Donkey Sex

Yes, you read those words correctly.

Those are the words that came out of this sweet, big eyed, angel baby's mouth.




I asked him what he wanted and he said "donkey sex."

Hold. The. Phone. Why did my baby just say this to me?

"Donkey sex moomie," Moomie means movie in twin language. This is just effing great. My not even two year old wants to watch a donkey sex movie. I'm not sure where he learned it, but I know I'm not watching any donkey sex movies so that leaves just one individual who might have done it.

I was about to find Hubby and go all Kate Gosselin on him, but then Peanut said "yeah, I watch donkey and Shrek moomie too!"

Source: a2.moovidadb.com via Rangga on Pinterest

Praise the Lord! He meant Shrek, not sex. That was a close one.

He did say some good things not long after though. I snuggled up next to him to watch the movie and I said "I love you Oshy." he looked at me, put his hand on my shoulder and said "I love you too Mommy." I cried. It melted my heart into mush! I have waited a long time to hear those words and it was oh so worth it.

Firm Saturday

Missed Friday, oops.

I am not going to check my weight anymore because that is just too depressing. I am the typical American, I like to see results immediately. Or yesterday. One pound every three weeks just ain't gonna cut it.

This week I ran a 5 mile outdoor run. I did 40 minutes on the elliptical plus abs and also Jillian Michael's week two of Ripped in 30. That hurts. Today I ran 7 miles outside in only 1 hr and 13 minutes! Woo hoo! I was pumped. But then I felt like crap about 4 hours after. I was maybe going to do a half marathon the day before the twins birthday, but I don't think that will be the best idea considering I am a procrastinator and am sure I will have an ass ton of stuff to do before the party that I left until the last minute.

I ate really well. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty proud. I never ate candy or fast food or anything like that. On Sunday I did do a big cheat and had Five Guys AND Cold Stone. Don't drool, freaking delicious. The rest of the week I was a good girl.

I am definitely noticing the difference now! It's really nice. Hubby is really noticing the difference too and I would be lying if I said I didn't love hearing his compliments. I have even earned myself a little kid-free shopping day tomorrow. Boo yah! Can't wait!

Source: Uploaded by user via Jessica on Pinterest

Names

It has happened. The time that I knew would happen one day when the twins figured out there is another Ocean. The ocean that is a word, not the name of the cutest boy in the universe.

We were watching a show and the animals were swimming in the ocean. So I said "look at the animals they are swimming in the ocean."

Peanut looked at me like I was one crazy beyotch. Then she looked at Ocean.

"Yeah, they are swimming in the ocean Peanut."

She looked at me again. Then the TV. Then our Ocean. I could see that she was clearly very confused. Ocean smiled, probably because he thought we were talking about him.

"Peanut, we have our Oshy, and there is an ocean that is water."

"No, Oshy baba." Osh was drinking milk at the time.

Oh well. I will explain it later.

They have also figured out we have a last name. Peanut called Ocean "Oshy Our Last Name That I'm Not Telling You." It was so cute. But then Ocean called me "Mommy Our Last Name That I'm Not Telling You." I didn't like it! I like to be referred to only as Mommy. Whenever one gets called by their last name they are either in trouble or people think they're old, so I certainly don't want to be called Mommy My Last Name. Ever again. I don't want them to ever call me mom either. I want to be Mommy for eternity. These nuggets are growing up too fast!

St Patty's Day nuggets!

Anti-Social

Hubby and I were talking about the nuggets and how great and smart they are. I mentioned how they are really getting into imaginative play and that is a good sign.

Hubby said the only thing that concerns him is that Peanut appears to be quite antisocial.

Sigh.

Hubby is a people pleaser and he enjoys the company of others. I do not. Oshy inherited Hubby's personality, and Peanut inherited mine. After interacting with her several people have said that she is "just like her mama." I can see that she takes longer than Osh to warm up to people. I've seen her staring intently at people while they are talking to her but not really reacting, and it is behavior that I recognize.

I took a personality test in my college English class. I re-took it twice more as suggested by my professor because my personality type is seen by only 1% of the population. Not in a bad way, I'm not a sociopath or anything, but people who are my type are extremely analytical and there are lots of negatives to that in other's opinions.

