Groundhog's Day

I am a few months in with my stay at home mom gig now. I don't count my maternity leave because I was still employed and still thinking of working full time, even though that was stupid because I couldn't afford the daycare anyway. Also the first few months of newborn-hood are a brutal sleep deprived, fuzzy good smelling baby high induced state that can't be counted as real life anyway.

Truth be told, it's a little more frustrating than I thought. It feels like Groundhog's Day really. When I was working the house chores didn't bother me much because they were no big deal and if they didn't get done, who cares? We were never in the house anyway between working, daycare, eating out and doing fun things on the weekend so we didn't make much mess. But everyday things around here look the same, if I didn't get to cleaning or if I did. It's like I do 7 loads of laundry and feel so much relief and less than 48 hours the hampers look exactly the same. One day I was so proud of myself for vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms and getting a bunch done. Then Hubby came home and I looked around at the bits of laundry on the couch and the toys everywhere and the snack the kids just had on the table. More cleaning than I ever used to do in a week in one day of us being here all day looked like nothing. I basically feel like a bad housekeeper. That kind of sucks. I put myself through college and am still paying for it so I can be a sloppy, tired, frazzled housekeeper?

I hate to admit it, but I think the twins are bored shitless with me. I feel so guilty, but the baby still dictates our schedule because his sleep is sometimes good but sometimes not, he goes through frequent growth spurts where he needs to eat a ton and be held a bunch. I love holding the butterball a bunch and am so glad I get to do it at my leisure instead of outside my working hours, but I'm not sure if I'm keeping the twins from better things.I joined the gym to get myself in shape, get some alone time, and let the kids socialize. They fight me tooth and nail to get there and I do not enjoy loading the three up in the car so I have put in my notice until they are older and a little easier and the baby has a better routine. I would really like to send the kids to preschool but we are poor, there are no school district options for our income level, and all of the kid's day out programs are religious so I'm not sure what to do. The twins are going to one week of preschool summer camp next week so we will see how great life is and what kind of lengths we should go to to possibly put them in some type of preschool (options: cooking meth, selling body organs, prostitution, etc).

There are some moms who are just so with it, you know? They look good, their kids are happy, they are happy all the time. I wonder how they do it. I asked quite a few and got great info. On another note, many of the ones who are super moms I have found out later have their kids in school, nanny's (some full time and overnight), people who come to clean their house, sitter's to watch their kids while they go to the gym, husband's who do all the grocery shopping, the list could go on. I kid you not. No wonder they look great, right? This makes me feel worse in a way because I dream of being rich but better in a way because it's all on  me. I know comparison is the thief of joy, but only a liar says they never compare. It's the human way (or the American way at least).

I am in a kind of limbo because I can't wait for the baby to get older so we can get back to the place we were in where everyone is mobile and on the same page. At the same time, all this snuggling I get to do with the butterball I didn't get to do as much with the twins so I want to take advantage of it. I love fat baby snuggles and even big three year old snuggles. I don't want to wish their littleness away just so I can get more things accomplished. It goes by so quickly! There are major plusses to being at home as well. Every Monday we have PJ day. All day. It's fun. While everyone is complaining of the Monday's we are in our jammies making muffins or some other baked goods. I don't like doing 7 loads of laundry a day, but with some maneuvering, I can do 7 loads of laundry a day. When we do things together we can "stop and smell the roses." Roam at our own leisure, if you will. We don't have to be anywhere. We have started packing a picnic once a week and meeting Hubby for lunch at a park near his work. I feel way less guilty taking time to myself. I get to hear each and every crazy thing that comes out of the twins mouths firsthand. Another cool thing is that I have been doing a lot of around the house projects that weren't really urgent before. I have been taking before and after pics and can't wait to share all the organizing I've been doing.

Being 100% unemployed hasn't really worked for me though so I have been working for the last month in retail. It is very flexible, between 12-20 hours a week in the evenings. I have to say it's fun and I know it's a luxury to work for fun. It gives me a reason to put on some Spanx and a face of make up and go earn some dough. I have worked with many interesting characters and it's just easy and enjoyable. I like it. I good mix of lots of my kiddo time and time to myself, plus money is always nice. We are having a big garage sale this weekend and purging a bunch of our crap. I hope it will be a new beginning!

