Bitter and jealous. Throw in some angry too. And of course, weary. Let me preface this post by saying how fortunate I am to be pregnant now. Everyday I look at pictures of my babies and hope that I get to meet them both someday. I am so grateful and am becoming more and more comfortable and excited for out future.
But . . . . nearly 8 weeks of pregnancy has not cured my infertility mental mess. In the course of two and a half years of trying it is inevitable that you will have to deal with people being pregnant or announcing their joyous news while you suffer. Most of the people in my life who have done that don't mean enough to for me to do anything but cry for a day and then ignore them for life. There was one that hit particularly hard. And by hard I mean I tried to be a big girl and take a shower and shake it off. Once I was in the shower the tears started. I got out of the shower but didn't have the will to get dressed, or even put lotion on. I laid in my bed for two days crying randomly, still naked and wishing everytime I feel asleep that I wouldn't wake up again so I could start fresh in a new and better life.
Many months later that devastating news has led to a baby that was born. I've tried to be happy because I knew it was coming. I've bought gifts for the baby and have tried to feel excitement over this. But when the actual birth news came, I was furiously angry. And then deeply sad and desperate feeling. I cried again just like I did when I found out the baby was a possibility. I want to be happy and mature and move on, because hopefully I will be having two beautiful babies of my own in May. But everytime I think of the baby, everytime I ever look at that baby, I think of wishing I was dead. When I look at photos of the sweet, innocent, newborn, all I see is hopelessness. What kind of freak looks at a newborn and thinks of hopelessness?
The kind of freak who had 11 failed treatments. The kind of freak that used to dream of a big family but knows unless they win the lottery it's not an option. The kind of freak that had to choose everyday for the last year what time they would roam the hallways at work so that they wouldn't run into all the pregnant employees in the building. The kind of freak who tried to be positive 29 times and think of names and pick out baby furniture only to feel like a worthless ass at the end. The kind of freak that gets a positive pregnancy test but can only be happy for about 48 hours because after years of joylessness it feels wrong to be totally and completely happy. The kind of freak that stays awake at night worrying more than ever because they finally have something to lose besides sanity and loads of money.
I thought I would be cured. I feel disappointed in myself, but know I can't do anything about it. All I can do is look at my ultrasound pictures and hope that I feel true joy of my own soon.
Countdown: Along with being reproductively challenged, I am mathetically challenged. I realized the 14th of October was 3 weeks from our last ultrasound and promptly booked a new appointment for the 7th! So after a little scare we're back on . . . 1 week and 2 days until I get to see my babies again!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Switched Embryos
Okay, so we all know about the couple who are about to give birth to someone else's kid because their office trasferred the wrong embryo. I think these people are saints for continuing with pregnancy knowing that they would have to give it up at the end. I also think they need to sue the shit out of their clinic.
I've seen a blog post or two about how this is another bad example for infertility treatments and it's patients, like us. And it is a bad example of the doctor's who perform these treatments. And it portrays assisted reproductive technologies as some kind of freaky baby making science and it weirds the public in general out.
BUT . . . . it kind of is weird if you think about it. Most people get pregnant from having sex, just like we learned about in health class. That is normal. When I thought I was a normal person, I thought IVF was weird too. But I really wanted a baby and it was my only option, which I'm so glad I did it, so I learned about IVF, went through the stages of grief and went for it. I had to learn about it and become comfortable with it. This is a normal human experience - to be trepidatious about something, learn more about it and accept it.
People are right when they say these stories don't help. I know that telling people about your personal infertility issues is your own choice, but many women don't share this experience. Or they get online and use fake names because they don't want people to know what they're going through. BUT . . . you can't be mad at people for not understanding if normal, everday people who struggle with this hide it and don't share. Like I said, this is a personal choice and do what you must, but don't keep it from everyone and then whine and bitch that no one understands you. You're not helping anyone understand you, so why would they? When I hear and/or read things like "nobody understands," "I feel so alone," and blah blah blah from people who don't help people understand, all I can think is DUH!!! Unless your family and friends are Miss Cleo the psychic in the want ads, why would they support you if they don't know you need it? So as long as the only examples people have in the media is a bunch of freak shows, then that is what they'll think, and you can't complain if you're unwilling to do something to change it. I may feel this way because I am a "do" type person. If I don't like something, I try my best to change it. For example, I don't believe that you deserve to cover your car in pro-life anti-abortion stickers if you're not a foster or adoptive parent. If you're not doing anything to help children who are already alive and suffering from being brought into this world by people who have no right to have children and abuse, neglect, and abandon them, you don't really have the right to stand outside Planned Parent with black tape on your mouth. But that would be too much too ask! It's easy to bitch about something if you don't really have to do anything to change it besides putting guilt trip bumper stickers on your car. I consider this lame, lazy and hypocritical.
