouTube were not existent. Now that I am nearing thirty, I would absolutely never do any of those things and I cringe at the thought of my sweet daughter doing any of those things. But . . . I would be a hypocrite (and a jerk actually) to simply forget that at one time in my youth I was a big, horny, obnoxious idiot and mount my high horse to say awful things about someone on the internet. I don't think Miley Cyrus should be ruined for life like many people are calling for. I think she'll probably grow out of it and move on. So should we.

I always hear people talking about how they want better for their children than they had. Usually they are talking about material things and finances, but I also want better for my child's soul and well being. I don't want my daughter calling other girls whore, sluts, ho bags, skanks and what have you. I did that and have thought it (okay, maybe still do sometimes) but I don't want that for my daughter. I want her to have more respect for others and in turn that will give her more respect for herself.  I certainly don't want anyone saying those things to her either someday, should she find herself making different choices or rubbing herself with a foam hand on TV while wearing a teddy bear onesie. I would like us to discuss that type of thing together and work out what kind of feelings a performance like that may evoke in her, not just sling around whore and slut and certainly not take to making fun of her body parts that may look imperfect to some.

I want better for her, so I have to be that through example. I have participated in these negative behaviors before. I am and have been a judgemental person. Having a child changes you. When I look at my beautiful girl and how innocent she is, I want her to keep seeing the world in a positive light. We have war, terrorist attacks, a widening gap between rich and poor, higher education costs that are getting unattainable, people who are sick and can't get good health care, a young woman taking part in a risque performance is the least of our troubles. We can discuss it with respect and act accordingly. That's the example I want to be for my daughter, not someone on a high horse making unnecessarily harsh judgements of someone I don't even really know who is essentially causing us no harm in any fashion.

Moral of the story: get over it. Move on. And really, don't call other women whores and sluts. That's nasty. Be better than that.

Just An Average Trip to the Mall

I really need bras for my giganto boobs so I decided I could do it, we could all head out to the mall. Let me bullet point the excitement for you.

• We went in one store. Osh man took off running, which he always does in stores, seeing those wide open spaces. He was everywhere so fast I finally caught him and told him to get back in the stroller, freedom over until the next store.
• We got to the next store and he saw all the bras and spread his arms wide like Maria frolicking on the mountainside in "Sound of Music" and said "BOOBIES! Boobies evywhere!!" This got the attention of the person working there. She helped me find bras. As I was checking out, she said, "oh yeah, he has put some stuff from here in your stroller." I hadn't even noticed, so I thanked her and we pulled it all out. We found several pieces that weren't from that store! SHITBALLS! He stole a bunch of jewelry from store #1.
• We went back to store #1 and I left all the stolen jewelry at the counter. We went to the next store and I realized this would never work out so we went to eat lunch. We got all of our lunch to the table, were halfway done when both of them started saying "I need to pee. My pee pee is coming out. I have to pee right now." 
• I decided I wasn't going to get to eat lunch so I put their lunch in the stroller. I was carrying N in a carrier and he was asleep. We went to a department store that had a family bathroom so we could all fit in there. They each went pee and then got back in the stroller to eat their lunch. I smelled something foul. Butterball had taken a giant dump all over the place, his clothes and everything. 
• I got the Butterball naked and cleaned up while the twins ate their lunch, IN A BATHROOM. He had no spare outfit. I took him, in his diaper, through the department store to buy a new outfit. I found one on clearance but didn't love it so I put it on the stroller. I then found a cute on sale outfit and bought it, while standing with my naked baby in a store. I got him dressed and we went to the play area.
• The kids were dying to ride the carousel but the person was on break so after they almost had a tantrum I derailed them with the play area. They ran and jumped and had a good old time. We got on the carousel when the person returned from their lunch break. Osh man insisted on riding the tea cup. That's cool with me, but then the lady says I have to ride with him. I ride in a carousel that is going round and round while I was also spinning round and round. Barf city!
• We got off and happily trotted over to our stroller to load up. Hanging there was the first outfit from the department store. Not only had my son stolen things today, I did too! We returned to that store and I prayed that I wasn't about to get arrested for returning the second stroller related theft operation we had going on that day. The item was returned. Osh asked to get out of the stroller and I said NO WAY! We are out of here. 
• The hermit crab stand necessitated a stop. The kids were thrilled with the different shells. One thing did go right.
• We went to visit my grandparents, which was nice.

