Friday, July 29, 2011

Marriage Saving and Butt Shrinking Tactics

People who know us would not really know that we are having marriage issues, but I always do my best to not embarass myself in front of others by having fights in public. I say do my best because sometimes I can't help it. But it's just not a pretty place these days. We also don't have fights in the house because the twins are here and we don't want them to be a part of that crap so we just sit around festering.

I am a NAGGER. I nag and nag and nag. I'm trying not to do that because I would get annoyed with it too, but it's just so darn hard because the fact that hubby isn't a mind reader (or a fast learner for that matter) is just so dang annoying! I tried this week to stop myself everytime I thought about nagging. Here is how it goes:

Hubby: Doing something annoying and seemingly lacking in common sense

Me: Getting ready to bite his head off, but wait, wait self. Do you really want to do this self? Is it worth it? Will you get results or just an eye roll?

Hubby: Patiently waiting to see what is going to happen

Me: I don't nag, I say okay and we work it out.

It worked pretty well but today is Friday and my patience has been used up for the week so nagging has commenced. I think I did pretty well the rest of the week so we have progress.

Some hard chats may have sunk in though because hubby has agreed that it is possible for me to work part time. This is a big deal. There are moms out there who can do it all, have twins, work full time, take good care of their bodies, cook, clean and still have energy. I'm not one of them. That's just reality. Working part time could have a very good positive effect on my household.

I'm having loads of trouble getting into shape. I have no motivation, but self esteem is at an all time low and it's having a very negative effect on just about every aspect of my life. I used to be the workout queen and never thought I'd be here, but I truly just can't find it in me to make myself take care of my body.

Although it is probably counterproductive, I do enjoy a beer. So . . . I may not enjoy a cold one (Bud Light Lime baby) until I work out. I have worked out two nights in a row, because trust me people, I REALLY need that beer. I work out, shower, get ready for bed, and then have my beloved beer-y poo.

I feel like I'm in such a strange position. I am currently enjoying the babies more than ever. They are so precious and hilarious. They light up my life, truly. I could just bask in the glow of Ocean and Ever. At the same time, everything else in my life is not going well. Is it greedy to want to have two perfect amazing children (check) AND job satisfaction, decent self esteem, and a relationship that is enjoyable(uncheck all words past AND)? I feel like it has been one or the other. The very greatest, most amazing feelings accompanied by some very crappy feelings.

A friend suggested that I might be depressed, that I seem depressed to her. Maybe time for drugs again? I don't know about that. I want to fix it myself. Each morning I tell myself to change my attitude. Just think differently. It only takes a few hours before I am unable to. I'm starting with working out and trying not to nag so much, but I'm just not patient.

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  1. I totally know how you feel, from lack of motivation to nagging of all the ridiculously stupid things hubby does. I don't work, but I can't imagine how much harder that would be. I shudder to even think of it. Although I think part time work is ideal, quite possibly better than staying home full time. I have the feeling that part time work would keep me from constantly needing to bite my tongue, since I'd get some intelligent adult conversation once in a while.

    But I wanted to tell you that in the past month (my twins are 12.5 months) I've finally gotten off my arse and started using my jogging stroller and it has really changed my life. I feel less depressed, less annoyed with my husband, and better about myself. I have to admit that for the first week or two, I felt somewhat worse, because I was SO out of shape and I hated using the jogging stroller, but then I got used to it and I'm starting to improve and things are better. Another thing that helped was downloading an app for my smart phone that records where I run and how fast I go, etc., and I try to improve each time. It helps with the motivation.

    My problem is more food than exercise. I can't seem to stop snacking and eating crap all day. I haven't figured out any tricks to stop it, either.

  2. hey, I'm all for drugs. With all the ish that comes into our lives, there are perfect pills for our problems. Some people are so anti drugs, but they HELP. So if they HELP, then shut the eff up you "people!"

    (however and on a total sidenote, I am TOTALLY ANTI giving drugs to children. I don't even believe in ADD)

    anyway, um, love that you talked about having marriage issues. My marriage?? SOOOOOOOOOOO not even close to perfect.

  3. I have stayed home from the begining with avery and I have to say I dont know how any working mom does it!! Some days I still have a hard time getting my shit together! I feel like I hav gone through very similar things as you self esteem and marriage wise and I truly feel they are related and honestly once I started being dilegent about taking care of my self ( working out and occasionaly painting my toes ha!) I just saw a huge diffrence in my attitude every thing got better because I liked my self more and I felt like my needs were being met which was a big resentment between me and my husband. I felt like he wasnt knee deep in parenting like me. Working part time wpuld be amazing for you I really hope this works out for yall!!

  4. Thanks for being so honest about it all. I hope you take some "Ashley time" daily for yourself. Drugs or not, sometimes making time for you and only you can help sort out the demons.

  5. Ok, first.... (you can see my priority is silly)... where are these perfect twin moms? I need to find them and shoot them cause I'm on the same boat you are on... and I don't need them to help me feel bad about myself. I *guess* I should be happy for them cause they have their life together but I'm not, I'm jealous and childish lol

    Second, the actual important stuff...
    Sorry to read that things are still tough with hubby... lack of sleep, full time work, and twins are not easy in ANY way to deal with, so stress in marriage and nagging will happen. The men? they just have to get over it (wish it was this easy) Honestly for me, I'm too tired at the end of the day to even have energy to nag anymore, I just let things go and I wish I could say I'm a big person and that I forget stuff but the truth is I'm just so tired I don't remember half the things that annoy me. Since I'm bad at this, I'll stop writing unhelpful sentences and just wish you good luck, you are at a starting point and you are determined so you can do this. And working out? You can also do this! Depression... I dunno but I think you have the right attitude to start on doing things for yourself first and go from there. lots of hugs!

