People who know us would not really know that we are having marriage issues, but I always do my best to not embarass myself in front of others by having fights in public. I say do my best because sometimes I can't help it. But it's just not a pretty place these days. We also don't have fights in the house because the twins are here and we don't want them to be a part of that crap so we just sit around festering.
I am a NAGGER. I nag and nag and nag. I'm trying not to do that because I would get annoyed with it too, but it's just so darn hard because the fact that hubby isn't a mind reader (or a fast learner for that matter) is just so dang annoying! I tried this week to stop myself everytime I thought about nagging. Here is how it goes:
Hubby: Doing something annoying and seemingly lacking in common sense
Me: Getting ready to bite his head off, but wait, wait self. Do you really want to do this self? Is it worth it? Will you get results or just an eye roll?
Hubby: Patiently waiting to see what is going to happen
Me: I don't nag, I say okay and we work it out.
It worked pretty well but today is Friday and my patience has been used up for the week so nagging has commenced. I think I did pretty well the rest of the week so we have progress.
Some hard chats may have sunk in though because hubby has agreed that it is possible for me to work part time. This is a big deal. There are moms out there who can do it all, have twins, work full time, take good care of their bodies, cook, clean and still have energy. I'm not one of them. That's just reality. Working part time could have a very good positive effect on my household.
I'm having loads of trouble getting into shape. I have no motivation, but self esteem is at an all time low and it's having a very negative effect on just about every aspect of my life. I used to be the workout queen and never thought I'd be here, but I truly just can't find it in me to make myself take care of my body.
Although it is probably counterproductive, I do enjoy a beer. So . . . I may not enjoy a cold one (Bud Light Lime baby) until I work out. I have worked out two nights in a row, because trust me people, I REALLY need that beer. I work out, shower, get ready for bed, and then have my beloved beer-y poo.
I feel like I'm in such a strange position. I am currently enjoying the babies more than ever. They are so precious and hilarious. They light up my life, truly. I could just bask in the glow of Ocean and Ever. At the same time, everything else in my life is not going well. Is it greedy to want to have two perfect amazing children (check) AND job satisfaction, decent self esteem, and a relationship that is enjoyable(uncheck all words past AND)? I feel like it has been one or the other. The very greatest, most amazing feelings accompanied by some very crappy feelings.
A friend suggested that I might be depressed, that I seem depressed to her. Maybe time for drugs again? I don't know about that. I want to fix it myself. Each morning I tell myself to change my attitude. Just think differently. It only takes a few hours before I am unable to. I'm starting with working out and trying not to nag so much, but I'm just not patient.