Our First Just Us Vacation

We're Back!

We went to Branson, MO. You may or may not have heard of it. It's an all American kind of place. Cheesy, basically. If you ever would have told me that my family little of liberal heathens would find pure bliss in a place that was undergoing a Gospel festival for the weekend, where many people say "y'all" and "God bless you" in every other sentence, where you listen to remixes of Proud to Be An American on group tours, where there are gigantic concrete Ronald Reagan heads in tshirt shop parking lots, and where "you're daughter is beautiful" is promptly followed by "that's gonna require a real big gun," I would have laughed at you.

But I'm not laughing (actually did laugh at some of those things). I am, however, smiling from ear to ear. It was heavenly!!

On our first day there we went to an amusement park. We had a blast. We rode rides and watched shows and ate enough fried food to clog the arteries of the healthiest person you know.









**please note that we are not fans of guns, but we were in the country, these are pretend and part of the ride. As they say, when in Rome . . . ,





Next, we did a lot of swimming. I have two little water bugs on my hands. We got them floaties to see if they could swim on their own a little bit. They did awesome! They even jumped off the side and went under water.






On Sunday we rode the ducks. We took a tour of Branson and some military stuff in a vehicle that also becomes a boat. Ocean really loved it. The tour guide was awesome and we sang and danced and loved going out on the lake.



After that we went to a butterfly house and rainforest. It turns out Ocean hates frogs, butterflies and mazes with loud noises.





On the way home, we stopped at a drive through animal zoo where you can feed the animals.





Then there was the best parts . . . Snuggled, lovin' and jumping on hotel beds!








I can't wait for our next adventure.

One Way Ticket to Crazyville

I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone right now.

It's that first trimester stuff where you don't look different and I don't feel that different (I feel like poo, but nothing like with the twins) and I don't feel anything so I don't know if this is real.

22 pee sticks, three betas and two ultrasounds should help it sink in, but it doesn't.

We told people after the second ultrasound where the little nugget had grown quite a bit and popped up with a heartrate at 170, when it was only 100 the last time. I thought it would be like Weight Watchers, where people join to be kept accountable. If I tell people I'm pregnant we can talk about it and then it can be real. I went to a BBQ on Saturday and someone said "I hear congratulations are in order" and then I looked around wondering what the heck they were talking about it.

I know that I can't jinx it. It will happen or it will not happen and there is not one thing I can do, besides refraining from Meth and bungee jumping. I tried going about my regular business, I even ran a 5K a few weeks ago. Now I feel bad and don't have the energy to work out, which should make me feel better, but I feel nothing else.

I told myself it would be so different this time. I wouldn't obsess. I wouldn't rent the hospital grade doppler to listen twice a day for a heartbeat. But I probably will because I just feel too weird and I really need that reassurance, free baby or not.

I went to my first official OB appointment last week. It was like an out of body experience actually. It was really important that I ask about a VBAC and I did and she gave me the info and I listened but I didn't feel anything. I gained three pounds and it didn't worry me. They moved my due date based on the two ultrasounds I had to December 25th, Christmas Day. I can't even think that far ahead. I have some bacteria that can cause preterm labor so I am on antibiotics. I just keep going through the motions and taking my pills and hoping for the best, a take home baby in December.

One month until the end of the first trimester! Hopefully my NT scan will help drive this home for me and then we can really celebrate each day. I was laying in bed last night and Hubby asked if I needed anything. I said "I NEED TO SEE THE BABY NOW!" I just need to. But I have to have patience and not go cuckoo . . . . . .

Thank goodness for the twins! They keep me super busy. Peanut lays in bed with me playing on the iPad when I feel like poo. Last night we all fell asleep together watching Shrek 2 in our bed (we have a queen bed by the way, not a good idea). We leave soon for the first phase of our summer of us, but we got a little taste at my in-law's cabin. The twins loved boating and they love water!

Separating the Twins

Hubby called me this week and said that the daycare director asked if we would be okay if we moved Osh man up to the next class because there was an opening. Hubby thinks this is a great idea to give them some time apart.

Well . . . . Mommy said no.

I know Hubby thinks we need to make sure they know they are "individuals" and they know that! Sheesh, they couldn't be more opposite. They do like to be together though. Osh way more than Peanut. Oshy just doesn't like to be alone. Part of me thinks it may be good for him, but he is only 2! If he were 5 or 6 I could explain it to him, but what he will be seeing is that sissy gets to stay in the class that he really loves while I drag him down the hall to a new place and how do I explain that to my sweet little two year old boy? I don't think I can.

In terms of transitions, this won't be fun no matter what. Oshy and Peanut both really love their teacher and their classroom, so changing teachers isn't going to be awesome. They have had a sub for some days and Oshy walked into the class and saw the sub and then walked right back out and told me he is going home with mommy!

