I've been cursing the universe for a few years. I started out trying to make babies while I really got into the secret. Positive thoughts, visualizations and relaxation. Vision boards even. All that good stuff. Obviously after a few rounds of Clomid where I was sweating from the hot flashes, it wasn't working, I was packing on weight like nobody's business, and having to go in for blood tests and sit in front of the OB's wall of babies, I told the universe to go eff itself and the positive thoughts flew out the window.
Not only did I just not think positive thoughts, I was bitter and extremely pissed. I've already admitted to being judgemental and I could not believe that people could get pregnant in their circumstances. I did everything right so I should be having a baby!
I have become shamelessly addicted first to "16 and Pregnant" and now to "Teen Mom." I don't worship it like I do Lost or The Bachelor, but I don't miss an episode. I would watch "16 and Pregnant" and it would make me fuming pissed. What the hell was wrong with the universe? Why were these little idiots having babies and married, employed, college graduated me was going through hell?
Now I'm pregnant myself and watching "Teen Mom." For all of those girls it could definitely be worse, but in comparison to what I want out of my life, their lives suck pretty bad. Although I've experienced deep depression like never before going through infertility, I think I would be equally as depressed if I had been getting ready to go off to college and have some adventures and instead wound up knocked up by a kid who doesn't really like me and living off my parents. Obviously if I could have avoided going through all the treatments and just got pregnant naturally that would be preferable. Obviously if life were fair everyone would either get pregnant naturally when they want or everyone would have to do their time and spend the big bucks getting knocked up. Obviously if I weren't pregnant right now I would still be cursing the universe with full force.
But it is nice to know that as much as I would have loved to have gotten pregnant easily, I can be proud of my life and know that my babies are coming into a good situation. Two loving, committed, and thrilled parents. A good home. Both of us have been gainfully employed at our jobs, make more money than when we first started trying, and both have benefits. I have already accomplished my goal several years ago of finishing college. We are able to support our babies and ourselves and be good examples. And we have the luxury, which 80% of the procreating population does not, of understanding how truly special, amazing, and awe inspiring it is to be parents. Just because the teenagers have babies does not mean they are lucky. It sounds stupid, but I've thought it before.
I don't think that everything that happens is meant to be. I know that's odd because having that belief is typical human behavior, but I think just about everything happens for no reason. So there really is no reason, in my opinion, that teenagers who can't handle it have babies and loving, wonderful, responsible adults don't. No divine reason anyway, the real reason is that the teenager had sex without contraception. The real reason that I did not get pregnant is not because the universe thought I would be a sucky parent or I hadn't earned my right yet, but because my eggs are too hard to let the sperm in. Simple things.
When people have told me "it will happen when it is supposed to" and "it's meant to be," I thought it was stupid, but know that is how we are trained. It only made me feel worse because I couldn't understand why it wasn't meant to be. So thank you universe. I'm glad that I was never a teen parent and appreciate how lucky I am today for a gift that most people take advantage of. And thanks Dr. B for making some babies for us. So I would like to also thank my brain that has finally made the connection and lifted those guilty thoughts off of my shoulders.
Life is good today.