Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Emotional and the C-Section Fix Decision

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

After the twins came along, my social life got much better. I didn't feel so awful and my friends and I could all talk babies and we were all parents regardless of how we got there.

I have lots of pregnant or trying to be friends and family right now. It was all happy go lucky for awhile but it's starting to wear on me a bit. Just because I am a happy mama of two does not mean that I want to hear about these things. I thought someday it would be no big deal, but I don't want to talk about it. I just don't.

I think it's because my mind can't help but go to that place. The bitter one. Where I think for a moment "oh, must be nice to get pregnant for free." Then the ball starts rolling and I think that sure, I would be having all kinds of babies because we'd be in a way bigger house because we wouldn't have had to drain our savings just to do something nearly everyone does for free. And the ball rolls and rolls . . .

But luckily it's only briefly because I can quickly remember how thankful I am for two healthy, gorgeous babies. More often than not I think about the money and the pain and think it was such a small price to pay for such an amazing thing and it goes back to being a means to an end and something of the past.

Today I was asked if I thought we would be foster parents again. I said that I would like to but hubby is leaning towards a biological baby and I'm not on board so until we agree we will be enjoying the monkeys and that is that. This was followed by something along the lines of "you don't want another baby? You were satisfied with just one pregnancy? Babies are amazing!"

To be honest, yes, I am perfectly satisfied with just having had one pregnancy. Also the twins are only ONE so the times when I was awake at night feeling like a helpless loser and wondering if I could just run away, maybe just to a hotel, things would be okay. This made me tear up because I feel guilty about it, although it is what it is and it was fleeting, only a matter of months. I also felt raw because I often wonder what is wrong with me that I have a willing hubby and the opportunity to maybe have another baby but I don't want to?

The next thing was questions about IVF and all that comes with it. I have told it over and over again because I want people to know that it's a really tough thing but something that I was okay to do because the end result were the two most beautiful things ever to land on this planet. I yakked and yakked and got to the part about how my butt and stomach were covered in bruises and I had to turn my chair around. I hid in the corner and I cried. I was so shocked because it is usually yesterday's news and just a fact of life. Deciding to do IVF was the best decision I ever made. Why on earth was this making me cry?

I think all the pregnancy and baby and baby making talk is starting to wear me down. I just want to be a regular old mom and pretend that part isn't necessary. I don't want to compare. And just because I am now a mom and everyone thinks I am normal (normal for me anyway) I don't know how to say "PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME ABOUT IT!" Can't we talk about poop or food or developmental stages instead? Anything? So instead I listen and try to be supportive and remember that I got more than everything I ever asked for, but I feel my tolerance starting to slip.

Either that or my period is due in 3 days so I'm just having mood swings, but that intellectual shit sounds better, right?

On the c-section front: I have not made any plans for a surgery. I spoke to my chiropractor about it and he told me that there is acupuncture and massage methods that can help with scar tissue so I will be trying that instead. Cross your fingers!

Now prepare yourself for the goofiness that is my son and the absolute beauty that is my daughter! Hubby scored major points when he saw this picture of her and said that he wants it for his desk at work because she looks so much like her mama!




  1. Love that post! I am exactly the same way and totally have to remind myself of my beautiful baby when I get bummed listening to others have it the easy way. As far as I'm concerned, you're totally normal! :D

    Super cute photos as usual!

  2. Such a great idea for a blog! Isn't it a great outlet for a little contact with the adult world! Keep at it, mama!

  3. Loved this post! I can definitely relate. Even though I feel so blessed to have my baby all the trying to get pregnant talks from my friends who will no doubt be pregnant the moments their husbands look at them are exhausting. And it's hard not to as you said let the ball start rolling and rolling in my head.

    The picture of Ever does look so much like you!


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