This is how I see it. We could have one transition which would be two toddlers moving to a new class and getting used to it.

Or we could have a million transitions in one.

1. One toddler moving and transitioning.
2. Both of them transitioning to not being around each other.
3. The next one moving up and having another transition for another child.
4. The kids then getting used to being together all day again.

4 transitions vs. 1 transition? I think you know what this lazy mama is going to choose.

I know someday we will have to do this and Hubby thinks I'm babying them. But they are my babies, so baby them I will! My nuggets will be in the same class.

So there.

The Story

Let's rewind back to January. We were hot off the sting of a failed FET, which sucked enormous balls. I am a lowly government worker with no infertility coverage on my insurance plan, so affording IVF isn't easy by any stretch. Having the FET fail was a huge reminder that IVF doesn't always work. We live in a humble home already because of all the money we spent on our first go round with infertility and now the FET drained us $4 K more and for nothing. I had the lap in January and the doctor so kindly told me I'm screwed and that I should get on birth control so as not to damage my fragile reproductive system any further and just to save up for IVF.

That really sucked. After tears and major anger, I felt better and decided I didn't want any part of another IVF. We decided we would go forward with selling our house and moving on up, which we had to put off for fertility reasons. We realized we would probably not ever have more than two children and since their daycare bill will just keep going down we may as well spend the extra on a house. We got pre approved for way more than we thought and became really excited. We also started planning the Summer of Us, a celebration of our awesome family of four. I decided to do the vegan cleanse because of the Giuliana Rancic cancer and fertility treatment business. I wanted all fertility gunk out of my system. The result was looking good and I did not crave sugar or fast food hardly ever. I dedicated more time to working out and really felt great, mentally and physically.

We decided we would try to get knocked up on our own for one to three years as long as my body stayed in control of itself. I invested in a thermometer for charting but was too lazy to use it.I bought a mega pack of ovulation tests for cheap to use. FertilAid has always helped me with regular cycles so I bought several months of it to hopefully keep me regular without the use of birth control. I honestly thought this was fun. I didn't put much stock in it as I I have already walked this road so this was just something to do to pass the time and if it happened awesome, if it didn't, who cares, at least I felt like I was doing something.

A mere three months later, I wasn't for sure if I was really ovulating or not so I decided to dedicate one month to temping. I also decided to read 50 Shades of Grey, and well, ahem, just use your imagination. Hubby was a happy man! My chart appeared to look like I had ovulated. Then my chart appeared to look like someone who was pregnant. I had run 7 miles easily one weekend and the next I nearly died running 5 miles. My heart would start racing and I would get light headed, which happened when I was very new preggo with the twins.

I told myself not to be a dumb dumb baby because I have cramps, I'm infertile and a licensed physician who just took a fresh look at my insides told me to forget it, OF COURSE it would be silly to think I would just get pregnant for free.

But I had a million pregnancy tests left over the FET, so what the heck? At 11 dpo it was a BFN. Duh, silly me.

At 12 dpo those tests were still burning a hole and it's kinda fun to pee on stuff with no emotion attached so I peed again. BFP. WTF?

I paced around. I analyzed it in all different lighting. It was there, but it was barely visible to the naked eye. I called my mom crying like a baby and hyperventilating. Surely nothing good could come of this. I just found my happy place where it would be okay if it didn't happen. How cruel would it be to have a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage as soon as I got to my happy, content place? This wasn't really supposed to happen to me.

I text Hubby and told him we would get a really special present from Santa this year. He replied with " you never know." "Yes I do," I said. No response.

I went to work but stopped at my friends office. I cried again and spilled all the dirty details. She said to call my doctor right away. I called the RE and they said to come on in, they would be happy to run some betas. I didn't have the balls, so I decided to wait until the next day.

I called Hubby and asked if he got my texts. I told him I took a test and it was positive, I'm pregnant.
He laughed hysterically and said that is awesome, really awesome.

At 13 dpo I got my first beta back at 44 with a progesterone level of 14. Not great. They said to start progesterone suppositories right away.

Two days later, I was just hoping for a beta around 88. It was 151!!!!! My progesterone level was over 20 which is what they like to see.

At a little over 6 weeks we saw our little nugget, with a flickering heartbeat.

I had some panic and I got another ultrasound a little over 8 weeks and baby now has a head and body and heart rate of 170!

I know I have a long way to go, but we decided after that second ultrasound to just be thankful. The infertile in me who is always waiting for the other shoe to drop and the bad news to take over gets the best of me at times, but mostly we are just excited and thankful. We are going to have to change a lot of plans we just made, like the dream house (3 under 3 in daycare and a car that holds three carseats will take up that extra mortgage money), but we are cool with it. We already know there is no amount of money or material things that are more awesome than a child. We feel very lucky and can't wait to see what happens! Tomorrow I will schedule our NT scan and that will be a huge milestone.