Finally, it was time to go home. I needed a nap like the desert needs rain but I told them we could go swimming once we got home. Osh looked at me while rubbing his eyes and said "Mommy, did you know that I am not tired, not even at all?" Of course not.

As Hubby says, "the sun shines on a dog's ass every now and then." And that's what happened then. The wild man fell sound asleep and then it started raining. Yay. Thank you Universe for small miracles.

No more trips to the mall for us anytime soon!

Nash carefully observing bad behavior.

Observation: bad behavior looks awesome!

Groundhog's Day

I am a few months in with my stay at home mom gig now. I don't count my maternity leave because I was still employed and still thinking of working full time, even though that was stupid because I couldn't afford the daycare anyway. Also the first few months of newborn-hood are a brutal sleep deprived, fuzzy good smelling baby high induced state that can't be counted as real life anyway.

Truth be told, it's a little more frustrating than I thought. It feels like Groundhog's Day really. When I was working the house chores didn't bother me much because they were no big deal and if they didn't get done, who cares? We were never in the house anyway between working, daycare, eating out and doing fun things on the weekend so we didn't make much mess. But everyday things around here look the same, if I didn't get to cleaning or if I did. It's like I do 7 loads of laundry and feel so much relief and less than 48 hours the hampers look exactly the same. One day I was so proud of myself for vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms and getting a bunch done. Then Hubby came home and I looked around at the bits of laundry on the couch and the toys everywhere and the snack the kids just had on the table. More cleaning than I ever used to do in a week in one day of us being here all day looked like nothing. I basically feel like a bad housekeeper. That kind of sucks. I put myself through college and am still paying for it so I can be a sloppy, tired, frazzled housekeeper?

I hate to admit it, but I think the twins are bored shitless with me. I feel so guilty, but the baby still dictates our schedule because his sleep is sometimes good but sometimes not, he goes through frequent growth spurts where he needs to eat a ton and be held a bunch. I love holding the butterball a bunch and am so glad I get to do it at my leisure instead of outside my working hours, but I'm not sure if I'm keeping the twins from better things.I joined the gym to get myself in shape, get some alone time, and let the kids socialize. They fight me tooth and nail to get there and I do not enjoy loading the three up in the car so I have put in my notice until they are older and a little easier and the baby has a better routine. I would really like to send the kids to preschool but we are poor, there are no school district options for our income level, and all of the kid's day out programs are religious so I'm not sure what to do. The twins are going to one week of preschool summer camp next week so we will see how great life is and what kind of lengths we should go to to possibly put them in some type of preschool (options: cooking meth, selling body organs, prostitution, etc).

There are some moms who are just so with it, you know? They look good, their kids are happy, they are happy all the time. I wonder how they do it. I asked quite a few and got great info. On another note, many of the ones who are super moms I have found out later have their kids in school, nanny's (some full time and overnight), people who come to clean their house, sitter's to watch their kids while they go to the gym, husband's who do all the grocery shopping, the list could go on. I kid you not. No wonder they look great, right? This makes me feel worse in a way because I dream of being rich but better in a way because it's all on  me. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but only a liar says they never compare. It's the human way (or the American way at least).

I am in a kind of limbo because I can't wait for the baby to get older so we can get back to the place we were in where everyone is mobile and on the same page. At the same time, all this snuggling I get to do with the butterball I didn't get to do as much with the twins so I want to take advantage of it. I love fat baby snuggles and even big three year old snuggles. I don't want to wish their littleness away just so I can get more things accomplished. It goes by so quickly! There are major plusses to being at home as well. Every Monday we have PJ day. All day. It's fun. While everyone is complaining of the Monday's we are in our jammies making muffins or some other baked goods. I don't like doing 7 loads of laundry a day, but with some maneuvering, I can do 7 loads of laundry a day. When we do things together we can "stop and smell the roses." Roam at our own leisure, if you will. We don't have to be anywhere. We have started packing a picnic once a week and meeting Hubby for lunch at a park near his work. I feel way less guilty taking time to myself. I get to hear each and every crazy thing that comes out of the twins mouths firsthand. Another cool thing is that I have been doing a lot of around the house projects that weren't really urgent before. I have been taking before and after pics and can't wait to share all the organizing I've been doing.

