Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Taco Bell for the Infertile Soul

The breakdown of my quality mental health has now begun, after months of building it back up! What sent me over the edge today? My IVF Coordinator emailed me to say it's now time for the suppression appointment. At first I was like, woo hoo!! It's finally starting! I rushed home after work to grab my handy IVF calendar (yes, you get a two month calendar of directions) to see what all this would entail. Read through, checked off everything I'm totally ready for, and then, at the bottom, "Your payment of $8500.00 is required at this time."

We have worked for months to figure out a financial plan to go through this at least twice. We have (sort of) figured it out. But it still drives me insane!! We are going to completely drain ourselves for this, I mean set ourselves back for years. But then I create arguments with myself, like "I would spend $12,000.00 on a car." So I think a car vs. a human life?? No problem, I can handle this. Reality sets in some and then there are more arguments. When you go to a car dealership and give them $12,000.00 for a car, you actually get a car. Simple, correct? When I go to the Reproductive Resource Center and give them $8500.00, the pharmacy $2500.00, and the hospital $1500.00, I might get nothing but a broken heart, empty bank account, and fat ass. Or, by some miracle that I honestly can't imagine at this point, I may get a beautiful healthy baby. I need to remember that, but in the panic I am currently in, it's hard. Plus, I've already spent $10,000.00 on treatments and procedures that didn't work.

The other thing is, this fucking pisses me off!!! (please excuse my language) People get pregnant, everyday, for FREE!!! They just have sex, and then get pregnant. I know this is simple biology, but it completely blows my mind. I cannot imagine it. That would be so amazing. Most normal people have no idea how great they have it, they can create miracles themselves. It's crazy! I have anovulation, wonky progesterone levels, and possible endometriosis and luteal phase defect. I just can't comprehend that most people just sit around, and drop out a healthy egg. Literally, it gives me grey hairs at 25 to comprehend the simple biology of 80% of human beings being able to reproduce. I don't get it.

With the weight of all these thoughts, I panicked and cried like a baby. My husband does extra work in the evenings and he was leaving and almost forced me into his work vehicle. He didn't want to leave me here because I have now officially freaked out. But, of course he has to go because we have a fucking $12,000.00 bill coming up!!!! (again, sorry with the language)

Chicken soup, unfortunately, is not hardcore enough for my soul this evening. So I binged on Taco Bell (Toxic Hell as my hubby calls it). I'm seriously considering ice cream as well. I normally only eat Taco Bell if I'm extremely drunk so it's feeling kinda wrong right now. Hopefully it will put me in some type of coma that will allow me to wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow and start fresh!!

One quality aspect of my day is that I received a letter in the mail from my state senator. I write my senator and my representative frequently begging for support for several bills that would require all insurance companies to carry infertility coverage. He actually sent me a letter. I know this may mean that he is sick and tired of my emails, but I still appreciate it. Haven't heard anything from my state rep. I will forgive him though, seeing as how our country is in a terrible economy, we are at war, more people are unemployed and in poverty, there's a hole in the ozone layer, and people are pointing nuclear weapons in our direction, he may have some more important things to think about besides my desperate need to have funding to procreate.

I think it's important though, so I will continue with my annoying and incessant trail of emails, just to soothe my infertile soul!


  1. Great blog! Sometimes it feels so good to get it ALL out there! By the way, hubby and I had our own binge tonight...KFC. Ugh.

  2. You express it SOOOO well! Ughhhh...the range of emotions we IFers experience...SOOOO frustrating...I wish I would have kept a blog back then...it may have been so helpful to GET IT OUT! I still have the journal I used to write in here and there during our 5+ years of "stuff"...so hard to read now...makes me just sob...I didn't realize at the time just how "low" I was...keep expressing yourself and no need to apologize for language...it's your outlet here...best of luck on this cycle, Ashley...may you be blessed...Lori

  3. Check out your bad self taking on your Senator! You're awesome!

    It's KFC for me. KFC makes me haaaaappy.

  4. This is great! Its nice to know I'm not alone. I share the same feelings with you about people just having babies for free! It REALLY started bothering me when my students, who are in MIDDLE SCHOOL, are able to reproduce! Ugh! This is so frustrating. BTW, I enjoyed the bad language. My husband always says I have a mouth like a sailor, so I always try to hold back (and act like a "lady"), but it felt great reading you get just as frustrated as I do!!


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