Back at the ER

We have decided that our favorite place to go is the ER, since we have been there about once a month since October. First Ever got croup that was misdiagnosed as an enlarged heart at a walk-in clinic (for the love of God!!), then we realized that Ever is allergic to tree nuts, and then it was Ocean's turn this past week.

Wednesday evening I picked him up from daycare and he was snotty, but okay. The weather was gorgeous so we went on a walk and played at the park and looked at the ducky's on the pond. We always see the ducks from the Jeep, so they were both grinning ear to ear looking at them up close and hearing them talk. Then we looked at the moon, which Ever loves to do nightly, then went home. We ate dinner and he started getting a little whiney. I took his temp and it was 101 so I gave him some meds. I went upstairs to get their stuff and came down and then was doing stuff in the kitchen. 45 minutes from the temp and meds before, he was trying to stay awake but he couldn't. His lips were totally dried out and his cheeks were flushed and cracked. I took his temp again and it was up to 104.5.

Like any great mother, I panicked.

I put his coat on and Ever's coat. I told Ever we had to hurry, hurry, hurry. I put Ocean in his car seat. He couldn't keep his eyes open and he was crying and crying. Ever came running out of the house with my cell yelling "Mommy, you phone, you phone!" I swear, that little girl knocks my socks off sometimes with how smart and observant she is. I grabbed her and the diaper bag and didn't even turn off lights or lock the door and we hauled ass to the ER, which luckily is only two minutes from our house.

I always wonder why they call the emergency room the emergency room. It should be called the "you-better-hope-you-don't-actually-have-an-emergency-or-you're-going-to-die-soon" room. After waiting awhile and watching my son slip in and out of awakeness and moaning and crying, I asked them how long it would be. She said they were busy, although I didn't see a nurse doing a damn thing. I won't repeat what I responded with, but we were called back shortly after that. Hubby was in class so I was on my own, but he arrived right as we were put in a room.

It breaks a mama's heart to see your baby get an IV, blood drawn, swabbed in the nose and throat and a bag put on his little wee wee for a urine sample. I hated it. Ever was such a good girl through the whole thing, I was very proud of her. We didn't have any answers yet and they were thinking of keeping him overnight. It was 10:30 and Ever was starting to lose it so I took her home for jammies and night night and my mom met us there.

When I left at 10:30 Ocean was still in bad shape. When I arrived at midnight, he was alert, happy and throwing graham crackers all over the room. I was so relieved. The fluids and ibuprofen made a big difference, then they put a full bag of antibiotics in his IV. He was watching Yo Gabba Gabba on the iPad so I walked over to hug, smooch, and snuggle Hubby. Ocean put down the iPad and looked at us and said "scuze me." Ha! I guess we were only supposed to be paying attention to him.

Anywho, they found some pre-mature strain of something in his blood stream and they weren't sure if it was a virus or bacteria, but they wiped it out good. We got home at 1:30 a.m. and snuggled in bed watching Madagascar 2. He slept so good and all night. We didn't get up until 8:45 the next day and then pediatrician cleared him.

I've been trying to tell the kids if they stop going to the ER we could really do some fun things. For the $150 ER co-pay we could spend the night at Great Wolf Lodge, get a year long pass to our fave place, the Children's Edutainment Center or even a year long pass to the zoo. But if they would prefer to continue going to ER to get stuck full of needles, I guess that's what we'll be doing!

Yee haw, ride the kitty!

Firm Friday

Starting weight: 158

Current weight: 157.3

Lbs lost: .7 (Gain from last week!! I gained 1.1 pounds, ouch)

Lbs to go: 17.3

I achieved my workout goal and did one 5 mile run plus 32 lunges and two other workouts consisting of a 30 minute elliptical and core.

I tanked miserably in the eating department. On Sunday I had ice cream TWICE! Once at a froyo place and then once with cake for a birthday. Monday I ate like poo. Tuesday and Wednesday I did pretty well. Yesterday I ate like crap, tons of carbs. I was home all day with a sick boo and I baked a cake and banana bread so that was dumb. The only thing I have done okay at is breakfast, switching from whatever the kids are having to green tea and Grape Nuts. Otherwise, I suck and that is probably why I gained. I bought a cleanse through a homeopathic place and I need to do it because it will make a big impact and that always helps with the sugar cravings. The downside is I will be grouchy as hell and I probably won't feel well the first few days. I am planning on the last week in February because my birthday is in a few weeks and also I have work stuff that will not time well with me being grouchy and sick.

