Friday, November 20, 2009

In the Land of Fertiles

I am in the second trimester and things appear to be pretty lovely. I have ventured out of my tight knit circle of infertile friends a bit to test the water with fertiles. I joined a Due Date Club on a large parenting, childbirth, pregnancy board. This is my attempt to be normal. I can chat guilt free about how awful I am feeling. I can be just like a fertile, with years of sadness erased and stupid bliss written all over me. I thought I would find some comraderie and normalcy (and I did find some very supportive and wonderful individuals), but what I actually found was a bunch of crazy bitches!!

I am not kidding you, these people will claw your eyeballs out over breastfeeding and car seats. They will rip you a new a-hole for getting an epidural. They will fight until the death with you because how on earth could you have a child and still be pro-choice? God forbid you vaccinate or not vaccinate your child. And public school? I never knew how awful it was to have a child and send it to school and then have rules. I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? Rules are only for one type of child and all children can't be expected to have them. And really, only good moms homeschool their children. The rest of you are just losers. And please, not only do excellent moms whip out their boobs and breastfeed in public, they also only use cloth diapers.

I have learned that once you procreate, you are now an expert on all things children and babies. Whatever you do for your child is what every single human on the planet should be doing with their child! Duh! Am I going to become like this? I am going to lose the thought that this is an excellent gift for me to cherish after years of struggle so that I can become a pretentious- super mom- know it all- procreator? Will I be so enraptured by the birth of my sweet babies that I will not notice the portion of my brain that provides logical thought processes in the trash with my placenta?

So, my infertile friends, I will tell you if you ever felt crazy for locking yourself in the OB/GYN office because the sight of pregnant bellies takes the wind out of you, for taking a vacation during Halloween so that you don't have to suffer the emotional distress of all the sweet kiddos in their cute costumes, for feeling paranoid when your girlfriend goes out with you but won't drink a glass of wine, for not being friends with newlyweds because they might spring the news on you at anytime, for meticulously planning your work schedule so you don't have to be in the hallway at the same time as pregnant coworkers, or the million other things I have felt like a nut job for going through infertility, you have NOTHING on a fertile woman!!

And let's not even go into the women whining about how they are struggling to conceive baby #7 . . . yep, that's not a joke! But I will admit I'm addicted. Reading these peoples posts are like watching the paternity tests on Maury, you feel like a loser, but you just can't get enough!

I will leave you with this, a child who was clearly fed the toxic poison we call infant formula . . . :)

parenthood Pictures, Images and Photos


  1. Your post cracked me up!!!! It amazes me how some people push their views on everyone. Here's hoping your brain remains intact and you never become one of them!! =)

  2. hahahahahahahahahahaa

    You seriously just made my day. Thank you for your post. I think that for the most part, these women who post online have too much time on their hands, and being a "mom" is their only identity. I lost two friends when they had kids just for this reason--one went on a breast feeding crusade (and heard she is still breastfeeding and giving away her unused milk).

  3. So, so funny...and TRUE! I also signed up for one of those same type groups recently and was FLOORED at the judgement and negativity...needless to say, I didn't stay too long! :) They are a bit like a train wreck, aren't they? LOL. Can't we all just get along? ;)

    Congrats on your sweet babies and thanks for the comment on my blog. Wishing you all the best...and I'm going to follow along if you don't mind. Never can get too much good news or too many baby updates.


  4. LOL! God, let's hope we don't all go crazy post-childbirth!! I'm so glad there's one SANE preggers out there. ;-)


  5. Omgosh - so funny and true, but you forgot circumcision. That debate is always a good one too. Congrats on your babies, and I enjoyed reading your blog!


  6. You are not destined to be "one of them"! I promise! I am one of the most fertile people I have ever met. Seriously (sorry for admitting that!)....but I could careless what YOU do with your kids ;) We all should get our chance to make our mistakes and scar our children for life....hehe.

  7. You are seriously hilarious. I love the brutalness of this post, mostly because it is all true. I do have to say though, you do lose your mind a bit after the babies are born. Its like you enter this new realm of obliviousness despite your best efforts to not be "that woman." I know, it disgusts me still too. I went from thinking those people were stupid to realizing I get it now. I still cry about my new stupid level. Apparently pregnancy really does affect the brain and you don't get it back. However, I never got anywhere near as stupid as the women you talk about in this post, so you can find comfort there. I think those women are definitely extremists. If you're disgusted by them now, you'll be just as disgusted with them after your babies are born.

  8. I love opinions, but only mine! Don't care to hear someone else's so I hope that I'm like you and learn to keep mine to myself. And that poster is really funny! ICLW

  9. That poster is great. It so reflective.

    And people need to keep their opinions to themselves. When are they going to learn that?

    Stopping by for an ICLW visit...
    No. 2: the unfair struggle (mfi, speedskating, nanowrimo)

  10. You are so right about the crazies over on the boards, but don't forget there are some normal ones, too! You are hilarious. I love your blog, by the way.


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