Friday, February 4, 2011

Miracles Waiting

The heavy weight of our one little embie is on my shoulders. I have written about this previously.

I feel like if I had twenty embies it would be different, because obviously I would not want or need to have 20 kids. But we have just one and that is feasible. Just one more baby.

I am 99% sure that I don't want to give birth to any more kids and I am 150% sure that I never want to do any type of fertility treatment again, including an FET. Advice from other's is always "but that one percent, if you give your embryo away and you change your mind all hope is lost." That is the least of my worries. If I really change my mind and I am wanting another child more than anything, I will just have to do IVF again. I can say that because I truly do not believe that will happen. IVF is not free, by any means, and it was a huge financial burden the first time. The truth of the matter is that I almost feel like I didn't pay enough, because the monkeys are just so precious. I could always sell a kidney online or I could even sell my body if there is suddenly a market for strippers that are uncoordinated, not sexy and covered in stretch marks.

My biggest worry is how I will feel if the procedure is successful. After looking into it, I would want to know the outcome. I would want to know where this baby is, especially if Ocean and Ever would ever want to meet their sibling. Am I a strong enough person to give my embryo to someone else and see a photo of a little newborn Oshy or Ever look-alike and just be okay? The baby would be my baby, but not really at all. The point of me giving it to someone else is to give them their own baby, because after becoming a mom myself, I know it is the greatest thing that could ever happen to someone. Also, who would want a known donor with possible someday siblings? Do you think there is anyone like that?

I know I could just donate it to research, and I think it is great that people do that because research is good, but I just can't. Little embie was made with lots of love and care and all kinds of other emotions, not to mention scientific procedures and money. Someone could maybe be a parent because of little embie, and we all know that my embies turn out to be super gorgeous awesome lovies. Ahem, I'm so modest.

All this thinking lead me to the Miracles Waiting website. Knowledge is power I guess. It is very important to me that I can truly donate the embryos without the recipient having fees or anything (aside from shipping) to receive the embryo, I don't want anyone buying it or having to add tedious legal and invasive proceedings to their already hard situation.

People will tell me to wait until I'm 100% sure, but how could I ever be 100% sure? It's just not the same as closing the door on having kids, because I'm fine with that. It's not about deciding if I'm done, but in a way, I've already made one more kid. I know the odds are slim that it will really make another kid, but how can you ever be totally okay with deciding what to do with your own child?

Here is the current breakdown:

-85% towards donating to someone on Miracles Waiting
-10% use it for myself
-5% wait it out for all eternity

I don't have any new photos uploaded, so we'll go with some oldies.
Fresh babies!
It's truly unbelievable what has happened in the last almost ten months.


  1. OMGoodness, this post has me in tears for some reason. It is a big decision. That picture is so precious. I would love a sibling for my almost 3 year old, but I don't think it is in the cards for us:(...(I love looking at the pics on the side of the blog too:)). Lori

  2. Ugh, suuuch a hard decision. I can honestly say that I don't envy you this one...I think all that you can do is make a decision that is right for you and DH and stick with it. Wishing you luck, and peace!

  3. What a sweet photo!! They look identical!!

    I can't even wrap my brain aroudn having to make that decision. I'm not in your shoes, we didn't do IVF, so I can't even really know how I would react. I do know we wanted 2 kids and thankfully got the buy one get one free kind. I wanted twins soooo badly. And, I really didn't enjoy being pregnant. But, we were 10 years older than you guys when G&C were born. That factored into our decision a lot, too. I also wouldn't want to have to go through the IUI stuff again. The multiple RE visitis per month, the drugs, etc... I am too tired with twins to even think of doing all that again. It took us 5 years to get pregnant. I don't have the desire to face monthly disappointment again.
    But all of my reasons revolve around the fact that a new pregnancy would be starting over for us. There is no embryo created already. Whole different ball game.

  4. Oh my goodness Ashley as someone who was matched with a family from Miracles Waiting and is now currently pregnant thanks to this incredible gift I am THRILLED you are considering this option! If you want to talk details you can always message me, there is a link to my e-mail address on my blog I would be happy to answer any questions you have and can get you in touch with our donor mother who I know would talk with you about her perspective. We LOVE our donor family and absolutely are SO happy we have an open relationship with them. We feel it's best for any children born out of their donated embryos and also best for their siblings. It's natural to wonder and we want our children to have the opportunity to know their donor parents and siblings.
    It is definitely a huge decision, but if there is anything I can do to help answer your questions regarding our experience with MW and a donor FET please don't hesitate to ask. Our lives were changed forever because of the incredibly selfless loving gift our donor family gave to us.

  5. Love your honesty and being so open about a decision that I know is so hard to make. And that little embryo WOULD make a gorgeous baby. :)

  6. Any decision you make is yours alone to make, obviously. But I know I personally would wait until my babies were at least two or three to make any kind of decision.

  7. I'd give it a little more time. At least one more year, if not three.

  8. Oh - how does hubby feel? Would he ever want another? How does he feel about someone else raising his biological child?
    (NOT an accusation, just a thought! I'm sure you've talked it over with him tons!)
    All of these questions you're struggling with are ones I knew we'd struggle with if any of our embies had survived to be frozen!

  9. Amazing!!! I stumbled across your blog while doing research on Miracles Waiting. I hope we will be blessed with a donor as down to earth as you! We've done IUI's and IVF with no luck.....but found out after all that my husband carries a genetic issue causing miscarriage. So much wasted heartache, time, and money.... good luck with your decision!!!


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