Saturday, September 5, 2009

We're Not Equals

This weekend I will be spending Labor Day relaxing. I'm hoping some time on my butt will help the cramping and then I can be a little less paranoid (yeah right). Second beta was 420, so that made me feel good for about 24 hours. I can't wait for the day that I feel totally confident in this.

I work at a place where for some reason people are constantly pregnant. The entirety of my employment has been hell due to the ridiculous amount of bellies I have to stare at on a regular basis. I thought I overheard someone talking about yet another prego and so I had so ask if I heard correctly. My coworker said yes, and then I had to roll eyes and sigh as usual. She said "you are one of the pregos now," like everything is just dandy and even.

But not really. Of course, I was overjoyed seeing the first two lines I ever saw and getting my first beta back. But it's just not the same. And I don't really feel comfortable using the "p" word yet. I've never been fertile so I'm not sure what it's like, but from the last few years of comments I've received and heard and reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting," it appears to be vastly different. Here were my favorite questions asked in this glorious novel:

"My sister-in-law smoked two packs a day through three pregnancies, and had no complications and big healthy babies. Why should I quit?"

Makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside, doesn't it? Especially if you are an infertile reading this, that we've had diet, lifestyle, and all types of other restrictions just to get pregnant and this bitch is worried about getting her two packs a day.

"I'm afraid I'm going to get stretch marks. Can they be prevented?"

Really? You needed to write a doctor about your overwhelming fear of stretch marks? I can't wait for stretch marks, that would mean that I made it far enough to be stretching.

"Now that it's obvious I'm expecting everyone- from my mother-in-law to strangers on the elevator - has advice for me. It drives me crazy."

Boo hoo. Try two and a half years of people telling you to "just relax" or put a pillow under your butt.

I won't even go into the many other pearls of wisdom I read about. Some were just so ridiculous I couldn't believe it. Again, I have the fear of if this is even real and also the continuing fear of what will happen to my mind.

When someone told me that now my biggest worry will be if it's a boy or a girl, I thought "do people really worry about that?" I think if I have to worry about continued blood testing and risks and so forth, genitalia is not really on my list of worries. I'm only 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant, so it's understandable, but I still feel as though I have nothing in common with fertiles. I hope and hope and hope that this will all work out. But the only way I feel like I will ever be a normal prego is if someone creates a times machine and we can go back to one of two options:

A: When I get off of birth control pills I am like a normal fertile person and I get pregnant in less than a year. I will be able to celebrate and live blissfully ingnorant of the pain of infertility. I will go gabbing to all my girlfriends about it and feel perfectly comfortable with the whole thing and not have to be jealous and sick to my stomach everytime someone else experience's what I had hoped to long before them.

B: I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but we would all be infertile. It would be normal to be infertile and the people who got pregnant easily would be freaks. Everyone would have to pay $12,000.00 for one crack at having a baby. Everyone would get their private life invaded, poked constantly with some medical contraption and cry for days when AF comes try after try. Then we would be even and all on the same playing field.
Option B sucks, so I vote Option A.
Next beta is Tuesday, which because I'm mathematically challenged I can't even figure out what it should be around so we'll have to wait and see. Hubby still talks to the belly and tells them to grow healthy and that we love them. Although we went to check out a new TV last night, we couldn't help ourselves from wandering over to look at cribs. I think it's a sign of optimism. :) I also couldn't help but be very happy that I had terrible heartburn for hours yesterday and when one of my kids hugged me it really hurt my boobs. Tuesday seems forever away even though it is only 3 days.


  1. Congrats on the 2nd beta! You may never feel "normal", but I think you'll feel much much better after the first couple ultrasounds. Once the IF clinic boots you out the door, you will officially (if not in your head) be a plain ol' regular pregnant lady. :-)

  2. yeah, there's always a line there that you just can't quite cross over. odd that is only visible to us infertiles, but it is there. plus, now that you've joined the bb & blogs of us sad, broken IFers, you know that pg isn't always sunshine and unicorns. most infertiles will always be marked by our belief that something is going to go wrong. i don't think we really believe it is real until we're holding a living baby in our arms.

    tuesday is a lifetime away, i agree... but it will arrive and it will bring good news =)

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