Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Change of Heart

I have written several times about how hard it is to go to work and how I have formulated all these plans to stay at home with the babies. I have had several tear filled fights with my husband regarding this issue. I have had more than enough "woe is me" moments where I was so pissed that I couldn't be a stay at home mom and I thought of all things I would sacrifice to make it happen.

Good thing I didn't. Because I changed my mind.

I don't know how it happened, but I realized that I don't think that would be for me. Part time maybe, but I don't think that I want to be a stay at home mom. Ever.

I love my babies. A lot. It's not that I don't want to be with them, but I feel like I a moving towards a level of satisfaction now that we are in a groove. I feel like I love the time I spend with the babies. I feel like I would like a little more time but that I just may not be cut out for the full time experience.

Ouch, I just feel guilty even admitting any of this.

But it's true.

There are things that I don't do know that I wish I would because I work, like take care of myself. I can't spend awake time with the babies working out because I need that time with them but after they are in bed my energy is gone completely. I mean, I have the energy to type up a little something something, but certainly not to run and do crunches and lift weights and all. When I was home all day during maternity leave I did not feel bad about taking an hour to work out because I was with them all day. Now I'm not. It's a small sacrifice and all it costs is some juicy thighs and the fact that I have to wear spanx so tight I can hardly breathe on a daily basis.

I would like to sleep more. A lot more. Unfortunately, not working wouldn't change that due to the fact that I have twins who RARELY sleep at the same time.

My groove is found and I'm fine with it. Yes, I hear, "boy, do you look exhausted" more often than I wish I did, but it's my life. And it's good. I'm pleasantly plump, wrinkly, and I have gray hair, but my soul is feeling more satisfied. I didn't know how motherhood would be. I knew it would be cool, but it's all kinds of deeper than I figured. The changes are crazy. How quickly things change is crazy. A year ago if anyone would have told me "you aren't going to care that you look like crap" I may have slapped them. But it's true. I care a little, can't lie about that, but certainly not anywhere near what I used to.

For me, working is a good thing. Maybe in future points of motherhood I will change my mind (again), but for today, I know it's good.

And I like money. And benefits. Those are plus sides to working as well. The babies like them too, especially since they cost so much and Oshy had to make his SECOND trip to the pediatrician outside of a well child visit.

I also like conversating with adults. I like getting out of the house. With two babies, a breather can really feel good.

To sum it up, here are the good things:

1. Breathers
2. Money
3. Benefits
4. Adult time
5. Personal satisfaction
6. My time away helps me really value my time with them

Bad things:

1. I'm not with them all day and they are changing FAST, so so unbelievably FAST
2. I don't have the energy for personal wellness
3. I wonder if they think I am abandoning them
4. I am jealous of someone else being with them

I can't describe what it's like to roll up to the house and peek through the window and then walk in the door. Two gorgeous little monkeys smile from ear to ear and all they want is mama. I love it.

My sweetest Christmas present
My sassy Peanut


  1. I can completely agree with every word you wrote here. And I even get that you feel guilty for admitting it, as though it's something we should be ashamed for feeling. I think working part time would be a perfect balance. More time for my baby, still able to get out and be among the people and use my degree. Unfortunately, that is just not an option in my field (not to mention money considerations). It is really great to come home to baby smiles and love though! Glad you have found your groove and aren't stressing about that as much. I'm still all for either of us winning the lotery though. Then we'll just do volunteer work for like 10-12 hours per week, right? For underpriveleged children of course.

  2. Oh, I feel the conflict, too. You are doing a great job.

  3. Probably whether we stay at home or go back to work, we'll feel guilty either way! I hate all that I'll miss while I'm at work, but at least it's part-time. And I think the breather is the right thing for me, too. :)
    LOVE the new header! :)


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