Going Under the Knife

I am going under the knife tomorrow! They are going to have a peek through my belly button to see if I have scar tissue, if they do see some they will burn it off and they are going to put dye through my tubes just to make sure they are still clear and clear out anything they can there too.

We did notice that my left ovary is very cysty and doesn't have great fluid flow. I always thought there was something off with it because my cycles are longer when I am due to ovulate from that side and I just get a lot of pain but not any symptoms of ovulation. During monitored cycles it never produced as well as the right one. It's kind of a bummer to know that I have a low functioning ovary and let's say we tried for 6 months, that would only really equal 3 chances for us, but it's nice to have information. That's kind of sick I know, but I think knowing is good.

On the other hand, my right ovary looks fabulous! Better than ever actually. I can honestly say in the 9,237,983 ultrasounds I have had of my ladybits I've never seen an ovary that nice. The doctor said it looks great, fully functioning, and like it is ready for ovulation. That makes me really, really happy. It's the small things! I have no idea what brought this about because I had it scanned about four months ago. The only thing difference in my life is that I have been taking CoQ10 supplements for the last few months and drinking at least one glass of antioxidant max green tea. Interesting . . . . .

I feel really good about things actually. Seeing that good ovary and getting new information is calming to me. Taking some action makes me happy. I know this is super weird, but my psychic friend emailed me too! I know that is cuckoo, but I contacted her before my first IVF because I was so crazy and I needed someone or anything to tell me yes, IVF was the best thing to do. I randomly got an email from her yesterday saying that she was "feeling" that I have been having a hard time and that it was a hard time that has plagued me and brought me down for a long time (true!). She then said that this thing is going to change and I am going to feel a peace that will be permanent. It is silly because I am not 100% convinced in psychics and Gods and things, but I won't lie, I like what she has to say! It may be false hope completely, but false hope feels a lot better than no hope at this point.

Hubby and I have come to a decision that we are both happy and content with. But I'm not telling (evil laugh)! At the end of summer you will know what we chose if I a)announce my IVF pregnancy, b) announce that we are heading on a cruise in Disney form, or c) Hubby does a guest post telling you I am in the mental institution because we did IVF and it didn't work.

In odd news:

1. I am planning the twins 2nd birthday party! Shut the front door, the twins will be two in a little over two months! We are doing it Yo Gabba Gabba style. The kids love that show, and I have to admit, it's my fave kid show too. Hubby even has a full DJ Lance Rock costume. He looks like an idiot in it so I can't wait to show you the pictures!

2. Sometimes I like to see what people Google to arrive here. One things said "fat girl with a belly button ring." What the hell Google?!?!? I know I'm pleasantly plump, but I don't even have a belly ring. Geez. Rude.

Water tables are where it's at in toddler world!

10 Days in Heaven

I took ten days off at the holiday's. I only usually take a long weekend or as of late, we have had so much sickness that I am off for that. Otherwise, it's two days a week.

Ten straight days was a big deal. I haven't been with them that long since they were only 10 weeks old. They are about to turn two!

I absolutely loved it. It was amazing! Watching all the little things they do is the best. We did lots and lots of snuggles. While we were together they slept better and weren't so whiney like they sometimes get in the evening, which is probably because they missed Mommy and Daddy so much that they just want to be held all evening. Hello Mommy Guilt. Being available to them all the time was so relaxing.

I think those ten days with Oshy and Ever really built up my patience too, with all the things we have going on. Working full time, hubby is also in school almost full time, trying to be with the twins as often as possible, trying to take care of myself, family building, etc. Hubby had to go out of town last minute for work, which normally stresses me out, but we did fine. One night my grandparents helped and one night it was just us. I even had to unexpectedly be to work an hour and a half early and it was no big deal! That is strange. We got ready quickly, had snuggles and loves, no one was stressed, even though they only had mommy to depend on day and night.

It made me come to two conclusions:

1. I can handle more than I think I can and things generally turn out okay. I always think I"m failing, when in fact, things aren't so bad. Me not immediately stressing turned out great for everyone, hubby and the twins especially.

2. It also made me reprioritize some things. One thing I can't discuss at this time as it is work related and undetermined. The other is that I put some effort into getting organized. I have not been trying to squeeze in as much sleep as possible for the last week, but instead getting up by 6:30 a.m. so I have a good 45 minutes to really prepare myself for the day before the twins wake up. That might be a no brainer, but I just figured it out! I purchased a dry erase calendar for the fridge and hubby and I went through the month writing down what we know will happen and getting ourselves figured out. I even planned a week's worth of meals, that, wait for it . . . . will be cooked at home! That's a big deal. Friday night when we were driving and saw a restaurant out the window of the car the twins would say "dinner! dinner!" Yeah, not good . . . .