Being 100% unemployed hasn't really worked for me though so I have been working for the last month in retail. It is very flexible, between 12-20 hours a week in the evenings. I have to say it's fun and I know it's a luxury to work for fun. It gives me a reason to put on some Spanx and a face of make up and go earn some dough. I have worked with many interesting characters and it's just easy and enjoyable. I like it. I good mix of lots of my kiddo time and time to myself, plus money is always nice. We are having a big garage sale this weekend and purging a bunch of our crap. I hope it will be a new beginning!

So, any magical tips you have at making things easier, you are welcome to leave me!



There was a "Sid the Science Kid" movie on PBS one day so we made a make shift movie theater and had popcorn!

Butterball

A little update on the Butterball! You may notice that I don't blog much. You wouldn't think adding one little munchkin to the house plus now being at home all day would be that much different, but sheesh, it's different. Real different.

The Butterball is growing like a crazy little weed. At five months and some change, he is coming in at over 17 pounds! I love his roly poly chunk body. He has still only had breast milk, but unfortunately I think that may be dwindling soon because my supply has just started tanking. He eats rice cereal before bed and has a little bit of pureed food once a day. He hates peas and bananas, but loves sweet potatoes. He is meh on the carrots and green beans. I made him a popsicle with breast milk the other day and he was so excited that he got to have something to munch on at the table while we were eating dinner. I swear he is dying to get a handful of some real food!

At only five months and some change he is also already rolling and moving around. When I pump I put him on a play mat right in front of me and last week he made it off the play mat and across the room to grab a dirty sock to chew on from the laundry pile. The twins are very interested in him moving around and I am trying my best to train them to be more responsible with their squinkies and beads and other tiny things that they leave around.

On the sleep front, it is touch and go. I will say it is 1000000% easier than twins, thank the Universe, but getting interrupted sleep over long periods of time, like five months and some change, is hard on a person. That is a big reason why I don't blog as often yet. My goal is to blog for a little while and get my thoughts out all at once and schedule posts but my stupid internet is slow as f#$% so by the time it loads I'd rather be sleeping. But due to the interrupted sleep I don't sleep that well anyway so I am stuck with all these thoughts swirling in my head, trapped there and not overshared on the internet for my free personal therapy. It's a vicious  cycle. Now that my tangent is over, back to the Butterball. He sleeps ok. Sometimes well and sometimes not. He sleeps poorly only when he is sick but unfortunately that is frequently. Otherwise he gets in his bed around 9 and sleeps there until 3-5 a.m. when he feeds and goes back to sleep. He always feeds again around 6:30 and then is up for the day between 8 and 8:30. I typically only wake twice so I will be thankful for that because after having Osh man I know it could be worse. So much worse, in fact. I'm tired all the time though and am ready for some energy!

We were driving out of town and I saw his face in the mirror behind his carseat and said to Hubby, "aren't you so glad we had him? Isn't he the best thing in the world?" It's true. He is such a sweet, lovable, great little thing. I can't get enough of him. The twins love him too. Everyone does really, you just can't help it.

Here are some pics of my jolly little chubster, marker tattoo by Peanut. At his appointment the doctor said "is that marker in his ear?" Why yes, yes it is. 

Mother's Day

Four years ago on this day, I was in bed. All day.

A few months before this day I had injected hormones into my own stomach and put all my hopes in yet another failed treatment. For the week preceding this day we had no groceries whatsoever in the house because the sight of all the Mother's Day advertisements at the grocery, Target, Walmart or drug stores caused my heart to race and the tears to flow. Four years ago on this day I swallowed an antidepressant and alternated between sleeping, crying and wondering what in the world I was supposed to do in a motherless life when I knew since I was five years old that all I wanted was to be a mom.

It sucked hard.

But not today! Today I woke up to the first sight that I see everyday, which is a gorgeous, chunky baby snuggled up next to me and usually cooing to wake me up. On the edge of my bed I saw two excited three year old's, one with a card in hand and one with a gift in hand (a massage and facial gift card, hello). I got kisses times three and hugs times three. We spent a day at the zoo and ate a big yummy dinner and were all exhausted and ready for bed early.

Mother's Day is such a special day for me. It's like my personal Thanksgiving Day. I don't often feel thankful for having to go through infertility, but today I do. I can feel the gratitude in every cell of my body that on this day I got to wake up in such a different place than I did four years ago with all my dreams come true. It's all been worth it and even more worth it than I could imagine. I romanticized motherhood for many years and it's even better (and even harder) than I thought. Tonight before bed I asked the twins if they could give me a hug because it's Mother's Day and I'm their mommy. That sounds stupid, but for the third time now it's still a huge thrill. Mother's Day is a "pinch me" moment and I do my best to wallow in it for every bit of the day I can.