While Hubby is concerned, I say that she comes by it honestly and she will be great. It's good to be okay with yourself and do things alone. There is nothing wrong with analyzing a situation carefully before deciding to jump in head first.

I told him there are other good reasons for being antisocial. There are a handful of people that I love and trust. For the most part though, I find that people are either A. not my type B. boring C. completely insane or D. eventually a huge disappointment. He thought that even though that is usually true, it's not the best outlook on life. I agree it's not the best outlook, but he agreed it's usually true and truth is my favorite thing. I read a quote that said the best way to protect your heart is to pretend that you don't have one. That makes a lot of sense to me, even if it sounds cynical to others.

It looks like Peanut not only inherited my allergies, love of carbs and brown eyes, but also my 1% personality. Poor girl! It will just have to be Mommy and Peanut together, against the world.

Family Time

As a full time working outside the home mom, I have learned to prioritize my family time above all else. From Monday to Friday I spend more waking hours away from my family than I do with them.

You have probably noticed that I have been blogging less. Well . . . I try to only do that when the nuggets are asleep or not around. When they were little bitties I basically was just happy if I still had both eyes open by the time I got home from work. Now they are so much more aware of what is going on. If I lay on the couch or sit down in the computer chair, they will run in and grab my hands and say "mon Mommy, mon," which is toddler language for "come on" and they show me where they expect me to be. I don't bother with the iPad because they think it's their iPad so I don't get to use it in their presence.

Each working morning, we have a mandatory, uninterrupted 20 minutes of snuggles. I know that may not seem like much, but there is no hair doing, make up putting on, running around looking for clothing, or anything else. It is just pure snuggle time.

Last weekend Hubby didn't do anything but family time. The poor guy works full time, goes to school full time, and then does side jobs pretty frequently on weekends. Saturday we spent at the lake. Did you know that tossing rocks into the lake is the greatest activity of all time? I figured that out when we did it for hours. Sunday they went to my grandparents for a little while so we could clean and then we took them for their first ever movie in the theater, The Lorax. It was cute, but I'm not sure how impressed the kids were. They mostly liked eating popcorn and M&M's (or mimi's, as they say). Hubby commented on Sunday night how amazing our time was together, even though we didn't do anything substantial.

Aaaaahhh, if it weren't for those pesky bills or health insurance or the fact that we need to eat, it would be so lovely to have even MORE family time. A girl can dream . . . . .

Firm Friday

Starting weight: 158

Current weight: 154

Lbs. lost: 4

Lbs. to go: 14

My workouts this week were:

Jillian Michael's Ripped in 30 twice (ouch, ouch, OUCH!)

2 30 minute elliptical sessions plus abs

2 mile bike ride

Working out was great this week. I didn't get in my 5 mile run, which is naughty because that is two weeks in a row. Jillian Michael's is crazy. It makes me so sore, which I like because that means it's working.

Other than my cheat, I did really well in the eating department. Last night I thought about eating some meat, but when I looked at it, I just didn't want it. I have been completely Diet Coke free for more than two months now. I am a major vegetable hater and have been trying to eat a ton of those. I cooked dinner every day this week. Lots of good changes in the food department.

Now I'm going to vent. 4 pounds???? FOUR mother beeping pounds?!?!?!? That's it? This is really starting to piss me off. I have upped my working out 100% in the last two months. For the last two weeks I have been starving my butt off eating this vegan crap. Not just vegan, but gluten free vegan, hello! And all I have to show for it is 4 lbs? For 4 lbs, I will eat a damn cheeseburger. Why not? If all this work just leads to FOUR STINKING POUNDS???

Okay, I feel better now.

For serious though, I feel good. My pants and bra and big so I know I have lost inches. If I do my workout at 5 am I usually feel great all day. I can tell I'm getting physically stronger. I don't know how to explain this, but in general I had been feeling swollen. Since the cleanse I don't have that feeling so I know there have been positive changes internally, whether or not I can see them on the scale. Another good change from the cleanse is my skin. My under eye bags aren't so dark and heavy.

My lovies eating chocolate. They're so cleanly.

Cheater

I cheated.

On my cleanse.