Those ten days made a big difference! I am going to save up my vacation and try to do that more often, instead of taking a little time here and there. If we decide to not proceed with the fresh IVF, we have looked into taking a Disney cruise at the end of summer. We love cruising and think it would be fun to take the nuggets.

Hubby said how much the last week has been so enjoyable and he likes the new, organized Ashley. Cross your fingers that it lasts . . . . .

Eye rolling caught in the act!

Ever was sleeping, so Osh and I went exploring togther in the woods!

Best and Worst Celebrity Names 2011

Hubby found this Yahoo article and had me come read it because we are both obsessed with names. Yes, even hubby. The thought of having more kids is an interesting prospect because there really aren't any names in the world better than Ocean and Ever. We have a few up our sleeves, but we will never tell! (evil laugh happening) We get made fun of a lot for these names, but we aren't offended.

Names are tough for me because I work with 80 kids a day. That means that names get stuck to certain types of kids and I can't picture them any other way. I hate a lot of names. It is awful when people tell me what they are going to name their child because 9 times out of 10 I do not like it and I happen to be an absolutely terrible liar. I don't ever ask anyone what names they've picked because I know my first thought will be "ick" or something like that. I have never told anyone that I hate their child's name to their face of course, it's tough for me though.

Without further ado, here are the best and worst names of celebrity babies (who are awesome namers) . . . .

BEST LIST

Girls
Amaya (Mariska Haritgay)- Meh, it's okay
Joni (Zac Brown of the Zac Brown Band)- I hate it
Monroe (Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon) - I love it!
Penelope Athena (Tina Fey) - Meh, it's okay
Willow Sage (Pink) - I love it!

Boys
Milo (Alyssa Milano) - Meh, it's okay
Skyler (Rachel Zoe) - I hate it
Marcelo (Ali Landry) - Meh, it's okay
Flynn (Miranda Kerr and Orlando Bloom) - I love it!
Weston (Jenna Fischer) - I hate it

WORST LIST

Girls

Mosely (Peyton Manning) - I love it!
Mirabella Bunny (Bryan Adams) - This is a cross between okay and love, I love Bunny for a middle name!
Genesis (Viola Davis) - I hate it, with emphasis!
Arlo (Johnny Knoxville) - I would like this for a boy
Indiana (Ethan Hawke) - I hate it

Boys

Kroy Jagger (Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak) - I hate it
Spike (Mike Myers) - I hate it
Bear Blu (Alicia Silverstone) - I hate it
Kannon (Kevin James) - I love it!
Diesel (Jennie Finch) - Meh, it's okay. I like it with the sibling, whose name is Ace
Moroccan Scott (Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon) - I hate it

So there you have it. Thoughts on these picks?

We went to the Nascar Hall of Fame in North Carolina. Hubby and Osh loved it. Ever and I thought it was totally lame.

I know, don't even say it. My little baby boy looks like a boy, a real boy. Tear.

Someone Tell Me What To Do

I know, I know, only I can make decisions for myself. But I just don't want to! Spending lots of time off of work with the twinsies helped a lot, but I have big decisions to make. Here is a glimpse into my crazy mind and all the things running through my head:

1. To IVF or not to IVF? Immediately after the big BFN (big because it was FET style, not all the usual ones I have with a regular cycle for the months before that), I thought I would for sure, HAVE to do a fresh IVF. We are signed up for the May/June cycle. I'm not sure if I want to though. If I do that, I could lose all my chances of moving neighborhoods (this isn't a vanity thing, the Kindergarten in our neighborhood is a big no and I don't really agree with homeschooling, but I will if we still live here) and also being a stay at home mom in the foreseeable future. I go back and forth on it. I like working okay, but our daycare bills are higher than our mortgage so it seems silly sometimes, but my health care is really awesome. So financially, the IVF is a scary situation. $15,000. Ouch.

2. The other issue is twins. I knew if I ever did IVF again, I would only transfer one. Well . . . I just did that and it didn't work. Transferring two instead of one slightly raises your chance of success. As far as twin pregnancies go, mine was pretty easy and full term to boot. But twin pregnancy with twin toddlers? That sounds like a terrible idea. Twin infants? That was not fun. 100% worth it, but really hard. That would be very very hard on me and even worse, that would be unfair to the twins I already have. I don't think I could walk in there and confidently transfer one and I'm not spending $15K on something I don't feel fairly confident about. Also Hubby is not to keen on the idea of twins again. He really wants to the the IVF, but as long as we don't agree, it will not happen.

