My joy was replaced by terror last night. I even went and bought my baby some jammies when I was buying Little Bub onesies (Carter's has an awesome sale going on by the way). I held the jammies in my hand and was looking at my pregnancy tests when I realized that I am actually pregnant. My mind raced over everything I've read in the last two and a half years and things that have happened to my fellow infertiles and I remembered that this could turn into a nightmare. Getting pregnant is only a tenth of the battle, and it was a pretty shitty battle. My beta might not double, there might be nothing on the first ultrasound, or there might be no heartbeat on the second ultrasound. And that's just the shit that could go down in a month or two, I can't even think about the horrors of losing a pregnancy after the first trimester, or a baby, or something being wrong with the baby. My anxiety is overwhelming me and I really need to go to bed but the kids will be back soon and I can't think about myself. My intense cramping isn't really helping either. I also have a cold, my throat is scratchy and it hurts to talk.
I work with children at my job which means I deal with parents. I hate parents. Everyday that I work with the parents, it makes me wonder why I want to be one. They're fucking idiots. Most conversations I have with them it takes every bit of energy in my body not to tell them to go run in traffic on the freeway. Of course there are parents that I love. I love to chat with them, I love their personalities, I love their kids and think they're great. But that is rare. Very rare. I can count those parents on two hands and I have about 80 kids in the day. I do have pretty good staff and a great boss. I don't know how she deals with these fuckers for all these years. I would ask her to teach me, but that would require changing my DNA.
This is going to be tough. I'm going to say a little prayer:
Please, please, PLEASE let me keep my baby and have a good beta tomorrow to keep me going. I really want to hold this baby in my arms. Keep that in mind. I would appreciate it.
If you are so wonderful as to let me keep this baby forever, please make sure that when I give birth half my brain doesn't come out and I become a stupid fucking moron with no sense. I pray extra hard for my baby, for my infertile friends, and for my sense. It's a little greedy, I know, but I'll take whatver I can get.