I know! I was so motivated. But the weekend arrived. I am starving for meat. Absolutely starving for it! I am starving for some chocolate too. And wine. I know the point is to go through this and not want that, but I want it more than ever.

I did okay on Saturday. While my family dined at the choo choo restaurant, I watched them eat burgers and fries while I ate nuts and dried cranberries. I love burgers and fries, it was hard. Then we went to the chocolate factory and I'm sorry, but there's no way in hell I was going to leave there without some chocolate. I got a chocolate and caramel covered almond cluster and I did not finish the whole thing.

Sunday was no bueno. We were out riding bikes and rode our bikes to Waffle House. Yes, the place that no one should ever eat. It is delicious. If I was going to cheat, I could have just had a waffle. But no. I had a waffle, hashbrowns, eggs and a piece of raisen toast. It was amazing. I gained a whole pound. That is not amazing.

I rebounded this week and I am supposed to go until next Monday, but I can't take much more. This burst of energy I am supposed to have has not happened yet. I feel exhausted and I felt way better after eating my plate o'crap at Waffle House.

My Skinny Girl Sangria is sitting on my counter, just screaming my name.

Source: google.com via Ashley on Pinterest

I lovingly picked it up the other night and said "Don't worry. Only a few more days and we can be together." Hubby was sitting at the table.

"What are we going to do together in a couple days? Uh, I thought you were talking to me. Oh my God. You're talking to your wine bottle."

Shame.

Pinterest Food

I like pictures. It is very, very rare that I will cook something if I do not have a picture of the food I am supposed to be making. 90% of all things I cook these days are recipes off of Pinterest because of the lovely photos. Juvenile? Maybe. The point is, it causes me to cook food so that is a big plus. This weekend I tried three recipes. That's a lot of cooking for me in a 2 day span!

1. Brussel sprouts and lemon garlic sauce

Pinterest version:

Source: annacostafood.wordpress.com via Ashley on Pinterest

My version:

Verdict: Pretty good! It fit nicely into my diet and was surprisingly tasty. Would I normally choose this over a burger and fries? No way. But because I have to eat veggies, I must say this was way better than I thought it would be and did the job.

2. Light Banana Bread

Pinterest version:

Source: 8weekstoabetteryourecipes.blogspot.com via Ashley on Pinterest

My version:

Verdict: Nasty as hell! You replace sugar with honey, but that wasn't really the problem. Instead of oil you use applesauce, which I always do anyway when baking things, and I didn't right down the amount and was too lazy to get on the iPad to find out so I guessed. That was strike one. Secondly, due to my diet, I bought I ridiculously expensive bag of gluten free all purpose flour that smelled like crap and tasted even worse. Nasty, nasty, nasty. It might be okay with regular flour though.

3. Mini cherry pies

Pinterest version:

Source: savethedate4cupcakes.com via Ashley on Pinterest

My version:

The nuggets helped with this one!







Verdict: Delicious. Can you really go wrong with hot cherry pie, smothered in ice cream and made by the most adorable twins in the world? Too easy! But so fun for the kids!

Firm Friday

Starting weight: 158

Current weight: 153.4

Lbs. lost: 4.6

Lbs. to go: 13.4

My workouts this week were:

3 mile bike ride

2 mile outdoor run, 32 lunges, core

My workouts this week were pretty measly. I had a lot of cleaning to do Saturday and didn't do my 5 mile run. The twinkies also did not sleep even a single night all night long last week so it really caught up to me. Especially Monday, Peanut was up from 2-5 in the night. This week I have to step it up and would like to do more Jillian, but I don't understand how people can do that 4-5 days a week. I am so sore after one time that I can't walk for 4 days. What the?

My eating was amazing. This cleanse has been much easier than I thought. I do feel a little drained of energy as I am eating pretty much no carbs at all, but I did lose almost 3 pounds since Monday! I have been eating a lot of fruits, nuts and raw veggies. My favorite meal of the week was Chipotle. I had the brown rice, black beans, mild salsa and guacamole. No meat or cheese or tortilla. It was really good and satisfying. Last night I had a plate of tomato, avocado and watermelon. I made brown rice because I knew I would still be hungry, but I wasn't! I was so full I didn't eat the brown rice at all. I haven't been making shakes, smoothies, or juice like I am supposed to but haven't adjusted my time management enought to allow for that during the work week. I'm not going to lie though, I may cheat. Hubby suggested riding our bikes down the road to a little hole in the wall place we used to go all the time that has the most delicious french toast in America. Hmmm . . . . . Sounds very tempting! At Jason's Deli I tried a spinach wrap. I almost barfed, so everything hasn't been a hit.

