Thursday, July 19, 2012

Getting Attached

I have had a lot of issues getting attached to this pregnancy. It doesn't seem like reality. A few weeks ago we were at a playland and Peanut got stuck on the long, fast, bumpy slide and wanted me to come help her. I kicked off my shoes, ran up the slide, and went bumping down. Hubby ran over and said "what are you thinking? Are you serious? What are you doing? Do not do that again!" I literally forget this is happening on a regular basis and just go about my business.
When I was pregnant with the twins, I felt so pregnant. Puking. Stretching. Dizzy. That stuff comes and goes. I don't feel pregnant, just tired. I know this comes with any second pregnancy. I am busy with the twins and I just don't concentrate on it. I feel so guilty, because I took belly pictures every single week and documented everything. I realized last week I had taken no belly pics. I have bought not one single thing for this baby when I had purchased things for the twins for sure by this point.

Honestly, if I had been pregnant from a fertility treatment I think it would be different. This feels like a joke. Even though we were hoping this would happen at some point, I didn't really think that it would happen. I keep thinking any minute the Universe will say "really, REALLY? You thought you would get something easy? I don't think so, silly head!" and then BAM! I will be issued some sort of punishment to teach me a big lesson. My friends have said that it's okay, I deserve, I earned it, the Universe owed me. How? I don't think that's true and I feel like joy will=punishment. I don't know what kind.

I went to my beta's expecting the worst. They just kept coming in fine. When my progesterone was pretty low, I thought here it is, miscarriage time. I almost passed out before our first ultrasound thinking that God only knew what things we would find. Just one healthy little fetus, heart beating away. My next fear was the NT scan. Between ultrasound and bloodwork our chances of having any trisomies are 1 in 10,000. Relief. Last week I had a blood test to check our risks of neural tube defects. Everything looked great. Another hurdle crossed. August 9th is our big ultrasound to check anatomy.

I told myself if I ever got pregnant again I would enjoy every minute. It's so hard though to not think of all the "what ifs." Hubby is trying to help me out and he has been talking to the baby. Bad mommy alert - sometimes I drink caffeine on purpose and I can feel baby go crazy and it's such a relief. I can't shake the fear that I will be punished for my good fortune, but I'm trying not to think like that. I cannot wait until that anatomy scan. Three weeks from today. Passing the halfway mark and seeing a tiny body full of healthy organs is going to be huge!

Hubby was encouraging me to take a belly pic so I did! I don't have much of one. This was taken at 16w4d. This little guy or gal has a lot of twin skin to fill up so it could be awhile before we get anything sizeable, but I felt better by doing it, like I was finally giving this fetus some attention!

(Please excuse my frizz ball hair. I hadn't done it yet, but Hubby was about to leave and I was looking decent for once because I was headed out on a girls night to see Magic Mike. Yummo.)

16 week belly 005

16 week belly 004


  1. YAY!!!! you look great, girl!!! I have never been through what you have with IVF but I can only imagine...I spent my whole pregnancy with Addie worried that something wasnt right!!! I hope the next 3 weeks go by quickly for you:)

  2. Beautiful!

    I know how you feel. I miscarried with my second pregnancy & on my third pregnancy, I had all the same thoughts you are having right now. After you go through heartache or obstacles it is hard to believe everything is going to be okay until you are holding that new precious baby in your arms. I am now pregnant with my third son & the worry still doesn't go away. Keeping you in my thoughts!! xoxo

    Sarah @ Keeping up with the Roscow's

  3. Oh Ashley you look wonderful!
    Attached or not... you are glowing.

    I honestly know the feeling of detachment... I felt that way with the twins I think up until the point where I had to give birth. I was happy and enjoyed it but I let fear control me more. You are doing great and will have an amazing lil guy or gal very soon =)

  4. You look adorable!
    I was exactly the same way with my singleton (just had him 6/12/12), and literally up until the time I had him I didn't think it was real. I didn't think it would really happen. He too was a miracle baby - created without any "help" - unlike our twins. But the second he was born and I heard that cry - INSTANT attachment. So seriously, don't worry about not feeling attached. I literally went through my entire pregnancy that way. I mean, I felt his kicks and movements and loved it, but it still didn't seem real, like at any point the pregnancy (and baby) would be taken away from me. And I totally agree...had he been an IVF baby I have difficulty believing that it wouldn't have been different =). Hang in there momma - you are looking great!!!

  5. You look beautiful!! xoxox

  6. You look beautiful as always. I will say that I really had to make an effort to do a pregnancy book for my 2nd. I didn't take nearly as many pictures. Yes, I didn't feel as awful, but when you have a toddler (and you have two) to run after, you don't have time for much. When you do have time, you'd probably rather nap (I love naps).

  7. Cute pics!

    I just nominated you for an award on my blog!!

  8. You look AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! I am so happy for you. I can't believe you're almost halfway through this pregnancy!!!!

    Also: I have been DYING to see Magic Mike. I call dibs on Joe Mangianello.


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