Monday, September 7, 2009

Not Funny

Last night I had a lovely evening out and about, which I have just begun doing about two months ago after a wicked depression. We went downtown to Irish Fest. It sounds corny and stupid, but it is actually a pretty good time. Plus, they have carnival food and I flock to carnival food like ducks to water.

For the most part I had a good time, especially looking at hubby beaming with joy because he now has a pregnant wife. But I have to admit it was a little awkward. I have done a lot of bed time in the last few weeks and the walking was killing me, but I didn't want to be a whiner. As everyone is offering congratulations, I don't want them to know that I am now the Queen of Paranoia. I made jokes about how Mike wants one boy but I told him it will be twin girls. Everyone made fun of me for keeping my pee sticks (which I will part with over my dead body). But I am still scared shitless, which I feel very ungrateful about.

The other thing is hubby's sister (sorry if you're reading this). I think I will feel awkward for a really long time, even though I've done a lot of work and it's time to move on. Part of it is sadness, because hearing the news of her pregnancy, combined with IUI #3 negative, was the catalyst that sent me into a depression I've never known before. I was in bed for days and the only reason I got out was to go to work. I didn't do anything for months. It was so heartbreaking and it hit home way more than any other pregnancy news had in the last few years. It was also the first time that I saw that hubby was visibly down about things. I felt, and still feel, guilty that we, as her family, were unable to be happy for her. Not only could we not be happy for her, but we flat out couldn't even be around her. I feel so bad that because of my issues hubby couldn't celebrate being an uncle for the first time because we were devastated that he isn't a dad. Her own family couldn't be there for her in a really exciting time. I wouldn't take it back because I needed to stay away from her, but I still feel some guilt everytime I see her. With all the lingering sadness, guilt, anger and jealousy, it is hard for things to be normal. Maybe someday.

Hubby's friends and family have been the bane of my existence the last few years. It's like they all decided to reproduce, at once, and it had to get rubbed in my face over and over. After we got our second beta, he told me about all kinds of people who are pregnant or even had a baby that I never knew about because he didn't want to tell me. That's just one reason out of a million why I love him so much.

So last night we get home to do our very last butt shot. It turned out to be a bleeder of epic proportions. Hubby stuck a piece of tp on it and then went to do homework. I fell asleep without thinking about the paper.

I, of course, could not resist a funnel cake. How could anyone? I only ate half, but the heartburn and nausea were absolutely ridiculous. I woke up at about 2:00 a.m. to pee and sit up. Then on the piece of tp lying on the toilet seat was tons of blood. My heart stopped. I was about to scream but I couldn't because I wasn't breathing. I wiped with a piece and there was nothing on it.

Then I remembered. The bloody butt shot. The piece of tp that was helping out with the bleeder had fallen off onto the toilet seat. I started to breathe again. I sat down because I was dizzy. To my surprise, I laughed hysterically. I have never had a loss, so I'm not sure why this anxiety has settled in. I couldn't help but laugh at myself for being such a psycho over some butt blood. Stupid bloody butt shot.

It's not funny though. I'm crazy. Tomorrow is beta #3 which I hope will allow for a little more piece of mind.


  1. Wishing you the best on beta #3! So excting to read about your progress. I have to be honest very first IVF was BFP with a beta of 128...good start:), so I did a POAS just to see it for myself at home the next day. My very first two liner, oh yea...I did a happy dance:)...then my 2nd beta was 175 or something...not good because it did not double for whatever reason but not the point of my story. The point is I kept my POAS with the two lines for a very long time (about 6 years!):-)...until Rachel was born and came home:) was very special to me even though my outcome was different. So I wouldn't make fun of you at all. I think it's terrific and you're results are so GREAT! Praying for the best...twin girls?!...I wanted twin girls or b/g twins! I hope that might be happening in there for you guys! Thank you for your message on our blog. I love that you love seeing my Rachel pics:)...I love sharing them...Oh, DH's sister's name is Ashley and she is about 26 and not married. Well, when I said to him..."Guess what, Ashley's pregnant!" the other day he almost had a heart attack! Then I realized what he thought...I said, "Oh, no! Not your friend Ashley from the blogs!"...he felt much better and said "Congrats!" to you and DH. He has looked at your blog with me and listened to me read some of your wonderful (humorous) posts...he just forgot...hugs...Lori & Rachel!

  2. I have to tell you, I feel the very same way about my husband's family. Everytime I turn around, another one is having a baby! I go out and buy shower gifts, but I can not bring myself to actually attend these showers. They don't make it any better by asking when WE are going to have a baby everytime we attend a family function (or just when we bump into them at a store!). My greatest fear is hearing that my SIL is pregnant. They got married the month before us, so it's a very big possibility. Congrats! I'm praying for you. You have brought me hope!

  3. Good luck with the beta. That's really sad about your relationship with your SIL. Maybe you could have a heart to heart with her and get things back on track.

  4. Ashley; I'm very familiar with DH's family... his un-wed sister just had a baby a few months ago and I've found it VERY difficult to be excited for her. We are driving to NY next month to see the baby, and I'm just NOT looking forwards to it! Good luck on your beta #3 today; I'm still sending positive thoughts and stickey's your way! :) ~Beckie from tCC

  5. Oh, so sorry about the crazies. The big pity of IF is once we get what we've worked so long for, we can't enjoy it! Hopefully each blood test and each u/s will make it a little easier.

    I LOVE festivals! Fortunately there's one almost every week in or around Austin. I just love being around lots of happy, energetic people and really unhealthy food! :)

    Did you change your background? I LOVE the red with flowers! Excellent choice!


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