So, any magical tips you have at making things easier, you are welcome to leave me!



There was a "Sid the Science Kid" movie on PBS one day so we made a make shift movie theater and had popcorn!

Butterball

A little update on the Butterball! You may notice that I don't blog much. You wouldn't think adding one little munchkin to the house plus now being at home all day would be that much different, but sheesh, it's different. Real different.

The Butterball is growing like a crazy little weed. At five months and some change, he is coming in at over 17 pounds! I love his roly poly chunk body. He has still only had breast milk, but unfortunately I think that may be dwindling soon because my supply has just started tanking. He eats rice cereal before bed and has a little bit of pureed food once a day. He hates peas and bananas, but loves sweet potatoes. He is meh on the carrots and green beans. I made him a popsicle with breast milk the other day and he was so excited that he got to have something to munch on at the table while we were eating dinner. I swear he is dying to get a handful of some real food!

At only five months and some change he is also already rolling and moving around. When I pump I put him on a play mat right in front of me and last week he made it off the play mat and across the room to grab a dirty sock to chew on from the laundry pile. The twins are very interested in him moving around and I am trying my best to train them to be more responsible with their squinkies and beads and other tiny things that they leave around.

On the sleep front, it is touch and go. I will say it is 1000000% easier than twins, thank the Universe, but getting interrupted sleep over long periods of time, like five months and some change, is hard on a person. That is a big reason why I don't blog as often yet. My goal is to blog for a little while and get my thoughts out all at once and schedule posts but my stupid internet is slow as f#$% so by the time it loads I'd rather be sleeping. But due to the interrupted sleep I don't sleep that well anyway so I am stuck with all these thoughts swirling in my head, trapped there and not overshared on the internet for my free personal therapy. It's a vicious  cycle. Now that my tangent is over, back to the Butterball. He sleeps ok. Sometimes well and sometimes not. He sleeps poorly only when he is sick but unfortunately that is frequently. Otherwise he gets in his bed around 9 and sleeps there until 3-5 a.m. when he feeds and goes back to sleep. He always feeds again around 6:30 and then is up for the day between 8 and 8:30. I typically only wake twice so I will be thankful for that because after having Osh man I know it could be worse. So much worse, in fact. I'm tired all the time though and am ready for some energy!

We were driving out of town and I saw his face in the mirror behind his carseat and said to Hubby, "aren't you so glad we had him? Isn't he the best thing in the world?" It's true. He is such a sweet, lovable, great little thing. I can't get enough of him. The twins love him too. Everyone does really, you just can't help it.

Here are some pics of my jolly little chubster, marker tattoo by Peanut. At his appointment the doctor said "is that marker in his ear?" Why yes, yes it is. 

On Breastfeeding

I decided well before the butterball arrived that I was going to give it my all with breastfeeding this time. This may come as a shock because I have never really been that interested in the whole breastfeeding thing and even become annoyed at women who constantly talk about it like they are doing everyone on earth a favor. What was the change this time around? To be honest there is one main reason.

It's free.

I know it's not free exactly, but I borrowed my sister in law's pump and I don't need any meds to keep up with my supply so all I needed to purchase that I wouldn't have to purchase with formula is storage bags for leftover milk. I am poor and cheap so free is good.

The next reason:

It burns calories better than an intense hour long workout, which I do not have time for anyway.

Basically this should tell you that I am not touchy feely about it and it's all business.

Well . . . . . .  .

It turns out I have become touchy feely about it. I like it. I enjoy it. Is that weird? A shock? I like looking down at the butterball while he looks up at me or falls asleep on me while I hold his little hands. I like knowing that all his chub came from me. You can see he isn't missing any meals.



I also love not pumping in the night and just feeding him and falling asleep. I can literally just roll over and shove my boob in his mouth.

It hasn't really been perfect though. You would think it wouldn't be too bad, the cavemen obviously figured it out because we are all still roaming the earth and they didn't have any formula. Butterball lost 9% of his birth weight so we were put on alert that we would need to supplement ASAP if it didn't kick into gear soon. Pumping helped a lot and I was able to put all the weight back on him and then some in the recommended amount of time. Those first few weeks tore my nipples a new one. That didn't happen from only pumping for the twins like I did last time. They were bloody. I have had mastitis twice. Full blown mastitis with fever, chills, body aches and painful boobies. I have a fast flow so the butterball chokes on my milk which means I have to pump more than I'd like, but the doctor said when he gets older it will even out.

