Q: What is worse than wondering if you can get pregnant?

A: Wondering if you will stay pregnant.

I never knew this before. Honestly before I thought hearing other infertiles talk about pregnancy with so much anxiety was annoying. They are pregnant!! Isn't that the goal?

But it's not the goal. The goal is to hold a healthy baby in your arms and be a family. All the times I've waited from ovulation to test time to see if I got pregnant have not been harder than the two weeks between each ultrasound. And those were pretty heartbreaking, especially because every single time they were followed by disappointment. Last week, my morning sickness reached an all time high and I was miserable. I also went home from work crying one day because I was cramping and had just a touch of spotting. The OB said it would be weird for an IVF patient to never have any spotting. The IVF nurse said this is all okay, it happens. My uterus is growing twice the size of a normal uterus so that is why I have lots of cramping. Right. So I stuck by my goal of barely making it to my next ultrasound on Wednesday.

This morning I woke up around 5 a.m. with terrible pains. If I hold my pee too long, I get intense cramps down there, but peeing helps. I went to pee and there was brownish pink discharge on the tp. I really did not want to see that. I went back to bed and slept for two more hours before GQ yelled up that he wanted breakfast. I went pee again and no pink, just brown, still having cramps. Then I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling thinking of all the ways I have screwed this up. I went cold turkey off my anxiety meds. The birth of this new family member has sent me over the edge and also caused fights and discomfort between hubby and I. So I spent a good portion of last night crying over an argument with hubby so I knew that had to do it.

I got on the internet and the all knowing master internet said on every page I checked that there is no scientific evidence to the fact that miscarriage could ever be caused by stress, physical activity, or sex. So just because I cried and have been a basket case does not mean that the babies are done with me. Just because I spent a couple of hours at the pumpkin patch with the fosters doesn't mean I have ruined it all. Whew.

I am here to admit that I don't care about my goal. There will be no countdown for today. I already wrote the begging email to the RE's office to please see me tomorrow because there is no way my body or my mental health can make it to Wednesday. How I long for the second trimester!

Current forecast: still crampy with not quite clear, but not terrible tp checks. Well, there was one very bloody tp check but that was due to hemrhoids (how the hell do you spell that?). It's not from pregnancy, I always get them, which I know is totally sexy for a 25 year old.

*On a side note, you may notice that my backgrounds change quite a bit. This is not because I love my backgrounds, it's because I accidentally delete them every few weeks when trying to add/delete other things. I know, I know . . . .