Wednesday, February 15, 2012


Dealing with secondary infertility is much harder than I thought. Partially because of the juggling and the internal conflicts about what is best not just for Hubby and me, but for my beloved nuggets too.

I had hoped for a little compassion, but mostly only found it in the infertile world. Normal people who have kids without treatments find it really difficult to understand. I sort of get where they are coming from and have lowered my expectations about what kind of compassion/sympathy/caring someone should normally expect when they are going through a really tough time and fighting a disease because most people don't look at infertility that way (even though that's what it is), especially now that I have been doubly blessed.

A few days ago I was getting my hair done. I had told her about the FET because she is pretty anonymous and I got my hair done right before the FET was underway. She asked about it. I told her the result and we talked about it a little. All of a sudden I started crying. I told her how lonely and abandoned and unsupported I feel and how much harder it is than I had ever thought seeing ourselves in that embryo growing and alive and then it was just gone, with no back up plan, and it really isn't financially wise for us to try again, so now I am just trying to live with it, and it's hard. I just need some time to get things back on track.

I stopped and she was looking at me. I was flooded with embarassment. To my surprise, she gave me a hug.

Then she did something even more surprising. She told me that she knows I love my twins dearly, but there is nothing wrong with having the love and desire in my heart for more children and there is nothing wrong with feeling pain because I am not able to do it easily, or very possibly, at all, ever again.

I was so totally shocked. She is not infertile like me. Very few peoople that I know in real life whom are not infertile have ever said those things to me or ever intimated that they even grasp the concept. That one sentence made such a huge difference to me because I felt validated. People are always trying to guilt me out of my grief, or belittle it, and it is so confusing. To know that people who haven't walked this road can understand where I come from and offer compassion that would lighten my load a little bit was a huge blessing to me.

As if that weren't enough, several hours after I left, I received a text from her saying that she would be there for me anytime I wanted to talk about it. Is she even real? How could someone be so caring?

I thought I was just going to get a new 'do, but my soul got uplifted as well.



  1. Wow! She said that very well! And, I totally agree with her. I, too, am going through secondary IF after primary IF and I couldn't have phrased it that well. I'm really surprised a non-IFer "got" it. Btw, I am way impressed with your five mile run stats!! Way to go!

  2. So nice! I will admit that before Maggie came into my life I had a hard time feeling as bad for secondary infertiles as I did for infertiles without any children (you got to be both! Lucky you. NOT), but now that I have Mags and know how much joy she brings to my life, it only makes me want another even more and the thought that there would be a possibility of not being able to makes me heart ache just like it did while I waited for her.

    So glad you got to talk to someone who got it.

  3. So glad you found some compassion, live and in person.

  4. Many, many hugs. I have twins that are the result of Clomid/IUI for secondary infertility. Yeah, there was nothing wrong with my family when we had two kids, but we felt in our hearts that we needed a third (and got a bonus fourth). Infertility sucks and until you've lost pregnancies and struggled to conceive, you don't know how awful it is.

    I'm glad that you found someone who cares and understands. (((HUG)))

  5. Oh - there are those eyelashes!! ♥

    As much as support from online helps, finding someone face to face who can hug you and show they understand is amazing! I'm glad you opened up to her and she knew just what to say. ;-)

  6. What a great post...finding someone who understands and expresses it appropriately...hugs...


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