Speaking of freak shows, the arch nemesis of infertility poster children, Nadya Suleman. Most of us are extremely angry at her for this sad portrayal of crazy. She is the face of infertility treatments, which is embarassing and furthers the misunderstanding of why people use IVF. Her and Douchebag and Kate plus 8. So, here we are, going through this heartbreaking infertility journey, watching some nut job have 14 children through IVF, and 8 at a time at once. Bad example. We should all learn something from this and be good examples, of normal people who just want to be mommy's and daddy's but have a medical issue, right? WRONG!! I am part of a support community and I will say that there are women on there frequently who are still transferring 3-6 embryos at a time. What the hell? So these women and their doctor's are continuing the freak show practices that lead to freak shows that are embarassing to the rest of us who just want a normal life!!! The same infertiles that we are wanting people to understand are the same people who are doing the same dumb shit to make us all look like crazy people! I don't get it.
In a nice world, no one would go through infertility. This has been the shittiest part of my life. But, I am so grateful to have learned what I have. My husband was on board the whole time and has been (mostly) nothing but amazing. My friends and family have wowed me with their ability to show support. I have met so many other amazing, strong and resilient women who are struggling through this like I am with amazing attitudes who have been such an inspiration to me. I have also felt the sting of being open about our journey through stupid comments and going through treatments that have failed, but having to eventually hold my head up again. I've written my senator and my state representative to try my best to help me and other infertiles out. I have sent letters and emails to friends and family and they have shared in my tears and joys. I am proud to be someone who would NEVER accuse someone of being insensitive and not understanding if I don't take the time to teach someone something they've never had to learn before.
BUT, I've also encountered some freak shows. So lessons of the day are: don't be a freak show and don't whine about shit that you don't take any action to change. It's boring.
COUNTDOWN: 1 week and 5 days until I can make sure my babies are still healthy!
I've seen a blog post or two about how this is another bad example for infertility treatments and it's patients, like us. And it is a bad example of the doctor's who perform these treatments. And it portrays assisted reproductive technologies as some kind of freaky baby making science and it weirds the public in general out.
BUT . . . . it kind of is weird if you think about it. Most people get pregnant from having sex, just like we learned about in health class. That is normal. When I thought I was a normal person, I thought IVF was weird too. But I really wanted a baby and it was my only option, which I'm so glad I did it, so I learned about IVF, went through the stages of grief and went for it. I had to learn about it and become comfortable with it. This is a normal human experience - to be trepidatious about something, learn more about it and accept it.
People are right when they say these stories don't help. I know that telling people about your personal infertility issues is your own choice, but many women don't share this experience. Or they get online and use fake names because they don't want people to know what they're going through. BUT . . . you can't be mad at people for not understanding if normal, everday people who struggle with this hide it and don't share. Like I said, this is a personal choice and do what you must, but don't keep it from everyone and then whine and bitch that no one understands you. You're not helping anyone understand you, so why would they? When I hear and/or read things like "nobody understands," "I feel so alone," and blah blah blah from people who don't help people understand, all I can think is DUH!!! Unless your family and friends are Miss Cleo the psychic in the want ads, why would they support you if they don't know you need it? So as long as the only examples people have in the media is a bunch of freak shows, then that is what they'll think, and you can't complain if you're unwilling to do something to change it. I may feel this way because I am a "do" type person. If I don't like something, I try my best to change it. For example, I don't believe that you deserve to cover your car in pro-life anti-abortion stickers if you're not a foster or adoptive parent. If you're not doing anything to help children who are already alive and suffering from being brought into this world by people who have no right to have children and abuse, neglect, and abandon them, you don't really have the right to stand outside Planned Parent with black tape on your mouth. But that would be too much too ask! It's easy to bitch about something if you don't really have to do anything to change it besides putting guilt trip bumper stickers on your car. I consider this lame, lazy and hypocritical.