Happy Mother's Day to me, because I'm a mom, and those words never get old. And special thoughts to all the mommy's to be trying to complete their families or living through the loss of your little's, it's so hard and I hope one day your dreams come true too.

On this same note, I hope this is how all of life works. Today I woke up poor so in four years I will wake up rich, yes? Sounds good to me!

Nursing in Public

I have really wanted to nurse the Butterball, no bottles, no cleaning, no buying formula. I am not one of those people who is loud and proud and thinks we all need to bond together and whip out our boobs in public. Basically, I don't care. If you want to do that, do it. If you don't, don't. That's your business, feed your nugget how you please.

But it would be nice if it was a little easier.

I am currently rocking a set of 38G boobs. That is gigantic. There is no discreet way of whipping them out in public and the Butterball's immediate reaction to having a blanket thrown over his face is "WTF are you doing to me?" The Butterball nurses like a wild man, flailing his head about, whipping his arms around, sucking like he has never been feed before and may not get fed again. So I pump a lot and most of his food comes from a bottle via pumping, except at night, when I refuse to get up and make a bottle or pump and he gets breastfed directly on the breast all through that time.

We took a little family outing downtown to Barnes and Noble. We love to read real books, not digital ones, plus the train table and the little stage are all lots of fun new things. I accidentally forgot the Butterball's pumped milk in the car and it was a long walk so I whipped out my boobs to feed him. It was a snowy day so there weren't many people out which made it was the perfect time to try it. It was the usual flailing, girls gone wild, boobs in the wind experience. I text my mom to tell her if she see's my boobs on a surveillance video on YouTube it was all innocent, I was just trying to feed the little.

When we were on vacation, my little man was super fussy and tired and refusing rest. We were out as a large group at an outdoor restaurant for dinner. I found a nice little spot in the dark away from the crowd and fed him because feeding from the breast when he is tired relaxes him and puts him to sleep. Out of nowhere here comes two kids running around the corner playing tag. I stayed still so as not to draw attention and kept at it. They ran off without noticing me. A couple was walking out to their car. I knew they couldn't see me. I heard the doors open then BAM, spotlights right on my own spotlights, out in public. Seriously.

Needless to say, I have not mastered the art of nursing in public. I went to a  playgroup and a mom walked around feeding her baby. Yes, just walked around! You couldn't see any of her parts, she carried on normal conversations, watched her kids, no cover, no big deal. HOW DOES SHE DO THIS? I need to learn, but it's still a work in progress.

I guess this is all kind of a moot point because the boy is on a nursing strike anyway. It's like he is literally repulsed by my nipples. He is four months old now so I have two more months until my next goal of 6 months! Will I make it to a year? I don't know . . . It's definitely getting old, but I am going to try.

Hubby is the swaddle master. No baby can withstand the hubby swaddle.

A Little Soul Melting For Your Wednesday

We were all playing around in my room. Wrestling, doing laundry, loving on the baby, playing pretend, just hanging out.

Osh man put a pillow next to the baby and grabbed his hand.

"I'm going to space Nashy boy," he said, "take my hand and we'll do it together."

Love.

My Babies are 3

THREE!!!!! How did the time go by so fast? I feel like they were just born, but also like they have been here forever and I never had a life before them.

My little lovies when they were first born. That was such a surreal experience (by surreal read: I had no idea what on earth had just happened to me). They were so little and smooshy at 5 and 6 lbs. I couldn't believe they were here.

Their one year old birthday.

This was so special because I felt like I had it finally figured out, they were sleeping more and developing big personalities. They weren't walking well yet. I was so into their party and it seemed like such a huge milestone, one year!!

Two Years Old

And now, THREE!!

Three has been a crazy birthday. My babies aren't really babies or toddlers. They are preschoolers. They are people now. I know they were always people, but they're like real people. They have opinions and they want to know about everything and they go to the bathroom in the toilet and want to get themselves dressed and be part of our conversations. It is so odd to have had little smooshy babies and now they are people. The big job of raising good people in the world has begun.

We celebrated with a birthday party with friends at a jump jump place and then had family over for dinner afterward. It was really nice.

I love these two monkeys. The monkeys who made me a mama are three. Wow.

This was of course a pinterest find and a big hit!