Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Real Deal

This is about my relationship. Fair warning, it may be difficult to read if you are currently pregnant, but it's just reality.

While I was pregnant I read on a message board that parents of twins have a higher divorce rate. My pregnancy hormones took over and I was like "oh yeah right, that makes no sense. When you have to parent two babies at once you have to be even closer because it will most likely be tough. Besides, we are more in love than ever." Those are my thoughts from my mind at the time. Denial. Big denial.

As all relationships, especially ones that have lasted for awhile, there are ups and downs. Fighting and bliss. When we first got married it was a down. I wanted to move to North Carolina and we made plans. I looked at houses even. Then he chickened out and I was beyond angry with him. I did not want to marry him. On top of that, I didn't want to have a big wedding but he did so we went with it. I had icy cold feet about the whole thing. But several months after, things just calmed down. Then we figured out that I am reproductively challenged and we became closer than ever. After we found out I was pregnant, it was like a dream. We were in big time love, undescribable really. It was magical.

I had been warned that post-baby relationships can be tough, especially the first six weeks, but I didn't believe it. When we were in the hospital I was over the moon in love with hubby. He was amazing. After we got home, things didn't go so well. My natural mama kicked in but he was still learning, which lead me to nag his head off constantly, making him unhappy. He also supposedly doesn't hear the babies when they wake so I was severely sleep deprived while he slept, which made me angry. Also, kids are not cheap, so then there were possible money issues as we ventured into our new life. I didn't want to go to work, so there was resentment. Of course I must mention our personal life, in very little detail because my grandma reads this, but when you are sleep deprived and newly deformed that doesn't seem like any fun, ahem.

It all became a recipe for disaster. We went from ridiculously over the moon to just hanging on by a thread. Our big trip wasn't only for my sleep, but for an attempt at getting our marriage back. We still have over 17 years of kids in the household and we have to make it work better than it was working. I was incredibly shocked at how the babies could be the best thing that ever happened to us as individuals but how negatively it affected our relationship, especially after how long we had hoped to be a family.

Luckily, the trip was a success. Unfortunately, the trip also threw Ocean and Peanut off of the only semblance of a routine they actually had so we have been sleepless for over a week plus hubby had to travel for work only two days after we got back. So the fighting began once more. The good news is that the time we just took to talk and reconnect made the fighting short and a solution quicker than before so hopefully we can keep this up. We are also making a schedule for ourselves because the task of parenting, both working full time, keeping up the household and even taking care of ourselves (via cooking meals at home or working out) has been a lot more than we can handle. Also, hubby is a student AND travels once or twice a month so it has been tougher than we imagined. It looks like that vacation was more than just a breather, but just what we needed to be able to work through our issues.

Besides . . . vacations to the Caribbean are a lot more exciting than therapy!

Since I bit the bullet and showed you photos of me already, in a swimsuit no less, I will show you a couple photos of me with my monkeys from the weekend on our fun family outing.


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12 comments:

  1. My husband and I battle with the same issues. Everyone told us that parents to twins had a high divorce rate, but we already had two kids before twins, how much diffrent can two more babies be...right? Wrong! We are so sleep deprived, and on edge. It is impossible for us to find someone willing and able to watch ALL of our kids right now, so we are I'm major need of a break!

    That being said, we have learned over our 12 years together, that if we can't be friends, and have fun together and be open with one another, we will never make it.

    But it is still really hard.

    I feel for you guys. I'm so sorry. Hugs.

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  2. Bravo to you guys for working on it and realizing you needed the time! I hope everything works out well from here. I'm routing for you!

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  3. Cute photos and kids! My husband and I have one alost three year old and another one on the way. Even with just one kid we have had are fair shares of ups and downs so I do not want to imagine what it could be like with twins. Just hang in there and hopefully it gets better.

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  4. Been reading for a long time - I can't remember if I used to comment regularly or not. In any case, my twins are a couple months younger than yours, so I enjoy reading to see what's coming up in my life. I also tend to really identify with you and where you are in YOUR life. And I definitely identify with this. I think my husband does not feel there is anything wrong in our relationship, but he knows that I've had a lot of issues and a lot of emotional and hormonal mood swings. I feel like our marriage is as even-keeled as it is because I work really hard at it. I'm not sure he appreciates that. I know I could use a vacation, but recently we've done our best to give each other free days on the weekends to go ski or hang out with friends, and that has been a help.

    I'm really impressed that you guys were able to get away for so long and take that really precious time for yourselves, and I'm happy to read that it worked. I think I'd be terrified that it would backfire, and that we'd find ourselves alone together and realize we'd become different people. I wonder that a lot about us. You give me hope!

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  5. thank you for this post. Hubs and I have talked about how things are about to change, and it makes us both happy and sad. He and I are the best of buds, and our time together just being us will be different.

    My friend who is married with one child told me that you learn to love your spouse differently--not bad different--but differently.

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  6. I have honestly been thinking about and worrying about our relationship since we found out I was pregnant. I have a tendency to nag anyways when hubby isn't doing something the way I would and I know this is going to be an even bigger issues once baby is here. We'll be on edge, I'll be overprotective and never think he's doing it as well as I could. I am already working on it and trying to keep in mind that this is MY issue and I need to let things go.

    Thanks for this post! I'm sure I'll be seeking advice over the next year. Good for you guys for taking the time for yourselves.

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  7. You are looking super cute by the way!

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  8. I'm sorry to hear that things have been rough. Even though I don't have two babies I can understand what is going on. And honestly things have been a lot better for us by simply being able to sleep more so I know that is a huge factor. The other day when you wrote about the babies' sleep issues I hesitated to comment. I felt bad sticking my opinions in your face. But now that I've read this I think you would really benefit from doing some form of sleep training whether it is CIO or modified CIO or whatever. I totally get that you hate to hear your babies cry but after a few nights I really think it will benefit all of you. I have friends who didn't do it early and now their 3 or 4 year olds still sleep in their beds and then no one really gets very good sleep. I think you and your hubby will really benefit from getting decent sleep! Or even get someone to do CIO for you! My mom did it for her sister-in-law and she couldn't thank my mom enough! Good luck! I hope all four of you are sleeping better soon!!

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  9. Thanks so much for the post and the honesty! I guess I have been figuring that if we could survive infertility, we could definitely handle parenthood...but I'm pretty sure I'm being naive. DH has already made comments regarding sleep that concern me a bit. Thankfully we have a counseling appointment this evening and I will definitely be bringing these things up :). Thanks for your dose of reality! I needed it!

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  10. I'm so sorry things are not the same as before. As the kids grow, they will gain more independence and the parenting roles change somewhat. That helps Dads get more involved. Many men just don't jump in and feel comfortable with infants. I was lucky, mine just followed my lead. I had 15 years of baby experience in day care before the twins were born so he felt comfortable watching and copying me.

    We were also married for 10 years before the twins came. We dated for 11 years prior to getting married, too. We've been together almost as long as you have been alive! Our first date was in 1984!

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  11. I'm so glad that things have started to get better...and thanks for your honest post. I'm under no delusions that having a newborn is going to be easy, either in general or on our relationship. We definitely have had some tough times over the course of our marriage, so I know we'll get through it...but I also know, it probably won't be fun at the time. ;-)

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  12. I love this post. NOT that you are having problems, but your honesty. I'm glad to read that the time you took to reconnect is working out. At least I know that when hubby and I are snapping at each other, we are just going through the same as others out there. It truly can take a toll on a relationship.

    Also, I think you look wonderful! Your vacation pics have me jealous: 1- because of the actual vacation and sleep and 2- your body :)

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