Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Making Babies is Hard For Some of Us

Remember when you were a freshman in high school? You have to take health class, and in that health class, you discuss, much to your embarassment or delight, SEX. And sex is so powerful that you could get pregnant the very first time, even if he pulls out. And so you relentlessly practice placing a condom on a banana because you don't want to be one of "those girls." You may even sneak off to Planned Parenthood to get birth control if you are really dedicated. Then high school graduation comes and goes, college graduation comes and goes and you can be satisfied to know that your efforts have not been in vain and you have made it pregnancy free!

Now, you are in serious, true love and getting married! You and your fiance start making plans, meet with the OB to ask what to do, start taking vitamins and ditch birth control forever. A variety of names are picked and the room of the house that will be the nursery is chosen. When you see a pregnant woman or a little baby, you can feel the butterflies and get that little sparkle in your eye knowing that you are about to be in that same glorious situation.

Then you start trying. The trying period is wonderful, lots of you know what. But then the months start ticking by . . . wth?? You think to yourself, doesn't this happen by accident all the time? So you head back to the OB and they tell you you're young and impatient, any average person only has a 20% chance of getting pregnant a month, maybe you could try something natural, like acupuncture.

You lay on a table with needles poking out of spots of your body that you never thought possible (my forehead, my ear, what??). You think happy thoughts and listen to music that sounds like waves crashing on a beach to relax. But you still see that negative time and again. So finally the doctor agrees to humor you and see what the deal is. Lo and behold, you have infertility issues! Let the games begin!

You feel the sting of being inadequate and broken. You send your hubby in with a plastic cup and a Playboy to see if he is broken as well. You take an oral medication that makes you sweat like a whore in church (although it's winter) and get blood drawn every month for 8 months, no baby. You cry and cry and then move on to a specialist. The specialist is particularly important because now you will no longer have to go to the OB's office and stare at hundreds of pregnant women while you wait (or wait in the bathroom hiding from them so you don't have to publicly humiliate yourself with a freakout). You then pay the specialist big bucks while your hubby injects you nightly in the stomach with meds, you go in every few days to see if you are ready to make babies, then your hubby gets to once again use that fabulous plastic cup so that the doctor and wash out his little soldiers and then artificially place them inside your lady business. Romantic, right?

You try this three times, no baby. You spend days in bed crying into your pillow as friends and family celebrate their new pregnancies. You cry so much that your mascara swirls all over your face and you could become the body double for the Joker in Batman. You stay in bed so much that the only thing that makes you leave it is the fact that you need a job and there are bills to pay. You think about Darwinism, and what is really the purpose of my life? You wonder why God hates you and why druggies can have babies but you can't. You think back through your entire life and think of all the imperfect behavior you had and wonder if this is divine retribution. You pray that your husband will leave you so that you won't be responsible for him not ever having a biological child. You alienate friends and family. You feel, basically and bluntly, like a piece of crap.

But this gets old. You want to be happy again and enjoy life. But you never stop wanting to hold your child in your arms and fulfill your dream of being a parent. So you make a decision . . . . .

This has been my life experience for the past 2 years, 5 months, and 1 week. We have recently made the decision to go with the big guns, IVF. I want to share this experience with you.

16 comments:

  1. We are about ready for our 2nd IUI and moving onto IVF next month if it doesn't work. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I find the more detail I get about other people's procedures, the calmer I get. Good luck in this cycle!

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  2. I am in tears as I read your words. We have a DD through the "miracle of adoption" and she is worth every bit of pain, sadness and disappointment we endured for over 5 years trying to have a child. That being said, not matter how much I love my DD and think the way she came into our lives was truly "meant to be"...the pain of never being able to conceive and birth a child is still there. Your paragraph that begins with "you try this three times, no baby" really hits home. So true, I still have moments where I am in tears wishing I had some answers. Wishing I wwas not "unexplained". Wishing I had the ability to have a sibling for our DD. Wishing I could maybe give my husband the son I always dreamed of having. Wishing it could have been as easy for us as it appears to be for everyone I know outside of my IF World of friends and acquaintances. Wishing I didn't have to look at the bellies, ultrasound photos and "nugget" journeys of other family member's pregnancies on my Facebook page every day. Wishing the other family member was having a boy and not a girl so my DD could be the only little girl for just a bit longer. I know that is selfish but it took such a LONG time for us to build our family (we started with RE in 2001 and she was born in 2008)...can't she be the only one for a little longer? I am not a bad person, but sometimes the bitter feelings get me:( Best wishes on your journey, Ashley. Thank for sharing your thoughts...you're a terrific writer and I do like how straightforward you are...Lori (resolve bb)

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  3. Beautifully written post, Ashley!

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  4. What a lovely post - of course, discovering you now, with your beautiful children and "happy ending" - it is so hard to try and even imagine what that was like for you. Thank you so much for sharing!

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  5. Sorry for the bumpy road but now look where that road led you...With 2 adorable babies, yeah!

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  6. I can so relate to this post. I traveled a long and difficult road to get pregnant.

    You have a great blog and Congrats on your SITS day.

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  7. This is a lovely post. I have a young friend who is struggling with this. I will share the post with her. Happy SITS day!

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  8. I'm so inspired by your bravery and courage! You know the saying "weeping endures for a night but joy comes in the morning?" Well, that's what came to mind while I was reading your post. The long, arduous road you and your DH traveled to get to where you are now, motherhood, was tough--as you very well articulated. I join you in rejoicing over your children! They are truly adorable. I know you'll inspire many mom-hopefuls, too. Happy SITS day :)

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  9. Wow. Congratulations on a hard road well-traveled and well rewarded. This blog is an important voice for all of the women out there going through the same thing.

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  10. Beautifully written! Happy SITS day!

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  11. A subject near and dear to my heart. My sister went through the same struggle. Congrats on your beautiful babies! Happy SITS Day!

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  12. What an incredible journey you have been through to get your babies! It does make me feel good knowing the end result while I read this... Happy for you and your gorgeous babies!

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  13. What an incredible journey you have been through to get your babies! It does make me feel good knowing the end result while I read this... Happy for you and your gorgeous babies!

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  14. That was gritty and real and beautiful. Congratulations on becoming a mother!

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  15. During the 2 years it took me to get pregnant with our first son, I had multiple friends get pregnant. I also had a friend's 16 year old sister get accidentally pregnant. I cried and cried. How was it fair? We did finally get our son, and after having him I found out about a bunch of medical issues (PCOS, Insulin Resistance etc etc), got them treated, and got pregnant on my own the 2nd time. I'm so glad that you got your babies, and on the first try of IVF. They are adorable!

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  16. Thank-you for being willing to share these feelings and this experience with us! I'm so glad that the IVF has worked for you. :-)

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