Thursday, January 14, 2010

100 Posts

Holy cow, I have now posted 100 times. Weird.

Considering my life is boring, I can't believe I've had 100 things to say since July. It's so odd reading back through them. It also helped me realize I have serious issues with anxiety. :) But who doesn't, right?

Only 6 months ago I was scared and excited to see what IVF would bring me. I remember feeling like the experience was kind of fun and exciting although totally anxiety inducing. Waiting each day for my fert report and seeing my embryos on the TV screen. It was so exciting because it was a piece of me and hubby put together. I think it was a little more exciting than normal due to the hardcore happy pill they gave me for that day. The next day I was crying my eyeballs out because we only had one left to freeze. Several days later I was convinced it didn't work and was researching any other tests I could take to figure out why it didn't happen. I peed on a stick the night before my beta so that I could still go to work and deal with the bad results. But they weren't bad results!

Now I'm completely in love with my fetuses! I dream of holding them, kissing them, and smelling them. But I never feel 100% comfortable. When you get used to sadness, disappointment, anger, and all that good stuff it seems like it should be permanent. The monkeys are healthy. I'm mostly healthy. Viability is one measly little week away.

I wonder if one day I will forget about being infertile. I wonder if after I have my babies I will never be jealous of people who get pregnant naturally again. I wonder if I'll ever be able to forget that I can be a huge failure at something. I don't wonder if I will love my babies more than anything because they didn't come easily because I know it's true. It's just weird feeling. Joy, fear, excitment and total confusion for my 100th post.

Aside from the deep things, I wonder if my boobs could get any bigger. When people told me my boobs would be huge when they were pregnant I thought they just didn't understand. I have 36DD's, so I figured most people's little mosquito bites got bigger because they needed space for milk. Wrong. I wonder if I will completely embarass myself during labor, because even if the pain isn't horrible, my anxiety will cause me to freak out. And just like everyone else, I wonder if I will take a big crap on the table. Hopefully having a c-section will eliminate that. I wonder if the babies will be cute or weird looking. I of course imagine them with the best of each of our features, but they could have the worst of both of our features. I wonder if I'll become a total moron after giving birth like some people I have encountered.

After previewing this post, I realize I need to get a life because all this thinking is making me weird. Does anyone have any ideas for hobbies for people who can't work out and have ADD?

1 comment:

  1. Ashley,
    I can tell you, yes, the infertile label you feel etched into your soul right now will fade. We spent 5 years to get C&G, and yes, it changed us. And bonded us more tightly. Any couple who can conceive children when they aren't even in the room together has to be so in love that they will come out of IF stronger. But, after your babies are born, you will come to view yourself simply as The Twins' Mom. The years of feeling left out as the rest of the world got pregnant around you will fade. Maybe because you are going to be so flippin exhausted, you don't have room for those thoughts. Once you have twins, people generally look at you with awe. Hearing "I don't know how you do it!" is a boost to the morale. But also remember, just because they are miracle babies, you have every right to feel the same stress as every other parent out there. But, I will say, standing in their bedroom and listening to 2 breathing sleeping babies is the most perfect thing to do. Even now, at age 4, I love just listening to them breathe in their sleep and knowing they are mine.
    Now, I can't help you with the boobs... I didn't have those issues!
    with love,
    JILL (from BZ)


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