Thursday, October 1, 2009

Denial, Fear, and Guilt

These are the three things that I read are very common in an IVF pregnancy.

1. Denial - After many years of trying it is hard to believe that you are actually pregnant. You constantly question if this is real and can't believe the news even after many tests. Check!!

2. Fear - Fear that you will lost the pregnancy. Fear that you will do something to cause the pregnancy to end. Fear that something will be wrong with the baby. Fear about EVERYTHING. Check!!

3. Guilt - Many IVF patients feel they cannot complain about pregnancy symptoms or talk about it to friends out of guilt. Uh . . . . that would be a hell no for me. Would I trade wicked pregnancy symptoms for NOT being pregnant? Obviously not. But when I am laying on the floor of my bathroom, and mind you it's a very dirty bathroom, because I have just thrown up so vigorously that the chunks have hit the water and splashed back up into my face, I feel like IVF or not, I have every right to be upset and complain. I think I have a special right to complain actually. Karmically, it makes no sense that since I have paid $22,000 over the last several years with various attempts at trying to get pregnant somehow and then had to have surgery to actually get pregnant, I would think I could get a pass on the extreme morning sickness.

The first time I barfed I was so excited. Isn't that twisted? I was like "yes, it's real! I'm really pregnant!" The novelty wore off after Wednesday night when my stomach hurt all day and then I finally hurled violently. I couldn't even take out some saltines and water. So I went to the doctor, my OB actually. She prescribed Zofran and I did not vomit last night, just felt gross. I am pretty dizzy this morning, but still no vomit. So it might be good.

Here comes the fear part, hardcore! I spoke with the OB about my cramping. My nurse at the RE's office is pretty confident that it is all due to the fact the my uterus has to grow at double the pace of a singleton uterus. But I cannot help worrying my ass off everytime I feel the cramping. My lovely OB just happened to mention "vanishing twin syndrome" to me. She said it happens sometimes that at your first ultrasound you have twins and at the second there is only one because your body reabsorbed a twin. She says this to me perfectly calmly. I'm thinking she doesn't know what she's talking about because not only did I see two heartbeats, but we also heard them. And surely after you see and hear the heartbeats this doesn't happen, it could only happen to people who just saw sacs right? Wrong.

Of course it was only a few hours before I had to google this. I tried not to because vanishing twins weren't on my ginormous list of worries and I don't think I need to add anything else. **oops, had to take a moment away from the computer to vomit up my fruity pebbles. I guess the Zofran needs some more tries** Anyway, vanishing twins happens 30% of the time!!! Holy shit! Now I am in panic mode. At this point I have a 5% chance of miscarriage and that was at the top of my list, my hugest fear of all, and now I need to move vanishing 30% twins to the top!! Son of a bitch, who would have thought that one of the babies could just get sucked up into my body. Also, hasn't the OB ever heard of "ignorance is bliss?" I mean, HELLO!!!! I see that it is a good possibility, but I could have made it the next week without that knowledge.

I'm definitely calling the therapist today, this is getting out of control!

Countdown: 5 days until the next ultrasound! I need it like the desert needs rain bitches!


  1. Hang in there, hang in there! Each and every ultrasound will help reassure your mind. And you can complain here all you want - it's YOUR blog, silly! Besides, it helps give hope to people like me who are still waiting, who wanna know what's ahead when our time comes around. Keep telling us how you're doing!

  2. WTF? what the hell was the dr. thinking? Vanishing twin? You already know about the vanishing've been trying for years to be PG. You got the vanishing thing covered. You should have punk-slapped that dr. across the cheek.

    Positive thoughts moving in your direction, and yes, although I'm still IF and trying, you have the complete right to bitch and moan about the PG symptoms. You can't be a complete pollyanna for too long. Keep it real, sista!


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