I know, I know, only I can make decisions for myself. But I just don't want to! Spending lots of time off of work with the twinsies helped a lot, but I have big decisions to make. Here is a glimpse into my crazy mind and all the things running through my head:
1. To IVF or not to IVF? Immediately after the big BFN (big because it was FET style, not all the usual ones I have with a regular cycle for the months before that), I thought I would for sure, HAVE to do a fresh IVF. We are signed up for the May/June cycle. I'm not sure if I want to though. If I do that, I could lose all my chances of moving neighborhoods (this isn't a vanity thing, the Kindergarten in our neighborhood is a big no and I don't really agree with homeschooling, but I will if we still live here) and also being a stay at home mom in the foreseeable future. I go back and forth on it. I like working okay, but our daycare bills are higher than our mortgage so it seems silly sometimes, but my health care is really awesome. So financially, the IVF is a scary situation. $15,000. Ouch.
2. The other issue is twins. I knew if I ever did IVF again, I would only transfer one. Well . . . I just did that and it didn't work. Transferring two instead of one slightly raises your chance of success. As far as twin pregnancies go, mine was pretty easy and full term to boot. But twin pregnancy with twin toddlers? That sounds like a terrible idea. Twin infants? That was not fun. 100% worth it, but really hard. That would be very very hard on me and even worse, that would be unfair to the twins I already have. I don't think I could walk in there and confidently transfer one and I'm not spending $15K on something I don't feel fairly confident about. Also Hubby is not to keen on the idea of twins again. He really wants to the the IVF, but as long as we don't agree, it will not happen.
3. Adoption. We have almost fully filled out our foster care packet and have a few more things to do. Over the weekend we had two kiddos over and I had four kids running around and I absolutely loved it. But (there is always a but), I think of how Osh and Peanut fight over mommy time and how that might affect them. I think of what would happen if they get really attached to the foster child and he/she gets taken away from us, which is very likely to happen. I don't want to be offensive, but I also wonder how I will feel. Will I feel differently about a non-biological child? How will our friends and family treat that child? How will the child feel in comparison to Ocean and Ever? It's a really hard decision.
4. I would like to just keep continuing to try on our own, but that is just not possible for my body. People keep telling me how I have all this time, but if I needed intervention at 23 I can't imagine waiting much longer would be great. I was hoping to be one of those people whose body corrected itself after pregnancy, but unfortunately my body is a bigger mess than it ever has been. My ovaries look like hell on the sono and combined with the c-section pain and pulling it just isn't good. Not to mention weight gain. We just got excited about trying on our own and it was fun and then BAM! I got my period two weeks early. Early. EARLY. I read online that this can be due to adequate estrogen levels but low progesterone (check), sudden increase in exercise (check) or stress (super check, all of the above). So while we thought we were giving it a go on our own, we were never even in the game. Yuck. I thought about just doing three months of birth control to give my haywire hormones a break and then 4-6 months of to try on our own and see if maybe a kid comes along, but I'm not sure.
5. Age. Hubby would not like to procreate past when he turns 40, but we would both like to have more kiddos. Please don't take that offensively, age of people does not bother me in anyway, if you want to babymake well into your 60's I really don't care. But for Hubby this is important, and I understand and respect what he is saying. Which means we have less than 5 years to resolve this. That may seem like a long time, but it is short when you think of having to come up with big bucks multiple times and all the things that could happen in between.
6. Letting it go. I hate to admit that I hope beyond hope that I could just wake up one morning and be like "I'm fine, I don't really need a third or more kid." That would actually be ideal. That or a free baby, but I don't think either one will happen. It would just be the easiest thing in the world to decide that I'm good and move on. I am trying to do that, but it is tough. When I was five years old and my youngest sibling was brought home from the hospital, I just knew that being a mom was the life for me. I have always wanted a house full, four or five kids. Hubby and I were watching a movie a month back and there was a family with a table of six kids (that's too many for me personally, maybe) and he said he can't wait until we have chaos like that in our home. Not only will I feel let down, I think I will feel eternally guilty if I don't make this happen somehow. But I don't want to feel guilty. I want to want to be done.
Do you see this mess? I just want someone to tell me what to do, but I know it's time to put on the big girl panties. I have until May to make up my mind.
On a side note, I lost a follower yesterday. What? You don't want to hear about my pubic hair trims? Also, I did some unfollowing yesterday. I have removed blogs from my blogroll before, but never totally unfollowed. So weird!