With those roadblocks in place it has surprised me that Butterball still hasn't even had one little taste of formula. At this point my last go round I was so completely ready to be done and this time I am still good! Not only am I good, but I have over 200 oz in the freezer!

 

I have set my first goal to be 3 months and I really think I'll make it! The next one will be six. I am worried about him growing teeth and biting me, but if I could make it to a year I'd like to. That's in a long time. Will I be able to do it? I guess we will find out!

The one thing that I wish I could do but just don't feel comfortable with is nursing in public. My fun bags are giant and I really don't think anyone needs to see them nor would I feel comfortable with them being out. At this point we don't leave the house much but it would be nice if nursing would be easier as I don't really plan on nursing on a toilet. I don't even pee sitting on public toilets, I put down tp and then still squat so I really doubt I would feed my baby in there. As it is, I put a pumped bottle into my cleavage so that it's boob temp and ready to go. I'm not sure what will happen when he is older. I tried nursing him at my in laws in their living room and it felt awkward so I put a blanket over myself and butterball and he did not like that. I'm not sure what the future holds in that arena but I really hope to keep up with nursing him, not making any trips to the store for formula is muy bueno.

Holy Weight Gain

I had my 28 week appointment last Friday. It was my last monthly appointment, I am now in my third trimester and have appointments every two weeks. It's so crazy! In less than ninety days, Baby 3 will grace us with his presence (yeah, I said his, I know this has got to be a baby boy, no matter what everyone else says). I'm starting to get really excited. Peanut told me that she would help me take care of the baby when it comes out until we can find it a new mommy. Yeah . . . .

Anyway, I do NOT weigh myself at home. I just don't. I don't want to worry or stress about it. Plus, I will never look good naked again. Until I can afford major plastic surgery of course. I have dangly skin, stretch marks that are an inch wide and some almost 4 inches long (I'm not talking about those sweet little white ones either, they are purple), and boobs that dangle down to my ribs with nipples the size of my face. It's not really that exciting to look good shoved into push up bras and Spanx so if I gain a bunch of weight, who cares, right?

Well . . . . my weight gain has been a little more excessive than last time. I try not to pay attention to the numbers but obviously it is one of the main things we talk about at the appointments. My doc rolled her chair in and said wow, it looks like you have gained more weight than with the twins. That isn't true yet, but clearly it's going to happen. I gained 36 lbs. when I delivered them at 37 weeks and 1 day. At my 28 week appointment with my singleton baby, I had gained 31 lbs. THIRTY ONE. That must be our lucky number because the baby is also measuring at about 31 weeks instead of 28. Could be a big baby. Could be my pop tart habit, we're not sure.

So yeah, thirty one pounds. Wow. I will say that even though I am only 5 lbs away from my total weight gain last time and I still have a full trimester to go, and let's be honest I could gain that in only one week, I am still 13 pounds away from my actual weight on my due date with the twinks so it isn't that bad.

Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

Yes, my son is wearing mascara. It happens.

 

Sorry for the blurriness. They get a little crazy sometimes together!

Baby Stuff

Hubby wants to go shopping for baby stuff. We need everything but a carseat because I got rid of everything. I got rid of everything because I was never going to do fertility treatments and get my heart broken ever again so there was no need for baby stuff in my house. OBVIOUSLY I wasn't really going to get pregnant from having sex. I thought it would be fun to try, but never for one real minute did I think it would happen.

Pregnancy is a horrifying, scary time for me. I love feeling baby move but that's it. I was, well, am, part of the infertility community and horrible things happen all the time. Second trimester losses, third trimester losses, life threatening disabilities, still births, you name it. I have been extremely fortunate to not have these things happen to me but watching women that were my best source of support through my worst times go through such awful things leaves a lasting impression. I went to one baby funeral. It was awful and I will never forget it. Have you ever seen a coffin the size of a shoe box? If you haven't, I hope you don't. Part of the reason that I hate being around pregnant women is that they are very annoying and self centered, the other reason is it gives me anxiety about what is going to happen to that person.