That's the story! Thank you so much for all your comments on my last post!

An Interesting Development

I've been keeping a secret. A big secret.



You can probably guess what this secret might be. You are probably right, so I want to give you a chance to decide if you want to read further.
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We are very surprised to be expecting baby number three on December 20th! I have taken 22 pregnancy tests, 3 betas, and two ultrasounds and I am 8w4d today.

Crazy. I'll give the full details tomorrow, so you can decide if you want to read them!

Sometimes I Do Stuff Right

It is no secret that I am not Super Mom.

My house is a mess.

I never cook.

I have not even one time picked up a book regarding child rearing and there is no method to my madness.

I laugh at my kids sometimes when they are naughty. Because it's really funny.

I work all day and then want to lay on the couch every night and watch Shrek for the 9 millionth time with the monkeys.

When I listen to other moms talk about their child's development or what they feed them or their Erin Condren planner with all their days detailed out in perfect organization, I sometimes think to myself "shit, I might really be screwing this up."

Luckily, my children are pretty amazing, so I can't be that bad just because I don't do all that Super Mom stuff.

Last night I was tucking Oshy in, and he patted his pillow and said "c'mon Mommy. Lay down." I crawled into his crib. He covered me in his blanket, rubbed my back and gave me a kiss right on the lips. I smiled knowing that my boy is such a sweet thing and I know he learned those things from me and Hubby.

Peanut loves to play with baby dolls. I was spying on her in the playroom and she was rocking in their kid sized rocking with one of her babies. She leaned in and said "shhh" in her baby's ear and then quitely whispered her songs that I sing her every night. We do it in the same order: ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and You Are My Sunshine. I used to rock them in the rocking chair and whisper in her ear just like she was doing with her baby and she remembered! Those sweet moments between us made an impact. I impacted my sweet girl to be who she is. I may not be perfect, but surely I am doing something right, and it is such a joy to see.

My little munchkins at swim lessons. They love swimming and were not pleased to have their 40 minute lesson end! The pool was freezing balls, but we had so much fun taking them to their first organized lesson! Gymnastics will be coming this fall!

The Summer of Us

After our failed treatment in December, we did a lot of soul searching. Our little frosty was really our last realistic chance of affording the fertility treatments we need to conceive. It was tough to make the decision to grieve the loss of adding to our family or make extreme sacrifices to pursue something that we longed for. We decided to grieve. During that time, we found out that my pain regarding the subject was too awkward or uncomfortable for everyone and it was a little disappointing. We decided then to walk a different path from the one we have been on. Instead of focusing on adding to our family and what others have to say about it and we were going to celebrate something we have that we can love and nurture and hopefully always count on: US. The four us! Me, Hubby, Oshy, and Peanut. The most important safety net of support in our life should always be us. We are going to take the time to enjoy our moments together. It is too tempting at home to do other things or little projects and the days just slip away. Beginning in February, we started planning away for the summer of us. We are going to value our weekend time together above anything else. It was exciting and fulfilling spending our time dreaming up all the things we'll do. This week we booked our very first ever family of four trip! We are not going to visit family, no one is having a baby or getting married, it is an obligation free us only trip! It is a trip only for enjoying theme parks and indoor pools, and trying new things and jumping on hotel beds. I. Cannot. Wait.

Two year olds!

Holy crap, I'm a bad blogger. I do believe that's the longest I've ever gone, sheesh!

The monkeys turned two and we had a Yo Gabba Gabba party on their birthday. The night before they spent the night with Grandma and Grampa so their procrastinator parents could get up and clean the house and do all the last minute things we needed to do before 30+ people could roll in after nap time.

After nap we woke them and said "it's time for your birthday!" They kept repeating "my birthday, my birthday party." It was precious.

We had chips and applesauce and cupcakes made by Grandma. The twins got a bunch of stuff, their favorite things being a trampoline and tricycles. Their were 13 small munchkins at their party and we did a craft together, but otherwise just played around.

Now I will bombard you with pictures . . . .



Last but not least would be my dear Hubby, dressed in his DJ Lance Rock costume.


He said after the party we could take that costume upstairs. And who would I get to be in this little fantasy? Foofa?

Source: google.com via Amy on Pinterest

Sexy! Not.

The day ended with two toddlers so exhausted and overwhelmed that we had meltdown after meltdown. Peanut cried all during bath time. It was kind of cute. Good thing we have another year before we do that again.

I can't believe I have two year olds! Tear!