I am going to have to take a break from the funny stuff and the sexy naked chests to admit that I am getting a little crazy. Yes, I know, I'm already crazy, but in the last few weeks I've been feeling weird. Just emotional and kind of angry and extremely exhausted. But the exhaustion is not just physical, but emotional as well.
This is hard to write out because a lot of my good blogging friends are still on the trail. If I were you and reading what I am going to write, I would be like "what a bitch, she has what I've been working for, who is she to complain?" Which is fair. If I were normal, I would not feel guilty about this, but being infertile changes you and how you think about things. So, I'm about to whine my ass off, if you can't tolerate it, you have been warned (and I understand)!
I don't tend to really like people and would mostly prefer to be away from others (except at night, I don't like to sleep in my house alone). This has intensified big time in the last few months. It went from not really liking people, to the thought of having to be around others enough to make me crawl in my bed and not come out for hours. It has made my job very difficult. I don't know why this got so much worse recently, but it did.
I'm confused. Not like "pregnancy brain" that fertiles talk about all the time. I don't leave my keys in the car or anything, but it's like a sense of not having a grip on reality. Everytime I lay down or drift off at home or when I go to the bathroom at work I lift up my shirt to check the mirror. I feel like this can't be happening. I could understand this if I were still at 7 or 8 weeks, but I am almost 17 weeks pregnant. I've had tons of ultrasounds, but I can't wrap my mind around it. I loathe child birth and breastfeeding conversations and I thought it was because people are so annoying and full of it when chatting about this, but it's because I don't see it as MY reality. I feel like I've stepped into someone else's body and am going through the motions of someone else's life. I completely blame infertility for this (and partially blame the adjustment disorder my therapist diagnosed me with). When I started trying to get pregnant the doctor didn't there would be any issues. It would take about 4 months she said and good luck. Then I went in and the thought I had PCOS and I didn't even need Clomid but I begged her to give it to me. Everyone was baffled when that didn't work. I was given huge odds of success with IUI's. I just think that people can now tell me something, but I don't even think of it as being true. I have honestly wondered if my growing belly is a tumor and not babies. Psycho!! I always thought I would cry at that first sound of a beating heart, but I watch these things happen and I don't connect it to myself.
I'm emotionally drained. I worry all the time. I worry about the babies. I worry about myself and if I'm never going to be me again, but just a big confused, angry mess. I worry about normal pregnant people stuff, like will I survive labor and what if the monkey's come out looking like aliens. What if the monkeys don't even make it to labor?! What if something is terribly wrong with the monkeys?!! What if I become psycho mom? What if my relationship changes forever, which of course it will, but I mean for the worse?
I am flat out pissed off. I feel like I have been pregnant for two years because that is about how long I've had fake hormones flowing through my veins. I feel pissed because I am not myself. At Thanksgiving there were so many babies and instead of enjoying it I was pissed and sad and thinking that should be me! I should have healthy babies in my arms. I am pissed because I have to worry constantly. I am so thankful for my infertile friends, but just reading and hearing their experiences with loss have scarred me for life and made me feel like just because I struggled to get pregnant something terrible is bound to happen. I am pissed because had I not had to spend all my savings on infertility treatments I could probably stay at home for a whole year with my new babies.
And the fact that I am feeling all this makes me feel even worse to the point of sometimes just bursting into tears, even in public. I want these babies more than anything and if I had to do all of this again, of course I would do it. I feel so guilty for having two babies in my body and still feeling all these emotions. I feel like it's this huge sign that I will be the worst mom ever because I am thinking about myself so much. Aren't I supposed to be thinking only about them now? Isn't that the normal instinct? I burst into tears just feeling overwhelmed before I wrote this. I don't feel the babies often yet, but I could feel them moving. Just like they are trying to tell me to get over myself, they are here now, or that everything is going to be okay, or both.
I have another ultrasound in a week and 2 days. Those always pull me into reality a little bit more and make me feel good for awhile. Yep, ultrasounds are a good thing. Knowing that this is going well and that my babies are healthy is the best. A fairy godmother who could tell me that everything is going to be perfect would work too.