Thursday, June 3, 2010


Yesterday I had a meltdown of epic propotions. The first one happened at 12:47 a.m. Screaming babies do not wake up hubby, but my crying did this time! Ocean had just had a bottle at 11 p.m. so I could not understand why he was up. I was mad at him. What kind of a-hole gets mad at a baby? So I felt terrible and cried my eyes out. I fed him and rocked him and wondered why my little monkeys will not go more than a couple hours without food no matter how big they are getting or how much more food we feed them. They are piggies! It is exhausting me in the worst way.

The next meltdown occured at 10:45 a.m. followed by a third one at 11:30. I am just so exhausted. With twins, you just feel so inadequate. You hear advice like "sleep when the babies are sleeping." That's a nice thought, but when they eat every two hours and it takes 30 minutes each to feed and then 15 minutes to pump and then a few minutes to clean bottles and pump supplies and then there is the many loads of laundry to do from all the onesies, burp cloths, and blankies that two babies barf and poop on, that advice doesn't always work. I want to switch over to formula so they will be more full and I can cut out pumping time, but Ocean does so much better with breast milk. There is certainly no time for me to take care of myself, eating is a luxury. I gained 32 pounds during pregnancy and have lost 40 pounds in only 5 weeks.

I am also very resentful of hubby. He gets to sleep. He goes to work where it's quiet. This morning he woke up and came down stairs after a shower and 7 hours of sleep and he looked tired. I wanted to kick him in the balls. What does he have to be tired about? I was up with babies all night. But I know that's not logical or fair because he has to go to work. And he tries to let me have naps when he comes home, but I'm so tired I can't even sleep because I am in some weird form of total exhaustion. Poor guy.

Having twins is not a joke people!

Co-sleeping= naughty parenting, great photo ops!



Crazy eyes:


Ever is really not into burping:



  1. Oh you poor thing... I don't know how you do it, but you're doing a great job and don't forget it for one second!!!

  2. OK, you love him, but letting him sleep all night at your expense is hurting HIS family. He needs to step up for you and the babies. I have been there. "Logical and fair" doesn't mean out of guilt, you let him sleep all night while you stay awake 24 hours a day. It's going to be hard to bring this up to him without him thinking you are hormonal or overly emotional or defensive, but you need to come up with a way to ask him for help. A lot of times, men think the mother wants to do it all. And with a singelton, you can do that. Mom wants things done her way and she has the time to do it. With 2, you have to give in and let DH help. Even if his methods aren't quite how you would do it. He may very well be waiting for cues from you to do more or to simply continue holding back. Sorry for being blunt.

    You've heard me say "sleep when they sleep" doesn't work with twins. The people generally offering that advice do not have twins.

    Could your current diet be affecting your breast milk? Maybe that is contributing to their frequent waking.

    In day cares, many times I have seen babies who supplement breast milk with formula. Some have straight bm bottles followed by 1 straight formula bottle, but many do a mix in each bottle. Maybe Ocean could tolerate the formula better is he was getting a 75% bm/25% formula bottle at every meal.

    Don't beat yourself up for normal feelings! As a 5 yr IF survivor, I know you also get this guilt when you feel stress. Like, 'I worked so hard and waited so long for these babies that I should love every second of motherhood'. But, it is OK to feel frustration. Much of it is the exhaustion. It will eventually get better! I promise!

    Have you asked your doctor for advice on the fact that they seem to be eating quite often? I think getting them fuller is going to be the key to getting them to sleep longer, too. Easier said than done!

    Thank you for sharing so much with us. Your honesty is very refreshing. You are an amazing mother and Ocean & Ever are very lucky to have you!!!

    Love the new pictures!!!!

  3. Oh sweetie I'm sorry it is so exhausting for you!! I was a little intimidated with breast feeding just one in July when he gets here, I can't imagine that times two. Our baby care class assured us that breastfed babies eat every 1-3 hours, so it sounds like your little ones are right on track, but they did say if you formula feed they stay a little more full longer. I hope you're able to get some sleep. It sounds like you're very, very tired. Those babies are so beautiful!!

  4. Oh Ashy. I'm feeling for you. I remember those days so vividly. PTSD-like vividly. I agree, DH needs to take some night duty. I've heard some families have success with one person taking until 1:00 am and one person after 1:00. That way you can each hopefully get 5 hours sleep. I bet you'd be impressed with Daddy's work if given a chance! Also, I agree to try the 25/75 split with formula/EBM. We did that with our kiddos with their bedtime bottles and I do think it helped. Although, they didn't go longer at night until about 10 weeks.

    I also used to get mad at my babies. I think it's normal, just not very good feeling. Lots of parenting happens to feel like that.

  5. Hi Ashley.

    I can tell by the tone of what you wrote that you are definitely exhausted and frustrated. We have a 5 week old, and we're exhausted...I can only imagine what it must be like to care for twins. We're still co-sleeping at 5 weeks even though I said I'd never do it. It makes dealing with our refluxy little one more manageable at night, and you have to do what you have to do.

    As far as letting your husband sleep, I have to agree with other comments. Even though he has to go to work, he should help you at night. My husband and I have been taking shifts at night like was mentioned, and because of this, we both get 4-5 consecutive hours of sleep each night. It's not as much as we want, but it's as much as we're going to get for awhile...and better than nothing.

    On another note, I love the new pictures. The picture of Ever screaming while being burped is exactly what we go through 4-5 times per feeding.

    Good luck to you. I hope you are able to get some much needed rest soon.

  6. I am so sorry. I wish I had advice to share but at this point I don't. I hope you find something that works for you!

  7. Your husband needs to help you out more, especially at night. You are in this together and you cannot let all of the responsibliity fall onto yourself. When our twins were new I watched them during the day and then when dh got home from work I went and had a shower and a little break. He was "on duty" (although I was still with them all) until about 8pm when he went to bed and I watched the boys until midnight. Whenever the boys woke in the night after that my dh was "on" again until he went to work, when my duty started again. This way I was able to sleep from 12m until 7am and dh slept from 8pm until 3am-giving us each 7 hours a night. You need to come up with a schedule that works for your entire family-good luck!

  8. Hi Ashley:

    Hang in there ... it will get better. I know I didn't have twins but coming home with a 1.5 and 2.5 year old was very similar to having twins except they were up most of the day playing. Our situation at home was very similar ... hubby would sleep all night and then go to work all day ... somehow he thought he was getting the raw end of the deal and didn't understand why I was so resentful!!! It took alot of tears and talking to get him to understand ... I also had to leave him home alone one day when the boys weren't dressed yet to understand that taking a shower involved help from two toddlers ... I thought the first few weeks home from Russia with the boys was the hardest ... I seemed to be SOOOO tired all the time and I learned the hard way I'm not good without sleep deprivation.

    I hear ya on who gets mad at a baby ... I thought all the time "how can I be so mad at a toddler" just because he wouldn't take a nap and give me a few minutes of quiet.

    Be good to you ... it's the adjustment period it will get better and easier!!! Just be very clear with hubby on what you need or jab him in the middle of night when you are feeding the babies ... at least he'll be awake :-)

  9. Ashley,
    I am out here at lake of the ozarks in Missouri vacationing before shots begin again. Before getting into bed with hubs I just had to stop and write you.

    I wish there was some nice, helpful advice I could give you but of course I have none. Surely the exhaustion you feel is very real and very upsetting and I am so sorry.

    I am available for babysitting and a listening ear. You would not have made it this far if you weren't made of the good stuff :)


    Take care of your sweet self as much as possible.


Thanks for stopping by! Sorry, no anonymous comments, if you can't put your name on it it's just no fun!