Infertility treatments broke my soul. All of them but one, which ended in the twins. After the FET failed I immediately thought just like I did before the twins were conceived, "I'll get back up, I'll keep going, I will not stop until I have everything I ever dreamed of." But I took some time and did some hard soul searching. I ran. I cuddled the monkey's. I read. I had lots of talks with Hubby. I got the support I needed from my other infertile friends. I was out running one day. Music was blaring in my ears. The sun was shining. My body felt great. I was thinking of the twins and how funny, smart, adorable and perfect they are and thinking about Hubby. I knew that it would be the best if I gave up on treatments. Instead of saving up and spending money on shots in my stomach and ass for a CHANCE, not a guarantee, that we might have one more baby, we could save money for things everyone else saves for. Fun things, not hard, sad things. Vacations. Cars. A bigger house. With no more kids coming in we could see an end to our daycare paying days (which hurts us badly now). We could just enjoy. Relax. Soak it all in. The first day of the rest of our lives.

I felt great. When I saw the two pink lines on my cheap internet pregnancy tests, I cried. Not tears of joy. Tears of fear. I called my mom scared to death. I went to my infertile friend and cried more. I don't get things easily. Ever. I have to work. I can't just enjoy life and then get pregnant, for FREE. That isn't my life and I came to terms with it. I was not just okay, but good. I know life is full of shitty things that happen no matter what you do, but one thing that wasn't going to be on my plate ever again was going through hell for pregnancy and then worrying about miscarriage and all the other bad things that could happen.

I've been to so many appointments and baby is growing big and strong. I am almost in the third trimester. THE HOME STRETCH. But this is the problem: many moons ago the doctor's told me I would have no trouble getting pregnant. Then they said I had PCOS but I was still very healthy so it wouldn't be a big deal. Then I ended up doing IUI's and IVF and all that crap. Then the FET happened and it sucked huge balls. Then I had surgery and they said to get on birth control because I would not get pregnant on my own and maybe less likely than last time to get pregnant with IVF. Then I got pregnant on my own. So you might be able to see why when I go to appointments and they tell me baby is perfect and beautiful it is really, really difficult for me to believe them. They say that today, but what about tomorrow?

Hubby told me yesterday that we need to start getting things in order for the baby. In less than three months, baby will be here, in our house! Poor baby doesn't even have one outfit. Or a bed. Or bottles. I just stared at him like an idiot and I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy. I cried looking at newborn sized diapers in Target the other night. I'm being a basketcase. I told myself after the first trimester that this would be great and I would soak up every minute. I can't believe that here I am, almost done, so fortunate to get the chance to do this again and without the hell of treatments, and still I am paralyzed with fear that if I enjoy it, it will disappear. I feel so sad and guilty for this little baby, the twins had pretty much everything they needed at this point.

I was at Sam's last week. I looked at a huge box of diapers and looked for some storage things to reorganize before baby gets here. As I was walking out, you have to show your receipt to someone so they can check your cart. The man showing his receipt said "come on, I thought it was free day at Sam's where you can get everything for free" jokingly. The lady at the door said "nothing is free in this world honey." It was like the Universe had to somehow remind me of that.

Let's all cross our fingers that this baby doesn't come home buck naked in winter because the thought of going to Babies R Us makes me hyperventilate (if we can even get home, we don't have a car that can legally transport all of us, yikes). I think Hubby and I have decided that an elective ultrasound is maybe what I need, then I can buy a freaking bed for God's sake.

I'm wasting this time and this experience being afraid. I'm going to snap out of it! My goal is to get one thing done for this baby by the end of the week. Friday, September 28th, Baby 3 will have a place in our home and something of his or her own.

Maturity Issues

A package arrived from Amazon yesterday bearing in it the very important book I ordered.

Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way. Mmm hmmm.

I snuggled up next to Hubby on the couch and we propped it open.

Me: "this book is much shorter than I expected" . . . Flips page "holy crap!" There is a picture of a completely naked woman and her topless, shoeless hubs helping her in labor.

Hubby: "wow, those are some nipples! If you thought your nipples were big they have nothing on these!"