  6. I don't know how it works for you, and won't presume to, but I know for me, when I am truly depressed and in need of drugs and/or therapy, trying to force my way through it with an "attitude change" always ends up being counterproductive. The bottom line is you need to take care of yourself first to be the best mommy you can be (and I in no way mean perfect!).

    I feel like our culture is always pushing us to power through things like depression. Mental health is a *health* issue! It's just like any other disease or condition, you can't force your muscles to heal - sometimes you need help. I also always suggest that people try therapy too in addition to or instead of drugs. Don't know what I would do without that part of the equation at my lowest times. :)

  7. Ugh... I'm a nagger too and it's the #1 thing my husband and I fight about. And we fight about it all the time. I haven't mastered the thinking before I speak thing yet because it's just sooooo instinctive that I don't even realize it's about to happen most of the time. Working on it all the time though. Still, it's not all my fault and I bet it's not all yours either.

    Husband and I also just recently argued my staying home part time at least too. He doesn't want me too since we have the best situation (my mom able to watch her), but I'm just not happy away from my baby. I thought it would be good for me to work, but it's not going how I imagined and little things that used to make me irritated at work are exaggerated by 100% because now I'm dealing with instead of being with my baby. You know??

    Anyway... I appreciate your honesty about it all. I wish I had never shared my blog with family because I'd love to do the same to get it all out there.

  8. Wow... that was a lot of typos. Sorry.

  9. Boo for feeling down. :( I'm all for the drugs when you need them, but I also totally get when the lack of motivation affects everything too. I've put on the 15 pounds I lost and it makes me miserable to live with. Hooray for you, though! You know the things that need to change and if hubby thinks you can do the part time work, do it and take care of ASHLEY!

  10. I'm an unabashed nagger, and I know it! I figure if I work and have baby, I deserve some help when I ask for it. But - I've had to learn when to stop pushing a particular issue. If it's something Troy really doesn't want to do, if I push him too hard he just gets mad and shuts down. It's a art, that perfect line of nagging and actually getting him to do what I ask. :)

    I'm soooo out of shape, too. Every time I try to eat better, it only lasts about a week or so. It's been hard, I'm really struggling with it, too.

  11. Being a mom is a the hardest job EVER!!! Being a mom of twins, wife and a full-time employee (throw in some monthly hormones too)?!?! There aren't even words. Nagging should be completely expected. Keeping it under control the first half of the day is f---ing awesome!!! Baby steps!
    I'm first in line for depression meds if they're needed. Might be something for you to consider.
    I'm so glad that part-time work might be possible for you. Maybe feeling less overwhelmed by work will help everywhere. Good luck!

  12. ok I came back to your blog and commenting again because I wanted to respond to your comment to me. Love that you have youknowwhat also. (the jail thing) and love that you said all the cool moms do it haha!!

  13. I'm glad that you are gonig to try part-time work. I think that might really help. It sounds like you are just burning the candle at both ends, all the time, and that is not something you can do forever. For short periods, when you abs have to? Sure. But that is not a LIFE.

    I hope this doesn't sound awful. I was originally pregnant with twins, and we lost one in the first trimester. I am still sad about that sometimes. But honestly..... I don't know if my marriage would have survived twins. Having my baby was the best thing that has ever happened to me, but it is the worst thing that ever happened to my marriage. The first 12 months of my boy's life, I thought about divorce all the time. ALL the time. And never before!!!! (Ok, there were some fights during our IF struggles that I thought of it, but it was like a shocking idea then. After the baby was born, it was more like, "Oh, now I get it. This is how people get divorced." -- like it totally made sense.)

    I have to say that things are soooooo much better now. Not perfect, but a helluva lot better. It took a lot of work, like you are doing with the patience/nagging thing, and from BOTH people.

    But also, I can't even tell you how much it helped when my son started sleeping through the night. The sleep deprivation alone killed us. But then we would fight about how to handle it. And then we would wake up mad at each other, and stay mad at each other bc we were so over-tired 90% of the time.

    Also, the money stress is worse once you have kids. That's probably the number one relationship killer right there.

    I just think that you are not alone in this at all. I hope that you and your hubs are able to work things out. I want you to give yourselves time. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to raise two babies at the same time, on top of a career and getting your body back.

    Keep examining your life and figuring out what can change and what can't. Make little changes and see how they go. Hopefully reducing the stress at work by going part-time will be a big help.

    As for working out, just keep doing it!!!! That's all you have to do. You don't have to run 100 miles or do 1,000 situps. You just have to do SOMETHING each day. It will make you feel better that day, and then all the workouts will start to add up and you will start to look better too, and then you will feel even better, and then you will want to work out more.... you know the cycle. But again, give yourself time, and try not to get overwhelmed by "my body is not how I want it RIGHT NOW." Dude -- neither is mine. On the other hand, its a LOT better than it was a year ago, and I just have to keep reminding myself of that and KEEP GOING TO THE GYM. (or running or whatever).

    As for drugs -- why not? If you had high blood pressure, you'd take medicine. Why not for depression?

    Hang in there, Ashley. You're such a good mama and a beautiful girl.


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