Good news: My butt is not actually smaller by any means, but it is lifted up a touch, probably thanks to running and lunges. I am supposed to be running 7 miles this weekend, but I think I will have to 5 mile it for one more weekend.

My goals this week are to eat better (this is proving to be much harder than I thought) and do a 5 mile run and two workouts. I would really love to do one additional workout, maybe some Gillian Michaels for 30 minutes, but we will see how it goes.

Source: motivationmodeon.tumblr.com via Courtney on Pinterest

WHAT? It's so fun to complain about how I'm fat while eating strawberry cake with extra frosting. For serious. I can't imagine a life without desserts, but I can imagine a life without my love handles.

Nap Time and Surgery Update

Nap time, AKA Hell.

During the week my kids attend daycare while I go to work. I have picked them up twice during naptime and they are sleeping peacefully like little angels. I have never had any report that it is any different in the going to sleep department either.

Not at home on the weekends. On stay at home days, we rock in the rocking chair and we read 2-4 stories and they have a bottle (I know, I know, they're almost two, I'm a wuss). We go upstairs and I tuck them in, give them smoochies and tell them I will see them in awhile.

It is not long until I hear

A. Jumping
B. Banging
C. Laughing
D. Crying
E. All of the above

I try to ignore it to the best of my abilities. Both of the children at separate times have busted their faces on something while jumping on the bed. One glorious time my children both took off their diapers and were naked when I came to check because after an hour of their wild behavior silence usually equals sleep, but I like to check just in case. In this case it equalled two stunned toddlers who had crapped in their beds. Yay! Not.

We have tried crying it out. I admit I don't have the stomach for this, especially when it gets to the high pitched shrill and there is snot and swollen faces, ugh. I hate that. I let them cry for a little while, but my wussiness settles in and I usually go lay in the cribs with them.

The other Saturday we had a super lazy day and the twins knew both mommy AND daddy were downstairs so they were really having a party. Hubby went upstairs and swaddled them.

They were pissed. Also, I'm sure swaddling almost two years olds is not recommended.

Finally, we covered their window with a blanket and TA DA! It helped a bunch. I don't know how daycare does it, but I'm grateful they do. The blanket is still over the window, by the way. It looks bad and I need to find an alternative.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I went to the OB's office for my surgery follow up last Wednesday. The OB's office for an infertile person is actually lower than the level of hell that nap time is in by a long shot. It sucks. And OB's suck because they are always happy because they are surrounded by women in the best time of their lives even though they are giving you bad news. And you want to slap the damn smile right off their face, but then you don't because you've been arrested once and do not wish to repeat (ahem).

I was told when I woke up that they found endometriosis. While I was not happy to have yet another reproductive problem, I was happy that this was one they could fix! They could just burn it off, that's what they said. I was pretty happy to know that something was checked off my list.

Psych! Just kidding. It turns out in fact that it is not checked off my list, nor will it be.

The endometriosis was not extensive, so that's good. Unfortunately it is growing on my tubes where they cannot remove it. Also, where it is growing can get into the tubes and cause ectopic pregnancies. They checked and the tubes are currently open and unblocked so that is good. There could be less now than there was before due to the Lupron I was on for my big fat failure of an FET or it could just be starting. So basically my body could be a ticking time bomb.

I was feeling good after the surgery. I tried the FET and the surgery and I felt like I gave it my best shot for awhile and that felt really great. But to be kicked in the stomach again!?!?!? Having PCOS by itself isn't such a huge problem, women get pregnant with it all the time using Clomid or IUI's or nothing at all. Now I have a bad ovary and non-removable, possibly tube blocking endometriosis. I wanted to find something and fix it, but we have found more things that we can't fix.

I am so depressed. Really, I randomly burst into tears. I am 27. I should be bangin' babies out left and right. I have always, always, always wanted lots of babies. I am trying so hard to be grateful for the babies I do have and I am, but after they go to bed or before they wake up or anytime my mind is idle I just want to cry and cry and cry. Secondary infertility is such a lonely place because no one really cares or understand, even less than people did before. I read a great blog post recently that really described the emotions. Click here to check it out if you want.

So that's the deal. Not sure where to go from here. Give up? I don't know.

