Monday, December 19, 2011

Unhappy Camper

The day after the big fat negative, I was okay actually. Wednesday was a fine day. I'm not pregnant this time but maybe next time. I felt good playing with the twins and realizing that I have already graced this earth with exceptional human beings and that does make me happy. They make me very happy.

Thursday, on the other hand, was the beginning of the descent into Hell. Thursday night I got my period so there was just no denying the reality of this. I cried a few tears again, but thought I'd be okay.

Friday was worse. I am angry . So extremely angry. I thought of the fresh IVF and all the money and emotions and energy and time spent on that cycle that made the frostie. Then I thought of all the feelings we felt and money we paid each times it's storage bill came. I thought of the time and effort and money of this FET and then I thought of how all of that was riding down the drain on a tampon to the sewer with piss and shit and I was so mad I can't describe it.

Today is Monday and I still a very angry person. I am sad. I am depressed. I am so jealous that I have hit a new low of being resentful of even infertiles who are getting BFP's right now. I can't stomach it. I found a bunch of great new blogs but nearly all of them are pregnant so I can't follow them. Not right now anyway. I haven't visited my favorite message boards in a few days and don't see myself doing it for awhile because I just don't want to see other people's great news and feel like shit.

Yes, people are dying of cancer. Yes, there are starving children in Africa. Yes, there are people without jobs and homeless and hungry. And yes, I do have the two most beautiful children in the world already and that isn't going to be taken away from me. All of those things are really awful things (except my beautiful children). But that doesn't make me feel better about having to choose between getting to spend more time with my children and live in a better neighborhood or having a third child, which I really want and can't shut those feelings off. I think it's bullshit I have to decide to put my current family back by years again paying tens of thousands of dollars on a chance at getting pregnant or just living each day feeling upset about not being able to have more children when hubby and I have always wanted a big family. And the thought of sacrificing all those things to do IVF and I still don't get pregnant (which is a real possibility) makes me wonder what kind of psych wards my insurance will cover. It makes me SO VERY ANGRY that I can hardly handle being around other human beings. I am taking a break from internet activities until I can feel like a decent human being myself.

I'm sorry if this isn't what people want to hear, but too bad. If I had a dollar for everything people tell me that I don't want to hear I could do IVF 50 times. Like "at least you're young." Really?!?!? A lot of good that's done me. I'm bitter. I'm angry and I'm going to allow myself to be a selfish prick if that's what it takes to get me out of this rut.

In other news . . . .

1. I will be doing a lap in January to make sure everything looks normal other than my stupid eggs.

2. My goal is to lose 16.6 pounds by the summer.

3. My children are out of town for awhile and I miss them so much! I know they are having fun and their immune systems are going to get a nice long break between this week and next, but I miss them so bad I'm not sure what to do with myself.




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  2. Take the time you need. I look forward to your return to the blog.

    There is nothing to say to console you, and fuck everyone who attempts to minimize your loss. 27, 37, whatever the age--IF sucks and a BFN feels like the end of the fucking world.

    Many hugs to you. Oh, and the lap sounds like a great idea. Nothing like a good camera in your lady bits to see how things are hanging.

  3. I am so sorry the frostie didn't work out. Take care of yourself.

    I hope all of the fun and magic of Christmas through the eyes of 20-month-olds will bring you some smiles.

  4. In all honesty, i think you have every right to be angry. You have every right to be resentful. That's what I tell myself anyway!

    I hope that this Christmas will bring you lots of joy and that it will bring you around to a place where you're not hurting.

    Thinking of you!

  5. :( Sorry you're feeling that way. I think it's totally ok to get angry. I'm an infertile that got a BFP and I feel super guilty about it. Hope things turn around for you.

  6. You are speaking to the choir here... I understand pissed and angry right now. Know there are people out here that totally relate. Misery loves company!

  7. I am so sorry this wasn't the cycle for you guys. There is so much involved. I think fertile people don't "get that" part either. It isn't just about the money. (not that the money isn't a HUGE hurdle)

    You certainly are allowed to be angry and upset. Take your time and move forward as you can. You are not alone. We are here to read and support whenever you feel like posting!

    I can't wait to see some O&E Christmas morning pictures!!

  8. I don't think it matters how many kids you have, when you want more and can't its devastating. I have a 16 year old and then a 7 yr old, 17 month old and am pregnant with twins. All IVF but the 16 year old. I too struggled with the $ aspect each time but we always dreamed of a big family! Follow your heart! I believe that the kids are missing out on some things, yes, but they are gaining so much with the love of a big family.

  9. I know how you feel about everyone on blogs suddenly being pregnant... it's like when every one of your friends announces a pregnancy except worse because there are so many more of them. Mentally, it's kind of where I'm at right now - not for infertility reasons, but other reasons. Same story, different day, in a way.


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