Making Babies is Hard For Some of Us

Remember when you were a freshman in high school? You have to take health class, and in that health class, you discuss, much to your embarassment or delight, SEX. And sex is so powerful that you could get pregnant the very first time, even if he pulls out. And so you relentlessly practice placing a condom on a banana because you don't want to be one of "those girls." You may even sneak off to Planned Parenthood to get birth control if you are really dedicated. Then high school graduation comes and goes, college graduation comes and goes and you can be satisfied to know that your efforts have not been in vain and you have made it pregnancy free!

Now, you are in serious, true love and getting married! You and your fiance start making plans, meet with the OB to ask what to do, start taking vitamins and ditch birth control forever. A variety of names are picked and the room of the house that will be the nursery is chosen. When you see a pregnant woman or a little baby, you can feel the butterflies and get that little sparkle in your eye knowing that you are about to be in that same glorious situation.

Then you start trying. The trying period is wonderful, lots of you know what. But then the months start ticking by . . . wth?? You think to yourself, doesn't this happen by accident all the time? So you head back to the OB and they tell you you're young and impatient, any average person only has a 20% chance of getting pregnant a month, maybe you could try something natural, like acupuncture.

You lay on a table with needles poking out of spots of your body that you never thought possible (my forehead, my ear, what??). You think happy thoughts and listen to music that sounds like waves crashing on a beach to relax. But you still see that negative time and again. So finally the doctor agrees to humor you and see what the deal is. Lo and behold, you have infertility issues! Let the games begin!

You feel the sting of being inadequate and broken. You send your hubby in with a plastic cup and a Playboy to see if he is broken as well. You take an oral medication that makes you sweat like a whore in church (although it's winter) and get blood drawn every month for 8 months, no baby. You cry and cry and then move on to a specialist. The specialist is particularly important because now you will no longer have to go to the OB's office and stare at hundreds of pregnant women while you wait (or wait in the bathroom hiding from them so you don't have to publicly humiliate yourself with a freakout). You then pay the specialist big bucks while your hubby injects you nightly in the stomach with meds, you go in every few days to see if you are ready to make babies, then your hubby gets to once again use that fabulous plastic cup so that the doctor and wash out his little soldiers and then artificially place them inside your lady business. Romantic, right?

You try this three times, no baby. You spend days in bed crying into your pillow as friends and family celebrate their new pregnancies. You cry so much that your mascara swirls all over your face and you could become the body double for the Joker in Batman. You stay in bed so much that the only thing that makes you leave it is the fact that you need a job and there are bills to pay. You think about Darwinism, and what is really the purpose of my life? You wonder why God hates you and why druggies can have babies but you can't. You think back through your entire life and think of all the imperfect behavior you had and wonder if this is divine retribution. You pray that your husband will leave you so that you won't be responsible for him not ever having a biological child. You alienate friends and family. You feel, basically and bluntly, like a piece of crap.

But this gets old. You want to be happy again and enjoy life. But you never stop wanting to hold your child in your arms and fulfill your dream of being a parent. So you make a decision . . . . .

This has been my life experience for the past 2 years, 5 months, and 1 week. We have recently made the decision to go with the big guns, IVF. I want to share this experience with you.