"Are You Crying Again?"

It began yesterday. I spent a night tossing and turning and experiencing intense cramps. I ran to the bathroom many times to see if the blood was here yet, because it usually comes several days before beta test. The blood didn't come yet. I went back to bed at about 8:15 a.m. and began crying. Not just tears running down, but sobbing, blubbering, trying to suck in air and all that jazz. With all this pain I can't picture this being a success. I cried and cried, thinking that I believed I had finally done enough. When will it be enough? Then I tried to calm myself, thinking maybe I have done enough and this will be a success after all.

GQ heard me crying from all the way downstairs. I thought he was still sleeping, and even if not, I figured there was no way he could hear. But he did.

Hubby came up with Little Bub to check on me and I started crying again. Little Bub's lower lip poked out and he reached for me to hold him, or maybe he was trying to hold me. GQ yelled up the stairs "are you crying again?"

"No!" I yelled back.

"I can hear you!" he said. I felt terrible. I decided to take some Extra Strength Tylenol because maybe if I couldn't feel the cramps, I could pretend they weren't there. We got ready to go and went to Target for groceries. It took quite awhile, we had a lot of stuff to get. I unloaded everything, it got bagged, and I was ready to pay, go and enjoy the rest of my day.

I left my wallet on the dining room table. OF COURSE! I tried to pay by check but didn't have my driver's license. I made it to the car before completely losing my shit again. I went home and when hubby got back to be with the boys I slept for 3 hours. We ended up having a nice evening eating with a family member. We brought home Stinky T, my 5 year old cousin, to go to the zoo with us and spend the night. The Corolla gets a little crowded with three carseats in it.

We had a nice day at the zoo. My cramps were intense at one point in the night and I have been feeling the urge to vomit all day. Just walking at the zoo made me feel like I had been running for miles. We had to skip the Australia loop because I couldn't take it anymore. It was nice to get moving and get fresh air though.

I go in and out of feeling hopeless and hopeful. I want this so bad. Tuesday will be the best or worst day I've had in a long time. I wouldn't even think that this wasn't going to work until earlier in the week when my cramping started. Just contemplating the possiblity of this being a failure is enough to push me over the edge.

Two more days and life could be completely different.