Speaking of freak shows, the arch nemesis of infertility poster children, Nadya Suleman. Most of us are extremely angry at her for this sad portrayal of crazy. She is the face of infertility treatments, which is embarassing and furthers the misunderstanding of why people use IVF. Her and Douchebag and Kate plus 8. So, here we are, going through this heartbreaking infertility journey, watching some nut job have 14 children through IVF, and 8 at a time at once. Bad example. We should all learn something from this and be good examples, of normal people who just want to be mommy's and daddy's but have a medical issue, right? WRONG!! I am part of a support community and I will say that there are women on there frequently who are still transferring 3-6 embryos at a time. What the hell? So these women and their doctor's are continuing the freak show practices that lead to freak shows that are embarassing to the rest of us who just want a normal life!!! The same infertiles that we are wanting people to understand are the same people who are doing the same dumb shit to make us all look like crazy people! I don't get it.
In a nice world, no one would go through infertility. This has been the shittiest part of my life. But, I am so grateful to have learned what I have. My husband was on board the whole time and has been (mostly) nothing but amazing. My friends and family have wowed me with their ability to show support. I have met so many other amazing, strong and resilient women who are struggling through this like I am with amazing attitudes who have been such an inspiration to me. I have also felt the sting of being open about our journey through stupid comments and going through treatments that have failed, but having to eventually hold my head up again. I've written my senator and my state representative to try my best to help me and other infertiles out. I have sent letters and emails to friends and family and they have shared in my tears and joys. I am proud to be someone who would NEVER accuse someone of being insensitive and not understanding if I don't take the time to teach someone something they've never had to learn before.
BUT, I've also encountered some freak shows. So lessons of the day are: don't be a freak show and don't whine about shit that you don't take any action to change. It's boring.
COUNTDOWN: 1 week and 5 days until I can make sure my babies are still healthy!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
My First Major Hormonal Meltdown
Actually the first was when I was taking Lupron. Hubby was about to go on a business trip when I threw his suitcase out on the front lawn and was yelling things I won't repeat . . . . Yep, that was the first. Embarassing, but we can laugh about it now. Although who I know can really laugh about it is our fabulous "neighborhood watch" neighbor whom I'm sure was pleased as punch to watch hubby's luggage fly out onto the lawn. Nosy knob.
I'm trying to take this nausea and stomach upset like a man, but it is more intense than I ever could have imagined. I've only missed two hours of work once because of it. I was feeling okay last night and hubby was in class. On our way to Jason's Deli (kids eat free wednesday night by the way), I started feeling terrible. Also, GQ has diarehha of the mouth and NEVER stops talking to a point where he gives me headaches and makes me a little more nauseous. We get there and I tried to eat thinking I had just gone too long but it was bad. I had to put the kids in the car and then sit on the curb to wait for puke. I finally got in the car and then didn't even get a mile before I pulled over because I couldn't drive. I called hubby while in class.
He came storming home. Major incoming shitstorm. I just avoided him for a little bit. He has a full time job, goes to school, and has his own business. This would make anyone crazy with stress, let alone someone with two foster kids and a psychotic wife. He says that he is quitting school and not doing his business anymore. This caused me to bawl so hard, it was worse than a little baby tantrum. I said lots of whiny things like "you're making me feel bad" and "you're mad at me." Inconsolable bawling!!I figured out that he is nervous about twins. Even though I have been freaking out (and still am) about something going wrong, the RE told us we had a 60% chance of having twins with this round, so we had a higher chance than a singleton so I wasn't totally shocked and I was secretly hoping this would be the case. I'm still so excited, but last night when he was having a meltdown and I was blubbering like a baby, he said that in 4 months I won't even be able to walk anyway so he has to be home. Then I really started bawling. I won't even tell you some of the other things I said, too embarassing. Okay maybe one, the one I think everyone thinks about secretly "you won't love me anymore when we have babies." I know, sad and embarassing.
