Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Hot Mess

Infertility sucks big ones. I had some type of infertility medication in my body for two years straight, with the exception of a month or two break here and there. My biggest excitement second to having two healthy babies, was that I would birth them and be a healthy, normal person again.

The universe has had other plans for the last month.

I had been having stomach pains that come and go, but I wanted so badly to be a normal person who only goes to the doctor once a year so I tried my best to ignore them. Then, while on vacation, I had to go to the emergency room for gastritis. Having meds and being on a bland diet helped in one week.

My next weekend was good.

The weekend after that my back started spasming. Again, who cares, I work all day and hold two babies a lot and we rarely just sit around the house so it was probably just sore. But then I woke up on Sunday and literally could not stand. Pain pills, muscle relaxers, ice/heat and two trips to the Chiropractor later I felt better.

This last weekend (the weekend after the back incident) I got a canker sore, which I have never had before. I asked hubby if he brought me back some herpes from his business trip, but then he told me I'm a dummy, it's just a canker sore and what I should do. I swished baking soda and salt in my mouth a few times.

I woke up Sunday night and never slept. My entire face was on fire. My ears and throat hurt. I went to the dentist for the first time in over a decade (hey, don't judge, I didn't have dental insurance and I"m a cheapskate). My mouth was infected because my teeth are completely jacked!! On Friday I will be getting a root canal, crown and fillings. Yay. Let's please don't even discuss the cost of this. With insurance.

Oh, you haven't listened to enough whining? Here's some more:

1. I hate working. Not because I hate working, but because I can't be okay with leaving my babies. I thought it would get easier, and at first, honestly it was a relief because those first few months are BRUTAL. But now it sucks. I miss them more and more. Now that I spend most of my free time in the hospital or on pain pills, our time isn't as quality as I would like it to be.

2. Spending my day away from my babies makes me think too much and I become bitter betty. Bitter for all the money we had to spend making the babies. It's a stupid thing to even think about it, because without spending that money we wouldn't have them, so to think that if I didn't spend all that money I could be home with them is a waste. But it consumes me sometimes.

3. Guilt. Hubby was out golfing on Sunday and it was just me and the babes. I love those times, but sometimes I feel so guilty for being selfish and having two of them at once. I was feeding Ever and Ocean was sitting on the floor. He wanted me to hold him, but I can't hold one while feeding the other, not enough space and they are too wiggly now. He was crying and looking right in my eyes. It was a cry he does that is SO sad because his lower lip sticks out and he wails. I cried too because I felt like a bad, mean, shitty mommy who needs more arms and time to love my babies everytime they need it. I gave myself an F- for that moment and guilt consumed me.

Anywho, I left work early and headed off to Target to to fill yet another pain pill prescription and get an antibiotic for my yucky face infection. I bought the babies some things because I love to do it and I also bought a box of Oatmeal Pies to fuel my unhealthy habit of emotional binge eating.

I got in my car and as I was stuffing the fourth Little Debbie into my infected mouth and feeling sorry for myself Bob Marley came on the radio.

"Rise up this mornin', Smiled with the risin' sun, Three little birds Pitch by my doorstep Singin' sweet songs Of melodies pure and true, Sayin', (This is my message to you-ou-ou:) Singin': Don't worry 'bout a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right. Singin': Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing, 'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

And it made me smile a little bit and feel a little bit better. So I put the Little Debbies down.

I arrived home and was greeted by my two perfect, hilarious, sweet angels.


Things can't be that bad if it can all get cured by a Bob Marley song and two little Hugh Hefner look-alike's. After all, shit happens in threes so after my very expensive mouth fix on Friday I should be golden for awhile. I guess it's best to get it all over with in one month, so really, I'm lucky to just bang it out now. And I WILL be a healthy person someday, probably not normal, but it's all gonna balance and me and the babies are going to live it up!


  1. Sorry to hear about all of the health issues. When it rains it pours! I can totally relate to one baby crying and not being able to do a darn thing about it. I hope it gets easier with time!

    I am sure work is sucky. I am totally fearing going back to work. I cry at the thought of it. But like you guys, not working is not a possibility. I hope work gets better for you!

  2. Oh sweetie, I'm sorry that you've been so sick! I hope that the emotional stuff gets better once you start feeling better. Don't feel guilty about the decisions that you made, I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, even when it sucks. I'm hating my job now too, and similarly don't see any end in sight...damn IF and damn $. Good luck getting through this tough time...

  3. Wow... you've been through the ringer!! Time to cut Ashley a break, Universe.

  4. First of all thank you for the kind words you left on my blog earlier, it meant a lot:)
    Next...boo to all the jacked up mouth biz, definitely not cool. So sorry you're dealing with all that. I hear you on the bitter bettie, I feel the same way sometimes. I see all these crazy people at the hospital who have kids and I think really, why do we have to pay thousands and go through hell to have a child and yet these people have children without any problems...makes me SO mad some days! Will be thinking about you Friday and hoping everything goes smoothly!

  5. First, sorry about everything going wrong right now with you. Get well soon. Second, I totally have those moments of guilt too when one is crying while i care for the other *sigh*.

  6. I'm so sorry to hear about all the medical problems. Hoping you start to feel better soon!


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