I often think about how unfair it is that I have forked over $23,000.00 in less than two years at desperate attempt after desperate attempt to get pregnant while most people get pregnant for free. Although I am now pregnant, I still harbor so much resentment towards these people, which is unfortunately most people that I know. I still have the inability to be happy for people when they get pregnant or give birth because I can't let go of how "unfair" it is and this feels normal, but also selfish because many people were very happy for me when hearing our amazing news. My therapist did explain that after years of feeling this way it will not turn off, especially in the early stages of pregnancy because other than feeling like poo, I don't feel like anything is different. I also haven't reached the safer haven that is the second trimester (less than 2 weeks, please, please, please let me get there).
Part of me doesn't feel guilty about this because really it is unfair. And when choosing between going out and sociallizing with others and staying home, I prefer being home so I don't feel like I'm missing too much. But . . . guilt is a feeling that I hate to feel. I was born that way and for some reason I can't handle guilt well, and I feel bad for continuing to despise people who are just going about their business. So I thought about why going through all this was actually a good thing.
1. My babies are miracles. I know, I know, all babies are miracles. But mine are really here, against all odds. When you have a baby after years of IF (through treatment or adoption) it has to be so much more amazing than just having a baby whenever you want. That child is a precious gift that you thought you might never receive and I would imagine it is harder to take advantage of parenting that child after going through the hell of IF. I get to learn just exactly how special it really is to be a parent, because it wasn't easy. I can't compare this to normal parenting, because I've never done it, but for my mind, I'm going to say it's much better.
2. I got to see my babies when they were embryos. We've been to several ultrasounds, but really nothing has been as exciting as seeing the embryos. It was my first indication that hubby and I could make a living thing together after years of trying. They were even moving around on the screen. It was really amazing. It might have been more amazing because I was on some type of medication that makes you relax, but who cares? It was still awesome. My mom came to town and we can disgust random people by telling them that my mom watched us get pregnant, and there is nothing I love more in life than making other people feel weird (I know it's sick, but it's the small things, right?).
3. When our kids ask where babies come from, the answer will be much less graphic in nature and not at all anxiety inducing. Doctor's take special stuff from mommies and daddies and make babies in a special place at the hospital. Then the doctor's give the babies to mommies to make them grow, and that's where babies come from! See how simple that is? From working with children I've watched many a parent awkwardly explain things to their kids. We really won't be telling any lies to our children, that's really how they were made. Simple as that.
4. I got to find out how strong of a man I am married to and how supportive my family is. This usually happens to people under much worse circumstances, so I am grateful for this lesson.
That's all I have for now. If I come up with other good stuff later I'll let you know, but this is what I'm working with.