So Inappropriate

My big kid babies are now sleeping in toddler beds! The transition was super easy. Nap time on the weekends are hell, but other than that they have been very good. They stay in their beds and sleep all night. We had a brief episode of them falling out and that was the worst thing, but other than that, easy peasy!

The other night we put them in bed at their usual 9:00 p.m. bedtime. Hubby puts them to bed because I'm tired and grumpy every night and they like someone to lay on the floor for awhile and sing songs with them. Once Hubby was done, he ran into the room, disrobed himself and jumped in bed smiling for you. know. what. I told him not before 10:00 p.m., I am busy watching Private Practice. So he rolled over and fell asleep.

I thought I heard some commotion around 9:25, then at 9:30 two sleepy eyed monkey's walked out of their room and into ours. Peanut did a big smile and said "I wake up now!" I know everyone says this, but my kids are SO cute. Melt your heart, do anything they say, adorable. Irresistible. What would a good parent say? They would say "it's bedtime, go back to bed." What does this mama say? I swooped them both up and gave them hugs and kisses and said "why don't you just hang out with mommy for a little bit?"

They leaned back on the pillows and smiled. We starting watching Private Practice. They found this very boring.

"Peanut, you ready to go back to bed?"

"No Mommy, I just hanging out okay?"

"You can hang out for five more minutes and then we will go back to your bed."

Four people and a fetus gut in a queen sized bed is a pretty tight squeeze. I asked Osh if he wanted to move closer to Daddy. Hubby was only kind of conscious. I raised up the covers and Osh went to move in and stopped. He looked at me with this disgusted face and said "Eeew, Daddy naked." Then he plopped himself right back where he started and gave me a hideous look and again said "Daddy naked mommy, ick."

Ha! I laughed my butt off.

The twins then decided they better just go back to their own bed so they crawled off of my bed and went into their room and shut the door then went to sleep. I guess a naked daddy and Private Practice wasn't worth a room escape.

*********

Update: I got a really good coupon from the Gap so I ordered Baby 3 the outfit that I want him or her to wear home from the hospital. It's warm and snuggly and I can't wait until it gets here.

In other shopping news, my son is growing like a weed. We had to get him new pants and shoes two months ago. He has already outgrown them both! He wore a 5T sized shirt the other day. Peanut on the other hand, still fits in Fall clothes from last year. Sigh.

Baby Stuff

Hubby wants to go shopping for baby stuff. We need everything but a carseat because I got rid of everything. I got rid of everything because I was never going to do fertility treatments and get my heart broken ever again so there was no need for baby stuff in my house. OBVIOUSLY I wasn't really going to get pregnant from having sex. I thought it would be fun to try, but never for one real minute did I think it would happen.

Pregnancy is a horrifying, scary time for me. I love feeling baby move but that's it. I was, well, am, part of the infertility community and horrible things happen all the time. Second trimester losses, third trimester losses, life threatening disabilities, still births, you name it. I have been extremely fortunate to not have these things happen to me but watching women that were my best source of support through my worst times go through such awful things leaves a lasting impression. I went to one baby funeral. It was awful and I will never forget it. Have you ever seen a coffin the size of a shoe box? If you haven't, I hope you don't. Part of the reason that I hate being around pregnant women is that they are very annoying and self centered, the other reason is it gives me anxiety about what is going to happen to that person.

Infertility treatments broke my soul. All of them but one, which ended in the twins. After the FET failed I immediately thought just like I did before the twins were conceived, "I'll get back up, I'll keep going, I will not stop until I have everything I ever dreamed of." But I took some time and did some hard soul searching. I ran. I cuddled the monkey's. I read. I had lots of talks with Hubby. I got the support I needed from my other infertile friends. I was out running one day. Music was blaring in my ears. The sun was shining. My body felt great. I was thinking of the twins and how funny, smart, adorable and perfect they are and thinking about Hubby. I knew that it would be the best if I gave up on treatments. Instead of saving up and spending money on shots in my stomach and ass for a CHANCE, not a guarantee, that we might have one more baby, we could save money for things everyone else saves for. Fun things, not hard, sad things. Vacations. Cars. A bigger house. With no more kids coming in we could see an end to our daycare paying days (which hurts us badly now). We could just enjoy. Relax. Soak it all in. The first day of the rest of our lives.

I felt great. When I saw the two pink lines on my cheap internet pregnancy tests, I cried. Not tears of joy. Tears of fear. I called my mom scared to death. I went to my infertile friend and cried more. I don't get things easily. Ever. I have to work. I can't just enjoy life and then get pregnant, for FREE. That isn't my life and I came to terms with it. I was not just okay, but good. I know life is full of shitty things that happen no matter what you do, but one thing that wasn't going to be on my plate ever again was going through hell for pregnancy and then worrying about miscarriage and all the other bad things that could happen.

