The Shopping Trip From Hades

It's gotten pretty cold around these parts lately. I knew that it was going to be cold today, VERY cold, so I decided the babies and I better get out of the house for sure. It was just me and the two monkeys, but I decided to risk it.

We bundled up extra warm and headed to the mall. Yesterday I packed up a ton of their clothes (tear) so I needed some retail therapy because it is a little sad how quickly my babies are growing. Of course the parking lot was a zoo due to the holiday season.

Both babies had been fussy and now they were asleep. I got the baby carrier out and put Ever in it and then wrapped her in a blanket. I got the umbrella stroller out for Oshy and put the diaper bag in it. It was freezing. I mean super nasty freezing out. I was in a rush. I picked Oshy up and the hit of cold air made his gasp and whimper. I got him into the stroller and he started fussing. I was in such a panic I was pulling at the seat belt and my grip got loose and I hit Oshy right in the nose!! Can you believe it? The poor guy gets the rude awakening of freezing air and then gets hit in the nose by his own mommy. He is obviously now very upset.

I get him strapped in and wrap the blanket around him. I take off running. I look like a complete jackass. The wind blows off one of Ocean's socks so he now has a bare foot in the 24 degree weather. I run faster. The wind blows again and it blows off the babies' blankets.

We don't even make it to the mall entrance ya'll.

I decide I am the #1 suckiest mom on the planet and turn around and run for the car. I again get in such a panic all I can do is screw things up. I yank Oshy out of the stroller and he is a complete wreck. Everything is in such a tangle I am bent over and I can tell by the breeze at least half of my ass is showing. Cars drive by. I know this isn't good, but my bare ass is just not the priority. Both babies are now in the carseats, crying. A man walks by smiling at me. I want to punch him in the face. Look dude, I know you just saw the shining beacon of white light that is my behind, but I don't need to have you looking at me with that d-bag smile on your face!

We are all in the car and I start driving because I know they will fall asleep like they always do in a moving vehicle. Once the car is quiet, I do what any mature adult what do and cry like a little baby.

Then drive through Culver's for a holiday ice cream treat in the form of emotional eating.

Oy, I learned my lesson.

Speaking of cold weather, I have some photos of our new cold weather apparel!

I spent lots of time looking at hats on Etsy, but I am a cheapskate and couldn't bring myself to spend $20-$30 on a hat for the super growth twins. I found these at Walmart for $7 and I think they are so cute, I couldn't believe it!

"What the hell is on your head?"



We sure won't lose Peanut in the snow!

Totally Random

- Everyone is starting to feel better. Praise. I have now had two good nights of sleep in almost two weeks.

- Even with two kids now and no sleep, I am by some miracle more organized than usual. Weird! I am almost done holiday shopping and it's not the day before Christmas!

- Ever is a freak. She is wild. Many moons ago when I worked in an infant room I have never experienced an infant like this. I am sadly in love with it. Hubby said it won't be funny in a few years, but I'm pretty sure I am going to think of it as equally as funny as I do now. My little Oshy is such a lover and a sweet boy and people just ooh and aah over him. And then there's little crazy. I am feeling so in love with them these days. Maybe it's the holidays or more sleep or something, but it's like extra amazing love. I'm a total loser right now because it's making me tear up just thinking about how much I love them.

- One of my staff at work said that they are approaching their 21st birthday. I told her in a few months I will be 27. And two of them said at the same time "that's it?" WHAT!!!???? I'm getting botox.

- I have recently begun eating healthier and exercising. This week I have done 30 minutes of cardio on the elliptical, my 12 minute DVD (which is way harder than 30 minutes of cardio) and a Kickboxing class. I expected it to be basically aerobics. No. I wore boxing gloves and a Marine was telling me how to punch, kick and protect my head when someone was fighting me. No one is going to fight me. I don't punch by the way, I bitch slap. In my mind because I actually don't do that either. It was a great workout! I have even lost one pound this week even though I screwed up in the most heavenly way by eating a cheeseburger and candy cane/peppermint/ oreo ice cream cup. Yummy!

- Ocean is kicking life's ass. Let me highlight all of the developments in just a week:

1. Feeding himself (Ever can do this too)

2. Drinking from a sippy (Ever cannot do this)

3. Crawling (Ever can't do this as well, she is too busy being crazy)

Ever is best at being naked. We are going through a terrible phase with her throwing tantrums while getting changed. If it wasn't 28 degrees here and getting colder I would just let her be in a diaper 24/7.

Isn't she so stinkin' cute?


-On a side note regarding the last post, destroying the embryo is not an option either for us because I'm not comfortable with it. We will either use it or donate it, those are the two options for us, just FYI.

- Our hard drive crashed. Nope, we were not smart enough to back it up, so ALL of our pictures for the last 8 years are gone. Gone until we come up with the $500 needed to get them off. Oy! It's always something!

- It's almost the holiday! I CANNOT wait. I am debating whether to go see Santa next weekend or not. In two and a half weeks I will have FOUR straight days off from work. YES!!!!

Frostie Trouble

Everytime I get the bill for my frostie's storage, the worry begins. It's silly, I know that, but when you're pumping money into something that you could be saving or using elsewhere, it's just hard not to let my mind wander into the what ifs.

I spent years dreaming, hoping and wishing for a family. I spent nights crying thinking it probably wouldn't happen. Now that it has, my heart is full. They mean everything to me and my world revolves around them. My hurt is so full, I don't think I have room for anything more. All the moments that are not spent enjoying my babies now are spent imagining our future together and I just don't dream of another child.

So why keep the frostie?

1. It's mine. I had three embryos and two are Ocean and Ever. That means the third could be another beautiful little monkey.

2. It's really our only chance at another child if I change my mind.

Why shouldn't I keep the frostie?