In the spirit of working out, here are my nuggets preparing for our bike ride!

Sickos, Mom Guilt, The River, and The Status of My Mental Health

• My little love bugs were super sick last week and right into this week. I was so tired I was to the point of calling on grandparents, aunts, uncles, or maybe even the mailman to see if they could spend the night somewhere this weekend. Thankfully, last night and Tuesday night they slept all night. Aaahhhhh. Crisis averted.



• I convinced Hubby due to the influx of emails I have been getting to take pictures for people that I probably need to upgrade my camera. He has agreed! But . . . . I am a cheapskate so lets see if I have the balls to pony up the dough.



• I see so many posts about mama's feeling guilty for not doing it all. I feel mom guilt of course, but I never feel guilty about always eating out and the fact that my house is a pig sty. I mean, I NEVER feel guilty about it. Does that mean there is something wrong with me?



• Does anyone watch The River on ABC? That show is awesome! I love weird shows like that. American Horror Story and True Blood are up there in my absolute love shows. Then there is Friday Night Lights which is one of the best shows ever and isn't creepy or weird at all, but anyway . . . . I am thinking that it has something to do with religion. They are moving pretty quickly through the plot so they must not be planning a long term show, but I don't miss it each week. You should watch it. Just not in front of the kids.



• We went to the zoo last weekend and decided to buy the year pass. It was a really good deal. We can go to the zoo and ride the tram, train and carousel (which is an O&E addiction) as much as we want. We will be at the zoo a LOT in the next year, so it's a great thing that I love the zoo. We can even get into zoo's close by with the pass so we have already planned two weekend trips to do that as well.



• Status of My Mental Health: Good. Really good. I am feeling very content now. When I did the FET in theory I thought, well, if it doesn't work at least it's not hanging over my head anymore. Obviously it didn't go over quite that easily. Our little popsicle was our last chance at realistically and affordably and guilt-free (not spending a ton of $$$ or the full effort of an IVF which is brutal) having a third child. People don't get it, but we always, always, since we were barely, dating talked about how we would like lots of kids. Less than three months ago when I faced the reality that our best option for expanding our family was a huge failure, I have spent that time experiencing the five stages of grief, which came as a shock to me.

1. Denial and isolation - oh yeah. Isolating is really the best way to get to moving on. It's hard to move past things when life just sits in your face reminding you of how you fail. The first go round with infertility my counselor did say the best thing to do was remove yourself from situations that you can't handle if it's possible until you can handle them.

2. Anger - I don't think I even need to comment on this. We all know how angry I was . . .

3. Bargaining - I have done so much bargaining with the universe in the last 5 years it is unbelievable. I have promised the Universe I don't need anything else extravagant, nice cars, lots of money, fancy trips, a good retirement plan, as long as I could just make this work. I just want a healthy, happy family. That is all.

4. Depression - I have cried major buckets of tears. Then the tears became random, like when I was reading a book and just start crying or laying in bed or sitting at my desk at work.

5. Acceptance - This is where I am. It didn't work. It was hard to see that living ball of me and Hubby and then get nothing in return, but it's okay now. There is nothing more I could have done. I do feel now like I was hoping I would and that is even though it didn't work, we gave it our best shot and it's gone. We have to make new plans and I can do that. I don't have to think of it anymore being frozen in a lab. I wish so much that it was still growing and I would be into my second trimester, but I feel okay that it's not my reality. Being okay with it changes lots of things. I enjoy life more in general and I especially enjoy my time with nuggets. I know people don't get why I would need to experience that from a failed treatment, but I did. I needed it. I feel good. I also don't feel guilty at all for being honest in needing that time and taking that time to come to a place where I feel okay again. I don't feel that 2 and a half months is too much to ask and I wouldn't take it back because that is what I needed to move forward. So there you have it.

A rare photo that includes . . . me!