I've been to so many appointments and baby is growing big and strong. I am almost in the third trimester. THE HOME STRETCH. But this is the problem: many moons ago the doctor's told me I would have no trouble getting pregnant. Then they said I had PCOS but I was still very healthy so it wouldn't be a big deal. Then I ended up doing IUI's and IVF and all that crap. Then the FET happened and it sucked huge balls. Then I had surgery and they said to get on birth control because I would not get pregnant on my own and maybe less likely than last time to get pregnant with IVF. Then I got pregnant on my own. So you might be able to see why when I go to appointments and they tell me baby is perfect and beautiful it is really, really difficult for me to believe them. They say that today, but what about tomorrow?

Hubby told me yesterday that we need to start getting things in order for the baby. In less than three months, baby will be here, in our house! Poor baby doesn't even have one outfit. Or a bed. Or bottles. I just stared at him like an idiot and I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy. I cried looking at newborn sized diapers in Target the other night. I'm being a basketcase. I told myself after the first trimester that this would be great and I would soak up every minute. I can't believe that here I am, almost done, so fortunate to get the chance to do this again and without the hell of treatments, and still I am paralyzed with fear that if I enjoy it, it will disappear. I feel so sad and guilty for this little baby, the twins had pretty much everything they needed at this point.

I was at Sam's last week. I looked at a huge box of diapers and looked for some storage things to reorganize before baby gets here. As I was walking out, you have to show your receipt to someone so they can check your cart. The man showing his receipt said "come on, I thought it was free day at Sam's where you can get everything for free" jokingly. The lady at the door said "nothing is free in this world honey." It was like the Universe had to somehow remind me of that.

Let's all cross our fingers that this baby doesn't come home buck naked in winter because the thought of going to Babies R Us makes me hyperventilate (if we can even get home, we don't have a car that can legally transport all of us, yikes). I think Hubby and I have decided that an elective ultrasound is maybe what I need, then I can buy a freaking bed for God's sake.

I'm wasting this time and this experience being afraid. I'm going to snap out of it! My goal is to get one thing done for this baby by the end of the week. Friday, September 28th, Baby 3 will have a place in our home and something of his or her own.

On Marriage and Parenting

The nuggets were looking at our wedding pictures in our album. We very rarely ever get that out and they were interested. I told them that Mommy and Daddy had this special day together to promise to love each other forever and so that we could have babies.

Yes, I said that. I know it's old school, but that is why we got married. We wanted to have babies together and after a series of discussion and decision making processes we agreed that it was our personal belief that we should legally and spiritually be married before we had kids.

There was a time when I thought it didn't matter if we were married or not, it was just a piece of paper and lots of other people had kids and it turned out fine and I kid you not, since I was of the wee age of 5 years old, I began counting down the days until I could be a mommy someday. I looked at my baby dolls before bed and wished they would come alive, just for the night, so I could be their real mommy. I thought my newborn brother belonged to me. Literally. A little creepy, but I truly believed he was mine and the coolest thing ever. I got the itch during college and we discussed it together and with family and decided it was not the right thing to do.

Marriage has always been very important to Hubby. Although not a religious man, he is very traditional in a lot of ways. I also have an issue with researching things. I like to make decisions both based on how I feel about something and about facts. Statistically, if you go into a long term relationship and decide to never get married you are more likely not to have a successful long term relationship. Statistically, if you have a baby before you are married you are more likely to get divorced at some point. The older you are when you get married, the higher the likelihood you will stay married. I know these are statistics and other people are successful with different things, but this was a starting point for me. After 25 is best and 27 is average for a female, so my screw up happened there because I was 23. So I didn't do everything statistically correct. Another aspect we considered is what would our future kids think? This made me feel that it was really important for me to finish my college education before I had kids, because that is an expectation that I will have of them. Hubby is in school now and it's so hard, I just want better for my kiddos. This is also kind of a silly emotional thing, but I really wanted us to all have the same last name when our first monkey arrived. Divorce is a real thing and it happens a lot. In the event of a divorce, that would mean time away from any potential children and I did want to think about that and do my best. I know anything could happen at anytime, but it's important to me even if I fail to do the best I can from the start.

People think this is cold and odd. I don't. I like to make informed decisions based on facts and likelihood for successful outcomes, not based on feelings. I don't trust feelings. I feel them, but I don't always trust them. If I did everything that my gut felt like doing, I would be in big trouble right now.