Me: "Why is she totally naked? Why is he topless? Why did he forget his shirt but has on a gold chain? You can't wear shirts to a natural birth?"

Hubby: "I'm going naked to our child's birth."

Me: "no you're not."

Hubby: "Why? You don't like it when I'm naked?"

Me: "I definitely don't want to look at your balls the whole time I'm in labor. No one else wants to either."

Hubby: "That's mean."

Me: "No it's not. Turn the page."

Hubby: "women have been doing this for thousands of years. We can figure this out."

Me: "We are reading this book or I'm not doing this and that's final. I'm going to the bathroom."

Hubby: flips back a few pages "I seriously can't stop looking at these nipples."

Me: "Stop!"

Osh man came rushing out of the office. "no Daddy, you top it right now. Top it!" yep, that's my boy.

Maybe I should just schedule a csection.

Getting Attached

I have had a lot of issues getting attached to this pregnancy. It doesn't seem like reality. A few weeks ago we were at a playland and Peanut got stuck on the long, fast, bumpy slide and wanted me to come help her. I kicked off my shoes, ran up the slide, and went bumping down. Hubby ran over and said "what are you thinking? Are you serious? What are you doing? Do not do that again!" I literally forget this is happening on a regular basis and just go about my business.
When I was pregnant with the twins, I felt so pregnant. Puking. Stretching. Dizzy. That stuff comes and goes. I don't feel pregnant, just tired. I know this comes with any second pregnancy. I am busy with the twins and I just don't concentrate on it. I feel so guilty, because I took belly pictures every single week and documented everything. I realized last week I had taken no belly pics. I have bought not one single thing for this baby when I had purchased things for the twins for sure by this point.

Honestly, if I had been pregnant from a fertility treatment I think it would be different. This feels like a joke. Even though we were hoping this would happen at some point, I didn't really think that it would happen. I keep thinking any minute the Universe will say "really, REALLY? You thought you would get something easy? I don't think so, silly head!" and then BAM! I will be issued some sort of punishment to teach me a big lesson. My friends have said that it's okay, I deserve, I earned it, the Universe owed me. How? I don't think that's true and I feel like joy will=punishment. I don't know what kind.

I went to my beta's expecting the worst. They just kept coming in fine. When my progesterone was pretty low, I thought here it is, miscarriage time. I almost passed out before our first ultrasound thinking that God only knew what things we would find. Just one healthy little fetus, heart beating away. My next fear was the NT scan. Between ultrasound and bloodwork our chances of having any trisomies are 1 in 10,000. Relief. Last week I had a blood test to check our risks of neural tube defects. Everything looked great. Another hurdle crossed. August 9th is our big ultrasound to check anatomy.

I told myself if I ever got pregnant again I would enjoy every minute. It's so hard though to not think of all the "what ifs." Hubby is trying to help me out and he has been talking to the baby. Bad mommy alert - sometimes I drink caffeine on purpose and I can feel baby go crazy and it's such a relief. I can't shake the fear that I will be punished for my good fortune, but I'm trying not to think like that. I cannot wait until that anatomy scan. Three weeks from today. Passing the halfway mark and seeing a tiny body full of healthy organs is going to be huge!

Hubby was encouraging me to take a belly pic so I did! I don't have much of one. This was taken at 16w4d. This little guy or gal has a lot of twin skin to fill up so it could be awhile before we get anything sizeable, but I felt better by doing it, like I was finally giving this fetus some attention!

(Please excuse my frizz ball hair. I hadn't done it yet, but Hubby was about to leave and I was looking decent for once because I was headed out on a girls night to see Magic Mike. Yummo.)

Guess the Sex!

We have decided we will not be finding out the sex of this baby before birth. This is going to be very, extremely, unbelievably difficult for me, BUT I promised Hubby that is we ever had a third child we could have it be a surprise and it's very important to him. I honestly told him this because I didn't think we would actually ever have a third child, but a promise is a promise.

We have our big ultrasound to make sure baby's vital organs are looking good. I am so nervous for that because we have not had many ultrasounds because this is just a regular, average, run of the mill pregnancy so I have no idea what's going on in there.

Because we don't get a view of the goods then, I have resorted to trying every single old wives tale I could find to see if that would help.

