25 Years Old

So, I have been participating in ICLW this time (last time I choked, sorry) and left a comment on a fellow blogger's blog. "Being 25 and infertile sucks." Immediately after I left that comment, I wanted to delete it because being ANYONE and infertile sucks. So if you saw that, I did not mean to take away from everyone else. INFERTILITY SUCKS. No matter what age you are.

But it's still weird to think about. When you start trying at 23 years old, infertility doesn't even seem like a possibility. In fact, all I really knew about infertility was from one episode of Dr. Phil I watched as a teenager and then one episode of a reality show about infertility on the Discovery Health Channel. It looked pretty sucky. I never thought about it again. Even my OB didn't think about it, she said it would probably take us about 4 months. None of my friends have ever had issues. They just got pregnant. Well, I would call these people acquaintances, or family members, my real friends aren't pregnant. I know one who is close in age who got pregnant from her second round of Clomid. That would be nice.

Infertility carries stereotypes just like everything else. You think of someone in their 30's or 40's who has a fabulous career and was too busy previously but now would like a baby. Don't freak out if you're reading this, this is just reality. Even my doctor couldn't associate me with infertility. I'm 25, I look like I'm 17, and I certainly don't have a fabulous career of any type. One of her nurses told me (as I said in a previous post) that when she saw I was 25 and was pregnant from IVF, she assumed I had pretty serious issues. What the fuck? Even doctor's and nurses stereotype. Don't worry ladies, I set her straight! I would be lying though, if it wasn't a blow to my self esteem. I did feel like such a huge failure through this whole thing. Going to the RE's office I felt like almost as big of a freak as I did in the torture we call the OB/GYN waiting room. I saw one of my grandpa's coworkers at the fertility clinic! Yes, I said GRANDPA! Besides feeling awkward, I felt like a loser. These people have probably been doing awesome things with their lives and waited until life was perfect to have a baby, but I'm just a lowly 20 something with "pretty serious issues." I don't have a big house, or an SUV, or a career to brag about. I haven't travelled the world. Plus, some other infertiles have given me comments that basically sound like, "oh you little idiot, you have all the time in the world to do 10,000 treatments. I don't feel sorry for you." Not all, but some.

Even though I will not forget those feelings, I have to admit that I am mostly happy all the time now (with occasional bouts of paranoia). Sometimes I am seriously over the moon with joy, like getting some kind of high from finally being pregnant. I love rubbing my belly and feel so grateful. Hubby and I love talking to the babies and planning our future with them. It was really all worth it. I know we have a long way to go still, but I'm going to go ahead and dream my big dreams. Let me admit, the main issue still lingering is that I just can't be happy when people tell me they are pregnant or send birth announcements (naturally that is, I love it when IFers get pregnant or have a successful adoption). I wonder if that will ever change . . . .