I spent years dreaming, hoping and wishing for a family. I spent nights crying thinking it probably wouldn't happen. Now that it has, my heart is full. They mean everything to me and my world revolves around them. My hurt is so full, I don't think I have room for anything more. All the moments that are not spent enjoying my babies now are spent imagining our future together and I just don't dream of another child.
So why keep the frostie?
1. It's mine. I had three embryos and two are Ocean and Ever. That means the third could be another beautiful little monkey.
2. It's really our only chance at another child if I change my mind.
Why shouldn't I keep the frostie?
1. I'm content and happy. Hubby said we should think about using the frostie next year and I know for sure that I am not ready to have a baby next year. No way.
2. The babies are expensive and another baby would be more expensive.
3. It's a hail mary. I would have to really want to do it because only a truly crazy person could go through a fertility treatment just because. So . . . I would have to truly want another baby but also be okay if it fails. I don't think that's possible. We can't afford more IVF, the frostie is it for us. It's too scary for me to handle.
4. I got through this ordeal relatively unscathed. I never had a loss and we only did IVF once. I have two healthy babies. Could that happen again or would I be asking for something terrible? Pregnancy after infertility, especially a high risk multiple pregnancy, is terrifying. The first 6 weeks of having a baby is terrifying and exhausting. My birth experience sucked and part of me would love a redo, but when I really think about that, I would like to travel in my time machine back to redo Ocean and Ever's birth, not a new baby.
5. Babies aren't babies for long and I think it is tempting to be like "I need some more baby years." No matter how many kids you have, someday they grow up. I had the priviledge of being a foster parent to three teenagers. Three babies might be cute, but three teenagers are NOT cute. That's just reality.
6. I don't want to go back to those depressing failure days. That's not fair to Ocean and Ever.
7. I think we can just keep paying for it until I decide. But what if I spend thousands of dollars on this frostie and it doesn't even thaw? What if it gets lost? I can't handle it. That stresses me out to the point that I feel like I should decide today.
I think the thing is that I want to protect this happiness. I don't want to change anything just yet.
Even though the negatives outweigh the positives, I'm not ready to let go. Why? I have never been a person that really thought of an embryo as a baby, but seeing an embryo on a TV screen that you worked hard to create and then seeing it as a baby in real life (times two) can change your mind. I just can't do it yet . . . .
OF COURSE I will not leave you without photos.
Oh, they are just heavenly!!