Anywho, I was listening to it for the millionth time and thinking that it is lining up with how I feel right now. The whole experience that we had getting to parenthood and going through treatments and then being pregnant on top of newborns being SO much harder than I thought has been a rollercoaster.
Thinking back on the times that we poured over our finances to see how we could afford all of this, the highs of building up to a treatment with all of our hopes followed by the devastating blows of failure, trying to fit in multiple trips a week to the fertility doctor to have strangers in my cookie while working full time and also fitting in trips (also sometimes several times a week) to the therapist to figure out how I was going to make it, just makes my stomach hurt. It was such a hard time. Now, when I look at my monkeys, it doesn't seem as hard. It seems like something I just had to do. Before, when I read of someone doing 3, 4, 5 IVF's I wondered how they could do that. I understand when I hold my babies that I would have done it 5 times also to get them (although I would be missing precious organs that I would have had to sell on Ebay to fund it). The pain is fading. Pregnancy announcements now rarely bother me, and if they do, it is just a little pang of jealousy and it goes away.
After finding out we were pregnant, I was excited but plagued by fear that something awful would happen. I was trying to enjoy myself but protect my heart because I wasn't sure if it could afford more damage. I typed up a sign and taped it next to my bed that said "this is a healthy pregnancy, i will have a healthy baby(ies), everything will be okay" so that I could read it when times got rough.
The other part of being pregnant and then a new parent is that I just wasn't sure how to act. I am an incredibly lucky individual to have many people in my life who were sympathetic to what we were going through. Even if they just didn't bring it up, there were only a handful of times that we experienced insensitivity from people we knew. Still, the other infertiles who were there for me while going through this were so priceless. It hurt me to have gone through cycles with others while we cheered each other on and have to essentially leave some behind, because let's face it, they don't want to hear about this after a failure. Moving from one place, a place that I though I might never get to, from one that was so important to me was just bizarre.
Being a newborn mom was so hard. I did not know what I was doing and it was brutally exhausting. After going through infertility I wasn't sure if I was allowed to admit that it was so hard and that I spent my nights crying and feeling like a failure even though I attained what I worked so hard for and others were still working for. Strangers would come up to us and tell us how beautiful the babies are and I would sometimes stare blankly because I wasn't sure if they were talking to me. Years spent crying for babies suddenly being replaced by being overwhelmed with two babies just made me feel out of place. Is this really my life now?
Time has passed so quickly and starting a few months ago, I feel as if my dog days are over. I'm happy. Overjoyed sometimes, really, more joy than a person can handle (I know what that word means now). I love my relationship with my babies and my family. I have become one of those people that literally think everything they do is precious. I am always happy to see them.
Beyond how beautiful our relationship has become and how amazed I am with my children, my life as a whole has changed. Instead of avoiding places, I talk to strangers. I frequently wear the babies, so other baby-wearing moms always come up and talk about it. I know they are talking to me now, not someone else living the life I wanted to, but me. I had a conversation with someone the other day when they asked me if I would have anymore. I said no, and it was painless. I could say without any hesitation or sadness to this person that I am so glad I got to be pregnant because I didn't think I would get to, but I am fulfilled now. It's so different from what I lived for several years at a time and I am incredibly thankful to be here now.
Happiness hit her like a train on a track Coming towards her stuck still no turning back She hid around corners and she hid under beds She killed it with kisses and from it she fled With every bubble she sank with a drink And washed it away down the kitchen sink. The dog days are over The dog days are done The horses are comin' so you better run
When I am on the computer, I can hear them coming down the hall. I peek my head out and say "I see you" and they come motoring down the hallway even faster