Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Someone Tell Me What To Do

I know, I know, only I can make decisions for myself. But I just don't want to! Spending lots of time off of work with the twinsies helped a lot, but I have big decisions to make. Here is a glimpse into my crazy mind and all the things running through my head:

1. To IVF or not to IVF? Immediately after the big BFN (big because it was FET style, not all the usual ones I have with a regular cycle for the months before that), I thought I would for sure, HAVE to do a fresh IVF. We are signed up for the May/June cycle. I'm not sure if I want to though. If I do that, I could lose all my chances of moving neighborhoods (this isn't a vanity thing, the Kindergarten in our neighborhood is a big no and I don't really agree with homeschooling, but I will if we still live here) and also being a stay at home mom in the foreseeable future. I go back and forth on it. I like working okay, but our daycare bills are higher than our mortgage so it seems silly sometimes, but my health care is really awesome. So financially, the IVF is a scary situation. $15,000. Ouch.

2. The other issue is twins. I knew if I ever did IVF again, I would only transfer one. Well . . . I just did that and it didn't work. Transferring two instead of one slightly raises your chance of success. As far as twin pregnancies go, mine was pretty easy and full term to boot. But twin pregnancy with twin toddlers? That sounds like a terrible idea. Twin infants? That was not fun. 100% worth it, but really hard. That would be very very hard on me and even worse, that would be unfair to the twins I already have. I don't think I could walk in there and confidently transfer one and I'm not spending $15K on something I don't feel fairly confident about. Also Hubby is not to keen on the idea of twins again. He really wants to the the IVF, but as long as we don't agree, it will not happen.

3. Adoption. We have almost fully filled out our foster care packet and have a few more things to do. Over the weekend we had two kiddos over and I had four kids running around and I absolutely loved it. But (there is always a but), I think of how Osh and Peanut fight over mommy time and how that might affect them. I think of what would happen if they get really attached to the foster child and he/she gets taken away from us, which is very likely to happen. I don't want to be offensive, but I also wonder how I will feel. Will I feel differently about a non-biological child? How will our friends and family treat that child? How will the child feel in comparison to Ocean and Ever? It's a really hard decision.

4. I would like to just keep continuing to try on our own, but that is just not possible for my body. People keep telling me how I have all this time, but if I needed intervention at 23 I can't imagine waiting much longer would be great. I was hoping to be one of those people whose body corrected itself after pregnancy, but unfortunately my body is a bigger mess than it ever has been. My ovaries look like hell on the sono and combined with the c-section pain and pulling it just isn't good. Not to mention weight gain. We just got excited about trying on our own and it was fun and then BAM! I got my period two weeks early. Early. EARLY. I read online that this can be due to adequate estrogen levels but low progesterone (check), sudden increase in exercise (check) or stress (super check, all of the above). So while we thought we were giving it a go on our own, we were never even in the game. Yuck. I thought about just doing three months of birth control to give my haywire hormones a break and then 4-6 months of to try on our own and see if maybe a kid comes along, but I'm not sure.

5. Age. Hubby would not like to procreate past when he turns 40, but we would both like to have more kiddos. Please don't take that offensively, age of people does not bother me in anyway, if you want to babymake well into your 60's I really don't care. But for Hubby this is important, and I understand and respect what he is saying. Which means we have less than 5 years to resolve this. That may seem like a long time, but it is short when you think of having to come up with big bucks multiple times and all the things that could happen in between.

6. Letting it go. I hate to admit that I hope beyond hope that I could just wake up one morning and be like "I'm fine, I don't really need a third or more kid." That would actually be ideal. That or a free baby, but I don't think either one will happen. It would just be the easiest thing in the world to decide that I'm good and move on. I am trying to do that, but it is tough. When I was five years old and my youngest sibling was brought home from the hospital, I just knew that being a mom was the life for me. I have always wanted a house full, four or five kids. Hubby and I were watching a movie a month back and there was a family with a table of six kids (that's too many for me personally, maybe) and he said he can't wait until we have chaos like that in our home. Not only will I feel let down, I think I will feel eternally guilty if I don't make this happen somehow. But I don't want to feel guilty. I want to want to be done.

Do you see this mess? I just want someone to tell me what to do, but I know it's time to put on the big girl panties. I have until May to make up my mind.

On a side note, I lost a follower yesterday. What? You don't want to hear about my pubic hair trims? Also, I did some unfollowing yesterday. I have removed blogs from my blogroll before, but never totally unfollowed. So weird!


  1. I feel like in your heart you know the answer and I can read it between the lines. I honestly think you should do the IVF. If you don't, you will probably be running this dialogue in your head forever or at least a long, long time. Maybe you will respond better and have more embabies to choose from or freeze (if that is even an option - I know how pricey that is).

    The other option (and it does make more sense financially) is get on BCP, see if your ovaries do well on it, and then try naturally for 6 months to a year. If things are still wacky, then move on to IVF.

    I'm all for adoption too though and you have a heart for it. I understand your concerns though.

    This is all easy for me to say, obviously, because it's not me having to do any of it!! Whatever you decide, I hope that you can be at peace with it.

  2. It really sucks that you have to choose between babies and a better neighborhood, so I'm sorry. I think I tend to agree with what Kelly said. Good luck making your decision!

  3. I would go for it. I personally want the kids to be as close in age as possible. You could always think about moving anyway and running a small daycare out of your home; your own business would make your house a business expense, etc., for tax purposes. That way, you can be in a better neighborhood, send the school aged kids to a good school, be a SAHM to the little ones, AND have a thriving daycare business without ever leaving your house.

    Wow. I just solved all the world's problems.