Fit Friday

Starting weight: 158

Current weight: 156.2

Lbs lost: 1.8

Lbs to go: 16.2

Since my starting weight, I did have surgery, which put a little chink in my getting back in shape. I have increased my working out from not a damn thing to these in the last three weeks:

2 runs outdoors for 5 miles +32 lunges

2 30 minute elliptical session + abs

1 random workout of jumping jacks, push ups, burpees and planks

That's it! I need to step it up guys. I got up twice at 5:30 a.m. and worked out and I was so proud of myself. I do my long runs on weekends and Hubby hangs with the twins. My alarm goes off every morning at 5:30 to work out and I am so far 2 for 10 on that, ha!

Biggest setback: First was my surgery, obviously. Second was an emotional disruption that led to foul eating. I learned my lesson this week, DO NOT EVER TELL THE UNIVERSE TO BRING IT ON! It's been brought and I am waving my white flag! Mercy, please, I can't take much more yo! I apologize. Are we okay now? I'm sorry Universe. Can I have a break?!?!?! Anyway . . . . my emotional problem led to the eating of 4 donuts and 4 oatmeal pies. Yeah, the fact that I didn't gain 5 lbs is a small miracle. The fact that I weighed .2 lbs less the day after this binge and hubby gave me a high five for finding success on the oatmeal pie diet makes me laugh! But it's still bad and I clearly need to find a better way to deal with my emotions (that statement was the duh of the century, wasn't it?).

Best part: Although I am not just shedding weight like gangbusters, I feel like I must be toning up a little because my fat pants are now so baggy that I can wear them like sweats instead of jeans, no need for using the button or zipper!

My main goal is to do my run this weekend, workout twice during the week, and be a much better eater. How did you do this week?

Source: imgfave.com via Ashley on Pinterest

Why I Love Hubby

After a party recently, Hubby admitted that he just doesn't know what to talk to other guys about. He loves his job and he loves working. He loves his kids and he wants more. He doesn't watch or care about sports. He doesn't hunt and he isn't into cars.

The sports thing is obviously the toughest because seriously, all guys we know love sports. Even the hipster guys who wear fake glasses and skinny jeans watch football on Sunday. Hubby never knows what they are talking about, but I love that he doesn't do it just because everyone else does. I know a lot of people genuinely like to watch sports and that is fine, but I love that hubby doesn't. He stays true to himself. That, of course, is beneficial to me because I never pictured myself as the wife who throw's on a team shirt and watches sports with the hubs all weekend or chooses to just do things without the hubs and I am so thankful I don't have to. I know that's such a small thing, but I love it!

We love to do family things. We love to get out of the house and go explore something, not sit in front of the TV. Last night I found Hubby sitting in the play room on a tiny chair, with a cowboy hat on, eating plastic vegetables in the play kitchen. I know it's cheesy, but it is the sweetest thing to see that stuff. He has always been a great dad and loves his daddy role, but he really sucked balls at the middle of the night stuff in newborn-land and that made me really unhappy with him. We got back to a good place and decided his punishment is lifelong dish duty. JACKPOT!!!! He always tells me thank you for doing stuff around the house, even though he shouldn't, but he does. Even though vacuuming is part of life and someone has to do it, I appreciate that he appreciate's the effort (I am so lazy it is unbelievable, I don't know how he puts up with me).

Another great thing about Hubby? He knows all about the Bachelor. Here is our conversation while bathing babies the other night:

Hubby: Did you see Emily, that chick that Brad picked, is going to be the next Bachelor?

Me: Bachelorette you mean, and yes I saw that. I know lots of people like her, but I really don't. I think she's a liar kind of.

Hubby: Oh, I know she's a liar. I know it!

Hahahaha! Only a real man can talk Bachelor.

Marriage is no joke. It's hard. And it's long. And you have to compromise a lot and I don't like that. But it's also pretty good. I feel like I am rather lucky in the hubby department! I know there are much bigger things, like the fact that he works a full time job, side jobs and goes to school to better our lives, the fact that he makes me laugh, he is a very strong emotional partner, I can trust him, etc, but those little things really do add up and make a big impact on us too and I don't want to forget them.

Another good thing about hubby, he fits in a box!

My girl has some sweet style . . . .

Yes, she is wearing flannel footie jammies and a pair of shorts over that she put on herself while pushing her baby in the stroller!