We are teaching our children that we believe in the importance of being married. We believe it is best to have a long term relationship before marriage and we believe that babies come after marriage. Being gay or straight makes no difference to us at the end of the day, by the way, and hopefully if any of our children turn out to be gay they are afforded the same opportunity we had to be married if they want to
.

I find that people become defensive about this or get offended if they have chosen differently than we have. That is probably because I have many, many friends and family members who don't do any of the things we do so they see it more directly. At the end of the day, I don't lose any sleep about what other people are doing. You can have babies before marriage, you can never get married, you can have 4 kids with all different dad's or mom's, you can get married 7 times, I don't really care. I don't only have friends that are the same as me, that would be impossible and boring. Me choosing to teach my kids this does not mean that I hate people who do differently. The bottom line is this: I don't care if anyone finds it offensive. My job as a mother is to teach my children my personal beliefs about life, right and wrong, and give them some standards to live by. It's completely okay with me if people choose differently. I only want what is best for my monkey's, they mean everything to me, and trying not to offend other's to make them feel better is no comparison to teaching my kids and helping them grow.

I am also fully aware that they may choose differently and they may not listen. We will deal with that when we get there, but that doesn't mean I'm going to pass on nothing to them just because they might want something different. Life happens,the unexpected occurs, and plans change, I get it. If they can handle it and they are doing well and they choose a different path, I'll be fine. Hubby and I really want to make sure we are creating a strong foundation for them, no matter which direction they head out into. We feel good about that, even if it's not PC.

Smart A$$

My son is a total smart a-word.

He is my loviest boy, but he also never stops talking. This leads to him saying some unfortunate things.

Me: "Stop flinging that toy around in the backseat, you are going to hurt your sissy."

O: "You just drive, okay mom?"

WTF?

***

Me: "It's time to go to school honey." He was standing in the doorway of the playroom.

O: "No way mom." Slams door in my face.

***

They had built a huge pile of towels to jump into from the couch.

Me: "That looks fun!"

O: "Sorry mom, you too big."

***

Me: "As soon as this baby comes out, I'm going to have some booze."

O: "No you not have boons mommy! You don't have that!"

Peanut; "No you not, bones are for doggy's."

O: "Yeah, bones for doggy's"

***

I was in the shower and Osh man came up to check it out.

O: "Mommy, you in the shower?"

Me: "Yes I am." I turned off the water and opened the shower door. He picked up my towel and handed it to me.

O: "Here your white towel Mom. Dry your boobies, okay?"

***

He was running around smacking a hanger as hard as he could into the couch. I told him to stop that right now, put it down, it is not safe to do that.

O: "I not mack this okay? I put it down. I not mack it."

Me: "Thank you honey."

I walked upstairs, heard the hanger hit the couch again and him yell "MACK!" and him and his partner in crime laughing loudly.

I'm so screwed.

*********

A few weeks back we embarked on a new activity that the nuggets and myself have never tried before . . . the drive in movie!

There were a lot of awesome parts:

1. Our whole car went in for $20. They were showing Ice Age and Dark Knight Rises. Two movies, four people, $20? Awesome!

2. We packed a picnic for dinner and snacks of our own. And by packed a picnic I mean we drove through Sonic. Cherry limeade anyone? We pulled out a big blanket and ate and hung out while waiting for the movie. Even though we brought our own stuff, they had popcorn there, made with REAL butter. REAL. Yummo.

3. There was a playground that the kids could play on before the movie started and lots of rocks in the parking lot for Osh man to throw.

Now comes the parenting fail:

Ice Age Meltdown or whatever the heck it's called was first but didn't start until 9:00 when it's dark (the weather was beautiful also, hello luckies). The twins loved the movie and thought it was super funny. They were so tired we laid them down to sleep and they began drifting off. They woke up immediately as soon as our movie started and watched a good chunk of Dark Knight Rises. Definitely not age appropriate at all. It's better than a lot of things we watch after they go to bed but still. In my defense, we had a plan that we would put them in the car with blankies and they could watch Shrek on the car DVD players, but Hubby was in charge of that and he was too lazy. Yeah . . . .







I realize upon reading through this that you probably think I am a 900 lb. person between the real butter popcorn, snacks, Cherry limeade's and Sonic grilled cheese. I can truly say that I am as surprised as you are that I am in fact normal sized (although I could afford to lose a few pounds). Mama loves food!

Also, I would like to add that I have made comments on a bunch of your blogs, but I can't read those damn "prove your not a robot" things and I try again and again and it eventually just doesn't let me comment! I'm sorry, I tried!