A heartrate over 140 indicates a girl: After the very early ultrasounds, baby's HR has always been between 160-180. GIRL

Chinese gender chart: I have no idea how this works, I just plugged info to a website and it said GIRL

Ring test: Dangle your wedding ring on a chain over your baby belly and if it goes in a cirle it's a boy and side to side is a girl (I have actually read conflicting information on this, but I'm going with the first one that I googled). Mine clearly went in a circle so BOY

Pee test: If your pee is bright yellow first thing in the morning you are having a boy, if it's dull it's a girl. My pee said BOY

Mayan number test: You add your age plus the year of conception. Even numbers say girl, odds are boys. GIRL

Beauty test: They say that girls will steal your beauty and boys will make you glow. I have bags under my eyes and pimples popping up all over so I will ahve to say GIRL

Skull theory: If your fetus' skull looks perfectly round, it is a girl, if it looks a little flat in the back it is a boy. My last ultrasound says BOY

Ramzi theory: If your gestational sac is found on the right side in the beginning, you will have a boy, if it implanted on the left side it's a girl. GIRL

Chunky monkey theory: Boys carry in your thighs and girls carry in your butt. My booty is packing some serious heat, so I say GIRL

Naming: If you can easily come up with a name for a sex, it's what you are having. We have a girls name we are confident on but coming up with a boy name has been pure hell. Hubby doesn't like what I love, but he doesn't really love anything and I don't like his suggestions. It sucks. GIRL

Gut feeling: Some people say "mothers just know." I can't play this one because I really don't. I have no idea. Hubby swears up and down it's a girl, but he's not the mother so he doesn't count. I don't know!

Boy votes: 3
Girl votes: 7

In the old wives gender challenge girl wins by a landslide. I only have a cool 24 weeks to wait left (BLECH!!!!!!!). Confession time? Yes! At our NT scan I looked as hard as I could for clues and I really think I saw a little weenie, but I probably didn't, but I tried. Eeek!

Care to take a guess? Do any psychics read my blog? Help me out!

My little miss is preparing for her big sissy duties.

Random Stuff

1. In less than a week I will be putting my toddlers into the car along with my mother and driving for 13 hours. Yeah, that is probably the worst idea I have ever had . . . . . . . .

2. I am driving to my high school reunion. That should be weird! I have great friends from high school, but to be honest I was looking at the Facebook list of people attending and I don't remember very many them. At all. I am so excited to see my girlfriends and two of them will be meeting the twins for the first time.

3. Ocean is really making me laugh these days. I was watching TV and he asked if he could watch with me. He watched really hard for about one minute, then he told me that "I not watch TV with mommy, mommy TV yucky, I go to Home Depot with Daddy." We were at a restaurant and Hubby asked what I wanted and I said I really wanted some booze. Osh yelled out "I have booze too!" Luckily, I have not yet been arrested for that. He was jumping on the couch and on Hubby and Hubby asked him not to jump on him (we have long since given up on asking them not to jump on the couch). Osh said "Why Daddy, you have a baby in you tummy?" Ha! Hilarious!

4. Pool season always shows me who got the good boob jobs and who got the cheap ones. When the boobs are 6 inches apart and on the side of your chest like fish eyes, you should probably see if you can get a refund.

5. My body is one big infected mess. I had that bacteria, now I have a UTI and one of my kidneys infected. I got a shot of antibiotics and now take 150 mg of antibiotics a day for 10 days. If that doesn't do the job, I will be doing hospital time. I think hospitals are disgusting and I hope that the meds will do the job because I don't want to spend time there. No thank you!

8. I go to bed pretty early these days. With all my infections and everything I am just beat. I have gotten addicted to internet debate boards. I read one and never participate, but damn! There are some crazy people out there. If feeds my drama llama big time. I don't prefer that kind of drama in real life, so I get my jollies reading about other people. Welfare queens, abortions, people who breastfeed until kids really don't need to be breastfeeding anymore. It's really interesting. If you are ever really bored you should look up "Baby Center Debate Team." You're welcome. Don't forget your popcorn.