1. I'm content and happy. Hubby said we should think about using the frostie next year and I know for sure that I am not ready to have a baby next year. No way.

2. The babies are expensive and another baby would be more expensive.

3. It's a hail mary. I would have to really want to do it because only a truly crazy person could go through a fertility treatment just because. So . . . I would have to truly want another baby but also be okay if it fails. I don't think that's possible. We can't afford more IVF, the frostie is it for us. It's too scary for me to handle.

4. I got through this ordeal relatively unscathed. I never had a loss and we only did IVF once. I have two healthy babies. Could that happen again or would I be asking for something terrible? Pregnancy after infertility, especially a high risk multiple pregnancy, is terrifying. The first 6 weeks of having a baby is terrifying and exhausting. My birth experience sucked and part of me would love a redo, but when I really think about that, I would like to travel in my time machine back to redo Ocean and Ever's birth, not a new baby.

5. Babies aren't babies for long and I think it is tempting to be like "I need some more baby years." No matter how many kids you have, someday they grow up. I had the priviledge of being a foster parent to three teenagers. Three babies might be cute, but three teenagers are NOT cute. That's just reality.

6. I don't want to go back to those depressing failure days. That's not fair to Ocean and Ever.

7. I think we can just keep paying for it until I decide. But what if I spend thousands of dollars on this frostie and it doesn't even thaw? What if it gets lost? I can't handle it. That stresses me out to the point that I feel like I should decide today.

I think the thing is that I want to protect this happiness. I don't want to change anything just yet.

Even though the negatives outweigh the positives, I'm not ready to let go. Why? I have never been a person that really thought of an embryo as a baby, but seeing an embryo on a TV screen that you worked hard to create and then seeing it as a baby in real life (times two) can change your mind. I just can't do it yet . . . .

OF COURSE I will not leave you without photos.

Oh, they are just heavenly!!

Sickos

This has been a long week. We have been very fortunate to make it for almost 7 and a half months with no sickness, even though we take the babies everywhere and I am a major sanitizing slacker.

The time has come. I have had two very sick little babies. It started last Saturday night with Ocean. He cried quite a bit through the night and I was up most of the night with him. He seemed okay in the day. Sunday wasn't quite so bad and Monday night was an absolute nightmare. I was up with him from 11:00 p.m. until 5:30 a.m. After trying to comfort my baby for 6 and a half hours to no avail, I went downstairs crying as well. My mom took him. Ever woke up and she had one eye swollen and wonky with snot dripping down her face. She was completely lethargic.

My mom called around noon and said that we really needed to take them to the doctor. Trying to comfort your babies for days is just so sad. I could do nothing for them. They kept looking at me to do something for them but I couldn't. It was awful.

Ever was so lethargic and terrible looking that we figured she would be the worse off. Nope. My Oshy boy had a 102 degree fever, a little heat rash and an ear infection. Ever was at 99, which is pretty normal for a baby but she had a sinus infection. After that we've been living off of antibiotics and Tylenol (vitamin T).

I took a picture of Ever. Prepare your eyes to view on very sick Peanut . . . . .

I thought snot might taste a little better with a side of french fries.

Now that it's Sunday, they are still snotty but feeling much better. It is no fun to have sick babies. For one, I felt worthless to help them and that sucks. For two, holding them down to suck snot out of their noses while they scream bloody murder is awful. They were already sick and then I had to go and torture them! And lastly, I am super EXHAUSTED!!

I feel for the babies, but I'm not going to lie, I feel sorry for myself too. I got one night of sleep in 6 days and I worked every single day. I became so tired I wasn't able to sleep because I spent so much time keeping myself awake. It sucked big ones. I was waiting for the night hubby came home so that I could sleep in the guest bed and he could spend the night caring for them since he spent all week snoozing it up in a hotel.

Hubby came home sick. He went to bed. I got no relief. Friday night as I was up rocking my boy from 11:45 until 2:30 while hubby was downstairs sleeping like a baby, I felt the overwhelming urge to go and kick him. But I didn't. Domestic violence is so not cool. Neither is sleep deprivation.

So I brought Oshy downstairs to sick hubby and said "I NEED SLEEP!" and went up and slept for 5 hours. 5 beautiful hours.

Now it's Sunday and we are all feeling better. Phew. Maybe I will take up heavy sanitizing.

Dirty Mouth? Clean It Up!

Big things are happening around my house, which we will get to later, and they have made me start thinking I need to get a little more mom-like.

Have you noticed I've been cursing less? I still drop an h-bomb every now and then, but as I told my mother as a child, "what, they say it in church?" (karma again) I also say the sh-word on occasion, but they are limited. At least quite a bit more limited than they used to be.

I have to do this because I work with kids and it is ever so shocking to hear a dirty word out of a sweet little mouth. With my current vocabulary, we are going to be screwed in that department. When you are playing letter bingo with a three year old and you tell them that it is not the right letter with that sound and they say "well shit" two things happen:

1. I try not to laugh my bottom off.
2. I think to myself that obviously this sweet child's parents don't watch their mouth at home or monitor their TV watching.

I am going to be the parent on the receiving end of #2 for sure.

Now for the big stuff going on. The babies are standing up!! I did not see Oshy doing it with my own eyes, but Ever did it last night while sitting on my lap. I. CANNOT. BELIEVE. THEY. ARE. GROWING. UP. SO. FAST. Everyone says "oh, the time goes by so fast!" and I listen but don't process it and now I have processed it and I can't take it! I tried to take a photo but then it almost ended in a disaster which I will not say or else CPS will be knocking at my door. Naughty.

So, since they are only 7 months, 1 week, and 3 days old and are already standing up I figure they will be talking in no time and their first word should not be fuck.

Oops, I said it.