Hubby takes his role as a provider very seriously and I see that he is stressed out. I wish I could do something for him but most days all I do is tolerate my work hours and then come home to lay around like a dead fish. And now for some reason I have costochondritis, where my rib cartiledge on one side is inflamed and it hurts to breath, hiccup, laugh, you name it. The best thing for it is an anti-inflammatory and I can't have that. So more rest it is. Poor guy, I'm so worthless these days. I'll make it up to him someday, most likely by painfully squeezing two children out of my vagina while he watches (although I can't wait for that amazing day).
I remember witnessing my friend and her DH fight in early pregnancy once. I thought it was so hilarious. Her DH kept turning around and saying "are you hearing this? She's insane!" We got to a restaurant and she went to the bathroom and I told him he needs to be nicer to her, although I also told him she was being super annoying. When he went to the bathroom I told her she was a little crazy and she needed to calm down, maybe she needs to take more time to pamper herself. Later we went to get pampered and she freaked out again and I almost had to beat her ass. We can now also laugh about that incident.
Karma.
Countdown: 1 week and 6 days until the next ultrasound to appease my crazy mind.
I'm trying to take this nausea and stomach upset like a man, but it is more intense than I ever could have imagined. I've only missed two hours of work once because of it. I was feeling okay last night and hubby was in class. On our way to Jason's Deli (kids eat free wednesday night by the way), I started feeling terrible. Also, GQ has diarehha of the mouth and NEVER stops talking to a point where he gives me headaches and makes me a little more nauseous. We get there and I tried to eat thinking I had just gone too long but it was bad. I had to put the kids in the car and then sit on the curb to wait for puke. I finally got in the car and then didn't even get a mile before I pulled over because I couldn't drive. I called hubby while in class.
He came storming home. Major incoming shitstorm. I just avoided him for a little bit. He has a full time job, goes to school, and has his own business. This would make anyone crazy with stress, let alone someone with two foster kids and a psychotic wife. He says that he is quitting school and not doing his business anymore. This caused me to bawl so hard, it was worse than a little baby tantrum. I said lots of whiny things like "you're making me feel bad" and "you're mad at me." Inconsolable bawling!!I figured out that he is nervous about twins. Even though I have been freaking out (and still am) about something going wrong, the RE told us we had a 60% chance of having twins with this round, so we had a higher chance than a singleton so I wasn't totally shocked and I was secretly hoping this would be the case. I'm still so excited, but last night when he was having a meltdown and I was blubbering like a baby, he said that in 4 months I won't even be able to walk anyway so he has to be home. Then I really started bawling. I won't even tell you some of the other things I said, too embarassing. Okay maybe one, the one I think everyone thinks about secretly "you won't love me anymore when we have babies." I know, sad and embarassing.
Hubby takes his role as a provider very seriously and I see that he is stressed out. I wish I could do something for him but most days all I do is tolerate my work hours and then come home to lay around like a dead fish. And now for some reason I have costochondritis, where my rib cartiledge on one side is inflamed and it hurts to breath, hiccup, laugh, you name it. The best thing for it is an anti-inflammatory and I can't have that. So more rest it is. Poor guy, I'm so worthless these days. I'll make it up to him someday, most likely by painfully squeezing two children out of my vagina while he watches (although I can't wait for that amazing day).
I remember witnessing my friend and her DH fight in early pregnancy once. I thought it was so hilarious. Her DH kept turning around and saying "are you hearing this? She's insane!" We got to a restaurant and she went to the bathroom and I told him he needs to be nicer to her, although I also told him she was being super annoying. When he went to the bathroom I told her she was a little crazy and she needed to calm down, maybe she needs to take more time to pamper herself. Later we went to get pampered and she freaked out again and I almost had to beat her ass. We can now also laugh about that incident.
Karma.
Countdown: 1 week and 6 days until the next ultrasound to appease my crazy mind.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Double Trouble
Dear Babies,
Yes, I said babies, plural!! After our IVF Coordinator called to say we couldn't have our appointment tomorrow, we got lucky and got to come in today because I knew I couldn't make it until Thursday. I have been so worried about you, although you've been causing trouble! Just a month ago we saw you when you were little cells, just hoping you would snuggle in for the long haul.
You are the most amazing things I've ever laid my eyes on. Seeing your perfectly shaped sacks, good development, and hearing your loud and strong heart beats was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Of course Daddy saw you as well. No one could wipe the grins off of our faces if they tried.
