Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Frostie Trouble

Everytime I get the bill for my frostie's storage, the worry begins. It's silly, I know that, but when you're pumping money into something that you could be saving or using elsewhere, it's just hard not to let my mind wander into the what ifs.

I spent years dreaming, hoping and wishing for a family. I spent nights crying thinking it probably wouldn't happen. Now that it has, my heart is full. They mean everything to me and my world revolves around them. My hurt is so full, I don't think I have room for anything more. All the moments that are not spent enjoying my babies now are spent imagining our future together and I just don't dream of another child.

So why keep the frostie?

1. It's mine. I had three embryos and two are Ocean and Ever. That means the third could be another beautiful little monkey.

2. It's really our only chance at another child if I change my mind.

Why shouldn't I keep the frostie?

1. I'm content and happy. Hubby said we should think about using the frostie next year and I know for sure that I am not ready to have a baby next year. No way.

2. The babies are expensive and another baby would be more expensive.

3. It's a hail mary. I would have to really want to do it because only a truly crazy person could go through a fertility treatment just because. So . . . I would have to truly want another baby but also be okay if it fails. I don't think that's possible. We can't afford more IVF, the frostie is it for us. It's too scary for me to handle.

4. I got through this ordeal relatively unscathed. I never had a loss and we only did IVF once. I have two healthy babies. Could that happen again or would I be asking for something terrible? Pregnancy after infertility, especially a high risk multiple pregnancy, is terrifying. The first 6 weeks of having a baby is terrifying and exhausting. My birth experience sucked and part of me would love a redo, but when I really think about that, I would like to travel in my time machine back to redo Ocean and Ever's birth, not a new baby.

5. Babies aren't babies for long and I think it is tempting to be like "I need some more baby years." No matter how many kids you have, someday they grow up. I had the priviledge of being a foster parent to three teenagers. Three babies might be cute, but three teenagers are NOT cute. That's just reality.

6. I don't want to go back to those depressing failure days. That's not fair to Ocean and Ever.

7. I think we can just keep paying for it until I decide. But what if I spend thousands of dollars on this frostie and it doesn't even thaw? What if it gets lost? I can't handle it. That stresses me out to the point that I feel like I should decide today.

I think the thing is that I want to protect this happiness. I don't want to change anything just yet.

Even though the negatives outweigh the positives, I'm not ready to let go. Why? I have never been a person that really thought of an embryo as a baby, but seeing an embryo on a TV screen that you worked hard to create and then seeing it as a baby in real life (times two) can change your mind. I just can't do it yet . . . .

OF COURSE I will not leave you without photos.



Oh, they are just heavenly!!


  1. They're looking great! Hope that means they're feeling better!

  2. Oh, Ashley, I know exactly how you feel. I hate paying that fee. And we have, oh umm, like 10 frosties? Something ridiculous like that. We are totally and completely done having children. Our family just feels complete. So, now come the tough, awful decisions. I cannot bear the thought of destroying them, and it is so very hard to think of donating my embies to another family. I foresee some serious therapy in my near future. Just know you aren't alone.

  3. I'm with Lea - I know how you feel as well! We always only wanted two, and now that we have two (they are 8 weeks old), I am ready to be done. That said, we have 14 (yes 14) frosties. I have stage 4 endometriosis, so if we do want more babies we would need to have them relatively soon. Sigh. I just don't know what to do. I can't imagine going through the transfers, 2ww, worry and anticipation, etc. associated with trying to get pregnant again, let alone the cost of the transfers and any resulting kiddos! You are definitely not alone, that's for darn sure! We are going to just keep paying the bill to keep them frozen. . .I don't know what else to do at this point.
    And Ocean and Ever ARE heavenly! Such adorable kiddos you have!!

  4. Another year or two won't make much difference financially, but it might make a huge difference emotionally. I bet that just a couple of years will help you feel more secure with one decision over the other.

  5. That's tough. I am not in the same position but I totally get it.

    Boy, those monkeys sure are cute!

  6. It's interesting how laws vary from state to state. Here, frosties are either FET'd or donated. The state law does not allow destroying any embryos.

    This is a tough decision. I can't imagine having to think about that right now.

  7. Girl...I feel your pain. I just paid my storage fee too. I am simply not ready to make that decision. For an IFer it is the equivalent of decided to have your tubes tied or get a vasectomy.

  8. I think it's great that you outlined your points. At the very least you can keep going back to them. It's so darn difficult to decide. :(


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