Freaked Out Completely

The meltdown occurred! I knew it was brewing in there . . . .

Last night we were invited to a birthday party at a restaurant. I didn't think this was a big deal because I would walk through the parking lot and then sit at a table so it wouldn't be a huge violation of my bedrest. I do that stuff all the time.

As soon as I got out of the car, I felt like my stomach was being pulled down, but weird things happen in pregnancy so I thought about it briefly and then moved on. I starting cramping up a little while waiting to be seated and once we sat down, the contraction began. I could NOT believe the pain. So I started chugging water which is the first line of defense when cramping/braxton hicks/contractions start unexpectedly. I continued to smile and chat but hubby knew things weren't going well. The pain continued and didn't stop. I ate, maybe the babies just need food?? After several hours of this, I told hubby there is something wrong. He said he would get up and go find our check and we would leave, but I didn't want him to do that. Five minutes later when the waiter hadn't come, someone noticed the look on my face. I said I was fine, but then panicked. I got up with my stuff and hubby got up after me and we booked it. I was obviously crying my eyes out and also felt like a total ass for leaving dinner that way. We just left my check card at the table with our friends to pay our tab! Someone in the elevator asked if I was going to have the baby then and I didn't reply because I knew I would probably say something very rude.

We drove home and I was completely freaking out. I did NOT want the babies coming out last night and I was also in total shock at how bad real contractions feel. When we got to the house, hubby said to wait in the car and he could get my bag. Even though I was in pain, my water hadn't broke and I couldn't feel a head or anything so I said that I should go in, lay down and see if it resolves itself with the pressure being off. After a total of 3 hours of contractions, at one point with them coming at 2 minutes apart, they started fading. I *KNOW* my doctor will kill me for not going in, but I just didn't want them coming out and denial is a powerful thing! Today I feel like I have been hit by a truck. My hips, legs and back are intensely sore. My stomach is as hard as a rock, like a permanent contraction. The babies have moved some, but not a ton. I am scared shitless to leave my bed for anything. I also feel like such a drama queen for just bailing out at a sit down dinner with hubby in panic mode.

I thought of two things that made me freak out and get upset as this was happening last night:

1. My body told me NOT to be doing that as soon as I stepped foot in the parking garage. I ignored it and the babies could have been born because I was being an idiot and was dying for a reason to put on some make-up, decent clothes and socialize like a normal human being.

2. I thought of Ever at my Thursday appointment weighing in at 4 lbs. 4 ozs., which made me think of my 5 lb. hand weights. She would be smaller than that, my little purple 5 pound hand weight. And it would be all my fault. I thought of the NICU babies in the video at birthing class (which were actually mostly in the 1-3 pound range, so smaller than my monkeys are right now) and I thought of my babies being in those plastic containers with tubes and things hooked up to them and I totally lost it.

So now I am a hermit. I gathered water, a large collection of DVD's and food for my bed and I am not leaving it. I don't really want to because of the pain in my body, but I am especially not leaving so I don't screw things up again. I've contemplated calling urgent care where my OB nurse works to see if she should check on things as I am in pain, but I'm not having contractions now so I guess I will just hang tight.