Here you are Twin A and Twin B:
Everyone was over the moon to hear about you two! Every tear I've cried for the last two and half years has been worth it seeing you today. Every night I have stayed up wondering where you are and everyday that I couldn't get out of bed has been worth the wait. I actually wouldn't trade it for anything because it has made it all the more special that you are here now after all this time and hardship.
Yes, I said babies, plural!! After our IVF Coordinator called to say we couldn't have our appointment tomorrow, we got lucky and got to come in today because I knew I couldn't make it until Thursday. I have been so worried about you, although you've been causing trouble! Just a month ago we saw you when you were little cells, just hoping you would snuggle in for the long haul.
You are the most amazing things I've ever laid my eyes on. Seeing your perfectly shaped sacks, good development, and hearing your loud and strong heart beats was the best thing that's ever happened to me. Of course Daddy saw you as well. No one could wipe the grins off of our faces if they tried.
Here you are Twin A and Twin B:
Everyone was over the moon to hear about you two! Every tear I've cried for the last two and half years has been worth it seeing you today. Every night I have stayed up wondering where you are and everyday that I couldn't get out of bed has been worth the wait. I actually wouldn't trade it for anything because it has made it all the more special that you are here now after all this time and hardship.
We love you and can't wait to see you again in 2 weeks! Please keep growing strong and healthy and stay in your home until May 13th!
Love,
Mommy and Daddy
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Hi, My Name Is Psychotic Hypochondriac
This last week has been a little bananas. I have been completely paranoid for the ultrasound (only 3 days left, thank goodness!!!). I want to get totally excited, but I am too worried. I know that I can't keep myself from getting my heartbroken if the ultrasound doesn't go well, but it's really hard to believe that we were successful. I haven't had a single bit of spotting and yesterday I was sick all day. ALL day. Not in the morning, or just at night, all night, all day and all morning. I felt terrible, I threw up, but it was so satisfying because it reminded me that something is really going on in my body. Twisted, right?
Earlier in the week, because I can't grasp the concept that I am actually pregnant, I was convinced I had the flu. I took my temp over and over again, and it remained normal. My allergies were out of control, but I thought it was possible that maybe I had some other disease. I have run to the bathroom over and over again because my cramping has been pretty hardcore. So I dragged myself to the doctor. My blood pressure was higher than normal, but probably because of my panic. I do not have the flu of any sort. Shortness of breath, rapid heart beat, stomach upset, and headaches are all apparently normal in pregnancy. I felt like a jackass, although I could tell the doctor felt sorry for me (she dealt with my infertility depression quite a bit and made a world of difference). I took my check out sheet and left. Reading the sheet was kind if comical as there were three things checked off:
Earlier in the week, because I can't grasp the concept that I am actually pregnant, I was convinced I had the flu. I took my temp over and over again, and it remained normal. My allergies were out of control, but I thought it was possible that maybe I had some other disease. I have run to the bathroom over and over again because my cramping has been pretty hardcore. So I dragged myself to the doctor. My blood pressure was higher than normal, but probably because of my panic. I do not have the flu of any sort. Shortness of breath, rapid heart beat, stomach upset, and headaches are all apparently normal in pregnancy. I felt like a jackass, although I could tell the doctor felt sorry for me (she dealt with my infertility depression quite a bit and made a world of difference). I took my check out sheet and left. Reading the sheet was kind if comical as there were three things checked off:
- Allergies
- Anxiety disorder
- Pregnancy
Quite the combo! I tried to do my best to be calm and relax, but unfortunately I have a job. A job which doesn't particularly excite me these days. I never seem to be able to hire anyone who actually desires to work. They like to get paid, but not necessarily try to impress anyone or go above and beyond. My day can't be stress free ever because I feel like if I don't tell everyone exactly what to do, only the bare minimum gets done. Which means I get extra work. I get to do my job, and their job too. Or I get to worry about what they are lying and scheming about all day. Or they don't even bother to show up to work or show up on time, at the very least. And I work with kids and it's flu season, which is extra awesome, to add to my paranoia.
Out of nervousnes, my pee stick collection has grown quite a bit!! I hope old pee doesn't mold or anything because I am keeping these pee sticks for life! :)
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