3. Adoption. We have almost fully filled out our foster care packet and have a few more things to do. Over the weekend we had two kiddos over and I had four kids running around and I absolutely loved it. But (there is always a but), I think of how Osh and Peanut fight over mommy time and how that might affect them. I think of what would happen if they get really attached to the foster child and he/she gets taken away from us, which is very likely to happen. I don't want to be offensive, but I also wonder how I will feel. Will I feel differently about a non-biological child? How will our friends and family treat that child? How will the child feel in comparison to Ocean and Ever? It's a really hard decision.

4. I would like to just keep continuing to try on our own, but that is just not possible for my body. People keep telling me how I have all this time, but if I needed intervention at 23 I can't imagine waiting much longer would be great. I was hoping to be one of those people whose body corrected itself after pregnancy, but unfortunately my body is a bigger mess than it ever has been. My ovaries look like hell on the sono and combined with the c-section pain and pulling it just isn't good. Not to mention weight gain. We just got excited about trying on our own and it was fun and then BAM! I got my period two weeks early. Early. EARLY. I read online that this can be due to adequate estrogen levels but low progesterone (check), sudden increase in exercise (check) or stress (super check, all of the above). So while we thought we were giving it a go on our own, we were never even in the game. Yuck. I thought about just doing three months of birth control to give my haywire hormones a break and then 4-6 months of to try on our own and see if maybe a kid comes along, but I'm not sure.

5. Age. Hubby would not like to procreate past when he turns 40, but we would both like to have more kiddos. Please don't take that offensively, age of people does not bother me in anyway, if you want to babymake well into your 60's I really don't care. But for Hubby this is important, and I understand and respect what he is saying. Which means we have less than 5 years to resolve this. That may seem like a long time, but it is short when you think of having to come up with big bucks multiple times and all the things that could happen in between.

6. Letting it go. I hate to admit that I hope beyond hope that I could just wake up one morning and be like "I'm fine, I don't really need a third or more kid." That would actually be ideal. That or a free baby, but I don't think either one will happen. It would just be the easiest thing in the world to decide that I'm good and move on. I am trying to do that, but it is tough. When I was five years old and my youngest sibling was brought home from the hospital, I just knew that being a mom was the life for me. I have always wanted a house full, four or five kids. Hubby and I were watching a movie a month back and there was a family with a table of six kids (that's too many for me personally, maybe) and he said he can't wait until we have chaos like that in our home. Not only will I feel let down, I think I will feel eternally guilty if I don't make this happen somehow. But I don't want to feel guilty. I want to want to be done.

Do you see this mess? I just want someone to tell me what to do, but I know it's time to put on the big girl panties. I have until May to make up my mind.

On a side note, I lost a follower yesterday. What? You don't want to hear about my pubic hair trims? Also, I did some unfollowing yesterday. I have removed blogs from my blogroll before, but never totally unfollowed. So weird!

Three Fails in 24 Hours

Fail #1: I don't do many playdates, mostly because I have a job (oops, I mean I "work outside the home"). I have one friend that comes over to hang out, but that is low maintenance because we are very similar and she doesn't care that my house is messy and we laugh when our kids wrestle for toys, not freak out. Well . . due to kid free week my house was semi-clean and I had the day off Friday so I had a playdate at my house. Since I am a moron, I thought to myself, I have some extra time this morning, I will go ahead and shave my pubes with hubby's face razor again since he isn't around to freak out about it. Those damn things get everywhere! I cleaned them up, but after the playdate left I notices the hairy pube ring around the top of the toilet. Crap! I bet that will be my last playdate with them!

Fail #2: Speaking of things I do almost never, I went out for a friend's birthday. I am rather an anti-social hermit so I really didn't want to but this friend is very supportive of me and my psychotic infertility issues (not many people are up to par in that arena) so I decided I would for sure go and just have a glass of wine. I am a lightweight as well and had four glasses of wine, which made me shitfaced. The current doctor I'm seeing since my regular OB is on maternity leave and the RE rapes my savings account thinks it would be a good idea to chart my temps to see if I ovulate on my own. I decided I would start Saturday. I did not start Saturday because I was up chugging water all night due to the room spinning and I figured that would not be conducive to an accurate temp. I also slept late because Peanut came in the room and was jumping on my and saying "boo" in my ear and I thought I was going to ralph. Nice. Fail.

Fail #3: This is only a partial fail, but I was out running and I wore my spandex running pants and was very self-consious because I have put on a ton of weight this year. A really unattractive, toothless hillbilly leaned out of his window to take a gander. Back in the day this used to happen to me and I would think "oh sick, what a loser," but not yesterday! Oh no! I thought "hell yeah, I've still got it bitches!" But then I was super ashamed that I got that excited over hillbilly sexual harassment. At least the running part was a win.

This is what happens when you suggest to Peanut that it might be time to lose the bottle, no joke . . . . .



It ain't happenin.'