I feel like if I had twenty embies it would be different, because obviously I would not want or need to have 20 kids. But we have just one and that is feasible. Just one more baby.
I am 99% sure that I don't want to give birth to any more kids and I am 150% sure that I never want to do any type of fertility treatment again, including an FET. Advice from other's is always "but that one percent, if you give your embryo away and you change your mind all hope is lost." That is the least of my worries. If I really change my mind and I am wanting another child more than anything, I will just have to do IVF again. I can say that because I truly do not believe that will happen. IVF is not free, by any means, and it was a huge financial burden the first time. The truth of the matter is that I almost feel like I didn't pay enough, because the monkeys are just so precious. I could always sell a kidney online or I could even sell my body if there is suddenly a market for strippers that are uncoordinated, not sexy and covered in stretch marks.
My biggest worry is how I will feel if the procedure is successful. After looking into it, I would want to know the outcome. I would want to know where this baby is, especially if Ocean and Ever would ever want to meet their sibling. Am I a strong enough person to give my embryo to someone else and see a photo of a little newborn Oshy or Ever look-alike and just be okay? The baby would be my baby, but not really at all. The point of me giving it to someone else is to give them their own baby, because after becoming a mom myself, I know it is the greatest thing that could ever happen to someone. Also, who would want a known donor with possible someday siblings? Do you think there is anyone like that?
I know I could just donate it to research, and I think it is great that people do that because research is good, but I just can't. Little embie was made with lots of love and care and all kinds of other emotions, not to mention scientific procedures and money. Someone could maybe be a parent because of little embie, and we all know that my embies turn out to be super gorgeous awesome lovies. Ahem, I'm so modest.
All this thinking lead me to the Miracles Waiting website. Knowledge is power I guess. It is very important to me that I can truly donate the embryos without the recipient having fees or anything (aside from shipping) to receive the embryo, I don't want anyone buying it or having to add tedious legal and invasive proceedings to their already hard situation.
People will tell me to wait until I'm 100% sure, but how could I ever be 100% sure? It's just not the same as closing the door on having kids, because I'm fine with that. It's not about deciding if I'm done, but in a way, I've already made one more kid. I know the odds are slim that it will really make another kid, but how can you ever be totally okay with deciding what to do with your own child?
Here is the current breakdown:
-85% towards donating to someone on Miracles Waiting
-10% use it for myself
-5% wait it out for all eternity
I don't have any new photos uploaded, so we'll go with some oldies.
It's truly unbelievable what has happened in the last almost ten months.