Natural Childbirth

There are two words two summarize my feelings on this: NOT INTERESTED.

Early on, when I thought there may be just one in there (lots of people with higher betas than me had singletons), hubby was interested in a natural homebirth. He wanted to literally rent a tub and have our child in the living room of our house. I watched some You Tube videos and the answer was absolutely not. I also felt the overwhelming urge to slap him for wanting me to experience that kind of pain when it's not really necessary.

When you watch You Tube videos of this, there is usually not sound, they are set to nice, relaxing music. Last night at class two of our multiples birthing class we watched medical birthing videos. We watched in detail as the baby came out the lady parts and then watched the placenta plop out afterward. Much to my satisfaction, hubby made some uncomfortable noises and after it was over he said "never mind." Yup, that's what I thought you'd say.

I realize that this is natural and women have been doing it for years. Women have been doing lots of other things for years that I wouldn't do. I do not care whatsoever if people want to go out to the forest and give birth in a river or have babies in kiddie pools in the living room. Whatever floats your boat! But if you ever have to have a conversation with someone who has done this, you will realize that like many things other mothers do, they are far superior to you, which is someone like me, who is thrilled to be having a c-section. Have you ever seen "Baby Mama?" There is a portion of their birthing class where the teacher is saying who is going to have a natural, wonderful, spiritual, relaxing birth experience and everyone raises their hand. Then she says, who is planning a harsh, scary, hospital drugged up birth and the surrogate raises her hands and says "whoop whoop!" That's me!

I am no doctor, but I have done some serious research. Four hours of childbirth on You Tube. FOUR HOURS!! I can tell you that pretty much all babies came out exactly the same. There were only two that came out a little different. One was a vaginal birth with epidural that the cord was wrapped around the head. Poor baby. But she was okay. The other was one of the water births that I watched. The baby was seriously confused looking. It had no idea what the hell was going on. By the way, who decided a water birth was natural? It's natural if you're a dolphin or beluga whale, but human's are land mammals. I don't get it. The other two water birth kids came out the same as all the others, vagina's in the hospital, vagina's at home, epidural and drug induced vaginal's and lo and behold, c-section babies (who are more attractive by the way because their heads aren't all smooshed up).

So, women who want me to give you a round of applause for having a natural birth while you look at me in horror as I comfortably think of my c-section, I might give you a pat on the back. Also, smug mamas, a c-section is medically necessary for me as this is my first birth experience and my monkeys have stayed in a t-shape so far. The only other award would be "dumb ass of the year" because really, all the other babies came out the same. Now, I obviously haven't had time to do a follow up study to see if the natural babies are now Harvard scholars and the epidural or c-section babies are high school drop outs so I could be totally off.

But I'm a proud c-section planning mama! Whoop whoop!