    Seriously, I would just go for the IVF. And I'd do SET. You created great embryos/blasts the first time. Get your body healthy again (check the ute to make sure it is blast/embryo ready) and go for it.

  4. Hi Ashley - new follower (old reader!), and thought I'd introduce myself! I'm so sorry you're facing the old familiar demons of infertility again and had such a crappy end of 2011. Regarding your current situation (and I totally get the hubby's age factor - mine is much older which has made our childbearing seem that much more urgent as well), I'd go for it. While the sticker shock of IVF is totally daunting, you know firsthand how priceless a positive outcome is... Good luck!

  5. So sorry...Ian is only 6mths old and I'm constantly going over some of these same questions in my head, it is so anxiety provoking and makes me angry we're even in this position. I hear you on the pain of laying down another 15k, but if it brings you a child you probably won't regret it. In terms of the biological uncertainty. I can tell you from our experience of conceiving via embryo donation it absolutely hasn't made a difference. Also completely understand about the age concern, another reason I'm also already thinking ahead to our next FET. And the foster to adoption concerns are very valid. It is difficult to open not only your heart but your families as well to a child and have that potential for pain if they are taken from the home. Wish I had a definitive answer for you, all I can say is follow your heart and know we'll all be hearing cheering beside you whatever you decide ((hugs))

  6. These are all really tough issues with lots to consider. Remember, my favorite thing to do in cases of really big decisions is flip a coin. I klnow that sounds silly, but it will give you a glimpse into your true gut feeling. When you see the result of the flip - you will either be overjoyed because it was what you wanted, or you will feel really disappointed because you wanted the other outcome. And, then you get your answer.

    I think in your case, you probably should try the IVF. For us, we always knew we wanted 2 kids. So, twins was a super IF bonus. Buy one get one free. Done. But, you and your husband mention more kids a lot. I think that is how your family is meant to be.

    You know from BZ & FB that we have 2 mutual friends with double twins. My next door neighbor has a songle, twins, twins ... all natural (mind boggling, isn't it?) So, it can be done. But, I think if it were me, and the risk of twins was pretty high (ie transferring 2) I might want my first set to be a little older first. 3 or 4 before pregnancy. Then again - having another baby/ies when O&E are little will make O&E not really remember any life before their siblings and grow up altogether. There are positives for close in gae as well as farther apart. But, 4 in diapers... whoa.

    Adoption. I think that would be another wonderful way to have your complete family. But, I once read somewhere (and it really stuck with me) that if you have kids and then plan to adopt, you shouldn't mess up the birth order. I can almost see it happening with foster kids, too. Taking in kids older than O&E might really confuse them. Unless it was considerably older. My best friend had several foster kids before she and her husband split (all older than their own kids). She once had custody of both a teen mother and that girl's baby, too. The parents who kicked the pregnant girl out, then took the baby, but the teen turned 18 and left the system, I guess. Heartbreaking.

    I think you're right on trying on your own. Sadly, I don't think that will work for you. Like you said, if you needed intervention at age 23, it isn't going to improve as you age. So sorry!!!!

    Now, all of that involves having more kids. Doing another IVF or more. But, I really like the idea of you getting the kids into a better school district. That is really important. I studied music ed in college, but have no desire to homeschool. I don't want to hold both the role of Mom and Teacher. I want my kids to learn from many adults. I want them to have the school experience. So, schools are important to us. I mentioned it in an entry today, even.

    Wow. Even wordier than normal. Sorry! xoxox

  7. HARD decisions.
    I personally would go on BCP for a couple months, then try naturally for 6 months. BUT, I would talk to your OB/RE about getting some prometrium or something first to correct your progesterone issues and sustain a pregnancy if you would happen to concieve on your own. I think if you know what a potential barrier to getting/maintaining pregnancy may be, find a way to correct it ahead of time! I know you are hating people who have gotten pregnant on their own right now after IVF, and I happen to be one of those evil people too, so I apologize in advance. We started fertility crap at 25/26 (got preg at 28) so we were young too, and it still happened naturally for us after IVF twins (even with me only having one tube and stage IV endo). I had to supplement progesterone though, or I for sure would have lost the pregnancy, so I'm kind of speaking from experience with the progesterone issues. And sorry if my being pregnant is hurtful =( ....I don't mean for it to be...
    If trying on your own doesn't work, after 6 months I would do IVF. I too was terrified of having twins again, but I would be even more terrified of not getting pregnant at all after spending 15 K to transfer one embie. Our thought process on how many to transfer was always "would you rather have 2 babies (3 babies, etc.) or none?". If you would rather have two then not get pregnant at all, then that's your answer. Just my two cents worth again there...I feel like I totally get where you are coming from.
    I LOVE My Vegas's idea of the in home daycare AND moving to a nicer area. BRILLIANT! Have your cake and eat it too!!
    Jill's idea of flipping a coin is great as well - she's right, you will know the answer based on your gut reaction to the outcome. So insightful Jill!
    As for foster care - we too were signed up to do foster to adopt and were going through the classes when I got pregnant with the girls....I echo your concerns (with kids being taken back and such)...and because of this I don't think it's the right idea for you guys at this point...again though, that's just my two cents worth.
    Good luck in your decision making!

  8. Wow. Our stories and situations are quite similar. We started intervention at 23, too! BUT, it took two IVFs to get our one baby. And, now, I am ready for baby #2 (or #2 and #3!).

    I feel very lucky that I can afford(ish) IVF, but I sure wish I didn't have to spend all that $$ on a chance!

    Good luck on making your decision!

  9. Stopping by from SITS Girls, just wanted to say that your blog is wonderful and I love how open & honest you are! I'm sending good thoughts your way for all of these decisions!


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