7. I few weeks ago I was so tired and frustrated with my children. I was on my own because Hubby was in class and I had worked a long day and they were just driving me crazy. I got so upset and totally freaked out. I called Hubby to come home. I felt so terrible about it, the next night when I picked up the kids from daycare we walked to a park and had a picnic together. I just needed to remember that I'm not the worst mother ever and that we have fun together. We had a lovely time and I haven't had a meltdown since. I hate that feeling!

Baby Three and the Second Trimester

Today Baby Three had a NT scan. I have been nervous for this moment since the first pregnancy test. I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop for the last two months. Even if I made it out of the first trimester, then probably something would be wrong with the baby because why was I so lucky to get this free baby? It doesn't fit with my personal history.

But I have great news! Baby Three is growing, has a healthy heartbeat and doesn't appear to have a high chance of having trisomy 13, 18, or 21. Baby Three looked like a real baby today.

The relief I felt after that was amazing. We may really get to have a third baby and this wasn't an evil joke played by the universe.

I am trying to let Osh man and Peanut know that they will be big siblings soon. They don't give a poo. It's kind of crazy because in my old life where I thought I had control over my fertility I always wanted my munchkins to be three or more years apart. Obviously I got an F- on that with the twins, although they are loads of fun so I can't complain. Baby Three is just a few months shy of 3 years difference. I am feeling really grateful for this.

In me news, I have only gained 3 lbs so far despite my pop tart and 4th and 5th meal habits. I don't look preggo yet, just plumpy, like I quit working out, which is true. The bad news is that I have a bacteria in my girlfriend that causes preterm labor. I had it a month and a half ago and took antibiotics. I still had it two weeks later so took more antibiotics. It's still here. That's not good. I'm trying not to panic just yet. If it's still there at my next appointment, I am definitely going to freak out. Stupid bacteria.

Did you know that I'm the ultimate ruiner of fun? It's true. Especially when that fun entails twin lovies climbing the bathroom sink, turning the water on full force, and then sticking their hands under it so water sprays everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

I have to shut that down. I'm mean like that. And then I have a pair of angry wet toddlers on my hands.

One Way Ticket to Crazyville

I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone right now.

It's that first trimester stuff where you don't look different and I don't feel that different (I feel like poo, but nothing like with the twins) and I don't feel anything so I don't know if this is real.

22 pee sticks, three betas and two ultrasounds should help it sink in, but it doesn't.

We told people after the second ultrasound where the little nugget had grown quite a bit and popped up with a heartrate at 170, when it was only 100 the last time. I thought it would be like Weight Watchers, where people join to be kept accountable. If I tell people I'm pregnant we can talk about it and then it can be real. I went to a BBQ on Saturday and someone said "I hear congratulations are in order" and then I looked around wondering what the heck they were talking about it.

I know that I can't jinx it. It will happen or it will not happen and there is not one thing I can do, besides refraining from Meth and bungee jumping. I tried going about my regular business, I even ran a 5K a few weeks ago. Now I feel bad and don't have the energy to work out, which should make me feel better, but I feel nothing else.

I told myself it would be so different this time. I wouldn't obsess. I wouldn't rent the hospital grade doppler to listen twice a day for a heartbeat. But I probably will because I just feel too weird and I really need that reassurance, free baby or not.

I went to my first official OB appointment last week. It was like an out of body experience actually. It was really important that I ask about a VBAC and I did and she gave me the info and I listened but I didn't feel anything. I gained three pounds and it didn't worry me. They moved my due date based on the two ultrasounds I had to December 25th, Christmas Day. I can't even think that far ahead. I have some bacteria that can cause preterm labor so I am on antibiotics. I just keep going through the motions and taking my pills and hoping for the best, a take home baby in December.

One month until the end of the first trimester! Hopefully my NT scan will help drive this home for me and then we can really celebrate each day. I was laying in bed last night and Hubby asked if I needed anything. I said "I NEED TO SEE THE BABY NOW!" I just need to. But I have to have patience and not go cuckoo . . . . . .

Thank goodness for the twins! They keep me super busy. Peanut lays in bed with me playing on the iPad when I feel like poo. Last night we all fell asleep together watching Shrek 2 in our bed (we have a queen bed by the way, not a good idea). We leave soon for the first phase of our summer of us, but we got a little taste at my in-law's cabin. The twins loved boating and they love water!